Double Sided and Dual Minded

The past few weeks, I've been thinking a lot about duplicity.  It started.. well, I'm not too sure how it started, actually; the thought came to a head when I went to update my other blog the second time.  (Didn't know I have a second blog?  Check it out: http://www.onionsandotherthoughts.tumblr.com/ )

This second blog was fairly recent in starting, and I update it much less regularly.  It has a different purpose than this, and I have separated them entirely because of it.  The other blog is comprised of quotes and passages that have made me think or mean a lot to me; it's got a different layout, different material, and a different webhost altogether. 

This thought, duplicity, came to me, as I said, when I went to update Blog 2 a second time.  I'm not too familiar with Tumblr on the whole, and I was having issues figuring out how to customize the look of the page, etc.  Onions was beautifully color-coordinated (have you ever noticed it's roughly the color of onions?), the posts were nicely separated by title and easy to access, etc.  The other was a bland, basic white page, with black words down the middle.  Squished together and running into each other.

I felt like I was living two different lives when I saw this.

Imagine with me that someone visits this page, Onions, that you are currently reading.  They don't know me at all, but they see a page built by someone who seems to be well known to the world of Blogger and posts often.  There are comments throughout, posting thoughtful responses to thoughtful articles.  (At least, I think they're thoughtful.. they take a lot of thinking through for me before I sufficiently know what my opinion is before I post it!)

Then, they somehow stumble, through a link on Facebook or something, onto the other Blog, Other Thoughts.  While still having some good content, this person's opinion of the writer of both has just dropped a few points, because while Onions is well laid out and easy to navigate, this page, Other Thoughts, is devoid of color, personality, and any medium of organization.  It's like I'm putting up a front on Onions, whilst Other Thoughts reveals the reality of a slovenly and roguish person who doesn't care enough to fix up the page that people don't visit as often.

That may not be true, but that's how I feel.  Even after learning a bit about how Tumblr works, and changing my theme and appearance, the page still looks terrible to me in comparison with this.  I feel like I'm somehow living a lie, one that I've created.

I know it seems ridiculous - but then again, does it?  A blog might not be so crucial to your opinion of me, but it's not the only example of dual mindedness I've recognized in the past weeks.  Two others, very common, have struck their notes in my sheet of music.

The first is that of the workplace.  I posted a few weeks ago about how one of my coworkers may have left his family.  Turns out it's true.  He's reminded me of that on days when I'm not smiling and seem to be down, or just not the usual happy-go-lucky personage I've displayed for them.  He's told me, "I don't know who I'm seeing... this is not Ashleigh."  We've had a few conversations about leaving our outside life baggage at the door when we come to work.

In a way, it's true.  The Ashleigh that strides through the door nowadays is not the same Ashleigh that did when I first started - but it's also true that I really have nothing to leave at the door.  It simply is that the novelty has worn off for me.  I still like my job and I love the people at work, but I'm just not as excited to go anymore, and it takes more effort to find something to make my day as enjoyable and exciting as it was before.  It doesn't come as often, and for that reason, they don't see the me they used to see nearly as much.

Second example is that of Christmas itself.  I'm sure you yourself are a little more stressed out about gifts, money, family plans, and all the other details of the holiday season than you probably let on.  It is our habitual cultural norm to smile through clenched teeth when asked if we're looking forward to Christmas and say, "Why, of course! Who isn't?"  You may actually be looking forward to it, and I hope you are, but Christmas is never simple enough to allow for the stress free answer that the television paints as reality. 

When Christmas finally does come, so do the subtle untruths about gifts received that really don't do much for you, but you can't offend the giver.  Or that family member you're upset with and have to pretend you're their best friend when seated beside them at the Christmas dinner table.  Or traditions that clash, because half the family doesn't believe in Christ, or opens their gifts before breakfast as opposed to after. 

I'm aware that this isn't Christmas for everyone, but I'd be willing to bet that it is, at least partially, for more than just two or three.  If this isn't you, you are blessed - give thanks. :) For the rest of us.. what can we do about it?  That's what I've been wondering.

These are my thoughts.  What counts as duplicity - and when is it okay?  There are moments where we have to withhold our opinions, to fake it until we make it, whether it be Christmas, a barbeque at the boss' house.. we all have times where it just won't do to say what we're really thinking.  But some days are embossed in shades of grey.  What draws the line?  When it is safe to really be the people we feel like?  If we don't, does it mean we're lying, scheming, underhanded ruffians; or are we just trying to save face - both ours and others'?

Will it change your opinion of me to find out that I have a second blog that isn't as pretty as this one?

I don't know.  Tough questions usually require even more difficult answers.