When you're tired is never a good time to think, and probably not to write. Unfortunately, I'm now doing both.
What I'm writing about is what I'm thinking about, and what I'm thinking about is how powerful lies are. You may not believe in God and Satan, but I do, and that devil sure knows how to throw a good punch in when I'm alone.
It's a reoccurring thought to me, this lie that I'm finding very difficult to fight against... It's hard to put into one sentence, but in a nutshell, I often doubt my own likability and whether people actually enjoy having me around or if they just tolerate it because they're being polite... Or maybe worse, because I can do something for them.
I don't think they'd intentionally use me, but that's a big section of this reoccurring thought, and it has a lot to do with my relationships with most males.
You see, it goes like this. I'll have a friend. Friend posts sad status. I write friend. We start talking. I help friend fix problem/listen to friend. They feel happier. We slowly stop talking. Aaannnd. Repeat cycle.
Or like this week, where it happened twice in two days... People say things that aren't actually hurtful, but cause me to think that I'm just not the kind of person that is destined to make new friends and although I'll never be an outcast (I won't let myself) I'll never really fit in. I just feel so awkward.
A good example is in class at college. Teacher asks for interaction, so I interact. I want to learn, to hash out ideas, to receive feedback. Especially since nobody else volunteers much. But if I respond to every question, does that make me stand out as some kind of teacher's pet or a crazy keener? My problem isn't that I'm unaware of social stigmas. It's that I don't know where I stand within them, and I feel like it puts a huge barrier between me and other students I'd like to get to know; simply because I don't know if they like me, hate me, don't care, tolerate me because they have to... It's all behind a facade, a polite "I'm an adult and I'll treat you nicely because that's what I'm supposed to do" mask. It frightens me.
It's not just with strangers or new acquaintances either. As with the friend example on Facebook earlier, I more and more often find myself wondering how many people I thought liked me really only tolerate my existence because a) it's required, b) they can get something from me, or c) because I want to be friends with them.
It's not like I don't believe I have any friends. There is a core group of about ten, mostly from church or school and going years back, that I know truly enjoy my companionship, and I theirs. Even amongst those, however, the little lie that I'm too weird finds a hold. Those days when I want to imagine fairies because they are more fun and intriguing than real life, or when I laugh at stupid things like paper clips, or talk about something like dogs for hours and bring in facts that nobody cares about, let alone knows.
I've always revered Anne Shirley of Green Gables for her optimistic view of life and inclusion of a dreamworld of fairies and wood spirits, where sunbeams are always dancing and the ocean sings an alluring song. I've tried to model my life after hers, keeping the magic of childhood imagination alive and not caring what people think... But I've found that caring about others' opinions of me has slowly taken a stronger and stronger hold.
So now I worry about whether I will have to grow out of a world of fantasy, where telling stories, and being open about life and its pain and mystery, because it's childish and weird. I worry that I'll always be the person people ask for advice because I'm good at it (which I think is because I can imagine and empathize!) but that I'll never be the one to pursue; you can talk to a dreamer of fantasy, but trying to build a relationship on an understanding of dream's dreams isn't an option.
I don't know if I've made my dilemma understandable or not. Suffice to say that I don't feel normal, and I doubt I will ever begin to understand what is normal and when I've crossed the line. In turn that means that I'm constantly weirding people out or making them uncomfortable, and wondering what kind of person I am. Which makes me feel like I can't trust that my friends actually like me (even the good ones, sometimes).
Which makes me feel alone.
But I know I'm not alone. Even if some of that ramble is true for some people, not all of it can be true for everybody. And I do have friends that have stuck with me for years and years and still call when they haven't heard from me in awhile. In my head, that counts for something. It means that I am loved, and missed, and they wouldn't call if they didn't care, right? Right.
But just as that's all settled and decided, the little thought comes - "but what if he's just there to see your sister?" "What if she said yes because you said you'd do most of the work, and for free?" "What if she doesn't actually like you?" Finally, inevitably, it leads to the question of whether or not I'm even likable, and this battle in my head between my brain and my heart begins again.
But I do believe I'm important. I do believe that people like me - that someday, someone will like me enough to kiss me and ask me to be his wife. That someday I'll figure out who I am and where I belong in the scheme of people's attitudes.
Don't bother writing nice comments about how I'm lovely and this is all ridiculous... Everyone does it all the time after someone posts something like this. But I'm not looking for that. To tell you the truth, I wouldn't believe it because that's what you're supposed to say. I just want people to understand, I guess... And I wanted to leave my thoughts in another place because in my head they're interrupting what could've been an hour of sleep by now.
I promise though, to you and to me, that someday, I'll stop allowing myself to lie to myself.
Saturday, October 20, 2012
Monday, July 9, 2012
Dithering
Is a word. A word that very adequately describes my feelings about the world and its general population at present. I am so fed up with so much of our nice North American daily life, our 'highly idealistic' (to much of the world, anyway), boring, introverted, just take the money and run lifestyle.
It's not that I feel I'm superior, or even that I really dislike what we have. It's amazing that we are so blessed as to even be able to THINK the way we do, where Starbucks has become the cornerstone to millions of people's days, but sometimes I wish we were different.
I think that our great wealth and influence has poisoned us a population. After all, we're 'tripping' North Americans, white supremacists, power hungry, money collectors, drug cartels; you name it, it's in town if not right in the backyard, and of course it comes with a little of that homegrown swag rich kids are so fond of.
So much of what our society values is beyond useless. They are absorbed in a culture and attitude of pleasure by right, and we are passing it onto the entire world because we're at the top. Even now, I'm writing this from an iPad. I too am guilty of buying into this global phenomenon called, to put it simply, Stuff.
But Stuff is very broad and inconclusive; too generalized to be of use. So I will define it as it pertains to my world. Stuff can include, but is not limited to, property, physical attributes, relationships, social adeptness, self worth, communication... I could go on.
What bothers me about Stuff is the profound lack of substance bequeathed to different subjects. Clothing is required as part of our system of respect, and it helps if it's well tailored, but the emphasis is put on nothing more than sexual draw. Every model out there over five years old embodies (or attempts to embody) that hard-sought-after idea of 'cool, smooth, sexy' because the majority of the population has learned that appearance is utmost, and it has nothing to do with your professionalism or style. All that matters is that you show off the right form in the right places.
That is an overused example, but one that everyone relates to - as, sadly, it still rings true in a goodly proportion of cultures around the planet.
This concept has bothered me much in years of late, but never so much as in recent months as I learn more about the social networking site Twitter.
I have a Twitter account, which I use moderately and enjoy. There are aspects that are incongruent with Facebook that appeal to myself and to many others. A friend stated it as such: "Facebook is more about responding. Twitter is simply about sharing information." I like that.
On my Twitter, I've followed a few celebrities I'm interested in from favorite television shows, music and movies. Many post little thoughts and photos here and there and I enjoy seeing a bit of their real world instead of what media portrays. However, there is a concurrence among popular Tweeters (not just celebs, either) that it is okay to bribe fans for followers for other accounts. A common example would run something like this:
(Celebrity Name)
I will follow the next 300 people who follow (Comedy Twitter)
(Comedy Twitter)
If you're not following ________ then delete your twitter; it's not worth having.
Sometimes, the celebrity makes good on the bribe and follows those who let them know they followed so and so.
A personal example concerns Taylor Lautner and a girl named Daena in Texas. I followed Taylor because I appreciate his acting ability and laid back character in interviews. He posted a status asking people to follow Daena's account because she wanted to reach 100 followers.
Now, Daena asks the same thing for other people, and promises to DM (direct message, private between two tweeters) the names of those who follow the other person to Taylor.
Another thing that bothers me about twitter is something called fangirling. If you don't know what that is, find a video online of any celeb walking down an average street. They are ganged up on by screaming adolescent and pre-pubescent females begging for pictures and hugs. That is the craziness now known as fangirling, and tweeters are professionals. Especially if it involves the new artist group One Direction.
Every day there are 'trending topics'; things people are currently tweeting most about. And every day, there is something involving 1D.
My point is not to hate on the new boy band, but to point out the frivolousness of fangirling. Chances are VERY huh you won't meet them, let alone date or marry them. An interest is fine, but why waste hours of daylight and detain needed sleep gazing at pictures?
On the same note, why is it SO important to have thousands of followers? Is it enough to justify online bribery and on occasion, bullying, just to see the number rise by a few hundred?
We have lost that which made our society great - the art of communication. We know how to type and can adeptly lessen an Internet insult by adding a cute :P face to the end of a statement. Come face to face with another person, and there's nothing to talk about, and sticking your tongue out is inappropriate.
We have also lost the desire to gain wisdom and knowledge. Our attitude is very much that of the observant at most street beggar who relies on public nicety to get him through the day.
I get so angry when I see young girls speaking about parties, relationships as if they are the only things that matter. Even issues like gender equality have emerged as meaningless because it's 'cool' to support homo and heterosexuals having the same opportunities; if you asked the average 14-25 year old about their reasons for support, perhaps one in ten could give a decent answer.
I'm bored, I'm frustrated, and I simply cannot handle the apathy of our society any longer. Their practice of dithering their way through life, focusing on the superficial, is the most annoying thing I have ever come across.
At the same time, as much as I'd like to avoid the human race forever and bury my nose in books of learning, I get lonely. As a result, I haven't yet found an adequate solution to my problem and the annoyance lives on.
It's not that I feel I'm superior, or even that I really dislike what we have. It's amazing that we are so blessed as to even be able to THINK the way we do, where Starbucks has become the cornerstone to millions of people's days, but sometimes I wish we were different.
I think that our great wealth and influence has poisoned us a population. After all, we're 'tripping' North Americans, white supremacists, power hungry, money collectors, drug cartels; you name it, it's in town if not right in the backyard, and of course it comes with a little of that homegrown swag rich kids are so fond of.
So much of what our society values is beyond useless. They are absorbed in a culture and attitude of pleasure by right, and we are passing it onto the entire world because we're at the top. Even now, I'm writing this from an iPad. I too am guilty of buying into this global phenomenon called, to put it simply, Stuff.
But Stuff is very broad and inconclusive; too generalized to be of use. So I will define it as it pertains to my world. Stuff can include, but is not limited to, property, physical attributes, relationships, social adeptness, self worth, communication... I could go on.
What bothers me about Stuff is the profound lack of substance bequeathed to different subjects. Clothing is required as part of our system of respect, and it helps if it's well tailored, but the emphasis is put on nothing more than sexual draw. Every model out there over five years old embodies (or attempts to embody) that hard-sought-after idea of 'cool, smooth, sexy' because the majority of the population has learned that appearance is utmost, and it has nothing to do with your professionalism or style. All that matters is that you show off the right form in the right places.
That is an overused example, but one that everyone relates to - as, sadly, it still rings true in a goodly proportion of cultures around the planet.
This concept has bothered me much in years of late, but never so much as in recent months as I learn more about the social networking site Twitter.
I have a Twitter account, which I use moderately and enjoy. There are aspects that are incongruent with Facebook that appeal to myself and to many others. A friend stated it as such: "Facebook is more about responding. Twitter is simply about sharing information." I like that.
On my Twitter, I've followed a few celebrities I'm interested in from favorite television shows, music and movies. Many post little thoughts and photos here and there and I enjoy seeing a bit of their real world instead of what media portrays. However, there is a concurrence among popular Tweeters (not just celebs, either) that it is okay to bribe fans for followers for other accounts. A common example would run something like this:
(Celebrity Name)
I will follow the next 300 people who follow (Comedy Twitter)
(Comedy Twitter)
If you're not following ________ then delete your twitter; it's not worth having.
Sometimes, the celebrity makes good on the bribe and follows those who let them know they followed so and so.
A personal example concerns Taylor Lautner and a girl named Daena in Texas. I followed Taylor because I appreciate his acting ability and laid back character in interviews. He posted a status asking people to follow Daena's account because she wanted to reach 100 followers.
Now, Daena asks the same thing for other people, and promises to DM (direct message, private between two tweeters) the names of those who follow the other person to Taylor.
Another thing that bothers me about twitter is something called fangirling. If you don't know what that is, find a video online of any celeb walking down an average street. They are ganged up on by screaming adolescent and pre-pubescent females begging for pictures and hugs. That is the craziness now known as fangirling, and tweeters are professionals. Especially if it involves the new artist group One Direction.
Every day there are 'trending topics'; things people are currently tweeting most about. And every day, there is something involving 1D.
My point is not to hate on the new boy band, but to point out the frivolousness of fangirling. Chances are VERY huh you won't meet them, let alone date or marry them. An interest is fine, but why waste hours of daylight and detain needed sleep gazing at pictures?
On the same note, why is it SO important to have thousands of followers? Is it enough to justify online bribery and on occasion, bullying, just to see the number rise by a few hundred?
We have lost that which made our society great - the art of communication. We know how to type and can adeptly lessen an Internet insult by adding a cute :P face to the end of a statement. Come face to face with another person, and there's nothing to talk about, and sticking your tongue out is inappropriate.
We have also lost the desire to gain wisdom and knowledge. Our attitude is very much that of the observant at most street beggar who relies on public nicety to get him through the day.
I get so angry when I see young girls speaking about parties, relationships as if they are the only things that matter. Even issues like gender equality have emerged as meaningless because it's 'cool' to support homo and heterosexuals having the same opportunities; if you asked the average 14-25 year old about their reasons for support, perhaps one in ten could give a decent answer.
I'm bored, I'm frustrated, and I simply cannot handle the apathy of our society any longer. Their practice of dithering their way through life, focusing on the superficial, is the most annoying thing I have ever come across.
At the same time, as much as I'd like to avoid the human race forever and bury my nose in books of learning, I get lonely. As a result, I haven't yet found an adequate solution to my problem and the annoyance lives on.
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