[This is not part 3 of that little mini-series of thoughts. Sorry. However, if you were expecting that, worry not.. It's still on my heart and I'll get to it soon.]
This weekend was our church's Young Adults retreat. We went to Elkhart Lodge (http://elkhart.webs.com/). It was fun, and I had a good time, but in the same clause I was uncomfortable. Not from the cold (it was freezing haha), or anything like that. Just being around these people.
And it's been like that for a long time. It's not because I don't like them. And until this weekend, I wasn't even exactly sure why. But whenever I would go to the Young Adults services, or even to church, I'd get that feeling. I stopped going to the services, and at church I sat with younger friends who were still in highschool, instead of the older ones in YA.
Anyways, at the retreat we had a little worship/prayer session as a group, that feeling came again as I was around all these young adults. But this time, I realized what it was, and the thought just came:
I don't know where I belong here.
It's not that I don't feel like I DON'T belong. I feel accepted and on equal terms with everyone. I just don't know where I fit in. Part of it has to do with age. I'm one of the youngest people there. Nearly everyone, excepting about maybe 10 people (out of maybe 50 or 60) is at least three years older, if not more. But there are still a few younger than me, that have found places in the band, and other things. So there goes that reason.
It's hard to explain, but even though I'm 20 I still feel like a child there; as if, because of my at times boundless energy and ADD speech patterns, they still view me as this reckless, crazy teenager that still has to grow up. And in a way, I can't blame them. It's like as soon as I enter the room, I'm just happy to be around all these people I admire and would love to be friends with (or, better friends anyway) and I just get excited. And when I get excited I do blubber around and bounce and act like a fool more often than not. But I also feel like that's the only me that they know, so that's the person I have to be around them. Like they'll never figure out that there's a serious side too, that knows I'm ridiculous but I just don't know how to interact with them any other way because this is all they've ever seen.
And that's blocking me from having a deeper relationship with these people. Some of them I've known since I was in elementary and they were in middle and high school. I mean, it really should be a non-issue. But it is, and I know it is because it happens all the time. That session wasn't the only time it happened at the retreat.. Saturday there were two girls playing a game, and I wanted to play, but I was too afraid to ask; by the time I worked up the courage to see if maybe I could join in the next round, they were cleaning it up. I lost my chance to engage and strengthen a relationship because I don't trust myself to interact with them and not be an idiot because that's the only thing I know how to do.
At that same session, when we were done worshiping we got into small groups to pray with each other. I was with four other people, one whom I'd never met, and all older than me, as per the usual. We took turns being "in the spotlight" so to say, and when my turn came I didn't really move into the center as the others had. The tallest guy, and the one who I knew the least (aside from the one I'd just met), said something to the effect of not having to be afraid.
I wanted to turn and say, "It's not that I'm afraid. I just don't know who I am here." I said nothing, however, as I was pretty close to tears at that point from thinking all of this out and having no answers. The funniest things happen, though, when they're least expected. That's exactly what he prayed for me. That I would have answers.
He mentioned this blog and how I have no difficulty asking hard questions and figuring things out, and asked for a blessing on me in wisdom - so that I would have answers when people came to me with questions, and when my own questions reared up as well.
God's amazing like that, you know. I said nothing out loud, but that man prayed a direct answer to my thoughts of the last hour.
And you know, I've been thinking a lot about what he said. The others' prayers for me were very nice and encouraging as well, and I won't forget them, but what he said struck home.
In person, I'm a silly girl who jumps thoughts every three seconds and has to keep moving in order to focus on anything 90% of the time. I laugh about the smallest things, including my own jokes, and I love to quote poetry and novels.
On Facebook, on this blog, in text.. anything where I remain nothing but a name, I turn into this other person who is capable of carrying on long conversations about things that actually matter, and even sounding intelligent once in a while. It's like those newspaper advice columns... I can be that person who can answer a question and give decent advice, but it's so much easier on the computer because the other person can't see how many times I click on other links, or take a few minutes to play cards, or generally get distracted at all. I can focus on the conversation inbetween everything else, but the other person doesn't know any better. In person, it's so different, because thoughts just jump out that don't connect and I'm always looking everywhere and I'm sure people just give up, because I look like I'm not paying attention.
I feel like two people.
All this goes to say that I want to change. I want to mellow out my distinct personalities and mold them together to create a more even person. I want to be able to pull out a quieter, less distracting Ashleigh so I don't feel like I have to be that crazy retard when I'm around other people because I don't know what else to do.
I want to get past the feeling that I'm inadequate when it comes to being friends with other, older young adults.
I want to them to know this part of me, too; that I am more than just that random, that I can be someone they can actually have a conversation with.
I want to be friends, on a deeper level than I am now. More than just a "Hey, how are you, how's the weather?" aquaintance.
I want to fight for what I dream of.
And the only way I know how to do that is to push the limits. My limits. To just ask if I can join the game.
Bravery isn't doing what the heroes do. It's doing what you think you can't.
Only to discover that you're much more than capable.
There is nothing stopping me except myself.
What do you dream of? What's stopping you? The first step is just to identify it. When you want to clean that storage closet, but you freeze every time you open the door. Realize that you feel overwhelmed.
Second step is strategy. Don't take on the entire war. One battle at a time. Just do one shelf. Ignore the rest until you're finished that one shelf. Then congratulate yourself on the progress.
Third step?
Fight for the rest, and don't finish until you're where you want to be.
I'll be asking for a coffee date tomorrow.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Massage. It Makes You Feel Better.
So it's been nearly ten days since my last post, and I'm sorry for that, but here's to the second idea of three: stress reduction.
I don't mean the fact that we humans as a whole have a lot of stress in our lives. I think that's pretty obvious. I also think it quite rational that we should do our utmost to reduce the amount of stress we're exposed to in our daily routines. I'm sure you'd agree... there are hundreds of studies related to stress and its cumulative effect on disease and other such nasty things.
But, no. This post is more about ways of effectively dealing with stress, because I've had to learn a lot about it in the last little while.
We have a new dishwasher at work (person, not machine), and he's a little slow. But hey, he's learning. However, in the meantime, I walk into huge messes in the morning that normally wouldn't be there. One day there were stacks of dishes on the counter that were level with my head.
Overwhelmed is too small a word. I wanted to sit down and cry. But you can't do that.
So I shoved my head down, threw some music on, and ploughed ahead. The pile went down. So did my stress level.
Basically, I've come to the conclusion that stress reduction is vital to one's sanity. Sometimes important tasks are sacrificed or postponed in favor of wasting time. But I think that wasting time relaxing your mind and body is productive.. now there's an oxymoron.
I've just been thinking about this because of work, and my family's crazy schedule, and some conversations I've been having with a few friends. Comparing strategies to reduce stress and finding what works for other people is super interesting to me.
It goes everywhere, from music to sports to food. Sitting on front of our wood stove for 15 minutes before bed every night is probably my favorite. But I've found something else that really, really works. For me.
You know those chronic 'listers'? People who write EVERYTHING down, who are seemingly so organized and together? Well, I'm sort of turning into one of those.
One of our teachers at Bible School put shape to an idea that I was already familiar with but never realized it. He explained the purpose of journaling... or at least, explained it better.
The concept is not so much about just expressing your feelings through writing. It's about communicating, with yourself just as much as with others should you so choose.
It's about goals and memories, anger and happiness.
But the revolutionary idea is that when you write something down, you leave it behind. List writers write lists so that they don't have to remember. Journaling is very similar.
Because when you write something down, you can leave it on the paper. Walk away from it. Doesn't mean that the emotion or problem or whatever it may be has disappeared - but what is does mean is that you don't have to carry it around any longer.
That is essentially what this blog is. A journal where I write thoughts, albeit in a very public format. But you know, that's okay. I made the decision for this to be public because I want people to understand who I am and how I think. What I believe and why. Maybe challenge their opinions and views. Maybe challenge mine.
Before I post things, I think about them for weeks on end - but I find that when I post them and discuss my thoughts with myself, when I click the "Publish Post" button and consider it done, the stress and worry that these thoughts bring upon me - just from constantly thinking and analyzing - are greatly diminished, if not gone altogether.
So far, that's the best stress reducing technique I've ever seen or had the pleasure to take advantage of. So I thought I would share what works for me, because maybe it'll work for you. Take your worries and problems and write them down, and then make a concious decision to walk away and stop thinking about them. Especially overnight... because they're safe, waiting for you on a piece of paper that you can go back to later, when you're ready to deal with them. But for now, you've dropped ten pounds from your shoulders - doesn't it feel good?
I don't mean the fact that we humans as a whole have a lot of stress in our lives. I think that's pretty obvious. I also think it quite rational that we should do our utmost to reduce the amount of stress we're exposed to in our daily routines. I'm sure you'd agree... there are hundreds of studies related to stress and its cumulative effect on disease and other such nasty things.
But, no. This post is more about ways of effectively dealing with stress, because I've had to learn a lot about it in the last little while.
We have a new dishwasher at work (person, not machine), and he's a little slow. But hey, he's learning. However, in the meantime, I walk into huge messes in the morning that normally wouldn't be there. One day there were stacks of dishes on the counter that were level with my head.
Overwhelmed is too small a word. I wanted to sit down and cry. But you can't do that.
So I shoved my head down, threw some music on, and ploughed ahead. The pile went down. So did my stress level.
Basically, I've come to the conclusion that stress reduction is vital to one's sanity. Sometimes important tasks are sacrificed or postponed in favor of wasting time. But I think that wasting time relaxing your mind and body is productive.. now there's an oxymoron.
I've just been thinking about this because of work, and my family's crazy schedule, and some conversations I've been having with a few friends. Comparing strategies to reduce stress and finding what works for other people is super interesting to me.
It goes everywhere, from music to sports to food. Sitting on front of our wood stove for 15 minutes before bed every night is probably my favorite. But I've found something else that really, really works. For me.
You know those chronic 'listers'? People who write EVERYTHING down, who are seemingly so organized and together? Well, I'm sort of turning into one of those.
One of our teachers at Bible School put shape to an idea that I was already familiar with but never realized it. He explained the purpose of journaling... or at least, explained it better.
The concept is not so much about just expressing your feelings through writing. It's about communicating, with yourself just as much as with others should you so choose.
It's about goals and memories, anger and happiness.
But the revolutionary idea is that when you write something down, you leave it behind. List writers write lists so that they don't have to remember. Journaling is very similar.
Because when you write something down, you can leave it on the paper. Walk away from it. Doesn't mean that the emotion or problem or whatever it may be has disappeared - but what is does mean is that you don't have to carry it around any longer.
That is essentially what this blog is. A journal where I write thoughts, albeit in a very public format. But you know, that's okay. I made the decision for this to be public because I want people to understand who I am and how I think. What I believe and why. Maybe challenge their opinions and views. Maybe challenge mine.
Before I post things, I think about them for weeks on end - but I find that when I post them and discuss my thoughts with myself, when I click the "Publish Post" button and consider it done, the stress and worry that these thoughts bring upon me - just from constantly thinking and analyzing - are greatly diminished, if not gone altogether.
So far, that's the best stress reducing technique I've ever seen or had the pleasure to take advantage of. So I thought I would share what works for me, because maybe it'll work for you. Take your worries and problems and write them down, and then make a concious decision to walk away and stop thinking about them. Especially overnight... because they're safe, waiting for you on a piece of paper that you can go back to later, when you're ready to deal with them. But for now, you've dropped ten pounds from your shoulders - doesn't it feel good?
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Don't Walk Away Without Leaving.
My brain is a really jumbled mish-mash of thoughts that I'll attempt to organize for your benefit, but please walk away now if you're impatient. :)
Anyways, the last couple of weeks I've been thinking alot about three things: stress reduction, commitment (in relationships), and renewed interest in life.
They are seperate ideas that tangle together into a huge messy knot. I'll tackle them one at a time though, or at least try.
To start, a couple I know recently became pregnant out of wedlock. As both a Christian and someone who has witnessed firsthand many negative effects of that very situation, I find it hard to accept, let alone congratulate them. But they are adults, and they're happy, and simply put, I can't step into a situation like that and point fingers whilst screaming, "you're WRONG, and now this baby's going to grow up in an unstable home and probably seperated parents and blah blah blah."
That might not happen. Statistically, it's likely. And that's what hurts me. When I was told, all I could think for the next hour was, "You weren't strong enough to say no." But there's nothing I can do about it except hope for the best, and hope for the baby's sake that they'll be strong enough to stay together.
It really gets under my skin, thinking about the status of today's relationship belief system.
How fragile the idea of commitment is, and how easily society smashes it into fragments at its pleasure. Why we undervalue it so much. Like that song, Irreplaceable, by Beyonce:
You must not know 'bout me
You must not know 'bout me
I could have another you in a minute
Matter fact he'll be here in a minute, baby
You must not know 'bout me
You must not know 'bout me
I can have another you by tomorrow
So don't you ever for a second get to thinking you're irreplaceable
That's society's opinion of relationships. That they're commodities. If you find your model defective at any point, return it and get a replacement within two weeks.
Even at work this last Friday, I was having trouble doing something and I said out loud, "I need a guy," (because they're stronger) and one of the older ladies looked at me and said, "Don't EVER say that; you don't need a guy at all. Ever."
Except, man and woman were created to be together:
For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.
Genesis 2:24, NIV
I believe that I'm strong enough to live life on my own. But I also believe that I was created to be with a man, and that God's got one picked out for me. So yes, I do need one. Because there is a specific man on this planet that can and will give me one day something that no other person could. Why would God design such a thing as marriage if the opposite were true?
That same lady, one other guy, and I were discussing whether most major conflicts in history were related to religion, and I told her I'd have to do a little research to offer a solid opinion on that.. but if she wanted my opinion on relationships and men, to rent the movie Fireproof and go home and watch it with her husband.
Hopefully, that will help her to understand that we may not 'need' a spouse/significant other like we need a house or clothes, but that they do fill a place in our lives that was meant for none other. And that each relationship, whether it be your husband/wife, other relative, friend, or even stranger deserves respect, hard work, and commitment for the time you are involved in that other person's life - be it five minutes or fifty years.
This has just really been in my heart and head for the last little while, as I continue to come into that age where I will within a few years mostly likely have entered a relationship of my own, with a goal of marriage. I think about the various examples I've seen, both good and bad, and the one I want to set for my generation, and the generations afterward. Because relationships aren't contracts. They're promises. Eternal ones. Like the wedding vows say, "for better or for worse, as long as we both shall live."
They ought to be treated as such.
Anyways, the last couple of weeks I've been thinking alot about three things: stress reduction, commitment (in relationships), and renewed interest in life.
They are seperate ideas that tangle together into a huge messy knot. I'll tackle them one at a time though, or at least try.
To start, a couple I know recently became pregnant out of wedlock. As both a Christian and someone who has witnessed firsthand many negative effects of that very situation, I find it hard to accept, let alone congratulate them. But they are adults, and they're happy, and simply put, I can't step into a situation like that and point fingers whilst screaming, "you're WRONG, and now this baby's going to grow up in an unstable home and probably seperated parents and blah blah blah."
That might not happen. Statistically, it's likely. And that's what hurts me. When I was told, all I could think for the next hour was, "You weren't strong enough to say no." But there's nothing I can do about it except hope for the best, and hope for the baby's sake that they'll be strong enough to stay together.
It really gets under my skin, thinking about the status of today's relationship belief system.
How fragile the idea of commitment is, and how easily society smashes it into fragments at its pleasure. Why we undervalue it so much. Like that song, Irreplaceable, by Beyonce:
You must not know 'bout me
You must not know 'bout me
I could have another you in a minute
Matter fact he'll be here in a minute, baby
You must not know 'bout me
You must not know 'bout me
I can have another you by tomorrow
So don't you ever for a second get to thinking you're irreplaceable
That's society's opinion of relationships. That they're commodities. If you find your model defective at any point, return it and get a replacement within two weeks.
Even at work this last Friday, I was having trouble doing something and I said out loud, "I need a guy," (because they're stronger) and one of the older ladies looked at me and said, "Don't EVER say that; you don't need a guy at all. Ever."
Except, man and woman were created to be together:
For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.
Genesis 2:24, NIV
I believe that I'm strong enough to live life on my own. But I also believe that I was created to be with a man, and that God's got one picked out for me. So yes, I do need one. Because there is a specific man on this planet that can and will give me one day something that no other person could. Why would God design such a thing as marriage if the opposite were true?
That same lady, one other guy, and I were discussing whether most major conflicts in history were related to religion, and I told her I'd have to do a little research to offer a solid opinion on that.. but if she wanted my opinion on relationships and men, to rent the movie Fireproof and go home and watch it with her husband.
Hopefully, that will help her to understand that we may not 'need' a spouse/significant other like we need a house or clothes, but that they do fill a place in our lives that was meant for none other. And that each relationship, whether it be your husband/wife, other relative, friend, or even stranger deserves respect, hard work, and commitment for the time you are involved in that other person's life - be it five minutes or fifty years.
This has just really been in my heart and head for the last little while, as I continue to come into that age where I will within a few years mostly likely have entered a relationship of my own, with a goal of marriage. I think about the various examples I've seen, both good and bad, and the one I want to set for my generation, and the generations afterward. Because relationships aren't contracts. They're promises. Eternal ones. Like the wedding vows say, "for better or for worse, as long as we both shall live."
They ought to be treated as such.
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