The Inconvenience of Convenience

[Note: I meant to write this weeks ago, but thought it wasn't "big" enough... but it's still festering in my mind and someone mentioned I hadn't written in a while so I decided short or not, I'm posting. Hope you like.]

Anyways, let's get to it. I walked into one of our locations on campus at work a few weeks ago to deliver something, and noticed a new sign:

"The deli will close at 8pm tonight. Sorry for any inconvenience."

... and the proverbial bomb went off. Are we so helpless?

You see, what struck me was knowledge that yes, some students WOULD be disconcerted, even upset, that this one section of the store closed early (salad bar, grill, snack sections etc. were still open) and our management would probably be getting a letter or two from some kid too stubborn to simply pick something else that day. I was angered, and I do not believe it was unjustly.

My thoughts traveled to a conversation I had with my dad and his girlfriend when they were here last, about the technological move to online forms of communication. Their position was, and quite correctly, that kids, teens, and even adults are losing their ability to facilitate a face-to-face conversation. Because of constant use of texting, social networking sites, and other similar communication modalities, when two people (especially young people) find themselves in the physical presence of another person, they find themselves actually at a loss for words.

This is a problem. It derives from that phenomenon we call convenience. I mean, that is why we do it, isn't it? I'm sure it isn't because we intentionally don't want to know how to deal with our fellow humans when we can't just rudely walk away from the screen and ignore their anger (portrayed by CAPITAL LETTERS of course - easy to ignore!) No, that isn't the reason.

We do it because it's fast. It's cheap. It takes two seconds to text ten people; calling those ten to repeat the same information ten times would take twenty minutes, and what if they don't answer? A text can and will wait in a person's memory until they actually receive and read it... A phone call can't do that as efficiently.

And so goes the argument. There are thousands of valid reasons that wireless communication has gained the standing it has, and whether people realize it or not, it does affect everyone. I am going to England because of Facebook. I will be staying in touch through FaceTime, Skype, Twitter, Facebook, email, texting... you get the idea. I bought my airline tickets and travel insurance online. It all has its uses, and as we advance in the idea of a global village, it is becoming more and more important that we understand those uses and how they affect us and our families.

However, my parents' fears - and many others' fears - are not ungrounded. All of these technologies are driven by one idea - convenience.

So how long will it be before our children don't learn to write because it's more convenient for them to type? Before teachers teach from the comfort of their homes through video conferencing? Let's get really far fetched and ask ourselves how many years till we start ordering eggs and semen online from potential partners because it's too inconvenient to even have sex for procreation?

A good many years - or never - we hope... But reality may prove otherwise. So what can we do to slow, or stop, this solitary, computer-based culture from developing? Or, should we even try?

Fifty years ago, society knew much better than it does today what it means to work for reward - financial, relational, pleasurable, or otherwise. They knew how to communicate with their brethren because they had to. In this age, we don't "have to" - it's too easy and convenient to ignore responsibility towards both yourself and others. We are more impatient, harder to please, increasingly lazy. This thing, convenience, has changed the face of the world as we once knew it.

But how far is too far - and when do we know?

Fireflies' Dreams.

There is a song by the country singer Faith Hill entitled, "Fireflies".  It's about the innocence of a child's dreams, and how as we grow we often lose that ability to look beyond the limits of reality, to imagine the impossible and maybe, even make it happen.  (Listen to it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TnRPzpA4VCA)

Every little girl knows what a princess is, and aspires to be one.  Granted, some want to be like Cinderella, dressed in beautiful gowns and crowns and giving tea parties and dances.  Others, such as myself, take more to figures like Princess Zelda from the popular Nintendo games series.  She has the dress, but she is also very prone to jump into monster-slashing battles alongside the game hero Link.  Best of both worlds. 

Whatever she likes doesn't matter.  What matters are two very important ideas:  the first idea being that she is both beautiful and valuable as she is (another huge topic for a different blog), and the second idea being that she can dream. 

dream (drm) n.

1. A series of images, ideas, emotions, and sensations occurring involuntarily in the mind during certain stages of sleep.

2. A daydream; a reverie.

3. A state of abstraction; a trance.

4. A wild fancy or hope.


5. A condition or achievement that is longed for; an aspiration: a dream of owning their own business.


6. One that is exceptionally gratifying, excellent, or beautiful
 
[Emphasis added]

Take a close look at the last three definitions, the ones I've italicized.  To put that all into one feasible idea, a dream can be broken down into parts:

> Wild, Fancy - something so big it would never happen in one's regular day-to-day life
> An Aspiration, Achievement - a goal, something that can worked towards> Gratifying, Beautiful - something so lovely and enjoyable it couldn't be forgotten

In one sentence, a dream is something that you normally wouldn't experience, but would never never forget if it was to happen, and it something you can earn.

That, however, is an adult's way of looking at it.  A child simply says, "I wish I had a pony."  She imagines the pony in her yard, where she could pet it and groom it and ride it, where her and the pony would be best friends and spend each day together in each other's company.  An adult making the same wish says, "I would love to have a horse.  I wish that I could have money to buy it, a place to keep it, time to ride and take care of it, and the knowledge to train it."

We have been corrupted by our own adulthood.  No longer are we able to just dream; all our dreams are accompanied by limitations.

Not to say that you can just have a horse.  The adult is right in forseeing the responsibilities that would come with ownership.  But the dream itself, the idea and longing, should still reign free, unfettered by the world-weary harness of responsibility.

When I was younger, I watched shows like the Lion King and Kratts' Creatures.  I dreamed of what it would be like to be in a lion's natural habitat, to see a warthog in a mud hole, to gaze upon herds of gazelles and zebras as they paraded across the savannah.  I knew, because of school, that they lived on the other side of the world.  I had an idea that it would take a very long time and a lot of money to ever get there on a plane or ship.  But I never connected that with the possibility that I could go.  Little me, in Kelowna, never expected to somehow wind up beside a majestic lion on the other side of the planet.  I didn't understand that I could just pay for a plane ride, but I never gave up on dreaming.  As Cinderella says in her little song, "A dream is a wish your heart makes."

When I was young, Africa to me seemed impossible.  I had a heart wish to see it, but what could a girl do?  Turns out, anything I want.  Because dreams don't have to stay dreams forever.  Either you lose them, or you use them.  I used my dream.  Two years ago, I spent six hours in a van watching lions and giraffes in the Masai Mara National Reserve in Kenya, Africa. 

Right now, I'm making another childhood dream come true.  I've always wanted to explore castles, and forever been fascinated with kings, queens, and the history, adventure, and romance in the tales of Robin Hood and King Arthur with his Knights of the Round Table.  I thought, years ago, that because these things were hundreds of years old, they were gone.  In a sense, that is true - the culture of royal courts and the excitement of swords and bows that attract us in those stories are things of the past.  But the castles and the people (although long dead) were and are still real, and many do exist even today.  And I'm going to see them.

I've been looking for and praying about an opportunity to visit the UK, more specifically Ireland and Scotland, for over a year.  I looked into a few different things that didn't really fit into my budget and time allowances, but I never stopped dreaming.  A few months ago now, I contacted a pastor in England asking for advice on who I could contact about potentially volunteering with a church or organization somewhere in the UK, and lo and behold, his own church can and I'm now staying with him and his wife for six weeks.  I'm also traveling to cities in Scotland, Ireland, Wales, and possibly France.

And even though I'm now an adult, and understand that I have to pay a whackload of money to go, and find places to stay, transportation, food, etc... even though I have to be "responsible" for every aspect of this trip, sometimes I just stop myself for a minute.  Thinking about all of that, and trying to plan a two month excursion for myself, by myself, gets stressful, even with the excitement and anticipation.  When I have the numbers and prices from thirteen different train stations listed in comparison to a Britrail pass and bus schedules for Dublin and it's all running around in circles in my brain, I stop.  Find a picture of one of the castles I plan to visit.  Close my eyes, forget temporarily about all the prices and options, and just imagine myself standing within the walls of a structure that's 700 years old and was visited by the royal families of three or four countries.  I just see myself inside the walls of the White Tower, or looking at the final resting place of King Henry VIII, and I know that no matter how much stress, worry, excitement, or anticipation courses through my head, I will always have that ability to go back to the simplistic dream of my childhood to 'see a real castle' - and to know that my dream, through my own planning and hard work, is coming true.

Two things I have learned through this process...

1)  God's timing and prayer never fail you.  I know now that had I been accepted into the YWAM program or a nannying position, I wouldn't have been satisfied.  All I wanted out of those was to travel; I was looking in the wrong place for the wrong reasons.  This opportunity provides exactly what I was looking for: the ability to travel and see lots of places and faces, but also to stay as part of a family and really experience the culture through eyes free of "tourist" glasses.  All things are possible through God if we wait patiently for Him to provide us with the reality of the vision, and remember that it doesn't - and usually, won't - come in the way we expect.
2)  Never stop dreaming.  As soon as you give up your heart's desires - however far they may seem now - you lose much of your reason to live.  The person who has nothing to dream about and aspire to has no reason to get up in the morning, outside of their personal responsibilities to family, work, the church, or anything else they've committed to.  However, the folks who get up every day because they 'have to' burn out more easily and faster than one would think possible.  Having a dream is a refreshing reminder that life doesn't have to be humdrum and gives us something to work toward, and when we reach the goal, a huge reward in the form of something that we've been waiting and wishing for, sometimes for years.

Something else I've come to learn has to do with the relationships in my life.  Having these dreams of traveling from my childhood being realized, it's showed me that God knows and remembers not only my needs, but my wants - even those I may not even yet know myself.  Another dream every little little girl imagines is being swept away by the fairytale handsome prince - and that one only grows stronger as we get older.  I used to dream of being done school, getting my driver's licence, and of course traveling.  I wasn't too concerned with boys when I was younger.  But as my dreams are either given up (such as being a pilot - not really into that anymore) or fulfilled, new ones take their places.  I dream now of having a career and a husband, and I know that even though I'm not one hundred perecent sure how those will happen yet, as long as I keep praying, waiting, and watching for an opportunity, when I am ready God will make those things happen, too.


PS: Did I mention I bought my plane tickets last night?

Purity In Its Purest Form

Ladies and gentlemen, I have an announcement!  I am a single young woman of marriagable age! 

Yes, I know you already know.  In fact, some may disagree.. many these days consider twenty too young.  But fact is, people my age (and younger!) are getting into relationships, getting married, and beginning families.  Many of us singletons simply watch in major confusion and ample jealousy as two people we know fall helplessly into this thing called "love", buy pretty rings, and pay exhorbitant prices for huge parties to proclaim their mutual fascination for each other to the rest of the world and solemnly promise to do their best to stay fascinated until they're old and wrinkly.

This naturally raises questions for us not quite so lucky ones. 

There is the whole mottled bottle of questions involving dating, what kind of a guy should I go out with, blah blah blah.. but many of us never dare to ask the questions we are most curious about: those involving sex.

We are sexual beings.  There's no denying that.  And the older we get, the more apparent it becomes.  I can't speak for everyone, but as I mature, the longings and the questions get deeper and deeper, as well as more confusing.  I know enough people that feel the same way to assume that statement is true for a good part of the population - especially if you are inexperienced in love.

So how do we answer those deepseated feelings?  Every girl struggles with complex issues about attractiveness, fear of rejection, of not being enough, of being alone... what is the right thing to tell a girl that will convince her everything will be okay, there is someone out there for you, and yes, you will find love...

Nobody knows for sure.  Some are very successful at it, but it takes years of practice, study, and many failures before they know how to make someone KNOW that everything's going to be okay.. and it's usually their own wives who help them figure it out.

Where do the rest of us turn to?  Unfortunately, that question is the the root of much of the young girl's problems today.  Many teens are too ashamed or afraid to ask, and parents find it much too awkward to approach.  So our nation's daughters get their answers about romance, love and sex from raunchy magazines and television shows that make your heart race and your brain swoon but contain little of reality or truth.

I was lucky enough to have a mom willing to share what she knew about relationships and sex, good and bad, complete or not.  But I am in the minority.  Too many young ladies have the wrong ideas about what it means to be in a relationship and undervalue the gift of their virginity.

I recently went online to look up advice on having sex the first time, to see what people my age and younger would be reading (and you can bet your life they do).  I also read some personal stories of first time sexual encounters.  Some I was encouraged by, but they were quickly outweighed by scenarios that belonged in R-rated movies.  Many stories contained comments that went along the lines of, "I didn't feel ready, but he wanted me to, so I just did it,", "We were holding hands, and one thing led to another..", and "I didn't want my first time to be like this, and I regret my choices."

Some websites were very clear about the physical details one could expect (amount of pain, etc), but the one thing I appreciated the most were the stories that admitted to feeling more pressure than pleasure.  90% of testimonies on those sites were from young girls and guys admitting to having sexual relations mid-teens, with someone they thought "loved them", only to break up a few weeks or months later and realize they'd wasted their gift on another who didn't care as much as they seemed to.

That REALLY bothers me.

Since the dawn of time, people have been struggling with one question.  It has many faces, but when you look past the weight loss, the makeup, the hair, the muscles, the cars, houses, boats, jobs... we all need to know: are we good enough?  And it has never been more prevalent than now.

It is my belief that society has a responsibility, and we are failing.  We are responsible to treat every person as a person and an individual, with individual needs, wants, and fears.  We are responsible to make our young people understand that they don't need what TV says they need in order to be accepted and productive members of society.  We are responsible to tell each twelve year old girl and boy that they do not need to be skinner, more muscled, more painted up, stronger.  That they don't need to have sex before they're sixteen.  That they are much more valuable than they think and believe and they don't have to prove themselves to anyone.

Because that's what they believe. 

But that's not what I believe.

I too, have questions.  I too desire a relationship and to experience love and sex and all that goes with it.  I'm preprogrammed to do so, and media today sadly isn't helping to solve the probelm.  But I know that unless I'm ready, with the right man, at the right time, things will go sour quicker than warm milk.  I know that waiting for a covenant marriage, where my husband and I have committed to walk together for life, will be worth all the pain, impatience, confusion, and unmet desire I struggle with now.

My solution?  I remember.  I remember every successful couple I've ever met, every unsuccessful relationship I've ever witnessed, all the broken young men and women that weren't sure what they wanted, and figured it out too late.  Then, I pray.  Pray for strength to wait.  Pray for wisdom in how I deal with the men in my life.  I even pray for the ones I'm attracted to or interested in, that they would have wisdom in their own lives and that God would work in them and remind them of how much they're worth. 

One of the most valuable tools to deal with the questions I've found is having close friends of the same sex who are willing to talk about it.  Friends who are going through the same struggles, same feelings, and will encourage you as you encourage them.

It's hard, but it will not last forever.  You are good enough.  I am good enough.  And someday, we'll all find the love we're dreaming of.

You might be reading this and thinking, this doesn't apply to me.  I'm 40 years old with three kids, a great husband, and a busy life.  Or, I'm 60 years old and have two grandkids.  Well, got news for ya.  You're wrong.  It very much applies to you, to your kids, to your grandkids, to your neighbours, the cop that pulled you over last week, and the man behind the counter at Tim's.  People's struggles don't end magically when they reach a certain age.  Fairytale weddings turn into horrific nightmares because of these issues.  Each of us knows what it feels like.  Each has influence.  Go out today and encourage someone.  Hopefully someday we'll convince the world.

Remembrances.

I have photos on my walls. 

Not uncommon.

They're photos of places, pets, past times, projects, and people.  Mostly people.  Many people.  Many people that I don't even speak to anymore.

The past three weeks I have been staring at particular sets of photos on my walls, gazing upon faces of princes familiar.  People I used to be really good friends with.  Maybe even family.  I was, at least, for one - a little sister.  But "used" is past tense.  Meaning what "used" to be is no longer.  Meaning it doesn't happen anymore.  I'm not anyone's little sister now.

My heart's been aching like I've never experienced before.  Friends come and go all the time.  It's happened a hundred, a thousand, countless times to me.  I always find new ones to fill the space.  But not this time. 

The walls are crumbling and the cracks are widening.  And I miss them.

And it hurts.

I don't understand why I miss these few particulars more than others in the past.  I certainly had good friends, even best friends, that moved away or changed schools and I lived on.  Maybe it's the way they went.

I do, however, understand why I miss them.  They made me happy.  I felt confident, appreciated, loved.  Maybe even pretty.  Protected.  Valued.  Sometimes even fun.

But it ended.  Not slowly, and not even with a goodbye from at least one of them.  Just dropped.  Like marshmallows in fire.  Bam.  Done.  Melted.  Burned and gone. 

Just. Gone.

I guess that it hurts because at one point, I meant something, more than just a friend, someone they cared about and spent time with.  Because I cared about them.  Invested my time, energy, wisdom, patience, and even cash.  For long periods of time.  Months.

Then circumstances change and they're just gone.  I feel so abandoned and forgotten.  I can't comprehend how you can spend four or five days a week with someone, then go from that to not even a shred of communication in less than two months.  Because I tried.  Facebooked, texted, called.  Knocked on doors when I could.  Nothing worked.  I was relocated to the back burner, set on very low heat, and forgotten about.  Maybe even turned off all the way.

My head's telling me that I don't need friends like that.  That it's good they're not talking to me, because it just proves that they don't care enough to put effort into it anyway.  That I should just give up and move on and find people who will put the time in.  That I'm better off this way.

But my heart misses those who were close.  Maybe I can't have them back the way things were, but I wish I could have them back at all.  Even one conversation, just to show me they haven't forgotten.  That life just got in the way, communication broke down, I'm sorry, they're sorry, and we'll fix it.  Have coffee.

But I know that most, if not all, won't repair themselves the way I wish they could.  And I know that's something I'll have to learn to live with.  Because I'm an adult now, and I have to choose what kind of people I want to be around.  There will be new friends, and old ones.  And there will be people with whom it is better to break contact with, regardless of how I feel about them.  But there will also be people, and one specific person eventually, who will be able to fill every void I've felt and am feeling and will feel.  When I learn to let go, and stop allowing this kind of situation to affect my happiness. 

Welcome to life.  Wish it was easier.  It's not.  No cake walks.  Just bushwhacking.

Living and Learning

First off, I want to explain why my posts have been so few and far between as of late.  I feel like the purpose of this blog is not just for me to write and to get things off my chest, but also to provide a solid view on issues and why I see it that way - to perhaps have something concrete, a lesson of some sort, that the reader can take away.  If nothing else, for people to understand who I am and why I feel the way I do.  Lately, my thoughts have been nothing but abstract emotions, slowly conglomerating into life lessons.  Until this week, I couldn't put words to anything I've been feeling, experiencing, and learning that would format into cohesive sentences.  I didn't want to write anything on here that didn't have a point.. or a semblance of a point... so that's why there's been almost nothing.  I'm sorry, but I'm human and sometimes I'm a slow learner.. plus I've exhausted many of the things that I have opinions on in this blog already.  Haha.  That being said, I feel like I've learned three HUGE things in the past two weeks. 

I've started going to a girls' group every Saturday night.  It's going to be some kind of Bible study (we're discussing potential topics right now), but it's also just a place where we can go to hang out with, and be real with, other like-minded young adult females.  I'll go into more detail in a bit here, but it was mostly in talking with these ladies that all these thoughts morphed into ideas.

The first one has to do with relationships.  Obviously, I'm at an age where that's often on my mind.  It's hard to forget when my friends are starting to get married and some older ones are having their first children.  God has seen fit, in the last year or so, to put me into many positions where I am blessed to be able to give a listening ear to folks younger than myself (and occasionally older too) with their relationships, and to offer an opinion and advice if it's wanted. 
I sometimes find it difficult to talk about such things objectively, when they're describing how they feel and dreams and problems and whatnot - describing things I wish I had and don't, and never have.  Since I've never been in a relationship, I assume that I'm a good communicator, or a good listener, or both, since they keep coming back to me with questions and thoughts.  I get jealous, but it's my opinion that you should look for a relationship with the intention of marriage - and I don't know if I'm ready for that yet. 

However, last week I was texting a friend about it and he replied, "Half of me wants a relationship, some of me doesn't, and the rest isn't sure."  I felt that was exactly where I was at, and then a thought came, which I texted back: "I'm learning too much about relationships to be in one right now."  I think that's a very encouraging statement for myself.  By talking about others' relationships, I'm learning a lot about what it takes to make, break and repair them.. knowledge I'm sure I'll find useful in the future.  Lesson One.

Lesson Two was about lies.  It says in the Bible that satan is the father of lies, and it describes him as the god of this world, a lion seeking to devour, and a red dragon.  Those are powerful descriptions, and this week I learned that satan is a powerful being and if I am not strong in God's word of who He says I am, I am easily overcome.  The last little while I've had a nagging thought in the back of my head - one that said my friends only hung out with me because they were obligated to.  For instance, the girls called me for that Bible study because I'm a 'young adult' and 'part of the group'.. on the list.. and not necessarily because they wanted me there.  And my best buddy only hung out with me because either I asked him, or because he wanted to see my family - hang out with my sister, who is closer in age - but because she was busy I was the next best option.  I have always had a difficult time believing that people actually liked me, but it was very hard this last week.  I knew it was stupid to think things like that, because people don't hang out with people they don't like... but driving my buddy home one night, I asked him straight out, "Do you like hanging out with me?"  We've been friends for a year, and close friends for probably ten months of that year.  His response was what should've been expected: "Yeah, I spend more time with you than anyone else.  Why?"  I felt bad for doubting.  But reality is, I did.

Lesson Two was about trusting and believing that I am valuable.  That people aren't lying to me, aren't deceived somehow, when they tell me they like me, or I'm a fun person to be around, or I look good.  I learned that if I let satan in, he'll take what I gave him and push in far past the line I drew, as deep as he can get.  But I also learned that I can overcome that, if I remember the truth and dwell on that instead, trusting the Lord when He says that He made me in His image and although I'm not perfect because I'm human, He made no mistakes when He created me.

Lesson Three was the value of friendship.  Nay, more than that.  The value of life partnerships, support, and love between people.  A kind of friendship that is much more than just the occasional coffee and movie night or walk on the beach.  This girls' group is exactly that sort of friendship.

We meet at 7 or 7:30 every Saturday night.  I've only gone two out of three weeks, but I feel so lightened when I leave each time that I'd almost rather go all night.  Everyone who's attended has vocalized similar feelings.  Essentially, right now it's a "if you knew me" group.  I blogged about that particular show months ago, and now I find myself doing the same thing. We all know, or know of, each other, but for that two hours or so, we make a point to KNOW each other.  Everything.  Good, bad, and most important, the ugly.  I shared about the two things I just wrote about.  Others have shared about how they feel pressure to stand up to expectations, how they feel they have no one to lean on in their lives, and a multitude of other things we are normally taught not to 'burden others' with.  Emotions run high - toilet paper is a necessity - but we laugh a lot too.  We have sworn to hide nothing, to love everyone, to listen to anything - confidentially - and we have.  And we've discovered the value of having a group of people who know when your life is full of crap.

The first week I went, we shared about our past and current struggles.  Then we prayed as a group.  Last night, we recapped and updated a little for some new people, and then we spent nearly three hours going around our circle of six or seven people, encouraging each other.  The only rule was you had to make eye contact.. focus on one person at a time, and everyone shared something personal and uplifting with that individual.  Nobody struggled to find anything to say, and tears flowed freely.. and for me, it really helped me to shake the idea that people don't love me for me, but because they 'should'.  For twenty minutes, I had love poured on me from every corner of the room - and it was amazing.  Life changing.  Saturday nights are becoming the best nights of the week, and perhaps some of the best nights of my life thus far.  Those girls and those hours mean so much to me.

I would encourage you to find at least one person, if not more, you can be completely honest with and spill anything and everything to.  Remember that you're valuable, and although it's so hard for some reason to take compliments, when you get one, look that person in the eye and allow those words to sink in as you thank them.

I've had an incredible couple of weeks in my life.  There are so many opportunities to learn about myself and about others.  You have them too.  Find them.  Use them.  Test them.  Invest them.

I'm A Child Again

Right this moment, my mother has just finished crying.  I'm not sure what she was crying about - I never asked.It's not that I don't love my mother, or want to comfort her, or that I don't care... but my step dad was already there.  And I realized something.

This is how I should've felt ten years ago.

My parents separated when I was four, and although my mother dated several men before finding the right man (who is amazing and they're about ten years together), she often felt alone and frusterated.  Understandable, as a single mother of two young children (my sister was two years old), and having to provide all the necessities of life on her own.  My father sent money and came to see us, but in the early years both cash and visits were somewhat scarce.  (Past is past, and the situation improved, they now get along famously).

Throughout the six or so years we were a three person family, things often arose that stressed her out or made her cry, and as the oldest child and often the only one around she could talk to, I became her confidante in a lot of things, ranging from finances to work stress to anger with my dad over some thing he did or didn't do. 

I don't blame her for that.  It probably wasn't the best way to be raised, and we both realize it - but I'm glad to know that if I helped her get through it a little bit, then it was worth it.  It also taught me a lot about communication and family dynamics, things I've communicated to others to help in their family situations.  It showed me things I never would've learned otherwise about commitment, love, hardship, strength, and ultimately in later years, forgiveness. 

Good or bad, I don't care.  It is what it is, and no one can change the past.  That's the way it was.. until now.  Until I just realized something.  This is how it would've felt, ten years ago, if things were different.

Because Tony is there, taking the role as husband, comforter, supporter - as he rightfully should - I don't have to.  I could ask, and sometimes I do, but it's not my responsibility or obligation.  I used to think it was, and it caused me to grow up a lot faster than some kids.  Not that I mind taking it.  My mom and I are best friends, and I'm okay with still being that person - occassionally. 

But no longer all the time. 

I'm sitting here, writing this, feeling free.  Feeling like the child I used to be but never really was.  I'm grateful for the chance to know what it feels like to let someone else, whose rightful position is such, be the person I used to try to be.  To know that I know my mom loves me, and I love her, but that it's okay to let Tony step in and be her husband, that they need to do this together and maybe it's better if I just stay out. 
I feel like a kid - and even if it's ten years late, I'm glad I know what it feels like to be a kid and to let my mom have what she needed so long ago.

Better late than never.

Son, Have You Seen The World?

I've blogged a few times about songs from the artist Rise Against.  I'm about to do so again.

I haven't listened to them tons lately, but there's a new dishwasher at work and he likes them a lot.  So I was sitting there, working, this afternoon, when a song came on that I've heard before.

However, I recently really heard it for the first time, just a few weeks ago.

It's called Hero Of War.

I debated for a long time about whether to post the lyrics, as they contain some foul language and descriptions of violence.. however, it didn't feel right just to describe the situations to you.  It would water it down.  Therefore, if you have a minor around that likes to read over your shoulder (I was one of those) and you don't want them reading this.. send them away now.

Rise Against - Hero Of War

He said "Son, have you seen the world?

Well, what would you say if I said that you could?
Just carry this gun and you'll even get paid."
I said "That sounds pretty good."
Black leather boots
Spit-shined so bright
They cut off my hair but it looked alright
We marched and we sang
We all became friends
As we learned how to fight


A hero of war
Yeah that's what I'll be
And when I come home
They'll be damn proud of me
I'll carry this flag
To the grave if I must
Because it's a flag that I love
And a flag that I trust


I kicked in the door
I yelled my commands
The children, they cried
But I got my man
We took him away
A bag over his face
From his family and his friends


They took off his clothes
They pissed in his hands
I told them to stop
But then I joined in
We beat him with guns
And batons not just once
But again and again


A hero of war
Yeah that's what I'll be
And when I come home
They'll be damn proud of me
I'll carry this flag
To the grave if I must
Because it's a flag that I love
And a flag that I trust


She walked through bullets and haze
I asked her to stop
I begged her to stay
But she pressed on
So I lifted my gun
And I fired away


The shells jumped through the smoke
And into the sand
That the blood now had soaked
She collapsed with a flag in her hand
A flag white as snow


A hero of war
Is that what they see
Just medals and scars
So damn proud of me
And I brought home that flag
Now it gathers dust
But it's a flag that I love
It's the only flag I trust


He said, "Son, have you seen the world?
Well what would you say, if I said that you could?"

Last night I finished the book A Lucky Child: A Memoir of Surviving Auschwitz as a Young Boy, by Thomas Buergenthal.  At the end of the book, the question that burns for him is why.  Not "Why did this happen?", but "Why did some lose their moral compass while others died standing for what they believed?"

Those are both great questions, but I think the second one is much more poignant.  Asking why something happened questions the idea of fate - "Why did God allow this?", but conversely asking why someone would descend to a level where they treat other humans as dispensable puts the question not on God, but on ourselves.  Why we allow ourselves to choose things we know to be morally wrong.

The same thing occurs in the song I posted above.  The singer describes going to war and making decisions that devalue human life and our unalienable rights ("We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are created equal, that they are endowed, by their Creator, with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness." - USA Founding Fathers).

The question he asks is not why did this happen or why did I allow it, but something even greater - why am I hiding it?  Every man, woman and child desires to conceal the things they've done wrong.  It's ingrained in our blood from Adam and Eve, hiding in the Garden after they sinned.  In the song, the artist paints a picture of coming home and being hailed as a "hero of war", but in his heart and his head, he's saying, "You have no idea what I've done.. all you see are the pictures we choose to send over.  I am not the person you think I am.  I am no more a hero than you; in fact, I am less."

I think those are two questions we ought to be asking ourselves about all the choices we make, and actions we take, in our lives.  Firstly, are we holding true to our moral standards; respecting others and ourselves?  If not, why?  Are we afraid of something or someone, trying to earn recognition, trying to survive, to get that one more bit of moldy black bread as if we were a starving Jew in a Nazi camp? 

When the day comes and we do make mistakes, why do we let people believe what they want to believe?  Maybe it does less harm.. but really, does it?  Are you willing to hold in your wretched secrets to allow others to think you're a hero of war, when you just effectively lied to your boss about a job you didn't get done, because he believes it was someone else's fault and you didn't tell him?  What happens if they ever find out.. wouldn't you rather it was from yourself and not a third party? 

Really.  Why do we do the things we do?  Honesty rarely gets people raises, but it garnishes respect and trust.  To let others down is also to let ourselves down - they may forget, but we cannot.  We reap what we sow.

What's more valuable to you?

A War We All Can't Lose... Dangerous Muse.

I have a new favorite song.  Written by a local, and better yet, someone I know personally... although I don't know if he'd remember me all that well.  I went to school with his daughters.  His name? Andrew Smith.  The song? 

Dangerous Muse.
(http://www.roadmapmusic.com/mood/intense/) [The second track, click the yellow "play" button to listen)

I'm becoming a huge fan of ballads.  I saw Great Big Sea live on Friday night with a friend, and heard this title track from their new album, Safe Upon The Shore.  Check it out here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KlZUwVTfQyU&feature=related

The reason I love ballads is because they produce in me a very ethereal (in the metaphysical sense) longing for life.  As ballads are a much more ancient form of music than rock and pop, they immediately transport me into this primal sort of thinking, where nothing matters but the will to live and the strength to fight for what I love - my family and my home.  To a place and time when there was naught but the plow and the sword to live by, when a man worked the earth and went to war whilst his woman stayed and took charge of the house and children, and sang to them about the day their father would come home.

Nowadays, things have changed so much, as the natural course of technological advancements decree.  There's nothing wrong with that... people live and die as they always have and always will, but now there's more ways to die as well as more ways to prevent one's death, through medicine and things... but sometimes I feel like we've lost something important over the centuries, which is that will to live.  Live, meaning not just remain physically sustained, but to have something you'd give your life for, to take opportunity, to learn and achieve and have something to show for the years you've spent on earth.

Maybe this doesn't apply to everyone.. there are plenty of motivated people here that are doing just that.  However, and I see it personally every day, there are more and more folks who have no idea what they want out of life.. people who just sit and play games or watch movies, go to work, come home, eat, and sleep.  They're just existing, and you know it because they're bored all the time, but when the question comes, "What should we do?"  they never have an answer.

I feel like that sometimes.  My life is (ironically) like the images from a heart moniter... I hit highs where I feel like I can do anything and be anyone, but they're only temporary and after a few months I find myself down in a valley again.

A friend once told me that humans get bored with anything after approximately three months, give or take.  We need constant change in order to stay motivated.  I've never seen a study to corroborate her statement, but I have to believe it, because it's true for me.

Two examples in the last months - my job, first of all.  I loved it for a month, and then the novelty wore off, and then the un-novelty wore off, and I get bored now, and all the staff are in the same boat because tempers are continually wearing shorter.  Hour reductions start April 2nd, and I get laid off for the summer April 29th.  I couldn't ever see myself saying this in the beginning, but I can't wait for it to end now.  I'm in my fifth month, and it's grating on me.

Second example is trampoline and tumbling.  I've been taking classes for two months, and practicing on my own at a small gymnastics gym my mom works at.  Everything was great and I was learning and progressing fast enough to suit my expectations.. until two weeks ago.  I got tired at the end of practice, couldn't land a trick that I can normally, and since then I'm really not even motivated to try anything.  I was so close to landing some things I've been working on for weeks, and I don't even care any more.  I want to know how to do those and other tricks still, but I get on the trampoline and I can't find the drive within myself any longer - it's just as easy to jump off again and walk away.  It doesn't matter to me.  Now I want to learn to play my bodhran, but it gets frustrating (as I'm learning off of youtube with no formal instruction), and I know that eventually I'll give that up too. 

It bothers me, because it's sort of difficult to become good at anything when you only try for two or three months, but at the same time how do you keep yourself excited and willing to pursue your goals when you walk in one day and find out that it doesn't even matter to you any more?  Even with dogs, something I love and could do all day, I find myself feeling 'done'.

The bigger problem is, when I get bored with my current interest, I tend to get bored with everything else as the feeling spills over from that one activity into the rest of my life, and I enter into a cycle of depression.  Having dealt with this a number of times in past years, the only solution I've been able to find is to learn something new.. but often I have problems motivating myself to even get out and try.

I'm entering into that again now.. bored with life and the things I've been doing.. I can't wait to get out my bike and go riding until I'm so exhausted I can't even think about being bored.  Go swimming and relax in the warm summer sun.  But I still need something to do, something that's worth getting up for and being excited about.

And I need to figure out how to stay motivated for the things I'm involved in now.. otherwise I'll end my life being mediocre at a thousand different things, but with no great skill in anything to show for all the time I put into it when I was interested.

I don't really have a big question for introspection this week.  But if you know how I'm feeling and maybe have a way to get past it, please comment and share.  If you don't have a solution but still can identify, comment anyway so we can all be moody, uninterested suckers together.

Just kidding.. sort of.

Oh, and by the way, this is the greatly anticipated (one can dream, can't one?) part 3 of that three piece thought I started a few weeks ago.  Although... ach, nevermind.  It wasn't all that great anyway.

A New Creed To Succeed

If you know me at all, you ought to know that I love dogs, and anything to do with dogs.  That includes playing and petting, exercising - even the nastier things like bathing and scooping poop - if it means I get to spend time with a beautiful canine, I'm in.  However, I ESPECIALLY love training.

To have a dog, or any animal for that matter, execute a behaviour perfectly and on cue not only looks good to others because your dog is "obedient" and "smart", it is also a hugely satisfying feeling to know that this animal has done this thing because you taught it to.

I've owned dogs for the past roughly 11 years.  I've learned some things about training and care and what works, as well as plenty that doesn't work at all.  I've built confidence in my abilities to teach and to handle a dog, and knowledge in how to approach different personalities.  However, nobody's ever finished learning, and if someone thinks they know everything there is to know, they're probably an arrogant person and not fit to hang around anyway.

That being said, I have recently (in the last three weeks or so), entered into the world of clicker training.  Clicker training is the use of a clicker (essentially a thin piece of metal that makes a clicking sound when bent) and reinforcement (food, play, or anything the subject likes) to capture behaviours and put them on cue.

For example, teaching a dog to come on cue is the first thing any trainer will do.  Essentially, you "click" the dog first when it even looks at you, and then for taking steps toward you, and eventually for running directly to you past various distractions.  Each time you click the dog, you offer it a reward, known as a reinforcer.  The dog does not understand that you are teaching it to 'come'.  What it does understand that every time it comes to you, you make that sound and it gets something it really likes (often a food tidbit works great).  You then add a "cue" (a word, hand signal, scent, flashing light), and as the dog continues to perform the behaviour, it will begin to associate with the cue given at the same time, and it learns, "Hey, when she says, "sit" and I put my bottom on the ground, I get a treat!"

This is known as operant conditioning.  What it means is that the subject learns that every time A occures, B follows.  A common example from human life is the stove - we've all learned that A - putting our hand on a hot burner results in B - getting burned.  At the same time, we've learned that removing said hand stops the pain.

Clicker training is the technology evolved from operant conditioning. There are negative reinforcers -  like in the example just given, when we remove our hand from the element (A), the negative aspect (the burning sensation) is removed (B), resulting in a more positive experience and something retained.  There are postive reinforcers as well.  The dog learns that every time it hears the clicker (A), a reward follows (B).  All that's required now is to pair the behaviour with a cue of some sort, transfer the behaviour reinforcement from the click to the new cue, and you shortly have Fido performing his sit quickly and reliably.

There are two major rules to clicker training, and the first is that there is no punishment involved whatsoever.  If the subject doesn't offer the behaviour wanted, it doesn't get a reward - simple as that.  Secondly, that you must set up the training in such a way that you ensure the subject will eventually succeed.  Ensure that your dog has nothing better to do while you're training it a new behaviour, so that it gets so bored it will eventually sit naturally - and you click.  The dog will go, "Heyyyy... what just happened?  Hm.  What did I do?  Maybe I can do it again..." 

You may have noticed that I've been using the word cue instead of command... on http://www.clickertraining.com/, author and clicker trainer Karen Pryor makes this statement in an article about clicker training falcons:

To do this, we need to understand more about cues. A cue is different from a command. We give our dogs commands all the time: Come here. Lie down. Get in the truck. Shut up. A command is a signal to do something, but it is also a threat: Come here Or Else. Or else I will make you do it. Or else I will reprimand you. If the command is not heeded, we often escalate the threat aspect: we yell the command, for example. This often works with dogs. Sometimes it works with people. But we all know it NEVER works with birds.

That doesn't mean, however, that you can't tell a bird what to do; you just do it with cues, instead of commands. We don't normally teach cues methodically; animals pick them up. You decide to go to the store, so you make sure you've got your car keys. The dog hears the keys jingle, and runs to the front door. That sound has become the cue for a behavior: "Get to the door fast, and I might get to go for a ride." A cue is like a green light: it's a window of opportunity to do the right thing and get reinforced for it. Here's the cue: my fist in position. Step onto my glove, and you'll get a click and a treat. The cue need not be so obvious: a whistle or a gesture that's nowhere near the perch can tell the bird "Get on the perch and I will click you.

The big difference between a cue and a command is that while a command is an implied threat, a cue is a positive signal: a cue is an opportunity for reinforcement. When the cue is well-learned, it becomes a sort of "on" switch for action. The animal WANTS to do the behavior the cue indicates, because it has paid off handsomely now and then in the past. It doesn't stop to ponder, "Yes, but do I want a tidbit more than I want to sit on this telephone pole?" It just responds. "Oh, he said 'Come!' Good, here I come!" So, once you have established a cue, you don't need to escalate it, to get results. When the light turns green, we step on the gas immediately; two green lights, or a bigger green light, would not make us step on the gas any faster or better. When the phone rings, we answer it, even though sometimes the caller is a roofing salesman and sometimes we were doing something we really enjoyed more than phone calls when the phone rang. It's a cue, cues mean a chance to get something good, and we respond.

Makes sense, doesn't it? 

So here's my thought for the day. 

What if we applied this to our lives? 

Not just training our pets to perform pretty tricks, but actually applied it.

We all know someone who is simply way too busy.  Activites, kids, meetings, travel - they just have no time.  What if you're that person?  You probably find that not everything you do gets done as well as you could do it, and I'm willing to bet that it's because of a lack of time to apply to it.  You haven't set yourself up to be successful.  It doesn't even have to be about reaping a reward, but even that would come.  By reducing the amount of things in your schedule, you free up time to better complete those events and tasks that you have still committed to - but you also have time for coffee with friends, for a warm bath with candles, or a date night with your spouse...

What about our kids?  Asking them to clean their room often seems like more of a headache than a help.  But what if you put a bit more effort into creating a situation where they are more likely to be successful on their own?  Instead of putting up just shelves for the toys, label boxes with pictures of Lego, dollies, and cars, then place matching labels on the shelves where the boxes should go.  Put organizational bins in the closet for craft supplies, and then put into practice the same principle clicker trainers use to teach a new behaviour - make the reward for offering the wanted behaviour (cleaning up) much more tempting and substantial than the children's current activity.  For instance, putting away your toys means you can help mommy bake and decorate cookies afterwards. 

There's even a training technique where trainers call the animal away from what it's doing (for instance, a dog chasing a squirrel), but then reward its obedience by allowing it to return to the same acitivity.  So let's say Sarah is playing with PlayDoh, but has neglected to tidy up her tea party things from several hours ago.  Her mother might say, "Sarah, dear, it's time to clean up your tea party, but you can go back that after you're finished."  Sarah obeys because she knows that the PlayDoh wasn't taken away, but rather postponed. 

If you think hard, you could come up with thousands of similar situations for anyone.  I'm not trying to compare people to dogs or birds, but sometimes the same principles work for both.  Why don't we start cueing ourselves and others instead of commanding? 

How can you set yourself and those around you up for success today?

Lost In The Middle Of Everywhere

[This is not part 3 of that little mini-series of thoughts.  Sorry.  However, if you were expecting that, worry not.. It's still on my heart and I'll get to it soon.]

This weekend was our church's Young Adults retreat.  We went to Elkhart Lodge (http://elkhart.webs.com/).  It was fun, and I had a good time, but in the same clause I was uncomfortable.  Not from the cold (it was freezing haha), or anything like that.  Just being around these people.

And it's been like that for a long time.  It's not because I don't like them.  And until this weekend, I wasn't even exactly sure why.  But whenever I would go to the Young Adults services, or even to church, I'd get that feeling.  I stopped going to the services, and at church I sat with younger friends who were still in highschool, instead of the older ones in YA.

Anyways, at the retreat we had a little worship/prayer session as a group, that feeling came again as I was around all these young adults.  But this time, I realized what it was, and the thought just came:

I don't know where I belong here.

It's not that I don't feel like I DON'T belong.  I feel accepted and on equal terms with everyone.  I just don't know where I fit in.  Part of it has to do with age.  I'm one of the youngest people there. Nearly everyone, excepting about maybe 10 people (out of maybe 50 or 60) is at least three years older, if not more.   But there are still a few younger than me, that have found places in the band, and other things.  So there goes that reason.

It's hard to explain, but even though I'm 20 I still feel like a child there; as if, because of my at times boundless energy and ADD speech patterns, they still view me as this reckless, crazy teenager that still has to grow up.  And in a way, I can't blame them.  It's like as soon as I enter the room, I'm just happy to be around all these people I admire and would love to be friends with (or, better friends anyway) and I just get excited.  And when I get excited I do blubber around and bounce and act like a fool more often than not.  But I also feel like that's the only me that they know, so that's the person I have to be around them.  Like they'll never figure out that there's a serious side too, that knows I'm ridiculous but I just don't know how to interact with them any other way because this is all they've ever seen.

And that's blocking me from having a deeper relationship with these people.  Some of them I've known since I was in elementary and they were in middle and high school.  I mean, it really should be a non-issue.  But it is, and I know it is because it happens all the time.  That session wasn't the only time it happened at the retreat.. Saturday there were two girls playing a game, and I wanted to play, but I was too afraid to ask; by the time I worked up the courage to see if maybe I could join in the next round, they were cleaning it up.  I lost my chance to engage and strengthen a relationship because I don't trust myself to interact with them and not be an idiot because that's the only thing I know how to do.

At that same session, when we were done worshiping we got into small groups to pray with each other.  I was with four other people, one whom I'd never met, and all older than me, as per the usual.  We took turns being "in the spotlight" so to say, and when my turn came I didn't really move into the center as the others had.  The tallest guy, and the one who I knew the least (aside from the one I'd just met), said something to the effect of not having to be afraid. 

I wanted to turn and say, "It's not that I'm afraid.  I just don't know who I am here."  I said nothing, however, as I was pretty close to tears at that point from thinking all of this out and having no answers.  The funniest things happen, though, when they're least expected.  That's exactly what he prayed for me.  That I would have answers.

He mentioned this blog and how I have no difficulty asking hard questions and figuring things out, and asked for a blessing on me in wisdom - so that I would have answers when people came to me with questions, and when my own questions reared up as well.

God's amazing like that, you know.  I said nothing out loud, but that man prayed a direct answer to my thoughts of the last hour. 

And you know, I've been thinking a lot about what he said.  The others' prayers for me were very nice and encouraging as well, and I won't forget them, but what he said struck home. 

In person, I'm a silly girl who jumps thoughts every three seconds and has to keep moving in order to focus on anything 90% of the time.  I laugh about the smallest things, including my own jokes, and I love to quote poetry and novels.

On Facebook, on this blog, in text.. anything where I remain nothing but a name, I turn into this other person who is capable of carrying on long conversations about things that actually matter, and even sounding intelligent once in a while.  It's like those newspaper advice columns... I can be that person who can answer a question and give decent advice, but it's so much easier on the computer because the other person can't see how many times I click on other links, or take a few minutes to play cards, or generally get distracted at all.  I can focus on the conversation inbetween everything else, but the other person doesn't know any better.  In person, it's so different, because thoughts just jump out that don't connect and I'm always looking everywhere and I'm sure people just give up, because I look like I'm not paying attention. 

I feel like two people.

All this goes to say that I want to change.  I want to mellow out my distinct personalities and mold them together to create a more even person.  I want to be able to pull out a quieter, less distracting Ashleigh so I don't feel like I have to be that crazy retard when I'm around other people because I don't know what else to do.

I want to get past the feeling that I'm inadequate when it comes to being friends with other, older young adults. 

I want to them to know this part of me, too; that I am more than just that random, that I can be someone they can actually have a conversation with.

I want to be friends, on a deeper level than I am now.  More than just a "Hey, how are you, how's the weather?" aquaintance. 

I want to fight for what I dream of.

And the only way I know how to do that is to push the limits.  My limits.  To just ask if I can join the game. 

Bravery isn't doing what the heroes do.  It's doing what you think you can't.

Only to discover that you're much more than capable.

There is nothing stopping me except myself.

What do you dream of?  What's stopping you?  The first step is just to identify it.  When you want to clean that storage closet, but you freeze every time you open the door.  Realize that you feel overwhelmed. 

Second step is strategy.  Don't take on the entire war.  One battle at a time.  Just do one shelf.  Ignore the rest until you're finished that one shelf.  Then congratulate yourself on the progress.

Third step?

Fight for the rest, and don't finish until you're where you want to be.

I'll be asking for a coffee date tomorrow.

Massage. It Makes You Feel Better.

So it's been nearly ten days since my last post, and I'm sorry for that, but here's to the second idea of three: stress reduction.

I don't mean the fact that we humans as a whole have a lot of stress in our lives.  I think that's pretty obvious.  I also think it quite rational that we should do our utmost to reduce the amount of stress we're exposed to in our daily routines.  I'm sure you'd agree...  there are hundreds of studies related to stress and its cumulative effect on disease and other such nasty things.

But, no.  This post is more about ways of effectively dealing with stress, because I've had to learn a lot about it in the last little while.

We have a new dishwasher at work (person, not machine), and he's a little slow.  But hey, he's learning.  However, in the meantime, I walk into huge messes in the morning that normally wouldn't be there.  One day there were stacks of dishes on the counter that were level with my head.

Overwhelmed is too small a word.  I wanted to sit down and cry.  But you can't do that.

So I shoved my head down, threw some music on, and ploughed ahead.  The pile went down.  So did my stress level.

Basically, I've come to the conclusion that stress reduction is vital to one's sanity.  Sometimes important tasks are sacrificed or postponed in favor of wasting time.  But I think that wasting time relaxing your mind and body is productive.. now there's an oxymoron.

I've just been thinking about this because of work, and my family's crazy schedule, and some conversations I've been having with a few friends.  Comparing strategies to reduce stress and finding what works for other people is super interesting to me.

It goes everywhere, from music to sports to food.  Sitting on front of our wood stove for 15 minutes before bed every night is probably my favorite.  But I've found something else that really, really works.  For me.

You know those chronic 'listers'?  People who write EVERYTHING down, who are seemingly so organized and together?  Well, I'm sort of turning into one of those.

One of our teachers at Bible School put shape to an idea that I was already familiar with but never realized it.  He explained the purpose of journaling... or at least, explained it better.

The concept is not so much about just expressing your feelings through writing.  It's about communicating, with yourself just as much as with others should you so choose.

It's about goals and memories, anger and happiness.

But the revolutionary idea is that when you write something down, you leave it behind.  List writers write lists so that they don't have to remember.  Journaling is very similar.

Because when you write something down, you can leave it on the paper.  Walk away from it.  Doesn't mean that the emotion or problem or whatever it may be has disappeared - but what is does mean is that you don't have to carry it around any longer.

That is essentially what this blog is.  A journal where I write thoughts, albeit in a very public format.  But you know, that's okay.  I made the decision for this to be public because I want people to understand who I am and how I think.  What I believe and why.  Maybe challenge their opinions and views.  Maybe challenge mine.

Before I post things, I think about them for weeks on end - but I find that when I post them and discuss my thoughts with myself, when I click the "Publish Post" button and consider it done, the stress and worry that these thoughts bring upon me - just from constantly thinking and analyzing - are greatly diminished, if not gone altogether.

So far, that's the best stress reducing technique I've ever seen or had the pleasure to take advantage of.  So I thought I would share what works for me, because maybe it'll work for you.  Take your worries and problems and write them down, and then make a concious decision to walk away and stop thinking about them.  Especially overnight... because they're safe, waiting for you on a piece of paper that you can go back to later, when you're ready to deal with them.  But for now, you've dropped ten pounds from your shoulders - doesn't it feel good?

Don't Walk Away Without Leaving.

My brain is a really jumbled mish-mash of thoughts that I'll attempt to organize for your benefit, but please walk away now if you're impatient.  :)

Anyways, the last couple of weeks I've been thinking alot about three things: stress reduction, commitment (in relationships), and renewed interest in life. 

They are seperate ideas that tangle together into a huge messy knot.  I'll tackle them one at a time though, or at least try.

To start, a couple I know recently became pregnant out of wedlock.  As both a Christian and someone who has witnessed firsthand many negative effects of that very situation, I find it hard to accept, let alone congratulate them.  But they are adults, and they're happy, and simply put, I can't step into a situation like that and point fingers whilst screaming, "you're WRONG, and now this baby's going to grow up in an unstable home and probably seperated parents and blah blah blah."

That might not happen.  Statistically, it's likely.  And that's what hurts me.  When I was told, all I could think for the next hour was, "You weren't strong enough to say no."  But there's nothing I can do about it except hope for the best, and hope for the baby's sake that they'll be strong enough to stay together.

It really gets under my skin, thinking about the status of today's relationship belief system.

How fragile the idea of commitment is, and how easily society smashes it into fragments at its pleasure.  Why we undervalue it so much.  Like that song, Irreplaceable, by Beyonce:

You must not know 'bout me
You must not know 'bout me
I could have another you in a minute
Matter fact he'll be here in a minute, baby
You must not know 'bout me
You must not know 'bout me
I can have another you by tomorrow
So don't you ever for a second get to thinking you're irreplaceable

That's society's opinion of relationships.  That they're commodities.  If you find your model defective at any point, return it and get a replacement within two weeks.

Even at work this last Friday, I was having trouble doing something and I said out loud, "I need a guy," (because they're stronger) and one of the older ladies looked at me and said, "Don't EVER say that; you don't need a guy at all.  Ever."

Except, man and woman were created to be together:

For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.
Genesis 2:24, NIV

I believe that I'm strong enough to live life on my own. But I also believe that I was created to be with a man, and that God's got one picked out for me.  So yes, I do need one.  Because there is a specific man on this planet that can and will give me one day something that no other person could.  Why would God design such a thing as marriage if the opposite were true?

That same lady, one other guy, and I were discussing whether most major conflicts in history were related to religion, and I told her I'd have to do a little research to offer a solid opinion on that.. but if she wanted my opinion on relationships and men, to rent the movie Fireproof and go home and watch it with her husband.

Hopefully, that will help her to understand that we may not 'need' a spouse/significant other like we need a house or clothes, but that they do fill a place in our lives that was meant for none other.  And that each relationship, whether it be your husband/wife, other relative, friend, or even stranger deserves respect, hard work, and commitment for the time you are involved in that other person's life - be it five minutes or fifty years.

This has just really been in my heart and head for the last little while, as I continue to come into that age where I will within a few years mostly likely have entered a relationship of my own, with a goal of marriage.  I think about the various examples I've seen, both good and bad, and the one I want to set for my generation, and the generations afterward.  Because relationships aren't contracts.  They're promises.  Eternal ones.  Like the wedding vows say, "for better or for worse, as long as we both shall live."

 They ought to be treated as such.

30.Day.Challenge vs. Life.Time.Challenges

On Facebook, there is a new trend. Many folks are familiar with the 'quiz' notes, where you copy and paste a large question and answer sheet of sorts, and replace the answers with your own. The new thing is similar, but instead of notes, there is a "30 Day Challenge" where you post photos for specific categories. For example, Day 1 is "a picture of yourself with 15 facts about you." Others include something you love, something you hate, someone you've been friends with the longest, etc.

Day 18, for the one I did, requires you to post a photo of 'your biggest insecurity." The person I copied the challenge from had a picture of a lady measuring her waistline, and I'm sure many would think and choose a picture along similiar lines. Unfortunately, I'm not one of those.

The photo I posted was of a big sign that says, "LIAR." With each photo, I wrote a small description explaining it. I'll repost that day's here:

This is a little complicated and will sound weird, but I'm always worrying about and fearing that when people tell me I'm talented, or beautiful, or honest, or anything like that, that although they may mean it somehow they're deceived and that I'm not the person they think I am. That they don't actually know what they're saying or who they're saying it to/about, that I'm just your average person with nothing to set me apart from the populace and make me special and worth remembering.
My biggest fear and insecurity lies in exactly that - lies.  I am so afraid that people are wrong and misguided when they compliment me that I don't allow myself to believe any of it.  I worry that they don't know the real me - someone who is just a regular person with nothing to shine about - and that they think I'm better than I really am.

But.

Somewhere, deep inside a tiny cupboard in my heart, there is a voice that whispers to my head, "You are worthy of that compliment.  They're right.  You ARE good at this.  You ARE worth it.  You ARE the person she thinks you are, that he knows you to be."

If it wasn't for that little voice bolstering my confidence and telling me that I can push past these LIES that I'm being fed, I have no idea where I'd be today.  But it's there, and I know that even though I struggle with accepting praise and believing in myself every day, the Good Lord is there in that cupboard with me and together, we'll kick the devil's head in, and maybe some day, his voice will go too.

Until that day comes, I've developed a little battle strategy.  I keep things.  Save comments.  There's a whole legion of texts on my phone that I won't delete.  Birthday cards, graduation cards, yearbooks, letters.  Anything that makes me laugh or feel good about who I am gets added to this.. idea.

I call it.. well, I guess it doesn't really have a name.  But it saves me on days when I feel like there's nothing in me left to be proud of.  It's my little list of pick me ups..  all over my wall, my Facebook, my phone, my room, my life.  I'll give you a small example here (some may recognize comments from themselves, etc, but for privacy's sake, no names will be mentioned.)

"The thing is babe, I am so proud of you, so very proud.  You go to these places and touch people's lives and help them in a way I don't think I ever could and even though I know you get blessed back, I know that you are an amazing young lady touching lives all over the world and blessing those people.  I look at all the lives here in Kelowna that you have touched and how many people love you and have been blessed by your friendship and hugs and I know that the little corner in Africa that you are going to will never be the same after you have been there."

"Seeing and watching you grow over the last year has been amazing.  I am proud to call you a friend and to have you in my life.  You put a smile on my face every time I see you.  Your joy and happiness are overflowing.  Keep it that way!"

"I want to say that you've been a great friend all through school and you're not only extremely thoughtful but you're also extremely brave.  You've never been afraid to pray in class, to stand in front of worship, or to speak your mind.  I admire that about you, and I hope you don't lose those characteristics.  You're also very smart and intelligent.  ... Anyway I just want to say that ever since I've been at HCS you've always been extremely friendly.  You're easy to talk to and I'm glad I've gotten to know you."

"Don't ever forget about our Morning Star retreats, ok? We hung out in the dark, attempting to scare people.  I hung on to your arm for support, because I knew that you would never leave my side.  Thanks Ash for being there.."

"Oh my!  You are quite the artist!"

"Good night, beautiful."

"You know, I really want to tell you that you're depriving a really lucky guy of a wonderful girlfriend, but I admire your high standards."

"That's called being hypercritical.  People are friends with you because you're funny and pretty and caring and always know just what to say when someone is feeling down."

"Dangit, where are you?  I need someone pretty and single to dance with."

"I still like you, Ash.  Nothing can't stop that."

"No, thank you Ash.  You're a great friend."

"It didn't surprise me you said you are a writer. You are very intelligent. and pure souled.. be proud of that."

"I love you because you're kind and caring and you remember me when sometimes even my best friends don't."

There's a lot more, but some wouldn't even make sense to anyone but me.  However, that's a goodly percentage of my little list.  This is what I look at when I feel like I'm not worth it.  God didn't bless me with people in my life to encourage me, just so that I could ignore them. 

I would suggest that you do the same as me, even if you don't struggle with the same things I do.  Everyone has a down day once in a while.  Even if you're happy, it's good to know why you're loved.

And when you're feeling full of love and acceptance, it's easy to reciprocate it to others..

Maybe you can go make someone else's 'feel good list' a little longer today, yourself.

And He Will Guide Me

Destiny seems like such a... sort of fairy tale word to me, or something out of mainstream India, where karma is huge.  I wouldn't say I believe your life choices are set before you're even born.. but what about foreordination?



One means ". The inevitable or necessary fate to which a particular person or thing is destined; one's lot," and the other, "To determine or appoint beforehand; predestine."  Can you guess which is which?



There is hardly any difference, it's true - but that's what makes ALL the difference.  Destiny is inevitable.  Meaning that there is no possible way you could get out of it.  However, something foreordained is only appointed - you can break appointments. 



They both could lead to the same destination - but one word gives you the ability to opt out, while the other does not.



I've been contemplating the idea and meaning of destiny and other like-minded words.  The Bible clearly states that God has a plan for each person (Jeremiah 29:11), and it may likewise be inferred that if He has a plan for each person, He has a plan for the world.  However, it also teaches that we can and should choose what we are going to do (Deut. 30:19).



That, at first, would seem contradictory.  However, when I was in Bible school, one of the teachers presented an idea that made much sense.  He said that God does, indeed, have a plan, and that we each are part of it.  However, the free choice part comes in this way.  Let's say God has Plan 2449B, and you are the one He chose to complete it.  You're person A.  Now, free choice - you can either go with it, or choose not to.  If you choose not to, God's plan will still get completed - He'll just have to use someone else, who maybe isn't quite so fit for the position as you would've been.  But it gets done.



Another guest speaker shared a dream that she'd had as a young lady with us.  In it, she dreamt that she was in a room full of babies yet to be born, yea, even yet to have their families 'assigned' (for lack of a better word).  He would go to each one, and tell it about the life He wanted to place it into:  "This family has drug and alcohol abuse, but I want to place you here because there will be younger children who will look up to you and I know you will be strong enough."  "This family travels a lot, but you will get to meet tons of people and share your experiences all over the world with others."



Every family had its own good and bad, ups and downs.  God took each prospective child and told them exactly what kind of a life he or she would have.  He would then say, "I think you are the best person for this family, and you will be exactly what they need.  Are you willing?"



I have my own little story, too.



Three years ago, my sister's best friend transferred to another school.  My sister was very lonely without her, so the year after, she transferred as well.  They both joined cheerleading, and through the team met some really awesome people and made a lot of new friends. 



Enter me.  I wasn't too involved in their cheer or school until the end of last year, but over the summer and throughout this year, I've gotten to know a lot of their friends, been to competitions, and attended nearly every practice.



It has come about that several of the kids on the team have needed an older sister/friend/confidante/whatever you want to call it, and that has become me.  Two boys in particular have come to me with many of their problems and frustrations, and I'm building a stronger relationship with a few girls as well.  Our mother has become a much of a second parent to many of them as well.



My thought this past week has been this:  were Alexis and Kelsey foreordained to change schools, so that they would eventually join the cheer team, and we would meet these kids that chose us when they didn't have anyone else at those times? 



We still have a choice.  I could choose, even now, to stop talking to those boys and to quit attending practices.  I could choose to tell them to get lost and find someone else to listen. 



But, if God put them in my path and I can help them...
If He thinks I'm the best person, in that situation, that can reach them and be what they need..



Are you willing?



I am.  If I'm the one they're gonna trust, I want to take pride in the fact that God thinks I'm good enough - no, that I am the best option out of the 6 billion people in this world.  I want to make sure I'm prepared, with solid information and advice, so that their lives will improve when they learn how to communicate and problem solve with help from my example.



Are you?  You don't have to believe that you were created for a purpose, or placed in a specific situation at a specific time, if you don't want to.  It won't change anything. 



But.  If you DO choose to believe.  If you choose to believe that you, more than any other person on the planet, were placed in the situation you're in because God knew you could change it - doesn't that make you invaluable? 



Sometimes all it takes is a reversal of perspective.. instead of being the bearer of people's problems, you're now part of the solution. 



Are you willing?

Trust (Un)Worthy

My brother introduced me to a band called Rise Against.  They have a song entitled, "From Heads Unworthy".  It's got quite a bit in the way of good lyrics (recommended listening if you don't mind rock), but it's the chorus in particular that gets me. 

As your castles crumble slowly

We watch them fall

The crown slips from heads unworthy

As we gain control.

I'm currently reading a book on the six wives of Henry VIII, so you can imagine that the immediate connection is made.  To me, the obvious question presents itself:
What makes a head unworthy - then, or now?

For it wasn't only in the past that 'crowns' were gained or lost by reasons of virtue or goodwill.  We might not have literal crowns today (for the most part), but the idea they represent is still very real.

Crowns represent authority, but they also represent a faith of sorts.  I don't mean religious faith, but rather more of a belief in the person who wears it; they will treat you fairly, take your interests and concerns to heart, deal with problems that arise, that sort of thing.  That they'll be worthy of the trust you've placed in them by allowing them the 'crown'.

I've been thinking a lot about trust these last few weeks.  What exactly is it?  How do you define trust?  I think the explanation of a crown that I just gave is satisfactory enough... if you're just trying to arrive at a very basic idea.  However, trust is not just a nice idea.  Not just an emotion.  To me, it's a tangible thing.  Something that is given, taken, felt, and used.  It has weight.  A lot of it.

What does it take to make a person trustworthy?  To me, it's all about that confidentiality agreement.  You know, the one you sign when you open a bank account, go to a lawyer or a doctor.. yeah, them.  There are, or should be, in my opinion, confidentiality agreements between friends. 

You see, you trust a lawyer or a doctor because you have to, because they know a lot about something that you don't and therefore cannot handle adequately.  You might not like the guy, but you have to trust his opinion as a trained professional (theoretically, I know there's such things as second opinions!).  You trust a friend because you want to.

But there are levels and limits.  I do not tell everyone everything.  The friend I met over the Internet, but never actually met, does not need to know my personal address <- common example.  My coworkers don't need to know if my parents and I just had a fight (no, we didn't). 

There are some people I've known for years and years that I would not tell things to, because I know they like to talk and I might not trust them to keep my confidences - or maybe they might, but somehow, friends find out and the fire is lit.  I'm sure you've seen it happen.  There are others I've known for less than a year that I would easily spill my guts to, because they've proven themselves able to discriminate between what should and shouldn't be repeated.

People have said that I'm trustworthy... but I'm still trying to figure out what classifies me as such.  What makes a 16 year old girl come to ask my advice in regards to telling her father she's found a boy she'd like to date?  An 18 year old boy come to me first when he's hung over and needs someone just to be there?  A 21 year old man ask my opinion on why his friend may not want him to make friends with a certain girl - a 40 year old mother request parenting advice on her teen who's pushing boundaries - a woman in her fifties, over YouTube, ask for my take on how to deal with her daughter's emotions after a difficult divorce? 

All those examples are true.  I don't have experience in relationships, so I can't account for a few of those.  I've never parented teens - only taken care of children.  I have been through divorce, but I was only four..

Why do they ask me?

I suppose it's because I've learned to listen.  I've learned to watch, to not make mistakes others have exemplified for me.  To follow the advice of people I respect.  That the best option is never revenge, but compromise.  That the more respect you give, the more you will get.

However, most important to me, and I think to others as well, is that I know how to keep a secret. 

I think that's what more people in this world need than anything else - someone just to listen, to comment when asked, but not to repeat.  To not judge, to understand, to sympathize, to just lend their shoulder if that's all that's needed... to be the friend we all wish we had, but often don't.

And you know something? The more I try to be that person for others, they are those people for me.  That 18 year old is one of my best friends, and he often allows me just to sit - no questions, but recognizing that I just need someone there, to sit in silence and let me think it out.  The 21 year old is the person I go to when I need to talk, when I'm frusterated, when I have questions floating about in my head.

That YouTube woman?  I haven't talked to her in years.  I think we only talked about two weeks, actually.  But she called me her "little counselor."  I took it to heart - I know I'm not the most knowledgable person on this planet, but I do have something.  I share what I know when I can.

What about you?  Are you anyone's "little counselor"?  COULD you be?  Are you trustworthy enough to allow other people to have faith that the crown will not slip from your head?

People will place that crown of trust on your head sooner or later... don't fail them.