I learned it's okay to admit you're failing.
Not everyone is good at everything. Although I understood this before, I have realized I never applied it to me. There are things I can't do as well as others, and then there are things I really struggle with. Failing doesn't mean you're a bad person or that you will never accomplish your dreams. It doesn't even mean you won't finish the task or goal you started. All it means is that you're gonna have to try a little harder.
I learned that you constantly need to evaluate yourself and your progress.
When I started economics, the first lecture was easy and interesting. The next was a little more difficult but I could still do the homework without fully understanding the material. By the time I realized how far behind I actually was, it was not without consequence. If I had been honest with myself about how much I really knew, things would have been better.
Sometimes, you just have to put extra work in.
My professor, bless his heart, is very intelligent. He's also stronger in mathematics than myself, and is Bangladeshi. This means that his mathematical thought process is both faster than mine, and occasionally difficult to understand.
For me, this meant I rarely got anything out of lecture. Between trying to decipher his speech, watch his examples, and take the notes, I often found myself hopelessly confused and frustrated. Later on in the course I stopped trying to follow him and just told myself I'd read the book, which I did understand.
I did read some of the book, but not all of it. Also, some things needed to be read more than once for me to grasp the concept. I found it all very boring, but through failing I have come to appreciate the delayed benefit of tedious, hard work. Failing doesn't feel very good. I know now that I have to be able to motivate myself better, and this will be a good reminder as to why.
Once in awhile, things actually do create more stress than they're worth.
Yes, I could have put more effort in. Yes, I could've, should've, would've... Done this, done that... Hindsight, right? But I didn't, and what I did do wasn't enough. When I hit the floor last night in frustrated, bored agony because I didn't understand what I was trying to study for today, I realized that sometimes, some things are just not worth it. I was sitting at 50.5% before today's test, which is worth 10% of my total mark. For the amount of time studying and stress it continued to cause, trying to save myself was just not in the cards anymore. On that note...
It's okay to try again.
Sometimes it just doesn't work out. Despite your best efforts, or lack thereof, the ball drops. You fail. But it happens to everyone. Hundreds of people experience failure every day. You will live through it and it is okay to try again! Failure doesn't mean you can't. It just means you didn't this time.
You have to forgive yourself and move on.
Last night, I was very disappointed in myself. For not realizing sooner that I wasn't getting it, for not doing as much reading as I should have, for a hundred different small things. I felt guilty for wanting to quit, for wasting the time and money on the course when - if I just studied realllllllly hard all night - I might pass.
But I don't want to just pass. I want to succeed. I want to be proud of myself and cramming for a 53% isn't what I want. I also didn't want the extreme moodiness, exhaustion, and sickness that comes the next day with a stressful all nighter. So I chose to try again. I left that homework and study material on the corner of the bed and moved on to other things that needed doing for other courses in which I was still earning good marks. I had to stop feeling guilty for prioritizing, which is what I was actually doing.
So I did. I let it all go and I quit. I forgave myself for being stupid this time around and promised myself I'd do better next time. Forgiveness is not an excuse to repeat the mistake you've made, but rather an allowance of grace to attempt again. Don't forget that.
Lastly, I learned that even though it's still hard, I can learn math.
This course was difficult for me, even when I did understand the material. But there was some that I understood! Math and math related subjects (ie economics) have always been the most difficult subject matter for my art and writing wired brain. This course proved to me something I never believed: I can learn math. I can do math. So maybe it takes a little longer and a lot more effort... I am never telling myself I suck at math again, because I don't.
Math is a challenge, and it's now a challenge I believe I can overcome with the right mix of effort and motivation. This is a huge confidence boost for me.
So, really...
Yes, I failed. No, I probably didn't have to. I will try again. And I'm actually okay with it. I know this experience will guide and shape my failures in the future, of which there are bound to be some. As long as I know that it doesn't shape me, I'm ready to keep trying till I succeed. For that, I'm grateful for economics.
