30.Day.Challenge vs. Life.Time.Challenges

On Facebook, there is a new trend. Many folks are familiar with the 'quiz' notes, where you copy and paste a large question and answer sheet of sorts, and replace the answers with your own. The new thing is similar, but instead of notes, there is a "30 Day Challenge" where you post photos for specific categories. For example, Day 1 is "a picture of yourself with 15 facts about you." Others include something you love, something you hate, someone you've been friends with the longest, etc.

Day 18, for the one I did, requires you to post a photo of 'your biggest insecurity." The person I copied the challenge from had a picture of a lady measuring her waistline, and I'm sure many would think and choose a picture along similiar lines. Unfortunately, I'm not one of those.

The photo I posted was of a big sign that says, "LIAR." With each photo, I wrote a small description explaining it. I'll repost that day's here:

This is a little complicated and will sound weird, but I'm always worrying about and fearing that when people tell me I'm talented, or beautiful, or honest, or anything like that, that although they may mean it somehow they're deceived and that I'm not the person they think I am. That they don't actually know what they're saying or who they're saying it to/about, that I'm just your average person with nothing to set me apart from the populace and make me special and worth remembering.
My biggest fear and insecurity lies in exactly that - lies.  I am so afraid that people are wrong and misguided when they compliment me that I don't allow myself to believe any of it.  I worry that they don't know the real me - someone who is just a regular person with nothing to shine about - and that they think I'm better than I really am.

But.

Somewhere, deep inside a tiny cupboard in my heart, there is a voice that whispers to my head, "You are worthy of that compliment.  They're right.  You ARE good at this.  You ARE worth it.  You ARE the person she thinks you are, that he knows you to be."

If it wasn't for that little voice bolstering my confidence and telling me that I can push past these LIES that I'm being fed, I have no idea where I'd be today.  But it's there, and I know that even though I struggle with accepting praise and believing in myself every day, the Good Lord is there in that cupboard with me and together, we'll kick the devil's head in, and maybe some day, his voice will go too.

Until that day comes, I've developed a little battle strategy.  I keep things.  Save comments.  There's a whole legion of texts on my phone that I won't delete.  Birthday cards, graduation cards, yearbooks, letters.  Anything that makes me laugh or feel good about who I am gets added to this.. idea.

I call it.. well, I guess it doesn't really have a name.  But it saves me on days when I feel like there's nothing in me left to be proud of.  It's my little list of pick me ups..  all over my wall, my Facebook, my phone, my room, my life.  I'll give you a small example here (some may recognize comments from themselves, etc, but for privacy's sake, no names will be mentioned.)

"The thing is babe, I am so proud of you, so very proud.  You go to these places and touch people's lives and help them in a way I don't think I ever could and even though I know you get blessed back, I know that you are an amazing young lady touching lives all over the world and blessing those people.  I look at all the lives here in Kelowna that you have touched and how many people love you and have been blessed by your friendship and hugs and I know that the little corner in Africa that you are going to will never be the same after you have been there."

"Seeing and watching you grow over the last year has been amazing.  I am proud to call you a friend and to have you in my life.  You put a smile on my face every time I see you.  Your joy and happiness are overflowing.  Keep it that way!"

"I want to say that you've been a great friend all through school and you're not only extremely thoughtful but you're also extremely brave.  You've never been afraid to pray in class, to stand in front of worship, or to speak your mind.  I admire that about you, and I hope you don't lose those characteristics.  You're also very smart and intelligent.  ... Anyway I just want to say that ever since I've been at HCS you've always been extremely friendly.  You're easy to talk to and I'm glad I've gotten to know you."

"Don't ever forget about our Morning Star retreats, ok? We hung out in the dark, attempting to scare people.  I hung on to your arm for support, because I knew that you would never leave my side.  Thanks Ash for being there.."

"Oh my!  You are quite the artist!"

"Good night, beautiful."

"You know, I really want to tell you that you're depriving a really lucky guy of a wonderful girlfriend, but I admire your high standards."

"That's called being hypercritical.  People are friends with you because you're funny and pretty and caring and always know just what to say when someone is feeling down."

"Dangit, where are you?  I need someone pretty and single to dance with."

"I still like you, Ash.  Nothing can't stop that."

"No, thank you Ash.  You're a great friend."

"It didn't surprise me you said you are a writer. You are very intelligent. and pure souled.. be proud of that."

"I love you because you're kind and caring and you remember me when sometimes even my best friends don't."

There's a lot more, but some wouldn't even make sense to anyone but me.  However, that's a goodly percentage of my little list.  This is what I look at when I feel like I'm not worth it.  God didn't bless me with people in my life to encourage me, just so that I could ignore them. 

I would suggest that you do the same as me, even if you don't struggle with the same things I do.  Everyone has a down day once in a while.  Even if you're happy, it's good to know why you're loved.

And when you're feeling full of love and acceptance, it's easy to reciprocate it to others..

Maybe you can go make someone else's 'feel good list' a little longer today, yourself.