On Facebook, there is a new trend. Many folks are familiar with the 'quiz' notes, where you copy and paste a large question and answer sheet of sorts, and replace the answers with your own. The new thing is similar, but instead of notes, there is a "30 Day Challenge" where you post photos for specific categories. For example, Day 1 is "a picture of yourself with 15 facts about you." Others include something you love, something you hate, someone you've been friends with the longest, etc.
Day 18, for the one I did, requires you to post a photo of 'your biggest insecurity." The person I copied the challenge from had a picture of a lady measuring her waistline, and I'm sure many would think and choose a picture along similiar lines. Unfortunately, I'm not one of those.
The photo I posted was of a big sign that says, "LIAR." With each photo, I wrote a small description explaining it. I'll repost that day's here:
This is a little complicated and will sound weird, but I'm always worrying about and fearing that when people tell me I'm talented, or beautiful, or honest, or anything like that, that although they may mean it somehow they're deceived and that I'm not the person they think I am. That they don't actually know what they're saying or who they're saying it to/about, that I'm just your average person with nothing to set me apart from the populace and make me special and worth remembering.
My biggest fear and insecurity lies in exactly that - lies. I am so afraid that people are wrong and misguided when they compliment me that I don't allow myself to believe any of it. I worry that they don't know the real me - someone who is just a regular person with nothing to shine about - and that they think I'm better than I really am.
But.
Somewhere, deep inside a tiny cupboard in my heart, there is a voice that whispers to my head, "You are worthy of that compliment. They're right. You ARE good at this. You ARE worth it. You ARE the person she thinks you are, that he knows you to be."
If it wasn't for that little voice bolstering my confidence and telling me that I can push past these LIES that I'm being fed, I have no idea where I'd be today. But it's there, and I know that even though I struggle with accepting praise and believing in myself every day, the Good Lord is there in that cupboard with me and together, we'll kick the devil's head in, and maybe some day, his voice will go too.
Until that day comes, I've developed a little battle strategy. I keep things. Save comments. There's a whole legion of texts on my phone that I won't delete. Birthday cards, graduation cards, yearbooks, letters. Anything that makes me laugh or feel good about who I am gets added to this.. idea.
I call it.. well, I guess it doesn't really have a name. But it saves me on days when I feel like there's nothing in me left to be proud of. It's my little list of pick me ups.. all over my wall, my Facebook, my phone, my room, my life. I'll give you a small example here (some may recognize comments from themselves, etc, but for privacy's sake, no names will be mentioned.)
"The thing is babe, I am so proud of you, so very proud. You go to these places and touch people's lives and help them in a way I don't think I ever could and even though I know you get blessed back, I know that you are an amazing young lady touching lives all over the world and blessing those people. I look at all the lives here in Kelowna that you have touched and how many people love you and have been blessed by your friendship and hugs and I know that the little corner in Africa that you are going to will never be the same after you have been there."
"Seeing and watching you grow over the last year has been amazing. I am proud to call you a friend and to have you in my life. You put a smile on my face every time I see you. Your joy and happiness are overflowing. Keep it that way!"
"I want to say that you've been a great friend all through school and you're not only extremely thoughtful but you're also extremely brave. You've never been afraid to pray in class, to stand in front of worship, or to speak your mind. I admire that about you, and I hope you don't lose those characteristics. You're also very smart and intelligent. ... Anyway I just want to say that ever since I've been at HCS you've always been extremely friendly. You're easy to talk to and I'm glad I've gotten to know you."
"Don't ever forget about our Morning Star retreats, ok? We hung out in the dark, attempting to scare people. I hung on to your arm for support, because I knew that you would never leave my side. Thanks Ash for being there.."
"Oh my! You are quite the artist!"
"Good night, beautiful."
"You know, I really want to tell you that you're depriving a really lucky guy of a wonderful girlfriend, but I admire your high standards."
"That's called being hypercritical. People are friends with you because you're funny and pretty and caring and always know just what to say when someone is feeling down."
"Dangit, where are you? I need someone pretty and single to dance with."
"I still like you, Ash. Nothing can't stop that."
"No, thank you Ash. You're a great friend."
"It didn't surprise me you said you are a writer. You are very intelligent. and pure souled.. be proud of that."
"I love you because you're kind and caring and you remember me when sometimes even my best friends don't."
There's a lot more, but some wouldn't even make sense to anyone but me. However, that's a goodly percentage of my little list. This is what I look at when I feel like I'm not worth it. God didn't bless me with people in my life to encourage me, just so that I could ignore them.
I would suggest that you do the same as me, even if you don't struggle with the same things I do. Everyone has a down day once in a while. Even if you're happy, it's good to know why you're loved.
And when you're feeling full of love and acceptance, it's easy to reciprocate it to others..
Maybe you can go make someone else's 'feel good list' a little longer today, yourself.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
And He Will Guide Me
Destiny seems like such a... sort of fairy tale word to me, or something out of mainstream India, where karma is huge. I wouldn't say I believe your life choices are set before you're even born.. but what about foreordination?
One means ". The inevitable or necessary fate to which a particular person or thing is destined; one's lot," and the other, "To determine or appoint beforehand; predestine." Can you guess which is which?
There is hardly any difference, it's true - but that's what makes ALL the difference. Destiny is inevitable. Meaning that there is no possible way you could get out of it. However, something foreordained is only appointed - you can break appointments.
They both could lead to the same destination - but one word gives you the ability to opt out, while the other does not.
I've been contemplating the idea and meaning of destiny and other like-minded words. The Bible clearly states that God has a plan for each person (Jeremiah 29:11), and it may likewise be inferred that if He has a plan for each person, He has a plan for the world. However, it also teaches that we can and should choose what we are going to do (Deut. 30:19).
That, at first, would seem contradictory. However, when I was in Bible school, one of the teachers presented an idea that made much sense. He said that God does, indeed, have a plan, and that we each are part of it. However, the free choice part comes in this way. Let's say God has Plan 2449B, and you are the one He chose to complete it. You're person A. Now, free choice - you can either go with it, or choose not to. If you choose not to, God's plan will still get completed - He'll just have to use someone else, who maybe isn't quite so fit for the position as you would've been. But it gets done.
Another guest speaker shared a dream that she'd had as a young lady with us. In it, she dreamt that she was in a room full of babies yet to be born, yea, even yet to have their families 'assigned' (for lack of a better word). He would go to each one, and tell it about the life He wanted to place it into: "This family has drug and alcohol abuse, but I want to place you here because there will be younger children who will look up to you and I know you will be strong enough." "This family travels a lot, but you will get to meet tons of people and share your experiences all over the world with others."
Every family had its own good and bad, ups and downs. God took each prospective child and told them exactly what kind of a life he or she would have. He would then say, "I think you are the best person for this family, and you will be exactly what they need. Are you willing?"
I have my own little story, too.
Three years ago, my sister's best friend transferred to another school. My sister was very lonely without her, so the year after, she transferred as well. They both joined cheerleading, and through the team met some really awesome people and made a lot of new friends.
Enter me. I wasn't too involved in their cheer or school until the end of last year, but over the summer and throughout this year, I've gotten to know a lot of their friends, been to competitions, and attended nearly every practice.
It has come about that several of the kids on the team have needed an older sister/friend/confidante/whatever you want to call it, and that has become me. Two boys in particular have come to me with many of their problems and frustrations, and I'm building a stronger relationship with a few girls as well. Our mother has become a much of a second parent to many of them as well.
My thought this past week has been this: were Alexis and Kelsey foreordained to change schools, so that they would eventually join the cheer team, and we would meet these kids that chose us when they didn't have anyone else at those times?
We still have a choice. I could choose, even now, to stop talking to those boys and to quit attending practices. I could choose to tell them to get lost and find someone else to listen.
But, if God put them in my path and I can help them...
If He thinks I'm the best person, in that situation, that can reach them and be what they need..
Are you willing?
I am. If I'm the one they're gonna trust, I want to take pride in the fact that God thinks I'm good enough - no, that I am the best option out of the 6 billion people in this world. I want to make sure I'm prepared, with solid information and advice, so that their lives will improve when they learn how to communicate and problem solve with help from my example.
Are you? You don't have to believe that you were created for a purpose, or placed in a specific situation at a specific time, if you don't want to. It won't change anything.
But. If you DO choose to believe. If you choose to believe that you, more than any other person on the planet, were placed in the situation you're in because God knew you could change it - doesn't that make you invaluable?
Sometimes all it takes is a reversal of perspective.. instead of being the bearer of people's problems, you're now part of the solution.
Are you willing?
One means ". The inevitable or necessary fate to which a particular person or thing is destined; one's lot," and the other, "To determine or appoint beforehand; predestine." Can you guess which is which?
There is hardly any difference, it's true - but that's what makes ALL the difference. Destiny is inevitable. Meaning that there is no possible way you could get out of it. However, something foreordained is only appointed - you can break appointments.
They both could lead to the same destination - but one word gives you the ability to opt out, while the other does not.
I've been contemplating the idea and meaning of destiny and other like-minded words. The Bible clearly states that God has a plan for each person (Jeremiah 29:11), and it may likewise be inferred that if He has a plan for each person, He has a plan for the world. However, it also teaches that we can and should choose what we are going to do (Deut. 30:19).
That, at first, would seem contradictory. However, when I was in Bible school, one of the teachers presented an idea that made much sense. He said that God does, indeed, have a plan, and that we each are part of it. However, the free choice part comes in this way. Let's say God has Plan 2449B, and you are the one He chose to complete it. You're person A. Now, free choice - you can either go with it, or choose not to. If you choose not to, God's plan will still get completed - He'll just have to use someone else, who maybe isn't quite so fit for the position as you would've been. But it gets done.
Another guest speaker shared a dream that she'd had as a young lady with us. In it, she dreamt that she was in a room full of babies yet to be born, yea, even yet to have their families 'assigned' (for lack of a better word). He would go to each one, and tell it about the life He wanted to place it into: "This family has drug and alcohol abuse, but I want to place you here because there will be younger children who will look up to you and I know you will be strong enough." "This family travels a lot, but you will get to meet tons of people and share your experiences all over the world with others."
Every family had its own good and bad, ups and downs. God took each prospective child and told them exactly what kind of a life he or she would have. He would then say, "I think you are the best person for this family, and you will be exactly what they need. Are you willing?"
I have my own little story, too.
Three years ago, my sister's best friend transferred to another school. My sister was very lonely without her, so the year after, she transferred as well. They both joined cheerleading, and through the team met some really awesome people and made a lot of new friends.
Enter me. I wasn't too involved in their cheer or school until the end of last year, but over the summer and throughout this year, I've gotten to know a lot of their friends, been to competitions, and attended nearly every practice.
It has come about that several of the kids on the team have needed an older sister/friend/confidante/whatever you want to call it, and that has become me. Two boys in particular have come to me with many of their problems and frustrations, and I'm building a stronger relationship with a few girls as well. Our mother has become a much of a second parent to many of them as well.
My thought this past week has been this: were Alexis and Kelsey foreordained to change schools, so that they would eventually join the cheer team, and we would meet these kids that chose us when they didn't have anyone else at those times?
We still have a choice. I could choose, even now, to stop talking to those boys and to quit attending practices. I could choose to tell them to get lost and find someone else to listen.
But, if God put them in my path and I can help them...
If He thinks I'm the best person, in that situation, that can reach them and be what they need..
Are you willing?
I am. If I'm the one they're gonna trust, I want to take pride in the fact that God thinks I'm good enough - no, that I am the best option out of the 6 billion people in this world. I want to make sure I'm prepared, with solid information and advice, so that their lives will improve when they learn how to communicate and problem solve with help from my example.
Are you? You don't have to believe that you were created for a purpose, or placed in a specific situation at a specific time, if you don't want to. It won't change anything.
But. If you DO choose to believe. If you choose to believe that you, more than any other person on the planet, were placed in the situation you're in because God knew you could change it - doesn't that make you invaluable?
Sometimes all it takes is a reversal of perspective.. instead of being the bearer of people's problems, you're now part of the solution.
Are you willing?
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Trust (Un)Worthy
My brother introduced me to a band called Rise Against. They have a song entitled, "From Heads Unworthy". It's got quite a bit in the way of good lyrics (recommended listening if you don't mind rock), but it's the chorus in particular that gets me.
As your castles crumble slowly
We watch them fall
The crown slips from heads unworthy
As we gain control.
I'm currently reading a book on the six wives of Henry VIII, so you can imagine that the immediate connection is made. To me, the obvious question presents itself:
What makes a head unworthy - then, or now?
For it wasn't only in the past that 'crowns' were gained or lost by reasons of virtue or goodwill. We might not have literal crowns today (for the most part), but the idea they represent is still very real.
Crowns represent authority, but they also represent a faith of sorts. I don't mean religious faith, but rather more of a belief in the person who wears it; they will treat you fairly, take your interests and concerns to heart, deal with problems that arise, that sort of thing. That they'll be worthy of the trust you've placed in them by allowing them the 'crown'.
I've been thinking a lot about trust these last few weeks. What exactly is it? How do you define trust? I think the explanation of a crown that I just gave is satisfactory enough... if you're just trying to arrive at a very basic idea. However, trust is not just a nice idea. Not just an emotion. To me, it's a tangible thing. Something that is given, taken, felt, and used. It has weight. A lot of it.
What does it take to make a person trustworthy? To me, it's all about that confidentiality agreement. You know, the one you sign when you open a bank account, go to a lawyer or a doctor.. yeah, them. There are, or should be, in my opinion, confidentiality agreements between friends.
You see, you trust a lawyer or a doctor because you have to, because they know a lot about something that you don't and therefore cannot handle adequately. You might not like the guy, but you have to trust his opinion as a trained professional (theoretically, I know there's such things as second opinions!). You trust a friend because you want to.
But there are levels and limits. I do not tell everyone everything. The friend I met over the Internet, but never actually met, does not need to know my personal address <- common example. My coworkers don't need to know if my parents and I just had a fight (no, we didn't).
There are some people I've known for years and years that I would not tell things to, because I know they like to talk and I might not trust them to keep my confidences - or maybe they might, but somehow, friends find out and the fire is lit. I'm sure you've seen it happen. There are others I've known for less than a year that I would easily spill my guts to, because they've proven themselves able to discriminate between what should and shouldn't be repeated.
People have said that I'm trustworthy... but I'm still trying to figure out what classifies me as such. What makes a 16 year old girl come to ask my advice in regards to telling her father she's found a boy she'd like to date? An 18 year old boy come to me first when he's hung over and needs someone just to be there? A 21 year old man ask my opinion on why his friend may not want him to make friends with a certain girl - a 40 year old mother request parenting advice on her teen who's pushing boundaries - a woman in her fifties, over YouTube, ask for my take on how to deal with her daughter's emotions after a difficult divorce?
All those examples are true. I don't have experience in relationships, so I can't account for a few of those. I've never parented teens - only taken care of children. I have been through divorce, but I was only four..
Why do they ask me?
I suppose it's because I've learned to listen. I've learned to watch, to not make mistakes others have exemplified for me. To follow the advice of people I respect. That the best option is never revenge, but compromise. That the more respect you give, the more you will get.
However, most important to me, and I think to others as well, is that I know how to keep a secret.
I think that's what more people in this world need than anything else - someone just to listen, to comment when asked, but not to repeat. To not judge, to understand, to sympathize, to just lend their shoulder if that's all that's needed... to be the friend we all wish we had, but often don't.
And you know something? The more I try to be that person for others, they are those people for me. That 18 year old is one of my best friends, and he often allows me just to sit - no questions, but recognizing that I just need someone there, to sit in silence and let me think it out. The 21 year old is the person I go to when I need to talk, when I'm frusterated, when I have questions floating about in my head.
That YouTube woman? I haven't talked to her in years. I think we only talked about two weeks, actually. But she called me her "little counselor." I took it to heart - I know I'm not the most knowledgable person on this planet, but I do have something. I share what I know when I can.
What about you? Are you anyone's "little counselor"? COULD you be? Are you trustworthy enough to allow other people to have faith that the crown will not slip from your head?
People will place that crown of trust on your head sooner or later... don't fail them.
As your castles crumble slowly
We watch them fall
The crown slips from heads unworthy
As we gain control.
I'm currently reading a book on the six wives of Henry VIII, so you can imagine that the immediate connection is made. To me, the obvious question presents itself:
What makes a head unworthy - then, or now?
For it wasn't only in the past that 'crowns' were gained or lost by reasons of virtue or goodwill. We might not have literal crowns today (for the most part), but the idea they represent is still very real.
Crowns represent authority, but they also represent a faith of sorts. I don't mean religious faith, but rather more of a belief in the person who wears it; they will treat you fairly, take your interests and concerns to heart, deal with problems that arise, that sort of thing. That they'll be worthy of the trust you've placed in them by allowing them the 'crown'.
I've been thinking a lot about trust these last few weeks. What exactly is it? How do you define trust? I think the explanation of a crown that I just gave is satisfactory enough... if you're just trying to arrive at a very basic idea. However, trust is not just a nice idea. Not just an emotion. To me, it's a tangible thing. Something that is given, taken, felt, and used. It has weight. A lot of it.
What does it take to make a person trustworthy? To me, it's all about that confidentiality agreement. You know, the one you sign when you open a bank account, go to a lawyer or a doctor.. yeah, them. There are, or should be, in my opinion, confidentiality agreements between friends.
You see, you trust a lawyer or a doctor because you have to, because they know a lot about something that you don't and therefore cannot handle adequately. You might not like the guy, but you have to trust his opinion as a trained professional (theoretically, I know there's such things as second opinions!). You trust a friend because you want to.
But there are levels and limits. I do not tell everyone everything. The friend I met over the Internet, but never actually met, does not need to know my personal address <- common example. My coworkers don't need to know if my parents and I just had a fight (no, we didn't).
There are some people I've known for years and years that I would not tell things to, because I know they like to talk and I might not trust them to keep my confidences - or maybe they might, but somehow, friends find out and the fire is lit. I'm sure you've seen it happen. There are others I've known for less than a year that I would easily spill my guts to, because they've proven themselves able to discriminate between what should and shouldn't be repeated.
People have said that I'm trustworthy... but I'm still trying to figure out what classifies me as such. What makes a 16 year old girl come to ask my advice in regards to telling her father she's found a boy she'd like to date? An 18 year old boy come to me first when he's hung over and needs someone just to be there? A 21 year old man ask my opinion on why his friend may not want him to make friends with a certain girl - a 40 year old mother request parenting advice on her teen who's pushing boundaries - a woman in her fifties, over YouTube, ask for my take on how to deal with her daughter's emotions after a difficult divorce?
All those examples are true. I don't have experience in relationships, so I can't account for a few of those. I've never parented teens - only taken care of children. I have been through divorce, but I was only four..
Why do they ask me?
I suppose it's because I've learned to listen. I've learned to watch, to not make mistakes others have exemplified for me. To follow the advice of people I respect. That the best option is never revenge, but compromise. That the more respect you give, the more you will get.
However, most important to me, and I think to others as well, is that I know how to keep a secret.
I think that's what more people in this world need than anything else - someone just to listen, to comment when asked, but not to repeat. To not judge, to understand, to sympathize, to just lend their shoulder if that's all that's needed... to be the friend we all wish we had, but often don't.
And you know something? The more I try to be that person for others, they are those people for me. That 18 year old is one of my best friends, and he often allows me just to sit - no questions, but recognizing that I just need someone there, to sit in silence and let me think it out. The 21 year old is the person I go to when I need to talk, when I'm frusterated, when I have questions floating about in my head.
That YouTube woman? I haven't talked to her in years. I think we only talked about two weeks, actually. But she called me her "little counselor." I took it to heart - I know I'm not the most knowledgable person on this planet, but I do have something. I share what I know when I can.
What about you? Are you anyone's "little counselor"? COULD you be? Are you trustworthy enough to allow other people to have faith that the crown will not slip from your head?
People will place that crown of trust on your head sooner or later... don't fail them.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
The Faithful Ones
I have been mucking my way through the quagmire of The Complete Illustrated Sherlock Holmes (Doyle, Arthur C. The Complete Illustrated Sherlock Holmes. First ed. London: CRW Publishing Limited, 2009. Print.) - if you care to know which edition exactly - for almost a month.
It's a huge book. Eight hundred and fifty-five pages, with font size 10 or 11 at most, and interspersed with penciled sketches averaging an eighth of a page, every second page or so. No space wasted, that's for sure.
It's interesting, but also a little tedius.. Sherlock Holmes is an amazing character and thinker, very round and in depth, but one can only read so many 19th-century mysteries before they cease to be exciting and fresh, and sink to the depths of mere melodrama. However, I've only 170 pages to go, and I fully intend to see it finished. I am and will always be devoted to the end.
Wait. Did that strike a chord with you? To the end. What does that imply? Nothing will stop the bearer of such words until his or her mission is complete.
Brazen, unabashed loyalty, that's what. A strong conviction and devotion to what one holds dear. Sherlock Holmes is chock full of it.
It seems like half the stories are either of spouses who were mistakenly identified as having been killed and had come to claim their better halves (who, of course are remarried and desirous to avoid scandal), or that the person was GOING to marry so and so but some vicious rival killed him/her and now said person has sworn revenge, and will stop at nothing to get it.
Loyalty, in any form - whether it be between a married couple, or a criminal to the rest of his gang - is quite impervious to me. Understanding eludes my grasp.. what makes a person so strong that they would face imprisonment, torture, a broken heart, or even death to save something or someone they were beholden to? Lovers do it, but so do soldiers. It can be choice, or it can be duty. It is a hard man whose soul betokens no loyalty to any object or personage - but what, dear fellows, is the cause?
Some situations exist where the reasons are easily perceived and comprehended. The previous example of a lover comes to mind. What about, though, those who are violated by the one they love and yet still hold the cords of love within their grasp?
Or, again, to the man of war. His duty it is to defend his homeland, but nothing save loyalty to the cause would charge him with staying in the line when every instinct screams for him to run.
I give you a personal and current example. I have often been called niave and too trusting of the people I am intimately aquainted with; many times it has resulted in my being the butt end of a joke because I erronously believed things said by my friends, even against my own better judgment. Why, you ask?
It is because I believe, in the very depths of my soul, that if I were not to engage my trust fully and explicitly in the ones I love, that I should dishonor our relationship. Even if a friend told me there was a piano "on the roof" (a truthful example), when we were indoors and I knew that it was an impossibility that a piano should be suspended from the ceiling, and yet I still turn to look, causing much laughter among the company; even then, when told a second time a half hour later, and even though I know such a thing is an absurdity and I certainly didn't see one the first time, I turn to look again.. it is because I hold trust, honesty, and loyalty in the highest regard.
I would not willingly believe that a friend would deceive me, even in fun, although it's happened more times than I can care to count. It seems to me the very epitome of disloyalty and repulsive behaviour if I were to disregard a friend as being untruthful, that somehow I've placed no stock in the depth of our relationship and aquaintance, that I should treat them so terribly.
Call me crazy - others have. But I can't do it. So I continue to serve as the punchline. And the question remains.. why?
Because. That is my picture of loyalty. I can't shake it; believe me, I've tried. But something is stronger and holds more true than the mocking of such a ridiculous person as I can be, and have been - and that is the love and regard of my friends, which only under extraordinary circumstances would I let slip.
What do you hold dear? What keeps you strong for that time when nothing else will? Why?
What does the word 'loyalty' mean to you?
It's a huge book. Eight hundred and fifty-five pages, with font size 10 or 11 at most, and interspersed with penciled sketches averaging an eighth of a page, every second page or so. No space wasted, that's for sure.
It's interesting, but also a little tedius.. Sherlock Holmes is an amazing character and thinker, very round and in depth, but one can only read so many 19th-century mysteries before they cease to be exciting and fresh, and sink to the depths of mere melodrama. However, I've only 170 pages to go, and I fully intend to see it finished. I am and will always be devoted to the end.
Wait. Did that strike a chord with you? To the end. What does that imply? Nothing will stop the bearer of such words until his or her mission is complete.
Brazen, unabashed loyalty, that's what. A strong conviction and devotion to what one holds dear. Sherlock Holmes is chock full of it.
It seems like half the stories are either of spouses who were mistakenly identified as having been killed and had come to claim their better halves (who, of course are remarried and desirous to avoid scandal), or that the person was GOING to marry so and so but some vicious rival killed him/her and now said person has sworn revenge, and will stop at nothing to get it.
Loyalty, in any form - whether it be between a married couple, or a criminal to the rest of his gang - is quite impervious to me. Understanding eludes my grasp.. what makes a person so strong that they would face imprisonment, torture, a broken heart, or even death to save something or someone they were beholden to? Lovers do it, but so do soldiers. It can be choice, or it can be duty. It is a hard man whose soul betokens no loyalty to any object or personage - but what, dear fellows, is the cause?
Some situations exist where the reasons are easily perceived and comprehended. The previous example of a lover comes to mind. What about, though, those who are violated by the one they love and yet still hold the cords of love within their grasp?
Or, again, to the man of war. His duty it is to defend his homeland, but nothing save loyalty to the cause would charge him with staying in the line when every instinct screams for him to run.
I give you a personal and current example. I have often been called niave and too trusting of the people I am intimately aquainted with; many times it has resulted in my being the butt end of a joke because I erronously believed things said by my friends, even against my own better judgment. Why, you ask?
It is because I believe, in the very depths of my soul, that if I were not to engage my trust fully and explicitly in the ones I love, that I should dishonor our relationship. Even if a friend told me there was a piano "on the roof" (a truthful example), when we were indoors and I knew that it was an impossibility that a piano should be suspended from the ceiling, and yet I still turn to look, causing much laughter among the company; even then, when told a second time a half hour later, and even though I know such a thing is an absurdity and I certainly didn't see one the first time, I turn to look again.. it is because I hold trust, honesty, and loyalty in the highest regard.
I would not willingly believe that a friend would deceive me, even in fun, although it's happened more times than I can care to count. It seems to me the very epitome of disloyalty and repulsive behaviour if I were to disregard a friend as being untruthful, that somehow I've placed no stock in the depth of our relationship and aquaintance, that I should treat them so terribly.
Call me crazy - others have. But I can't do it. So I continue to serve as the punchline. And the question remains.. why?
Because. That is my picture of loyalty. I can't shake it; believe me, I've tried. But something is stronger and holds more true than the mocking of such a ridiculous person as I can be, and have been - and that is the love and regard of my friends, which only under extraordinary circumstances would I let slip.
What do you hold dear? What keeps you strong for that time when nothing else will? Why?
What does the word 'loyalty' mean to you?
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Two Lenses
You know those people? The ones who just hold to an opinion or point of view because that's just what they think or believe and there ain't no way 'round it? The ones who are usually wrong?
Yeah. Those ones. I don't understand them.
I mean.. well, not that I can't exactly. I can sometimes comprehend what caused them to think that way. Perhaps they were exposed to information or experiences that caused that opinion. But things have changed now. Situations have gotten better, or disappeared, or what have you. Now, it's time for them to change, too.
I blogged about my wrongful opinion of buses about a month ago. Relevant, yes... but now I'm moving on to something bigger. Something better. Something a lot more important.
People.
I have this one friend.. at least, I think we're friends right now. I haven't talked to her much, but the last time I saw her we seemed to be on good terms. However, as far as I could perceive, that wasn't always true. I've known her for I'd say a good four or five years, and every so often something would happen... a word or look directed at me that would just have "I don't like you" written all over it. I don't know why. I've searched my brain for a reason, but I can't recall anything I've done. I just get that impression that she dislikes me - and I have no idea why.
I have some other people I know who I've heard say similar things.. "I don't like so and so." "Why not?" "I don't know, I just don't."
I know I also blogged on this once before.. but I was focusing then on the way that the disliked people feel when they are shunned for no good reason. Tonight, I'm on the other side of the line... if you don't have a reason, why are you continuing to shun people?
As far as I'm concerned, it's all about changing yourself. Changing your own opinion.
Even if you have a reason. Things don't always change, but that doesn't mean they can't.
Good example: fight between friends. Regardless of the reason, they no longer like each other. Both feel wronged, angry, hurt. However, what happens if a little time passes, some thoughts enter one of their heads, and they decide that they're going to apologize for their end of the argument? Or some new information comes to light, and things turn out to be considerably different?
What if someone tries to make it right, but the other persists in disliking them, and rejects their advances toward repairing and rebuilding the relationship?
My own personal example:
When I was younger, I had a substitute teacher for one of my elective classes. She was younger and although great at what she teaching, as far as I know wasn't an actual teacher. That doesn't matter so much. What does matter is that one class, I got there just in time for it to start, according to the school's clock. However, said teacher pulled out her cell phone and said, "You're late." My friend looked at her watch, and according to it, I was early. I tried to explain that the clock in the school, as opposed to the one in the room in the church we were using, said I was on time, as did my friend's watch. I probably wasn't as polite as I could've been, but I generally try to be respectful, and I remember being angry but trying to communicate without being rude. However, according to Teacher, I was late and therefore was punished with lines.
I was furious. I moved to the corner of the room, finished writing them out, and stretched by myself - refusing to rejoin when I was asked to; not until I was ready. Although, I don't think I was ready. I think I just sucked it up and did it.
I never did like that girl again. She was quite young, early 20's. I never saw her for years, but whenever someone mentioned her name (she was an attendee of my church and quite popular among some of the older students and graduates of my school), I felt a repugnant shudder course through my body and streams of hate burst forth; that one incedent ruined any relationship we might've had.
Years later, I meet a guy in my Bible school class. He seems pretty cool, and although it takes a little while to get him to talk, we strike up a friendship. Imagine my dismay, then, when I find out he's married to that woman. THE woman. That young woman that gave me punishment I felt I didn't deserve. That woman I disliked probably more than anyone else.
Great.
However, he was cool, suave, chill. I learned that they were fairly newly married. I was confused, but I didn't tell anyone. How could someone who was that cool marry someone like her? Believe me, I thought about it a LOT. The idea slowly presented itself to me. She couldn't possibly be as terrible as all that, if this man I respected liked her, LOVED her, enough to marry her.
Fine. Maybe I was wrong.. she probably wasn't the witch I'd made her out to be in my own mind. I could handle that idea.. it didn't matter anyways, since I never saw her and didn't expect to.
Guess what. Wrong there, too. Who do you think was the person selected to teach us our drama for Africa? Horrible-memory-teacher-lady. Yeah.
However, I'd hope to say that I've grown and matured some in almost ten years. So, even though those disturbing feelings returned, I bit my tongue and made the effort to get to know her. Nobody else I knew disliked her.. she was friends with people I knew, and again, this dude I considered an older brother, wise, energetic, helpful, kind.. married her.
I had to change. And you know, I was right.
She isn't a witch.
I will admit that I can see traces of what made me dislike her that day, so long ago. However, if I choose to look at her as a friend instead of an enemy, they really are insignificant. There's a pretty decent age gap between us, so I've had a bit of a challenge in getting to know her. I'm still trying to set up a time to hang out with her and her husband, because I don't want to lose the friendship with the one, and I want to finish that cycle of rebuilding an opinion with the other. I want to fully and finally prove to myself that first impressions aren't always correct.
What would it take for you? Is there someone you just can't stand, or simply tolerate because you have the same circle of friends? Would changing your perspective... looking for something in common with that person... pointing out their positive traits... would that maybe gain you a friend you never thought you had?
Maybe it would even make life better for other people in your life.. nobody likes those awkward situations where two people who would rather not be in the same room get invited to a party or something similar.
Maybe you can be the bigger person today. Maybe you can change your world by changing the way you look at it. Pick someone. Now go try.
Yeah. Those ones. I don't understand them.
I mean.. well, not that I can't exactly. I can sometimes comprehend what caused them to think that way. Perhaps they were exposed to information or experiences that caused that opinion. But things have changed now. Situations have gotten better, or disappeared, or what have you. Now, it's time for them to change, too.
I blogged about my wrongful opinion of buses about a month ago. Relevant, yes... but now I'm moving on to something bigger. Something better. Something a lot more important.
People.
I have this one friend.. at least, I think we're friends right now. I haven't talked to her much, but the last time I saw her we seemed to be on good terms. However, as far as I could perceive, that wasn't always true. I've known her for I'd say a good four or five years, and every so often something would happen... a word or look directed at me that would just have "I don't like you" written all over it. I don't know why. I've searched my brain for a reason, but I can't recall anything I've done. I just get that impression that she dislikes me - and I have no idea why.
I have some other people I know who I've heard say similar things.. "I don't like so and so." "Why not?" "I don't know, I just don't."
I know I also blogged on this once before.. but I was focusing then on the way that the disliked people feel when they are shunned for no good reason. Tonight, I'm on the other side of the line... if you don't have a reason, why are you continuing to shun people?
As far as I'm concerned, it's all about changing yourself. Changing your own opinion.
Even if you have a reason. Things don't always change, but that doesn't mean they can't.
Good example: fight between friends. Regardless of the reason, they no longer like each other. Both feel wronged, angry, hurt. However, what happens if a little time passes, some thoughts enter one of their heads, and they decide that they're going to apologize for their end of the argument? Or some new information comes to light, and things turn out to be considerably different?
What if someone tries to make it right, but the other persists in disliking them, and rejects their advances toward repairing and rebuilding the relationship?
My own personal example:
When I was younger, I had a substitute teacher for one of my elective classes. She was younger and although great at what she teaching, as far as I know wasn't an actual teacher. That doesn't matter so much. What does matter is that one class, I got there just in time for it to start, according to the school's clock. However, said teacher pulled out her cell phone and said, "You're late." My friend looked at her watch, and according to it, I was early. I tried to explain that the clock in the school, as opposed to the one in the room in the church we were using, said I was on time, as did my friend's watch. I probably wasn't as polite as I could've been, but I generally try to be respectful, and I remember being angry but trying to communicate without being rude. However, according to Teacher, I was late and therefore was punished with lines.
I was furious. I moved to the corner of the room, finished writing them out, and stretched by myself - refusing to rejoin when I was asked to; not until I was ready. Although, I don't think I was ready. I think I just sucked it up and did it.
I never did like that girl again. She was quite young, early 20's. I never saw her for years, but whenever someone mentioned her name (she was an attendee of my church and quite popular among some of the older students and graduates of my school), I felt a repugnant shudder course through my body and streams of hate burst forth; that one incedent ruined any relationship we might've had.
Years later, I meet a guy in my Bible school class. He seems pretty cool, and although it takes a little while to get him to talk, we strike up a friendship. Imagine my dismay, then, when I find out he's married to that woman. THE woman. That young woman that gave me punishment I felt I didn't deserve. That woman I disliked probably more than anyone else.
Great.
However, he was cool, suave, chill. I learned that they were fairly newly married. I was confused, but I didn't tell anyone. How could someone who was that cool marry someone like her? Believe me, I thought about it a LOT. The idea slowly presented itself to me. She couldn't possibly be as terrible as all that, if this man I respected liked her, LOVED her, enough to marry her.
Fine. Maybe I was wrong.. she probably wasn't the witch I'd made her out to be in my own mind. I could handle that idea.. it didn't matter anyways, since I never saw her and didn't expect to.
Guess what. Wrong there, too. Who do you think was the person selected to teach us our drama for Africa? Horrible-memory-teacher-lady. Yeah.
However, I'd hope to say that I've grown and matured some in almost ten years. So, even though those disturbing feelings returned, I bit my tongue and made the effort to get to know her. Nobody else I knew disliked her.. she was friends with people I knew, and again, this dude I considered an older brother, wise, energetic, helpful, kind.. married her.
I had to change. And you know, I was right.
She isn't a witch.
I will admit that I can see traces of what made me dislike her that day, so long ago. However, if I choose to look at her as a friend instead of an enemy, they really are insignificant. There's a pretty decent age gap between us, so I've had a bit of a challenge in getting to know her. I'm still trying to set up a time to hang out with her and her husband, because I don't want to lose the friendship with the one, and I want to finish that cycle of rebuilding an opinion with the other. I want to fully and finally prove to myself that first impressions aren't always correct.
What would it take for you? Is there someone you just can't stand, or simply tolerate because you have the same circle of friends? Would changing your perspective... looking for something in common with that person... pointing out their positive traits... would that maybe gain you a friend you never thought you had?
Maybe it would even make life better for other people in your life.. nobody likes those awkward situations where two people who would rather not be in the same room get invited to a party or something similar.
Maybe you can be the bigger person today. Maybe you can change your world by changing the way you look at it. Pick someone. Now go try.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Double Sided and Dual Minded
The past few weeks, I've been thinking a lot about duplicity. It started.. well, I'm not too sure how it started, actually; the thought came to a head when I went to update my other blog the second time. (Didn't know I have a second blog? Check it out: http://www.onionsandotherthoughts.tumblr.com/ )
This second blog was fairly recent in starting, and I update it much less regularly. It has a different purpose than this, and I have separated them entirely because of it. The other blog is comprised of quotes and passages that have made me think or mean a lot to me; it's got a different layout, different material, and a different webhost altogether.
This thought, duplicity, came to me, as I said, when I went to update Blog 2 a second time. I'm not too familiar with Tumblr on the whole, and I was having issues figuring out how to customize the look of the page, etc. Onions was beautifully color-coordinated (have you ever noticed it's roughly the color of onions?), the posts were nicely separated by title and easy to access, etc. The other was a bland, basic white page, with black words down the middle. Squished together and running into each other.
I felt like I was living two different lives when I saw this.
Imagine with me that someone visits this page, Onions, that you are currently reading. They don't know me at all, but they see a page built by someone who seems to be well known to the world of Blogger and posts often. There are comments throughout, posting thoughtful responses to thoughtful articles. (At least, I think they're thoughtful.. they take a lot of thinking through for me before I sufficiently know what my opinion is before I post it!)
Then, they somehow stumble, through a link on Facebook or something, onto the other Blog, Other Thoughts. While still having some good content, this person's opinion of the writer of both has just dropped a few points, because while Onions is well laid out and easy to navigate, this page, Other Thoughts, is devoid of color, personality, and any medium of organization. It's like I'm putting up a front on Onions, whilst Other Thoughts reveals the reality of a slovenly and roguish person who doesn't care enough to fix up the page that people don't visit as often.
That may not be true, but that's how I feel. Even after learning a bit about how Tumblr works, and changing my theme and appearance, the page still looks terrible to me in comparison with this. I feel like I'm somehow living a lie, one that I've created.
I know it seems ridiculous - but then again, does it? A blog might not be so crucial to your opinion of me, but it's not the only example of dual mindedness I've recognized in the past weeks. Two others, very common, have struck their notes in my sheet of music.
The first is that of the workplace. I posted a few weeks ago about how one of my coworkers may have left his family. Turns out it's true. He's reminded me of that on days when I'm not smiling and seem to be down, or just not the usual happy-go-lucky personage I've displayed for them. He's told me, "I don't know who I'm seeing... this is not Ashleigh." We've had a few conversations about leaving our outside life baggage at the door when we come to work.
In a way, it's true. The Ashleigh that strides through the door nowadays is not the same Ashleigh that did when I first started - but it's also true that I really have nothing to leave at the door. It simply is that the novelty has worn off for me. I still like my job and I love the people at work, but I'm just not as excited to go anymore, and it takes more effort to find something to make my day as enjoyable and exciting as it was before. It doesn't come as often, and for that reason, they don't see the me they used to see nearly as much.
Second example is that of Christmas itself. I'm sure you yourself are a little more stressed out about gifts, money, family plans, and all the other details of the holiday season than you probably let on. It is our habitual cultural norm to smile through clenched teeth when asked if we're looking forward to Christmas and say, "Why, of course! Who isn't?" You may actually be looking forward to it, and I hope you are, but Christmas is never simple enough to allow for the stress free answer that the television paints as reality.
When Christmas finally does come, so do the subtle untruths about gifts received that really don't do much for you, but you can't offend the giver. Or that family member you're upset with and have to pretend you're their best friend when seated beside them at the Christmas dinner table. Or traditions that clash, because half the family doesn't believe in Christ, or opens their gifts before breakfast as opposed to after.
I'm aware that this isn't Christmas for everyone, but I'd be willing to bet that it is, at least partially, for more than just two or three. If this isn't you, you are blessed - give thanks. :) For the rest of us.. what can we do about it? That's what I've been wondering.
These are my thoughts. What counts as duplicity - and when is it okay? There are moments where we have to withhold our opinions, to fake it until we make it, whether it be Christmas, a barbeque at the boss' house.. we all have times where it just won't do to say what we're really thinking. But some days are embossed in shades of grey. What draws the line? When it is safe to really be the people we feel like? If we don't, does it mean we're lying, scheming, underhanded ruffians; or are we just trying to save face - both ours and others'?
Will it change your opinion of me to find out that I have a second blog that isn't as pretty as this one?
I don't know. Tough questions usually require even more difficult answers.
This second blog was fairly recent in starting, and I update it much less regularly. It has a different purpose than this, and I have separated them entirely because of it. The other blog is comprised of quotes and passages that have made me think or mean a lot to me; it's got a different layout, different material, and a different webhost altogether.
This thought, duplicity, came to me, as I said, when I went to update Blog 2 a second time. I'm not too familiar with Tumblr on the whole, and I was having issues figuring out how to customize the look of the page, etc. Onions was beautifully color-coordinated (have you ever noticed it's roughly the color of onions?), the posts were nicely separated by title and easy to access, etc. The other was a bland, basic white page, with black words down the middle. Squished together and running into each other.
I felt like I was living two different lives when I saw this.
Imagine with me that someone visits this page, Onions, that you are currently reading. They don't know me at all, but they see a page built by someone who seems to be well known to the world of Blogger and posts often. There are comments throughout, posting thoughtful responses to thoughtful articles. (At least, I think they're thoughtful.. they take a lot of thinking through for me before I sufficiently know what my opinion is before I post it!)
Then, they somehow stumble, through a link on Facebook or something, onto the other Blog, Other Thoughts. While still having some good content, this person's opinion of the writer of both has just dropped a few points, because while Onions is well laid out and easy to navigate, this page, Other Thoughts, is devoid of color, personality, and any medium of organization. It's like I'm putting up a front on Onions, whilst Other Thoughts reveals the reality of a slovenly and roguish person who doesn't care enough to fix up the page that people don't visit as often.
That may not be true, but that's how I feel. Even after learning a bit about how Tumblr works, and changing my theme and appearance, the page still looks terrible to me in comparison with this. I feel like I'm somehow living a lie, one that I've created.
I know it seems ridiculous - but then again, does it? A blog might not be so crucial to your opinion of me, but it's not the only example of dual mindedness I've recognized in the past weeks. Two others, very common, have struck their notes in my sheet of music.
The first is that of the workplace. I posted a few weeks ago about how one of my coworkers may have left his family. Turns out it's true. He's reminded me of that on days when I'm not smiling and seem to be down, or just not the usual happy-go-lucky personage I've displayed for them. He's told me, "I don't know who I'm seeing... this is not Ashleigh." We've had a few conversations about leaving our outside life baggage at the door when we come to work.
In a way, it's true. The Ashleigh that strides through the door nowadays is not the same Ashleigh that did when I first started - but it's also true that I really have nothing to leave at the door. It simply is that the novelty has worn off for me. I still like my job and I love the people at work, but I'm just not as excited to go anymore, and it takes more effort to find something to make my day as enjoyable and exciting as it was before. It doesn't come as often, and for that reason, they don't see the me they used to see nearly as much.
Second example is that of Christmas itself. I'm sure you yourself are a little more stressed out about gifts, money, family plans, and all the other details of the holiday season than you probably let on. It is our habitual cultural norm to smile through clenched teeth when asked if we're looking forward to Christmas and say, "Why, of course! Who isn't?" You may actually be looking forward to it, and I hope you are, but Christmas is never simple enough to allow for the stress free answer that the television paints as reality.
When Christmas finally does come, so do the subtle untruths about gifts received that really don't do much for you, but you can't offend the giver. Or that family member you're upset with and have to pretend you're their best friend when seated beside them at the Christmas dinner table. Or traditions that clash, because half the family doesn't believe in Christ, or opens their gifts before breakfast as opposed to after.
I'm aware that this isn't Christmas for everyone, but I'd be willing to bet that it is, at least partially, for more than just two or three. If this isn't you, you are blessed - give thanks. :) For the rest of us.. what can we do about it? That's what I've been wondering.
These are my thoughts. What counts as duplicity - and when is it okay? There are moments where we have to withhold our opinions, to fake it until we make it, whether it be Christmas, a barbeque at the boss' house.. we all have times where it just won't do to say what we're really thinking. But some days are embossed in shades of grey. What draws the line? When it is safe to really be the people we feel like? If we don't, does it mean we're lying, scheming, underhanded ruffians; or are we just trying to save face - both ours and others'?
Will it change your opinion of me to find out that I have a second blog that isn't as pretty as this one?
I don't know. Tough questions usually require even more difficult answers.
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Patience Is Practiced
Twenty seven minutes.
That's the length of time that must transpire before my life changes permanently. It's not really a big change, but at the same time, it's a huge change.
I am celebrating my twentieth birthday in twenty seven minutes. Actually, make that twenty four, now.
For my birthday, there is a card in a washed-out peach color sitting upon my bookshelf. It catches my attention every time I look at the shelf, which means every time I enter my bedroom; the light, solid peach contrasts starkly against the blackened plastic covering of the particle boards from which my shelf is constructed.
On this envelope, there is writing. My name, on the one side. Ashleigh LaPlante. (Note, in passing, that my family usually does not capitalize the 'P' in my last name.) On the other, written on the edge of the triangle piece that opens the envelope, is written, "Do not open until Dec. 12th. :P "
This envelope has been occupying its space on my shelf for four days. Likewise, for four days I have been tempted, sometimes sorely as the day grows ever closer, to open it. I am quite sure it contains a birthday card; the question is, from whom?
I have my theories, but nothing is proven because the envelope remains unopened. I was telling my brother about it, and how excited I was to see the contents, and he suggested I just run downstairs and open it. Which I have thought about more than once.
But what should that tell about me? That I had not the patience to wait until the designated day, that I did not respect the wishes of the sender, whomever they may be?
I thought long and hard about why I wasn't opening it, and this is what conclusion I've come to. If I open this envelope, I have let my impatience overpower me. I have let a piece of paper dictate what I will do and when, because I couldn't stand to wait just a few days.
That is intolerable.
If I can't force myself to wait four days to open an envelope, what will happen in the future, when something comes along that I must exercise patience for? What if an opportunity presents itself, but because I haven't practiced patience and been faithful in the small things, I am not in the large? What happens if I lose said opportunity because I did something too fast, if the situation changes because I chose not to wait?
No. I am not one to allow a mere envelope to control me, to defeat my willpower. Better I practice now, with something small. Although important to me now, and exciting, it is relatively insignificant in the large scheme of my life, if you understand me. I will wait. I will be faithful in the small, so I can also be faithful in the larger.
After all, it's only eight minutes now.
That's the length of time that must transpire before my life changes permanently. It's not really a big change, but at the same time, it's a huge change.
I am celebrating my twentieth birthday in twenty seven minutes. Actually, make that twenty four, now.
For my birthday, there is a card in a washed-out peach color sitting upon my bookshelf. It catches my attention every time I look at the shelf, which means every time I enter my bedroom; the light, solid peach contrasts starkly against the blackened plastic covering of the particle boards from which my shelf is constructed.
On this envelope, there is writing. My name, on the one side. Ashleigh LaPlante. (Note, in passing, that my family usually does not capitalize the 'P' in my last name.) On the other, written on the edge of the triangle piece that opens the envelope, is written, "Do not open until Dec. 12th. :P "
This envelope has been occupying its space on my shelf for four days. Likewise, for four days I have been tempted, sometimes sorely as the day grows ever closer, to open it. I am quite sure it contains a birthday card; the question is, from whom?
I have my theories, but nothing is proven because the envelope remains unopened. I was telling my brother about it, and how excited I was to see the contents, and he suggested I just run downstairs and open it. Which I have thought about more than once.
But what should that tell about me? That I had not the patience to wait until the designated day, that I did not respect the wishes of the sender, whomever they may be?
I thought long and hard about why I wasn't opening it, and this is what conclusion I've come to. If I open this envelope, I have let my impatience overpower me. I have let a piece of paper dictate what I will do and when, because I couldn't stand to wait just a few days.
That is intolerable.
If I can't force myself to wait four days to open an envelope, what will happen in the future, when something comes along that I must exercise patience for? What if an opportunity presents itself, but because I haven't practiced patience and been faithful in the small things, I am not in the large? What happens if I lose said opportunity because I did something too fast, if the situation changes because I chose not to wait?
No. I am not one to allow a mere envelope to control me, to defeat my willpower. Better I practice now, with something small. Although important to me now, and exciting, it is relatively insignificant in the large scheme of my life, if you understand me. I will wait. I will be faithful in the small, so I can also be faithful in the larger.
After all, it's only eight minutes now.
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