Purity In Its Purest Form

Ladies and gentlemen, I have an announcement!  I am a single young woman of marriagable age! 

Yes, I know you already know.  In fact, some may disagree.. many these days consider twenty too young.  But fact is, people my age (and younger!) are getting into relationships, getting married, and beginning families.  Many of us singletons simply watch in major confusion and ample jealousy as two people we know fall helplessly into this thing called "love", buy pretty rings, and pay exhorbitant prices for huge parties to proclaim their mutual fascination for each other to the rest of the world and solemnly promise to do their best to stay fascinated until they're old and wrinkly.

This naturally raises questions for us not quite so lucky ones. 

There is the whole mottled bottle of questions involving dating, what kind of a guy should I go out with, blah blah blah.. but many of us never dare to ask the questions we are most curious about: those involving sex.

We are sexual beings.  There's no denying that.  And the older we get, the more apparent it becomes.  I can't speak for everyone, but as I mature, the longings and the questions get deeper and deeper, as well as more confusing.  I know enough people that feel the same way to assume that statement is true for a good part of the population - especially if you are inexperienced in love.

So how do we answer those deepseated feelings?  Every girl struggles with complex issues about attractiveness, fear of rejection, of not being enough, of being alone... what is the right thing to tell a girl that will convince her everything will be okay, there is someone out there for you, and yes, you will find love...

Nobody knows for sure.  Some are very successful at it, but it takes years of practice, study, and many failures before they know how to make someone KNOW that everything's going to be okay.. and it's usually their own wives who help them figure it out.

Where do the rest of us turn to?  Unfortunately, that question is the the root of much of the young girl's problems today.  Many teens are too ashamed or afraid to ask, and parents find it much too awkward to approach.  So our nation's daughters get their answers about romance, love and sex from raunchy magazines and television shows that make your heart race and your brain swoon but contain little of reality or truth.

I was lucky enough to have a mom willing to share what she knew about relationships and sex, good and bad, complete or not.  But I am in the minority.  Too many young ladies have the wrong ideas about what it means to be in a relationship and undervalue the gift of their virginity.

I recently went online to look up advice on having sex the first time, to see what people my age and younger would be reading (and you can bet your life they do).  I also read some personal stories of first time sexual encounters.  Some I was encouraged by, but they were quickly outweighed by scenarios that belonged in R-rated movies.  Many stories contained comments that went along the lines of, "I didn't feel ready, but he wanted me to, so I just did it,", "We were holding hands, and one thing led to another..", and "I didn't want my first time to be like this, and I regret my choices."

Some websites were very clear about the physical details one could expect (amount of pain, etc), but the one thing I appreciated the most were the stories that admitted to feeling more pressure than pleasure.  90% of testimonies on those sites were from young girls and guys admitting to having sexual relations mid-teens, with someone they thought "loved them", only to break up a few weeks or months later and realize they'd wasted their gift on another who didn't care as much as they seemed to.

That REALLY bothers me.

Since the dawn of time, people have been struggling with one question.  It has many faces, but when you look past the weight loss, the makeup, the hair, the muscles, the cars, houses, boats, jobs... we all need to know: are we good enough?  And it has never been more prevalent than now.

It is my belief that society has a responsibility, and we are failing.  We are responsible to treat every person as a person and an individual, with individual needs, wants, and fears.  We are responsible to make our young people understand that they don't need what TV says they need in order to be accepted and productive members of society.  We are responsible to tell each twelve year old girl and boy that they do not need to be skinner, more muscled, more painted up, stronger.  That they don't need to have sex before they're sixteen.  That they are much more valuable than they think and believe and they don't have to prove themselves to anyone.

Because that's what they believe. 

But that's not what I believe.

I too, have questions.  I too desire a relationship and to experience love and sex and all that goes with it.  I'm preprogrammed to do so, and media today sadly isn't helping to solve the probelm.  But I know that unless I'm ready, with the right man, at the right time, things will go sour quicker than warm milk.  I know that waiting for a covenant marriage, where my husband and I have committed to walk together for life, will be worth all the pain, impatience, confusion, and unmet desire I struggle with now.

My solution?  I remember.  I remember every successful couple I've ever met, every unsuccessful relationship I've ever witnessed, all the broken young men and women that weren't sure what they wanted, and figured it out too late.  Then, I pray.  Pray for strength to wait.  Pray for wisdom in how I deal with the men in my life.  I even pray for the ones I'm attracted to or interested in, that they would have wisdom in their own lives and that God would work in them and remind them of how much they're worth. 

One of the most valuable tools to deal with the questions I've found is having close friends of the same sex who are willing to talk about it.  Friends who are going through the same struggles, same feelings, and will encourage you as you encourage them.

It's hard, but it will not last forever.  You are good enough.  I am good enough.  And someday, we'll all find the love we're dreaming of.

You might be reading this and thinking, this doesn't apply to me.  I'm 40 years old with three kids, a great husband, and a busy life.  Or, I'm 60 years old and have two grandkids.  Well, got news for ya.  You're wrong.  It very much applies to you, to your kids, to your grandkids, to your neighbours, the cop that pulled you over last week, and the man behind the counter at Tim's.  People's struggles don't end magically when they reach a certain age.  Fairytale weddings turn into horrific nightmares because of these issues.  Each of us knows what it feels like.  Each has influence.  Go out today and encourage someone.  Hopefully someday we'll convince the world.

Remembrances.

I have photos on my walls. 

Not uncommon.

They're photos of places, pets, past times, projects, and people.  Mostly people.  Many people.  Many people that I don't even speak to anymore.

The past three weeks I have been staring at particular sets of photos on my walls, gazing upon faces of princes familiar.  People I used to be really good friends with.  Maybe even family.  I was, at least, for one - a little sister.  But "used" is past tense.  Meaning what "used" to be is no longer.  Meaning it doesn't happen anymore.  I'm not anyone's little sister now.

My heart's been aching like I've never experienced before.  Friends come and go all the time.  It's happened a hundred, a thousand, countless times to me.  I always find new ones to fill the space.  But not this time. 

The walls are crumbling and the cracks are widening.  And I miss them.

And it hurts.

I don't understand why I miss these few particulars more than others in the past.  I certainly had good friends, even best friends, that moved away or changed schools and I lived on.  Maybe it's the way they went.

I do, however, understand why I miss them.  They made me happy.  I felt confident, appreciated, loved.  Maybe even pretty.  Protected.  Valued.  Sometimes even fun.

But it ended.  Not slowly, and not even with a goodbye from at least one of them.  Just dropped.  Like marshmallows in fire.  Bam.  Done.  Melted.  Burned and gone. 

Just. Gone.

I guess that it hurts because at one point, I meant something, more than just a friend, someone they cared about and spent time with.  Because I cared about them.  Invested my time, energy, wisdom, patience, and even cash.  For long periods of time.  Months.

Then circumstances change and they're just gone.  I feel so abandoned and forgotten.  I can't comprehend how you can spend four or five days a week with someone, then go from that to not even a shred of communication in less than two months.  Because I tried.  Facebooked, texted, called.  Knocked on doors when I could.  Nothing worked.  I was relocated to the back burner, set on very low heat, and forgotten about.  Maybe even turned off all the way.

My head's telling me that I don't need friends like that.  That it's good they're not talking to me, because it just proves that they don't care enough to put effort into it anyway.  That I should just give up and move on and find people who will put the time in.  That I'm better off this way.

But my heart misses those who were close.  Maybe I can't have them back the way things were, but I wish I could have them back at all.  Even one conversation, just to show me they haven't forgotten.  That life just got in the way, communication broke down, I'm sorry, they're sorry, and we'll fix it.  Have coffee.

But I know that most, if not all, won't repair themselves the way I wish they could.  And I know that's something I'll have to learn to live with.  Because I'm an adult now, and I have to choose what kind of people I want to be around.  There will be new friends, and old ones.  And there will be people with whom it is better to break contact with, regardless of how I feel about them.  But there will also be people, and one specific person eventually, who will be able to fill every void I've felt and am feeling and will feel.  When I learn to let go, and stop allowing this kind of situation to affect my happiness. 

Welcome to life.  Wish it was easier.  It's not.  No cake walks.  Just bushwhacking.