Is a word. A word that very adequately describes my feelings about the world and its general population at present. I am so fed up with so much of our nice North American daily life, our 'highly idealistic' (to much of the world, anyway), boring, introverted, just take the money and run lifestyle.
It's not that I feel I'm superior, or even that I really dislike what we have. It's amazing that we are so blessed as to even be able to THINK the way we do, where Starbucks has become the cornerstone to millions of people's days, but sometimes I wish we were different.
I think that our great wealth and influence has poisoned us a population. After all, we're 'tripping' North Americans, white supremacists, power hungry, money collectors, drug cartels; you name it, it's in town if not right in the backyard, and of course it comes with a little of that homegrown swag rich kids are so fond of.
So much of what our society values is beyond useless. They are absorbed in a culture and attitude of pleasure by right, and we are passing it onto the entire world because we're at the top. Even now, I'm writing this from an iPad. I too am guilty of buying into this global phenomenon called, to put it simply, Stuff.
But Stuff is very broad and inconclusive; too generalized to be of use. So I will define it as it pertains to my world. Stuff can include, but is not limited to, property, physical attributes, relationships, social adeptness, self worth, communication... I could go on.
What bothers me about Stuff is the profound lack of substance bequeathed to different subjects. Clothing is required as part of our system of respect, and it helps if it's well tailored, but the emphasis is put on nothing more than sexual draw. Every model out there over five years old embodies (or attempts to embody) that hard-sought-after idea of 'cool, smooth, sexy' because the majority of the population has learned that appearance is utmost, and it has nothing to do with your professionalism or style. All that matters is that you show off the right form in the right places.
That is an overused example, but one that everyone relates to - as, sadly, it still rings true in a goodly proportion of cultures around the planet.
This concept has bothered me much in years of late, but never so much as in recent months as I learn more about the social networking site Twitter.
I have a Twitter account, which I use moderately and enjoy. There are aspects that are incongruent with Facebook that appeal to myself and to many others. A friend stated it as such: "Facebook is more about responding. Twitter is simply about sharing information." I like that.
On my Twitter, I've followed a few celebrities I'm interested in from favorite television shows, music and movies. Many post little thoughts and photos here and there and I enjoy seeing a bit of their real world instead of what media portrays. However, there is a concurrence among popular Tweeters (not just celebs, either) that it is okay to bribe fans for followers for other accounts. A common example would run something like this:
(Celebrity Name)
I will follow the next 300 people who follow (Comedy Twitter)
(Comedy Twitter)
If you're not following ________ then delete your twitter; it's not worth having.
Sometimes, the celebrity makes good on the bribe and follows those who let them know they followed so and so.
A personal example concerns Taylor Lautner and a girl named Daena in Texas. I followed Taylor because I appreciate his acting ability and laid back character in interviews. He posted a status asking people to follow Daena's account because she wanted to reach 100 followers.
Now, Daena asks the same thing for other people, and promises to DM (direct message, private between two tweeters) the names of those who follow the other person to Taylor.
Another thing that bothers me about twitter is something called fangirling. If you don't know what that is, find a video online of any celeb walking down an average street. They are ganged up on by screaming adolescent and pre-pubescent females begging for pictures and hugs. That is the craziness now known as fangirling, and tweeters are professionals. Especially if it involves the new artist group One Direction.
Every day there are 'trending topics'; things people are currently tweeting most about. And every day, there is something involving 1D.
My point is not to hate on the new boy band, but to point out the frivolousness of fangirling. Chances are VERY huh you won't meet them, let alone date or marry them. An interest is fine, but why waste hours of daylight and detain needed sleep gazing at pictures?
On the same note, why is it SO important to have thousands of followers? Is it enough to justify online bribery and on occasion, bullying, just to see the number rise by a few hundred?
We have lost that which made our society great - the art of communication. We know how to type and can adeptly lessen an Internet insult by adding a cute :P face to the end of a statement. Come face to face with another person, and there's nothing to talk about, and sticking your tongue out is inappropriate.
We have also lost the desire to gain wisdom and knowledge. Our attitude is very much that of the observant at most street beggar who relies on public nicety to get him through the day.
I get so angry when I see young girls speaking about parties, relationships as if they are the only things that matter. Even issues like gender equality have emerged as meaningless because it's 'cool' to support homo and heterosexuals having the same opportunities; if you asked the average 14-25 year old about their reasons for support, perhaps one in ten could give a decent answer.
I'm bored, I'm frustrated, and I simply cannot handle the apathy of our society any longer. Their practice of dithering their way through life, focusing on the superficial, is the most annoying thing I have ever come across.
At the same time, as much as I'd like to avoid the human race forever and bury my nose in books of learning, I get lonely. As a result, I haven't yet found an adequate solution to my problem and the annoyance lives on.
Monday, July 9, 2012
Sunday, November 6, 2011
The Inconvenience of Convenience
[Note: I meant to write this weeks ago, but thought it wasn't "big" enough... but it's still festering in my mind and someone mentioned I hadn't written in a while so I decided short or not, I'm posting. Hope you like.]
Anyways, let's get to it. I walked into one of our locations on campus at work a few weeks ago to deliver something, and noticed a new sign:
"The deli will close at 8pm tonight. Sorry for any inconvenience."
... and the proverbial bomb went off. Are we so helpless?
You see, what struck me was knowledge that yes, some students WOULD be disconcerted, even upset, that this one section of the store closed early (salad bar, grill, snack sections etc. were still open) and our management would probably be getting a letter or two from some kid too stubborn to simply pick something else that day. I was angered, and I do not believe it was unjustly.
My thoughts traveled to a conversation I had with my dad and his girlfriend when they were here last, about the technological move to online forms of communication. Their position was, and quite correctly, that kids, teens, and even adults are losing their ability to facilitate a face-to-face conversation. Because of constant use of texting, social networking sites, and other similar communication modalities, when two people (especially young people) find themselves in the physical presence of another person, they find themselves actually at a loss for words.
This is a problem. It derives from that phenomenon we call convenience. I mean, that is why we do it, isn't it? I'm sure it isn't because we intentionally don't want to know how to deal with our fellow humans when we can't just rudely walk away from the screen and ignore their anger (portrayed by CAPITAL LETTERS of course - easy to ignore!) No, that isn't the reason.
We do it because it's fast. It's cheap. It takes two seconds to text ten people; calling those ten to repeat the same information ten times would take twenty minutes, and what if they don't answer? A text can and will wait in a person's memory until they actually receive and read it... A phone call can't do that as efficiently.
And so goes the argument. There are thousands of valid reasons that wireless communication has gained the standing it has, and whether people realize it or not, it does affect everyone. I am going to England because of Facebook. I will be staying in touch through FaceTime, Skype, Twitter, Facebook, email, texting... you get the idea. I bought my airline tickets and travel insurance online. It all has its uses, and as we advance in the idea of a global village, it is becoming more and more important that we understand those uses and how they affect us and our families.
However, my parents' fears - and many others' fears - are not ungrounded. All of these technologies are driven by one idea - convenience.
So how long will it be before our children don't learn to write because it's more convenient for them to type? Before teachers teach from the comfort of their homes through video conferencing? Let's get really far fetched and ask ourselves how many years till we start ordering eggs and semen online from potential partners because it's too inconvenient to even have sex for procreation?
A good many years - or never - we hope... But reality may prove otherwise. So what can we do to slow, or stop, this solitary, computer-based culture from developing? Or, should we even try?
Fifty years ago, society knew much better than it does today what it means to work for reward - financial, relational, pleasurable, or otherwise. They knew how to communicate with their brethren because they had to. In this age, we don't "have to" - it's too easy and convenient to ignore responsibility towards both yourself and others. We are more impatient, harder to please, increasingly lazy. This thing, convenience, has changed the face of the world as we once knew it.
But how far is too far - and when do we know?
Anyways, let's get to it. I walked into one of our locations on campus at work a few weeks ago to deliver something, and noticed a new sign:
"The deli will close at 8pm tonight. Sorry for any inconvenience."
... and the proverbial bomb went off. Are we so helpless?
You see, what struck me was knowledge that yes, some students WOULD be disconcerted, even upset, that this one section of the store closed early (salad bar, grill, snack sections etc. were still open) and our management would probably be getting a letter or two from some kid too stubborn to simply pick something else that day. I was angered, and I do not believe it was unjustly.
My thoughts traveled to a conversation I had with my dad and his girlfriend when they were here last, about the technological move to online forms of communication. Their position was, and quite correctly, that kids, teens, and even adults are losing their ability to facilitate a face-to-face conversation. Because of constant use of texting, social networking sites, and other similar communication modalities, when two people (especially young people) find themselves in the physical presence of another person, they find themselves actually at a loss for words.
This is a problem. It derives from that phenomenon we call convenience. I mean, that is why we do it, isn't it? I'm sure it isn't because we intentionally don't want to know how to deal with our fellow humans when we can't just rudely walk away from the screen and ignore their anger (portrayed by CAPITAL LETTERS of course - easy to ignore!) No, that isn't the reason.
We do it because it's fast. It's cheap. It takes two seconds to text ten people; calling those ten to repeat the same information ten times would take twenty minutes, and what if they don't answer? A text can and will wait in a person's memory until they actually receive and read it... A phone call can't do that as efficiently.
And so goes the argument. There are thousands of valid reasons that wireless communication has gained the standing it has, and whether people realize it or not, it does affect everyone. I am going to England because of Facebook. I will be staying in touch through FaceTime, Skype, Twitter, Facebook, email, texting... you get the idea. I bought my airline tickets and travel insurance online. It all has its uses, and as we advance in the idea of a global village, it is becoming more and more important that we understand those uses and how they affect us and our families.
However, my parents' fears - and many others' fears - are not ungrounded. All of these technologies are driven by one idea - convenience.
So how long will it be before our children don't learn to write because it's more convenient for them to type? Before teachers teach from the comfort of their homes through video conferencing? Let's get really far fetched and ask ourselves how many years till we start ordering eggs and semen online from potential partners because it's too inconvenient to even have sex for procreation?
A good many years - or never - we hope... But reality may prove otherwise. So what can we do to slow, or stop, this solitary, computer-based culture from developing? Or, should we even try?
Fifty years ago, society knew much better than it does today what it means to work for reward - financial, relational, pleasurable, or otherwise. They knew how to communicate with their brethren because they had to. In this age, we don't "have to" - it's too easy and convenient to ignore responsibility towards both yourself and others. We are more impatient, harder to please, increasingly lazy. This thing, convenience, has changed the face of the world as we once knew it.
But how far is too far - and when do we know?
Saturday, September 24, 2011
Fireflies' Dreams.
There is a song by the country singer Faith Hill entitled, "Fireflies". It's about the innocence of a child's dreams, and how as we grow we often lose that ability to look beyond the limits of reality, to imagine the impossible and maybe, even make it happen. (Listen to it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TnRPzpA4VCA)
Every little girl knows what a princess is, and aspires to be one. Granted, some want to be like Cinderella, dressed in beautiful gowns and crowns and giving tea parties and dances. Others, such as myself, take more to figures like Princess Zelda from the popular Nintendo games series. She has the dress, but she is also very prone to jump into monster-slashing battles alongside the game hero Link. Best of both worlds.
Whatever she likes doesn't matter. What matters are two very important ideas: the first idea being that she is both beautiful and valuable as she is (another huge topic for a different blog), and the second idea being that she can dream.
dream (drm) n.
1. A series of images, ideas, emotions, and sensations occurring involuntarily in the mind during certain stages of sleep.
2. A daydream; a reverie.
3. A state of abstraction; a trance.
4. A wild fancy or hope.
5. A condition or achievement that is longed for; an aspiration: a dream of owning their own business.
6. One that is exceptionally gratifying, excellent, or beautiful
[Emphasis added]
Take a close look at the last three definitions, the ones I've italicized. To put that all into one feasible idea, a dream can be broken down into parts:
> Wild, Fancy - something so big it would never happen in one's regular day-to-day life
> An Aspiration, Achievement - a goal, something that can worked towards> Gratifying, Beautiful - something so lovely and enjoyable it couldn't be forgotten
In one sentence, a dream is something that you normally wouldn't experience, but would never never forget if it was to happen, and it something you can earn.
That, however, is an adult's way of looking at it. A child simply says, "I wish I had a pony." She imagines the pony in her yard, where she could pet it and groom it and ride it, where her and the pony would be best friends and spend each day together in each other's company. An adult making the same wish says, "I would love to have a horse. I wish that I could have money to buy it, a place to keep it, time to ride and take care of it, and the knowledge to train it."
We have been corrupted by our own adulthood. No longer are we able to just dream; all our dreams are accompanied by limitations.
Not to say that you can just have a horse. The adult is right in forseeing the responsibilities that would come with ownership. But the dream itself, the idea and longing, should still reign free, unfettered by the world-weary harness of responsibility.
When I was younger, I watched shows like the Lion King and Kratts' Creatures. I dreamed of what it would be like to be in a lion's natural habitat, to see a warthog in a mud hole, to gaze upon herds of gazelles and zebras as they paraded across the savannah. I knew, because of school, that they lived on the other side of the world. I had an idea that it would take a very long time and a lot of money to ever get there on a plane or ship. But I never connected that with the possibility that I could go. Little me, in Kelowna, never expected to somehow wind up beside a majestic lion on the other side of the planet. I didn't understand that I could just pay for a plane ride, but I never gave up on dreaming. As Cinderella says in her little song, "A dream is a wish your heart makes."
When I was young, Africa to me seemed impossible. I had a heart wish to see it, but what could a girl do? Turns out, anything I want. Because dreams don't have to stay dreams forever. Either you lose them, or you use them. I used my dream. Two years ago, I spent six hours in a van watching lions and giraffes in the Masai Mara National Reserve in Kenya, Africa.
Right now, I'm making another childhood dream come true. I've always wanted to explore castles, and forever been fascinated with kings, queens, and the history, adventure, and romance in the tales of Robin Hood and King Arthur with his Knights of the Round Table. I thought, years ago, that because these things were hundreds of years old, they were gone. In a sense, that is true - the culture of royal courts and the excitement of swords and bows that attract us in those stories are things of the past. But the castles and the people (although long dead) were and are still real, and many do exist even today. And I'm going to see them.
I've been looking for and praying about an opportunity to visit the UK, more specifically Ireland and Scotland, for over a year. I looked into a few different things that didn't really fit into my budget and time allowances, but I never stopped dreaming. A few months ago now, I contacted a pastor in England asking for advice on who I could contact about potentially volunteering with a church or organization somewhere in the UK, and lo and behold, his own church can and I'm now staying with him and his wife for six weeks. I'm also traveling to cities in Scotland, Ireland, Wales, and possibly France.
And even though I'm now an adult, and understand that I have to pay a whackload of money to go, and find places to stay, transportation, food, etc... even though I have to be "responsible" for every aspect of this trip, sometimes I just stop myself for a minute. Thinking about all of that, and trying to plan a two month excursion for myself, by myself, gets stressful, even with the excitement and anticipation. When I have the numbers and prices from thirteen different train stations listed in comparison to a Britrail pass and bus schedules for Dublin and it's all running around in circles in my brain, I stop. Find a picture of one of the castles I plan to visit. Close my eyes, forget temporarily about all the prices and options, and just imagine myself standing within the walls of a structure that's 700 years old and was visited by the royal families of three or four countries. I just see myself inside the walls of the White Tower, or looking at the final resting place of King Henry VIII, and I know that no matter how much stress, worry, excitement, or anticipation courses through my head, I will always have that ability to go back to the simplistic dream of my childhood to 'see a real castle' - and to know that my dream, through my own planning and hard work, is coming true.
Two things I have learned through this process...
1) God's timing and prayer never fail you. I know now that had I been accepted into the YWAM program or a nannying position, I wouldn't have been satisfied. All I wanted out of those was to travel; I was looking in the wrong place for the wrong reasons. This opportunity provides exactly what I was looking for: the ability to travel and see lots of places and faces, but also to stay as part of a family and really experience the culture through eyes free of "tourist" glasses. All things are possible through God if we wait patiently for Him to provide us with the reality of the vision, and remember that it doesn't - and usually, won't - come in the way we expect.
2) Never stop dreaming. As soon as you give up your heart's desires - however far they may seem now - you lose much of your reason to live. The person who has nothing to dream about and aspire to has no reason to get up in the morning, outside of their personal responsibilities to family, work, the church, or anything else they've committed to. However, the folks who get up every day because they 'have to' burn out more easily and faster than one would think possible. Having a dream is a refreshing reminder that life doesn't have to be humdrum and gives us something to work toward, and when we reach the goal, a huge reward in the form of something that we've been waiting and wishing for, sometimes for years.
Something else I've come to learn has to do with the relationships in my life. Having these dreams of traveling from my childhood being realized, it's showed me that God knows and remembers not only my needs, but my wants - even those I may not even yet know myself. Another dream every little little girl imagines is being swept away by the fairytale handsome prince - and that one only grows stronger as we get older. I used to dream of being done school, getting my driver's licence, and of course traveling. I wasn't too concerned with boys when I was younger. But as my dreams are either given up (such as being a pilot - not really into that anymore) or fulfilled, new ones take their places. I dream now of having a career and a husband, and I know that even though I'm not one hundred perecent sure how those will happen yet, as long as I keep praying, waiting, and watching for an opportunity, when I am ready God will make those things happen, too.
PS: Did I mention I bought my plane tickets last night?
Every little girl knows what a princess is, and aspires to be one. Granted, some want to be like Cinderella, dressed in beautiful gowns and crowns and giving tea parties and dances. Others, such as myself, take more to figures like Princess Zelda from the popular Nintendo games series. She has the dress, but she is also very prone to jump into monster-slashing battles alongside the game hero Link. Best of both worlds.
Whatever she likes doesn't matter. What matters are two very important ideas: the first idea being that she is both beautiful and valuable as she is (another huge topic for a different blog), and the second idea being that she can dream.
dream (drm) n.
1. A series of images, ideas, emotions, and sensations occurring involuntarily in the mind during certain stages of sleep.
2. A daydream; a reverie.
3. A state of abstraction; a trance.
4. A wild fancy or hope.
5. A condition or achievement that is longed for; an aspiration: a dream of owning their own business.
6. One that is exceptionally gratifying, excellent, or beautiful
[Emphasis added]
Take a close look at the last three definitions, the ones I've italicized. To put that all into one feasible idea, a dream can be broken down into parts:
> Wild, Fancy - something so big it would never happen in one's regular day-to-day life
> An Aspiration, Achievement - a goal, something that can worked towards> Gratifying, Beautiful - something so lovely and enjoyable it couldn't be forgotten
In one sentence, a dream is something that you normally wouldn't experience, but would never never forget if it was to happen, and it something you can earn.
That, however, is an adult's way of looking at it. A child simply says, "I wish I had a pony." She imagines the pony in her yard, where she could pet it and groom it and ride it, where her and the pony would be best friends and spend each day together in each other's company. An adult making the same wish says, "I would love to have a horse. I wish that I could have money to buy it, a place to keep it, time to ride and take care of it, and the knowledge to train it."
We have been corrupted by our own adulthood. No longer are we able to just dream; all our dreams are accompanied by limitations.
Not to say that you can just have a horse. The adult is right in forseeing the responsibilities that would come with ownership. But the dream itself, the idea and longing, should still reign free, unfettered by the world-weary harness of responsibility.
When I was younger, I watched shows like the Lion King and Kratts' Creatures. I dreamed of what it would be like to be in a lion's natural habitat, to see a warthog in a mud hole, to gaze upon herds of gazelles and zebras as they paraded across the savannah. I knew, because of school, that they lived on the other side of the world. I had an idea that it would take a very long time and a lot of money to ever get there on a plane or ship. But I never connected that with the possibility that I could go. Little me, in Kelowna, never expected to somehow wind up beside a majestic lion on the other side of the planet. I didn't understand that I could just pay for a plane ride, but I never gave up on dreaming. As Cinderella says in her little song, "A dream is a wish your heart makes."
When I was young, Africa to me seemed impossible. I had a heart wish to see it, but what could a girl do? Turns out, anything I want. Because dreams don't have to stay dreams forever. Either you lose them, or you use them. I used my dream. Two years ago, I spent six hours in a van watching lions and giraffes in the Masai Mara National Reserve in Kenya, Africa.
Right now, I'm making another childhood dream come true. I've always wanted to explore castles, and forever been fascinated with kings, queens, and the history, adventure, and romance in the tales of Robin Hood and King Arthur with his Knights of the Round Table. I thought, years ago, that because these things were hundreds of years old, they were gone. In a sense, that is true - the culture of royal courts and the excitement of swords and bows that attract us in those stories are things of the past. But the castles and the people (although long dead) were and are still real, and many do exist even today. And I'm going to see them.
I've been looking for and praying about an opportunity to visit the UK, more specifically Ireland and Scotland, for over a year. I looked into a few different things that didn't really fit into my budget and time allowances, but I never stopped dreaming. A few months ago now, I contacted a pastor in England asking for advice on who I could contact about potentially volunteering with a church or organization somewhere in the UK, and lo and behold, his own church can and I'm now staying with him and his wife for six weeks. I'm also traveling to cities in Scotland, Ireland, Wales, and possibly France.
And even though I'm now an adult, and understand that I have to pay a whackload of money to go, and find places to stay, transportation, food, etc... even though I have to be "responsible" for every aspect of this trip, sometimes I just stop myself for a minute. Thinking about all of that, and trying to plan a two month excursion for myself, by myself, gets stressful, even with the excitement and anticipation. When I have the numbers and prices from thirteen different train stations listed in comparison to a Britrail pass and bus schedules for Dublin and it's all running around in circles in my brain, I stop. Find a picture of one of the castles I plan to visit. Close my eyes, forget temporarily about all the prices and options, and just imagine myself standing within the walls of a structure that's 700 years old and was visited by the royal families of three or four countries. I just see myself inside the walls of the White Tower, or looking at the final resting place of King Henry VIII, and I know that no matter how much stress, worry, excitement, or anticipation courses through my head, I will always have that ability to go back to the simplistic dream of my childhood to 'see a real castle' - and to know that my dream, through my own planning and hard work, is coming true.
Two things I have learned through this process...
1) God's timing and prayer never fail you. I know now that had I been accepted into the YWAM program or a nannying position, I wouldn't have been satisfied. All I wanted out of those was to travel; I was looking in the wrong place for the wrong reasons. This opportunity provides exactly what I was looking for: the ability to travel and see lots of places and faces, but also to stay as part of a family and really experience the culture through eyes free of "tourist" glasses. All things are possible through God if we wait patiently for Him to provide us with the reality of the vision, and remember that it doesn't - and usually, won't - come in the way we expect.
2) Never stop dreaming. As soon as you give up your heart's desires - however far they may seem now - you lose much of your reason to live. The person who has nothing to dream about and aspire to has no reason to get up in the morning, outside of their personal responsibilities to family, work, the church, or anything else they've committed to. However, the folks who get up every day because they 'have to' burn out more easily and faster than one would think possible. Having a dream is a refreshing reminder that life doesn't have to be humdrum and gives us something to work toward, and when we reach the goal, a huge reward in the form of something that we've been waiting and wishing for, sometimes for years.
Something else I've come to learn has to do with the relationships in my life. Having these dreams of traveling from my childhood being realized, it's showed me that God knows and remembers not only my needs, but my wants - even those I may not even yet know myself. Another dream every little little girl imagines is being swept away by the fairytale handsome prince - and that one only grows stronger as we get older. I used to dream of being done school, getting my driver's licence, and of course traveling. I wasn't too concerned with boys when I was younger. But as my dreams are either given up (such as being a pilot - not really into that anymore) or fulfilled, new ones take their places. I dream now of having a career and a husband, and I know that even though I'm not one hundred perecent sure how those will happen yet, as long as I keep praying, waiting, and watching for an opportunity, when I am ready God will make those things happen, too.
PS: Did I mention I bought my plane tickets last night?
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Purity In Its Purest Form
Ladies and gentlemen, I have an announcement! I am a single young woman of marriagable age!
Yes, I know you already know. In fact, some may disagree.. many these days consider twenty too young. But fact is, people my age (and younger!) are getting into relationships, getting married, and beginning families. Many of us singletons simply watch in major confusion and ample jealousy as two people we know fall helplessly into this thing called "love", buy pretty rings, and pay exhorbitant prices for huge parties to proclaim their mutual fascination for each other to the rest of the world and solemnly promise to do their best to stay fascinated until they're old and wrinkly.
This naturally raises questions for us not quite so lucky ones.
There is the whole mottled bottle of questions involving dating, what kind of a guy should I go out with, blah blah blah.. but many of us never dare to ask the questions we are most curious about: those involving sex.
We are sexual beings. There's no denying that. And the older we get, the more apparent it becomes. I can't speak for everyone, but as I mature, the longings and the questions get deeper and deeper, as well as more confusing. I know enough people that feel the same way to assume that statement is true for a good part of the population - especially if you are inexperienced in love.
So how do we answer those deepseated feelings? Every girl struggles with complex issues about attractiveness, fear of rejection, of not being enough, of being alone... what is the right thing to tell a girl that will convince her everything will be okay, there is someone out there for you, and yes, you will find love...
Nobody knows for sure. Some are very successful at it, but it takes years of practice, study, and many failures before they know how to make someone KNOW that everything's going to be okay.. and it's usually their own wives who help them figure it out.
Where do the rest of us turn to? Unfortunately, that question is the the root of much of the young girl's problems today. Many teens are too ashamed or afraid to ask, and parents find it much too awkward to approach. So our nation's daughters get their answers about romance, love and sex from raunchy magazines and television shows that make your heart race and your brain swoon but contain little of reality or truth.
I was lucky enough to have a mom willing to share what she knew about relationships and sex, good and bad, complete or not. But I am in the minority. Too many young ladies have the wrong ideas about what it means to be in a relationship and undervalue the gift of their virginity.
I recently went online to look up advice on having sex the first time, to see what people my age and younger would be reading (and you can bet your life they do). I also read some personal stories of first time sexual encounters. Some I was encouraged by, but they were quickly outweighed by scenarios that belonged in R-rated movies. Many stories contained comments that went along the lines of, "I didn't feel ready, but he wanted me to, so I just did it,", "We were holding hands, and one thing led to another..", and "I didn't want my first time to be like this, and I regret my choices."
Some websites were very clear about the physical details one could expect (amount of pain, etc), but the one thing I appreciated the most were the stories that admitted to feeling more pressure than pleasure. 90% of testimonies on those sites were from young girls and guys admitting to having sexual relations mid-teens, with someone they thought "loved them", only to break up a few weeks or months later and realize they'd wasted their gift on another who didn't care as much as they seemed to.
That REALLY bothers me.
Since the dawn of time, people have been struggling with one question. It has many faces, but when you look past the weight loss, the makeup, the hair, the muscles, the cars, houses, boats, jobs... we all need to know: are we good enough? And it has never been more prevalent than now.
It is my belief that society has a responsibility, and we are failing. We are responsible to treat every person as a person and an individual, with individual needs, wants, and fears. We are responsible to make our young people understand that they don't need what TV says they need in order to be accepted and productive members of society. We are responsible to tell each twelve year old girl and boy that they do not need to be skinner, more muscled, more painted up, stronger. That they don't need to have sex before they're sixteen. That they are much more valuable than they think and believe and they don't have to prove themselves to anyone.
Because that's what they believe.
But that's not what I believe.
I too, have questions. I too desire a relationship and to experience love and sex and all that goes with it. I'm preprogrammed to do so, and media today sadly isn't helping to solve the probelm. But I know that unless I'm ready, with the right man, at the right time, things will go sour quicker than warm milk. I know that waiting for a covenant marriage, where my husband and I have committed to walk together for life, will be worth all the pain, impatience, confusion, and unmet desire I struggle with now.
My solution? I remember. I remember every successful couple I've ever met, every unsuccessful relationship I've ever witnessed, all the broken young men and women that weren't sure what they wanted, and figured it out too late. Then, I pray. Pray for strength to wait. Pray for wisdom in how I deal with the men in my life. I even pray for the ones I'm attracted to or interested in, that they would have wisdom in their own lives and that God would work in them and remind them of how much they're worth.
One of the most valuable tools to deal with the questions I've found is having close friends of the same sex who are willing to talk about it. Friends who are going through the same struggles, same feelings, and will encourage you as you encourage them.
It's hard, but it will not last forever. You are good enough. I am good enough. And someday, we'll all find the love we're dreaming of.
You might be reading this and thinking, this doesn't apply to me. I'm 40 years old with three kids, a great husband, and a busy life. Or, I'm 60 years old and have two grandkids. Well, got news for ya. You're wrong. It very much applies to you, to your kids, to your grandkids, to your neighbours, the cop that pulled you over last week, and the man behind the counter at Tim's. People's struggles don't end magically when they reach a certain age. Fairytale weddings turn into horrific nightmares because of these issues. Each of us knows what it feels like. Each has influence. Go out today and encourage someone. Hopefully someday we'll convince the world.
Yes, I know you already know. In fact, some may disagree.. many these days consider twenty too young. But fact is, people my age (and younger!) are getting into relationships, getting married, and beginning families. Many of us singletons simply watch in major confusion and ample jealousy as two people we know fall helplessly into this thing called "love", buy pretty rings, and pay exhorbitant prices for huge parties to proclaim their mutual fascination for each other to the rest of the world and solemnly promise to do their best to stay fascinated until they're old and wrinkly.
This naturally raises questions for us not quite so lucky ones.
There is the whole mottled bottle of questions involving dating, what kind of a guy should I go out with, blah blah blah.. but many of us never dare to ask the questions we are most curious about: those involving sex.
We are sexual beings. There's no denying that. And the older we get, the more apparent it becomes. I can't speak for everyone, but as I mature, the longings and the questions get deeper and deeper, as well as more confusing. I know enough people that feel the same way to assume that statement is true for a good part of the population - especially if you are inexperienced in love.
So how do we answer those deepseated feelings? Every girl struggles with complex issues about attractiveness, fear of rejection, of not being enough, of being alone... what is the right thing to tell a girl that will convince her everything will be okay, there is someone out there for you, and yes, you will find love...
Nobody knows for sure. Some are very successful at it, but it takes years of practice, study, and many failures before they know how to make someone KNOW that everything's going to be okay.. and it's usually their own wives who help them figure it out.
Where do the rest of us turn to? Unfortunately, that question is the the root of much of the young girl's problems today. Many teens are too ashamed or afraid to ask, and parents find it much too awkward to approach. So our nation's daughters get their answers about romance, love and sex from raunchy magazines and television shows that make your heart race and your brain swoon but contain little of reality or truth.
I was lucky enough to have a mom willing to share what she knew about relationships and sex, good and bad, complete or not. But I am in the minority. Too many young ladies have the wrong ideas about what it means to be in a relationship and undervalue the gift of their virginity.
I recently went online to look up advice on having sex the first time, to see what people my age and younger would be reading (and you can bet your life they do). I also read some personal stories of first time sexual encounters. Some I was encouraged by, but they were quickly outweighed by scenarios that belonged in R-rated movies. Many stories contained comments that went along the lines of, "I didn't feel ready, but he wanted me to, so I just did it,", "We were holding hands, and one thing led to another..", and "I didn't want my first time to be like this, and I regret my choices."
Some websites were very clear about the physical details one could expect (amount of pain, etc), but the one thing I appreciated the most were the stories that admitted to feeling more pressure than pleasure. 90% of testimonies on those sites were from young girls and guys admitting to having sexual relations mid-teens, with someone they thought "loved them", only to break up a few weeks or months later and realize they'd wasted their gift on another who didn't care as much as they seemed to.
That REALLY bothers me.
Since the dawn of time, people have been struggling with one question. It has many faces, but when you look past the weight loss, the makeup, the hair, the muscles, the cars, houses, boats, jobs... we all need to know: are we good enough? And it has never been more prevalent than now.
It is my belief that society has a responsibility, and we are failing. We are responsible to treat every person as a person and an individual, with individual needs, wants, and fears. We are responsible to make our young people understand that they don't need what TV says they need in order to be accepted and productive members of society. We are responsible to tell each twelve year old girl and boy that they do not need to be skinner, more muscled, more painted up, stronger. That they don't need to have sex before they're sixteen. That they are much more valuable than they think and believe and they don't have to prove themselves to anyone.
Because that's what they believe.
But that's not what I believe.
I too, have questions. I too desire a relationship and to experience love and sex and all that goes with it. I'm preprogrammed to do so, and media today sadly isn't helping to solve the probelm. But I know that unless I'm ready, with the right man, at the right time, things will go sour quicker than warm milk. I know that waiting for a covenant marriage, where my husband and I have committed to walk together for life, will be worth all the pain, impatience, confusion, and unmet desire I struggle with now.
My solution? I remember. I remember every successful couple I've ever met, every unsuccessful relationship I've ever witnessed, all the broken young men and women that weren't sure what they wanted, and figured it out too late. Then, I pray. Pray for strength to wait. Pray for wisdom in how I deal with the men in my life. I even pray for the ones I'm attracted to or interested in, that they would have wisdom in their own lives and that God would work in them and remind them of how much they're worth.
One of the most valuable tools to deal with the questions I've found is having close friends of the same sex who are willing to talk about it. Friends who are going through the same struggles, same feelings, and will encourage you as you encourage them.
It's hard, but it will not last forever. You are good enough. I am good enough. And someday, we'll all find the love we're dreaming of.
You might be reading this and thinking, this doesn't apply to me. I'm 40 years old with three kids, a great husband, and a busy life. Or, I'm 60 years old and have two grandkids. Well, got news for ya. You're wrong. It very much applies to you, to your kids, to your grandkids, to your neighbours, the cop that pulled you over last week, and the man behind the counter at Tim's. People's struggles don't end magically when they reach a certain age. Fairytale weddings turn into horrific nightmares because of these issues. Each of us knows what it feels like. Each has influence. Go out today and encourage someone. Hopefully someday we'll convince the world.
Friday, August 12, 2011
Remembrances.
I have photos on my walls.
Not uncommon.
They're photos of places, pets, past times, projects, and people. Mostly people. Many people. Many people that I don't even speak to anymore.
The past three weeks I have been staring at particular sets of photos on my walls, gazing upon faces of princes familiar. People I used to be really good friends with. Maybe even family. I was, at least, for one - a little sister. But "used" is past tense. Meaning what "used" to be is no longer. Meaning it doesn't happen anymore. I'm not anyone's little sister now.
My heart's been aching like I've never experienced before. Friends come and go all the time. It's happened a hundred, a thousand, countless times to me. I always find new ones to fill the space. But not this time.
The walls are crumbling and the cracks are widening. And I miss them.
And it hurts.
I don't understand why I miss these few particulars more than others in the past. I certainly had good friends, even best friends, that moved away or changed schools and I lived on. Maybe it's the way they went.
I do, however, understand why I miss them. They made me happy. I felt confident, appreciated, loved. Maybe even pretty. Protected. Valued. Sometimes even fun.
But it ended. Not slowly, and not even with a goodbye from at least one of them. Just dropped. Like marshmallows in fire. Bam. Done. Melted. Burned and gone.
Just. Gone.
I guess that it hurts because at one point, I meant something, more than just a friend, someone they cared about and spent time with. Because I cared about them. Invested my time, energy, wisdom, patience, and even cash. For long periods of time. Months.
Then circumstances change and they're just gone. I feel so abandoned and forgotten. I can't comprehend how you can spend four or five days a week with someone, then go from that to not even a shred of communication in less than two months. Because I tried. Facebooked, texted, called. Knocked on doors when I could. Nothing worked. I was relocated to the back burner, set on very low heat, and forgotten about. Maybe even turned off all the way.
My head's telling me that I don't need friends like that. That it's good they're not talking to me, because it just proves that they don't care enough to put effort into it anyway. That I should just give up and move on and find people who will put the time in. That I'm better off this way.
But my heart misses those who were close. Maybe I can't have them back the way things were, but I wish I could have them back at all. Even one conversation, just to show me they haven't forgotten. That life just got in the way, communication broke down, I'm sorry, they're sorry, and we'll fix it. Have coffee.
But I know that most, if not all, won't repair themselves the way I wish they could. And I know that's something I'll have to learn to live with. Because I'm an adult now, and I have to choose what kind of people I want to be around. There will be new friends, and old ones. And there will be people with whom it is better to break contact with, regardless of how I feel about them. But there will also be people, and one specific person eventually, who will be able to fill every void I've felt and am feeling and will feel. When I learn to let go, and stop allowing this kind of situation to affect my happiness.
Welcome to life. Wish it was easier. It's not. No cake walks. Just bushwhacking.
Not uncommon.
They're photos of places, pets, past times, projects, and people. Mostly people. Many people. Many people that I don't even speak to anymore.
The past three weeks I have been staring at particular sets of photos on my walls, gazing upon faces of princes familiar. People I used to be really good friends with. Maybe even family. I was, at least, for one - a little sister. But "used" is past tense. Meaning what "used" to be is no longer. Meaning it doesn't happen anymore. I'm not anyone's little sister now.
My heart's been aching like I've never experienced before. Friends come and go all the time. It's happened a hundred, a thousand, countless times to me. I always find new ones to fill the space. But not this time.
The walls are crumbling and the cracks are widening. And I miss them.
And it hurts.
I don't understand why I miss these few particulars more than others in the past. I certainly had good friends, even best friends, that moved away or changed schools and I lived on. Maybe it's the way they went.
I do, however, understand why I miss them. They made me happy. I felt confident, appreciated, loved. Maybe even pretty. Protected. Valued. Sometimes even fun.
But it ended. Not slowly, and not even with a goodbye from at least one of them. Just dropped. Like marshmallows in fire. Bam. Done. Melted. Burned and gone.
Just. Gone.
I guess that it hurts because at one point, I meant something, more than just a friend, someone they cared about and spent time with. Because I cared about them. Invested my time, energy, wisdom, patience, and even cash. For long periods of time. Months.
Then circumstances change and they're just gone. I feel so abandoned and forgotten. I can't comprehend how you can spend four or five days a week with someone, then go from that to not even a shred of communication in less than two months. Because I tried. Facebooked, texted, called. Knocked on doors when I could. Nothing worked. I was relocated to the back burner, set on very low heat, and forgotten about. Maybe even turned off all the way.
My head's telling me that I don't need friends like that. That it's good they're not talking to me, because it just proves that they don't care enough to put effort into it anyway. That I should just give up and move on and find people who will put the time in. That I'm better off this way.
But my heart misses those who were close. Maybe I can't have them back the way things were, but I wish I could have them back at all. Even one conversation, just to show me they haven't forgotten. That life just got in the way, communication broke down, I'm sorry, they're sorry, and we'll fix it. Have coffee.
But I know that most, if not all, won't repair themselves the way I wish they could. And I know that's something I'll have to learn to live with. Because I'm an adult now, and I have to choose what kind of people I want to be around. There will be new friends, and old ones. And there will be people with whom it is better to break contact with, regardless of how I feel about them. But there will also be people, and one specific person eventually, who will be able to fill every void I've felt and am feeling and will feel. When I learn to let go, and stop allowing this kind of situation to affect my happiness.
Welcome to life. Wish it was easier. It's not. No cake walks. Just bushwhacking.
Monday, May 16, 2011
Living and Learning
First off, I want to explain why my posts have been so few and far between as of late. I feel like the purpose of this blog is not just for me to write and to get things off my chest, but also to provide a solid view on issues and why I see it that way - to perhaps have something concrete, a lesson of some sort, that the reader can take away. If nothing else, for people to understand who I am and why I feel the way I do. Lately, my thoughts have been nothing but abstract emotions, slowly conglomerating into life lessons. Until this week, I couldn't put words to anything I've been feeling, experiencing, and learning that would format into cohesive sentences. I didn't want to write anything on here that didn't have a point.. or a semblance of a point... so that's why there's been almost nothing. I'm sorry, but I'm human and sometimes I'm a slow learner.. plus I've exhausted many of the things that I have opinions on in this blog already. Haha. That being said, I feel like I've learned three HUGE things in the past two weeks.
I've started going to a girls' group every Saturday night. It's going to be some kind of Bible study (we're discussing potential topics right now), but it's also just a place where we can go to hang out with, and be real with, other like-minded young adult females. I'll go into more detail in a bit here, but it was mostly in talking with these ladies that all these thoughts morphed into ideas.
The first one has to do with relationships. Obviously, I'm at an age where that's often on my mind. It's hard to forget when my friends are starting to get married and some older ones are having their first children. God has seen fit, in the last year or so, to put me into many positions where I am blessed to be able to give a listening ear to folks younger than myself (and occasionally older too) with their relationships, and to offer an opinion and advice if it's wanted.
I sometimes find it difficult to talk about such things objectively, when they're describing how they feel and dreams and problems and whatnot - describing things I wish I had and don't, and never have. Since I've never been in a relationship, I assume that I'm a good communicator, or a good listener, or both, since they keep coming back to me with questions and thoughts. I get jealous, but it's my opinion that you should look for a relationship with the intention of marriage - and I don't know if I'm ready for that yet.
However, last week I was texting a friend about it and he replied, "Half of me wants a relationship, some of me doesn't, and the rest isn't sure." I felt that was exactly where I was at, and then a thought came, which I texted back: "I'm learning too much about relationships to be in one right now." I think that's a very encouraging statement for myself. By talking about others' relationships, I'm learning a lot about what it takes to make, break and repair them.. knowledge I'm sure I'll find useful in the future. Lesson One.
Lesson Two was about lies. It says in the Bible that satan is the father of lies, and it describes him as the god of this world, a lion seeking to devour, and a red dragon. Those are powerful descriptions, and this week I learned that satan is a powerful being and if I am not strong in God's word of who He says I am, I am easily overcome. The last little while I've had a nagging thought in the back of my head - one that said my friends only hung out with me because they were obligated to. For instance, the girls called me for that Bible study because I'm a 'young adult' and 'part of the group'.. on the list.. and not necessarily because they wanted me there. And my best buddy only hung out with me because either I asked him, or because he wanted to see my family - hang out with my sister, who is closer in age - but because she was busy I was the next best option. I have always had a difficult time believing that people actually liked me, but it was very hard this last week. I knew it was stupid to think things like that, because people don't hang out with people they don't like... but driving my buddy home one night, I asked him straight out, "Do you like hanging out with me?" We've been friends for a year, and close friends for probably ten months of that year. His response was what should've been expected: "Yeah, I spend more time with you than anyone else. Why?" I felt bad for doubting. But reality is, I did.
Lesson Two was about trusting and believing that I am valuable. That people aren't lying to me, aren't deceived somehow, when they tell me they like me, or I'm a fun person to be around, or I look good. I learned that if I let satan in, he'll take what I gave him and push in far past the line I drew, as deep as he can get. But I also learned that I can overcome that, if I remember the truth and dwell on that instead, trusting the Lord when He says that He made me in His image and although I'm not perfect because I'm human, He made no mistakes when He created me.
Lesson Three was the value of friendship. Nay, more than that. The value of life partnerships, support, and love between people. A kind of friendship that is much more than just the occasional coffee and movie night or walk on the beach. This girls' group is exactly that sort of friendship.
We meet at 7 or 7:30 every Saturday night. I've only gone two out of three weeks, but I feel so lightened when I leave each time that I'd almost rather go all night. Everyone who's attended has vocalized similar feelings. Essentially, right now it's a "if you knew me" group. I blogged about that particular show months ago, and now I find myself doing the same thing. We all know, or know of, each other, but for that two hours or so, we make a point to KNOW each other. Everything. Good, bad, and most important, the ugly. I shared about the two things I just wrote about. Others have shared about how they feel pressure to stand up to expectations, how they feel they have no one to lean on in their lives, and a multitude of other things we are normally taught not to 'burden others' with. Emotions run high - toilet paper is a necessity - but we laugh a lot too. We have sworn to hide nothing, to love everyone, to listen to anything - confidentially - and we have. And we've discovered the value of having a group of people who know when your life is full of crap.
The first week I went, we shared about our past and current struggles. Then we prayed as a group. Last night, we recapped and updated a little for some new people, and then we spent nearly three hours going around our circle of six or seven people, encouraging each other. The only rule was you had to make eye contact.. focus on one person at a time, and everyone shared something personal and uplifting with that individual. Nobody struggled to find anything to say, and tears flowed freely.. and for me, it really helped me to shake the idea that people don't love me for me, but because they 'should'. For twenty minutes, I had love poured on me from every corner of the room - and it was amazing. Life changing. Saturday nights are becoming the best nights of the week, and perhaps some of the best nights of my life thus far. Those girls and those hours mean so much to me.
I would encourage you to find at least one person, if not more, you can be completely honest with and spill anything and everything to. Remember that you're valuable, and although it's so hard for some reason to take compliments, when you get one, look that person in the eye and allow those words to sink in as you thank them.
I've had an incredible couple of weeks in my life. There are so many opportunities to learn about myself and about others. You have them too. Find them. Use them. Test them. Invest them.
I've started going to a girls' group every Saturday night. It's going to be some kind of Bible study (we're discussing potential topics right now), but it's also just a place where we can go to hang out with, and be real with, other like-minded young adult females. I'll go into more detail in a bit here, but it was mostly in talking with these ladies that all these thoughts morphed into ideas.
The first one has to do with relationships. Obviously, I'm at an age where that's often on my mind. It's hard to forget when my friends are starting to get married and some older ones are having their first children. God has seen fit, in the last year or so, to put me into many positions where I am blessed to be able to give a listening ear to folks younger than myself (and occasionally older too) with their relationships, and to offer an opinion and advice if it's wanted.
I sometimes find it difficult to talk about such things objectively, when they're describing how they feel and dreams and problems and whatnot - describing things I wish I had and don't, and never have. Since I've never been in a relationship, I assume that I'm a good communicator, or a good listener, or both, since they keep coming back to me with questions and thoughts. I get jealous, but it's my opinion that you should look for a relationship with the intention of marriage - and I don't know if I'm ready for that yet.
However, last week I was texting a friend about it and he replied, "Half of me wants a relationship, some of me doesn't, and the rest isn't sure." I felt that was exactly where I was at, and then a thought came, which I texted back: "I'm learning too much about relationships to be in one right now." I think that's a very encouraging statement for myself. By talking about others' relationships, I'm learning a lot about what it takes to make, break and repair them.. knowledge I'm sure I'll find useful in the future. Lesson One.
Lesson Two was about lies. It says in the Bible that satan is the father of lies, and it describes him as the god of this world, a lion seeking to devour, and a red dragon. Those are powerful descriptions, and this week I learned that satan is a powerful being and if I am not strong in God's word of who He says I am, I am easily overcome. The last little while I've had a nagging thought in the back of my head - one that said my friends only hung out with me because they were obligated to. For instance, the girls called me for that Bible study because I'm a 'young adult' and 'part of the group'.. on the list.. and not necessarily because they wanted me there. And my best buddy only hung out with me because either I asked him, or because he wanted to see my family - hang out with my sister, who is closer in age - but because she was busy I was the next best option. I have always had a difficult time believing that people actually liked me, but it was very hard this last week. I knew it was stupid to think things like that, because people don't hang out with people they don't like... but driving my buddy home one night, I asked him straight out, "Do you like hanging out with me?" We've been friends for a year, and close friends for probably ten months of that year. His response was what should've been expected: "Yeah, I spend more time with you than anyone else. Why?" I felt bad for doubting. But reality is, I did.
Lesson Two was about trusting and believing that I am valuable. That people aren't lying to me, aren't deceived somehow, when they tell me they like me, or I'm a fun person to be around, or I look good. I learned that if I let satan in, he'll take what I gave him and push in far past the line I drew, as deep as he can get. But I also learned that I can overcome that, if I remember the truth and dwell on that instead, trusting the Lord when He says that He made me in His image and although I'm not perfect because I'm human, He made no mistakes when He created me.
Lesson Three was the value of friendship. Nay, more than that. The value of life partnerships, support, and love between people. A kind of friendship that is much more than just the occasional coffee and movie night or walk on the beach. This girls' group is exactly that sort of friendship.
We meet at 7 or 7:30 every Saturday night. I've only gone two out of three weeks, but I feel so lightened when I leave each time that I'd almost rather go all night. Everyone who's attended has vocalized similar feelings. Essentially, right now it's a "if you knew me" group. I blogged about that particular show months ago, and now I find myself doing the same thing. We all know, or know of, each other, but for that two hours or so, we make a point to KNOW each other. Everything. Good, bad, and most important, the ugly. I shared about the two things I just wrote about. Others have shared about how they feel pressure to stand up to expectations, how they feel they have no one to lean on in their lives, and a multitude of other things we are normally taught not to 'burden others' with. Emotions run high - toilet paper is a necessity - but we laugh a lot too. We have sworn to hide nothing, to love everyone, to listen to anything - confidentially - and we have. And we've discovered the value of having a group of people who know when your life is full of crap.
The first week I went, we shared about our past and current struggles. Then we prayed as a group. Last night, we recapped and updated a little for some new people, and then we spent nearly three hours going around our circle of six or seven people, encouraging each other. The only rule was you had to make eye contact.. focus on one person at a time, and everyone shared something personal and uplifting with that individual. Nobody struggled to find anything to say, and tears flowed freely.. and for me, it really helped me to shake the idea that people don't love me for me, but because they 'should'. For twenty minutes, I had love poured on me from every corner of the room - and it was amazing. Life changing. Saturday nights are becoming the best nights of the week, and perhaps some of the best nights of my life thus far. Those girls and those hours mean so much to me.
I would encourage you to find at least one person, if not more, you can be completely honest with and spill anything and everything to. Remember that you're valuable, and although it's so hard for some reason to take compliments, when you get one, look that person in the eye and allow those words to sink in as you thank them.
I've had an incredible couple of weeks in my life. There are so many opportunities to learn about myself and about others. You have them too. Find them. Use them. Test them. Invest them.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
I'm A Child Again
Right this moment, my mother has just finished crying. I'm not sure what she was crying about - I never asked.It's not that I don't love my mother, or want to comfort her, or that I don't care... but my step dad was already there. And I realized something.
This is how I should've felt ten years ago.
My parents separated when I was four, and although my mother dated several men before finding the right man (who is amazing and they're about ten years together), she often felt alone and frusterated. Understandable, as a single mother of two young children (my sister was two years old), and having to provide all the necessities of life on her own. My father sent money and came to see us, but in the early years both cash and visits were somewhat scarce. (Past is past, and the situation improved, they now get along famously).
Throughout the six or so years we were a three person family, things often arose that stressed her out or made her cry, and as the oldest child and often the only one around she could talk to, I became her confidante in a lot of things, ranging from finances to work stress to anger with my dad over some thing he did or didn't do.
I don't blame her for that. It probably wasn't the best way to be raised, and we both realize it - but I'm glad to know that if I helped her get through it a little bit, then it was worth it. It also taught me a lot about communication and family dynamics, things I've communicated to others to help in their family situations. It showed me things I never would've learned otherwise about commitment, love, hardship, strength, and ultimately in later years, forgiveness.
Good or bad, I don't care. It is what it is, and no one can change the past. That's the way it was.. until now. Until I just realized something. This is how it would've felt, ten years ago, if things were different.
Because Tony is there, taking the role as husband, comforter, supporter - as he rightfully should - I don't have to. I could ask, and sometimes I do, but it's not my responsibility or obligation. I used to think it was, and it caused me to grow up a lot faster than some kids. Not that I mind taking it. My mom and I are best friends, and I'm okay with still being that person - occassionally.
But no longer all the time.
I'm sitting here, writing this, feeling free. Feeling like the child I used to be but never really was. I'm grateful for the chance to know what it feels like to let someone else, whose rightful position is such, be the person I used to try to be. To know that I know my mom loves me, and I love her, but that it's okay to let Tony step in and be her husband, that they need to do this together and maybe it's better if I just stay out.
I feel like a kid - and even if it's ten years late, I'm glad I know what it feels like to be a kid and to let my mom have what she needed so long ago.
Better late than never.
This is how I should've felt ten years ago.
My parents separated when I was four, and although my mother dated several men before finding the right man (who is amazing and they're about ten years together), she often felt alone and frusterated. Understandable, as a single mother of two young children (my sister was two years old), and having to provide all the necessities of life on her own. My father sent money and came to see us, but in the early years both cash and visits were somewhat scarce. (Past is past, and the situation improved, they now get along famously).
Throughout the six or so years we were a three person family, things often arose that stressed her out or made her cry, and as the oldest child and often the only one around she could talk to, I became her confidante in a lot of things, ranging from finances to work stress to anger with my dad over some thing he did or didn't do.
I don't blame her for that. It probably wasn't the best way to be raised, and we both realize it - but I'm glad to know that if I helped her get through it a little bit, then it was worth it. It also taught me a lot about communication and family dynamics, things I've communicated to others to help in their family situations. It showed me things I never would've learned otherwise about commitment, love, hardship, strength, and ultimately in later years, forgiveness.
Good or bad, I don't care. It is what it is, and no one can change the past. That's the way it was.. until now. Until I just realized something. This is how it would've felt, ten years ago, if things were different.
Because Tony is there, taking the role as husband, comforter, supporter - as he rightfully should - I don't have to. I could ask, and sometimes I do, but it's not my responsibility or obligation. I used to think it was, and it caused me to grow up a lot faster than some kids. Not that I mind taking it. My mom and I are best friends, and I'm okay with still being that person - occassionally.
But no longer all the time.
I'm sitting here, writing this, feeling free. Feeling like the child I used to be but never really was. I'm grateful for the chance to know what it feels like to let someone else, whose rightful position is such, be the person I used to try to be. To know that I know my mom loves me, and I love her, but that it's okay to let Tony step in and be her husband, that they need to do this together and maybe it's better if I just stay out.
I feel like a kid - and even if it's ten years late, I'm glad I know what it feels like to be a kid and to let my mom have what she needed so long ago.
Better late than never.
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