The Fault in Our Stars

Last night, I ventured to the movie theatre with a new friend to take in a screening of the film adaptation of John Green's book entitled The Fault in Our Stars.  It was very good.  Apparently the book is better (I haven't read it yet, but isn't the book always better?) but aside from small criticisms playing in my head in the voice of the CinemaSins narrator [see CinemaSins on YouTube] I really did enjoy the movie.  It was sad, it was funny, it was honest, and it inspired thoughts.

Don't you love a movie that inspires thought?  

Oh, ps.  **Spoiler Alert.**

It made me think.  A lot.

Without giving every plot detail away, two teens who have terminal cancer meet and a love story unfolds.  I'm pretty sure that's obvious in the trailer though so I'm still good on that end.  On to the list of things that struck me.

Firstly, the boy, whose name is Augustus Waters, meets the girl, Hazel Something-or-other at a support group for young adults and teens with cancer.  The important part comes in where he asks her name.  She of course says, "Hazel," to which Gus replies, "No, your full name."  It then comes out that her full name is Hazel Grace Something-or-other.  Gus, somehow in his eighteen year old wisdom, knows the importance of a name.  He calls her Hazel Grace the entire movie.  Maybe there's some backstory to this in the book that I'm missing since I haven't read it yet, but I've been thinking about names and this just resonated so much with me.  Our names aren't arbitrary.  They were chosen.  Some with great purpose and meaning, some without, but still chosen carefully and with great consideration.  I believe that names can impact lives.  Maybe not overtly, but obviously whichever star named their daughter Apple (Gwen Stefani, wasn't it?) had something very specific in mind with that choice.  Little Apple will have a different life than Rebecca next door, simply because her name is more unique.  Meanings, ironically, have meaning as well.  My name is Ashleigh Rene Junor.  My spelling is derived from the ash tree itself.  This didn't mean anything until I researched the ash tree.  It is strong, light, and can withstand much force without breaking.  It bends.  I have been through a fair amount of crap in my life... Especially my parents' divorce.  That did a lot of damage to four year old me.  But I did not break.  I learned to bend.  I still refuse to break.  I am the ash tree and it is me.  Rene is the French version of the Roman name Renatus, meaning reborn.  I identify as a Christian who was born again into the faith.  There's lots of things I still struggle with about the church and life questions, but that changes not the meaning of my name.  Maybe this is lunatic asylum worthy, but I believe names are significant.  So in the movie, getting back there, what if Augustus saw something in Hazel Grace that others didn't?  What if, by using her whole name, he acknowledged that special identity every time he spoke to her?  What if we all have something within us that could help be identified by our names and we choose not to see the significance because we think they're just names?  

Secondly, a friend of Augustus' and Hazel's has to give up his eyesight in order to beat his cancer.  Gus had to give up half of his right leg.  This made me consider what I would be willing to sacrifice in order to keep living.  At what point would I say, "No, it's enough, I'm finished,"?  I think I could learn to live with one leg, or even being deaf, but would losing my sight cause me to draw the line?  There is so much beauty in the world.  It pains my heart to even think of not being able to see it.  Of course, one never really knows until faced with the ultimate decision of whether to live or die, as the case is with the friend.  What would you be willing to give up?

This is part one.  

Of Course, I Want Someone

Everybody asks, "Do you have someone?"  And I always reply, "No, I've never had someone."  And they always say, "Oh... Well, do you want someone?"  And I say, "Well, I'm not sure... I'm learning about myself a lot right now."  And their eyes, they glaze over with confusion, and their faces have this but you want someone, don't you? expression on them.  And, well, the answer is yes.

Of course I want someone.  I think everyone wants someone.  But me, I'm special.  I refuse to give myself to just anyone.  My someone has got to be a someone I can surely see myself with in the long run, because I am not up for one night stands or the 'we're just not working out' after only a month bit.  You see, if I have someone, I'm considering them.  For the long run.  For marriage.  So that someone better really be someone.

To be that someone, certain criteria will have to be met.  A job, a resemblance of a plan for your life... good with kids is a strong point.  Because if I find a someone, I'd like to try for a few of them.  Another important, no, IMPORTANT, thing is the ability to communicate.  If you're my someone, you'd better be prepared for some serious talks and maybe fights and definitely make-ups, because I won't just walk away and say you should've known, should've treated me better.  Love doesn't work that way.  

I also need a someone who is strong.  Emotionally and physically.  It's okay if you have low points, you're human... What I need is for you to recognize when I'm having mine, because I've learned not to show them.  I'm guarded so I can be a someone for other people... And it'll take a long time for me to trust you with who I am.  Please, be ready, and don't give up.  Ask.  Better yet, don't ask, and hug.  If I cry you'll know.  Also, please be ready to decide where we're going to have lunch some days.  I don't want to pick all the time.

If you're my someone, I hope you enjoy traveling, or at least can get behind me in my desire (read: need) to travel.  Culture is fascinating, language is enrapturing, and adventure is waiting.  My whole career plan is based on seeing the world, and changing it for the better.  I want to make sure that people who need things get them, and I want to see those people and places face to face.  Equality, freedom.  They aren't just words... They're ideas, they're handholds and footholds to new levels in world ideology.  My someone will need to be at minimum supportive... But if you're an adventure junkie and can budget with me so we can go on trips together, consider yourself one step closer to being that someone who was meant for me.

The last vital piece for my someone is shared ideas.  I'm religious, and it won't change.  My God was here long before you were.  But maybe you aren't.  That's not a bad thing.  But if you can't accept that I am, and be willing to give my beliefs equal credence to yours, you are not my someone.  That belief also affects how I see me, and how I see you.  I do hope and pray that we can share beliefs, since then this whole lifestyle would be a non-issue.  Chances are likely that if they don't, you probably aren't my someone... It would be extremely hard to live peacefully together and raise kids with two differing ideologies, wouldn't it?

My ideal someone is a person who understands that a kiss isn't just a kiss to me - it's a token of affection, of worth, of importance.  You don't walk around just kissing whoever you feel like kissing (if you do, you're not my someone!)... We all know it carries significance.  To me, it means that you believe what I believe about me = that I am precious, worth protecting and fighting for.  That I mean something to you that others do not.  If you don't share this belief, please, just don't bother even discussing kissing (if you're unaware of what I believe, you may ask for clarification purposes) but for heaven's sake, don't just kiss me willy nilly because that's what you saw in the movies.  I'd rather watch people kiss alone for the rest of eternity than be kissed and find out later it was just for fun, or something equivalent.  I know, I'm weird.  Old fashioned even.  Oh well.  It gets worse.  I will not have sex with you unless you put a ring on it.  I believe I am worth more than flings, casual or not... If you want that, you need to show me that you believe I am and will be your someone until death do us part.  

See, my someone, if they come, will be a very special person.  And yes, sometimes I'm lonely.  And yes, maybe my ideals are too high and narrow.  But I've tried to change them before, to make myself just accept more of society's norms so I don't get those weird, confused stares.  I can't.  And really, I'm not sorry about it.  I love too hard to be let down who thinks it's okay to disrespect others, or refuses to talk about the issues.  Because if you're my someone, and I love you, I will love you for the rest of my life, heartbroken or not.  I will do my best to make you understand how much and why I love you. I really don't want to be heartbroken.  I don't want to waste so much time and effort on a someone who won't understand.  But I also won't give up on me.  I will never be able to completely drop everything I want in life.  I'm a dreamer.  Without dreams, I'll be miserable.  

If you genuinely think you're my someone, spend time getting to know me.  Lots of it.  Then ask.  I will probably say no.  To be honest, I'm afraid that someone will not understand and therefore never come.  But make me love you, if you can.  Don't ask lots, but don't give up, either.  The day I decide to trust you with everything may very well be the day I decide to say yes.

My someone should also be aware of and accept that I believe in faeries.  Mutual belief is not necessary, but would be gladly welcomed.

http://www.upworthy.com/ever-considered-what-guys-look-for-in-girls-forget-it-think-about-what-a-17-year-old-says-instead

Pretty Darn Happy :D

I was just getting cozy in my bed tonight to go to sleep, and I suddenly had a wave of appreciation for some things in my life.  A lot of people say I'm easily amused and/or pleased, but I think the more you are able to enjoy the small, every day things in life, the happier you'll be!  So with that said here is a list of things that genuinely make me happy and I want to be grateful for in writing:

1.  My duvet

A very simple thing, yes, but I just love it.  A gift from my dad and his girlfriend for Christmas 2012, the design is gorgeous (city names!) but even beyond that it's comfortable - so comfortable - and warm, but without being heavy, and squishy, but not poofy.  It really just makes my bed, a thing I already love, one hundred times better.

2. The Shaytards

Some people think I'm ridiculous for watching and loving someone's family as much as I do, but I can't help it.  I don't watch television, but I'm calling out all the Harry Potter, Hunger Tames, Dr. Who, Amazing Race, and ER superfans I've ever met... Why aren't they weird?  The Shaytards are fun, funny, and all they're trying to do is bring joy to people's lives.  Give them a real chance.  If you still don't like them, that's fine... I don't like all your shows either.  But let's be respectful of each other's opinions.  Shay and his family add something to my life.  Don't judge it.

3.  Cold water

Even the fact that there is drinkable water flowing from my tap and I have a freezer containing ice cubes... I love the feeling of being hydrated and there are some days when absolutely nothing tastes as good as that icy cold liquid.

4. Soft music

Again, not mainstream popular.  I always get something along the lines of "How can you listen to this? I'm falling asleep!"  This music, especially when matched with an activity like crocheting or puzzling, really serves to relax and ground me.  That is my down time.  Don't mess with it.  It's keeping me sane.

5.  Hugging.

ESPECIALLY if they are long and/or tight hugs from someone I really love.  I've hinted to some, straight out told others, but I crave meaningful human touch.  There's a name for my people... We're called cuddlewhores.  Weird, inappropriate, but true - we... I... need it.  It's our love language, my love language.  While the levels of trust, of course, range according to how familiar we are with the other person, hugs are usually a more rewarding (and still usually socially acceptable) way of getting that touch from most people.  Please, if you're comfortable with it, hug me.  I won't initiate it unless you've somehow communicated that it's okay, so do let me know... It makes me feel important and valuable and happy.  The more the merrier.

6.  Good children's movies

Mr. Bagorium's Wonder Emporium.  The Lion King.  Frozen.  The Croods.  The Tinkerbell movies.  Children's films (and some cartoons!) are only getting better.  I love being able to just sit and enjoy being in a child's world again for an hour and a half and letting my imagination and love of musicals get their fill.  Do me a favor and don't bash the movie afterward for no plot or character development.  If I wanted that, I would've watched something different.  I came for the simple jokes and thrills of being a child, but appreciating it so much more because I'm an adult too and I know what I didn't realize I had back then.

That's about it for now.  But I had to write them down because I'm just feeling super satisfied with life at the moment and it's good to remember when you're thankful and happy, and to record it somewhere to review when you're sad.  So there you go, self... Don't forget!