First off, I want to explain why my posts have been so few and far between as of late. I feel like the purpose of this blog is not just for me to write and to get things off my chest, but also to provide a solid view on issues and why I see it that way - to perhaps have something concrete, a lesson of some sort, that the reader can take away. If nothing else, for people to understand who I am and why I feel the way I do. Lately, my thoughts have been nothing but abstract emotions, slowly conglomerating into life lessons. Until this week, I couldn't put words to anything I've been feeling, experiencing, and learning that would format into cohesive sentences. I didn't want to write anything on here that didn't have a point.. or a semblance of a point... so that's why there's been almost nothing. I'm sorry, but I'm human and sometimes I'm a slow learner.. plus I've exhausted many of the things that I have opinions on in this blog already. Haha. That being said, I feel like I've learned three HUGE things in the past two weeks.
I've started going to a girls' group every Saturday night. It's going to be some kind of Bible study (we're discussing potential topics right now), but it's also just a place where we can go to hang out with, and be real with, other like-minded young adult females. I'll go into more detail in a bit here, but it was mostly in talking with these ladies that all these thoughts morphed into ideas.
The first one has to do with relationships. Obviously, I'm at an age where that's often on my mind. It's hard to forget when my friends are starting to get married and some older ones are having their first children. God has seen fit, in the last year or so, to put me into many positions where I am blessed to be able to give a listening ear to folks younger than myself (and occasionally older too) with their relationships, and to offer an opinion and advice if it's wanted.
I sometimes find it difficult to talk about such things objectively, when they're describing how they feel and dreams and problems and whatnot - describing things I wish I had and don't, and never have. Since I've never been in a relationship, I assume that I'm a good communicator, or a good listener, or both, since they keep coming back to me with questions and thoughts. I get jealous, but it's my opinion that you should look for a relationship with the intention of marriage - and I don't know if I'm ready for that yet.
However, last week I was texting a friend about it and he replied, "Half of me wants a relationship, some of me doesn't, and the rest isn't sure." I felt that was exactly where I was at, and then a thought came, which I texted back: "I'm learning too much about relationships to be in one right now." I think that's a very encouraging statement for myself. By talking about others' relationships, I'm learning a lot about what it takes to make, break and repair them.. knowledge I'm sure I'll find useful in the future. Lesson One.
Lesson Two was about lies. It says in the Bible that satan is the father of lies, and it describes him as the god of this world, a lion seeking to devour, and a red dragon. Those are powerful descriptions, and this week I learned that satan is a powerful being and if I am not strong in God's word of who He says I am, I am easily overcome. The last little while I've had a nagging thought in the back of my head - one that said my friends only hung out with me because they were obligated to. For instance, the girls called me for that Bible study because I'm a 'young adult' and 'part of the group'.. on the list.. and not necessarily because they wanted me there. And my best buddy only hung out with me because either I asked him, or because he wanted to see my family - hang out with my sister, who is closer in age - but because she was busy I was the next best option. I have always had a difficult time believing that people actually liked me, but it was very hard this last week. I knew it was stupid to think things like that, because people don't hang out with people they don't like... but driving my buddy home one night, I asked him straight out, "Do you like hanging out with me?" We've been friends for a year, and close friends for probably ten months of that year. His response was what should've been expected: "Yeah, I spend more time with you than anyone else. Why?" I felt bad for doubting. But reality is, I did.
Lesson Two was about trusting and believing that I am valuable. That people aren't lying to me, aren't deceived somehow, when they tell me they like me, or I'm a fun person to be around, or I look good. I learned that if I let satan in, he'll take what I gave him and push in far past the line I drew, as deep as he can get. But I also learned that I can overcome that, if I remember the truth and dwell on that instead, trusting the Lord when He says that He made me in His image and although I'm not perfect because I'm human, He made no mistakes when He created me.
Lesson Three was the value of friendship. Nay, more than that. The value of life partnerships, support, and love between people. A kind of friendship that is much more than just the occasional coffee and movie night or walk on the beach. This girls' group is exactly that sort of friendship.
We meet at 7 or 7:30 every Saturday night. I've only gone two out of three weeks, but I feel so lightened when I leave each time that I'd almost rather go all night. Everyone who's attended has vocalized similar feelings. Essentially, right now it's a "if you knew me" group. I blogged about that particular show months ago, and now I find myself doing the same thing. We all know, or know of, each other, but for that two hours or so, we make a point to KNOW each other. Everything. Good, bad, and most important, the ugly. I shared about the two things I just wrote about. Others have shared about how they feel pressure to stand up to expectations, how they feel they have no one to lean on in their lives, and a multitude of other things we are normally taught not to 'burden others' with. Emotions run high - toilet paper is a necessity - but we laugh a lot too. We have sworn to hide nothing, to love everyone, to listen to anything - confidentially - and we have. And we've discovered the value of having a group of people who know when your life is full of crap.
The first week I went, we shared about our past and current struggles. Then we prayed as a group. Last night, we recapped and updated a little for some new people, and then we spent nearly three hours going around our circle of six or seven people, encouraging each other. The only rule was you had to make eye contact.. focus on one person at a time, and everyone shared something personal and uplifting with that individual. Nobody struggled to find anything to say, and tears flowed freely.. and for me, it really helped me to shake the idea that people don't love me for me, but because they 'should'. For twenty minutes, I had love poured on me from every corner of the room - and it was amazing. Life changing. Saturday nights are becoming the best nights of the week, and perhaps some of the best nights of my life thus far. Those girls and those hours mean so much to me.
I would encourage you to find at least one person, if not more, you can be completely honest with and spill anything and everything to. Remember that you're valuable, and although it's so hard for some reason to take compliments, when you get one, look that person in the eye and allow those words to sink in as you thank them.
I've had an incredible couple of weeks in my life. There are so many opportunities to learn about myself and about others. You have them too. Find them. Use them. Test them. Invest them.
