Two Lenses

You know those people?  The ones who just hold to an opinion or point of view because that's just what they think or believe and there ain't no way 'round it?  The ones who are usually wrong?

Yeah.  Those ones.  I don't understand them.

I mean.. well, not that I can't exactly.  I can sometimes comprehend what caused them to think that way.  Perhaps they were exposed to information or experiences that caused that opinion.  But things have changed now.  Situations have gotten better, or disappeared, or what have you.  Now, it's time for them to change, too.

I blogged about my wrongful opinion of buses about a month ago.  Relevant, yes... but now I'm moving on to something bigger.  Something better.  Something a lot more important.

People.

I have this one friend.. at least, I think we're friends right now.  I haven't talked to her much, but the last time I saw her we seemed to be on good terms.  However, as far as I could perceive, that wasn't always true.  I've known her for I'd say a good four or five years, and every so often something would happen... a word or look directed at me that would just have "I don't like you" written all over it.  I don't know why.  I've searched my brain for a reason, but I can't recall anything I've done.  I just get that impression that she dislikes me - and I have no idea why.

I have some other people I know who I've heard say similar things.. "I don't like so and so." "Why not?"  "I don't know, I just don't."

I know I also blogged on this once before.. but I was focusing then on the way that the disliked people feel when they are shunned for no good reason.  Tonight, I'm on the other side of the line... if you don't have a reason, why are you continuing to shun people?

As far as I'm concerned, it's all about changing yourself.  Changing your own opinion.

Even if you have a reason.  Things don't always change, but that doesn't mean they can't.

Good example:  fight between friends.  Regardless of the reason, they no longer like each other.  Both feel wronged, angry, hurt.  However, what happens if a little time passes, some thoughts enter one of their heads, and they decide that they're going to apologize for their end of the argument?  Or some new information comes to light, and things turn out to be considerably different?

What if someone tries to make it right, but the other persists in disliking them, and rejects their advances toward repairing and rebuilding the relationship? 

My own personal example:

When I was younger, I had a substitute teacher for one of my elective classes.  She was younger and although great at what she teaching, as far as I know wasn't an actual teacher.  That doesn't matter so much.  What does matter is that one class, I got there just in time for it to start, according to the school's clock.  However, said teacher pulled out her cell phone and said, "You're late."  My friend looked at her watch, and according to it, I was early.  I tried to explain that the clock in the school, as opposed to the one in the room in the church we were using, said I was on time, as did my friend's watch.  I probably wasn't as polite as I could've been, but I generally try to be respectful, and I remember being angry but trying to communicate without being rude.  However, according to Teacher, I was late and therefore was punished with lines. 

I was furious. I moved to the corner of the room, finished writing them out, and stretched by myself - refusing to rejoin when I was asked to; not until I was ready.  Although, I don't think I was ready.  I think I just sucked it up and did it.

I never did like that girl again.  She was quite young, early 20's.  I never saw her for years, but whenever someone mentioned her name (she was an attendee of my church and quite popular among some of the older students and graduates of my school), I felt a repugnant shudder course through my body and streams of hate burst forth; that one incedent ruined any relationship we might've had.

Years later, I meet a guy in my Bible school class. He seems pretty cool, and although it takes a little while to get him to talk, we strike up a friendship.  Imagine my dismay, then, when I find out he's married to that woman.  THE woman.  That young woman that gave me punishment I felt I didn't deserve.  That woman I disliked probably more than anyone else.

Great.

However, he was cool, suave, chill.  I learned that they were fairly newly married.  I was confused, but I didn't tell anyone.  How could someone who was that cool marry someone like her?  Believe me, I thought about it a LOT.  The idea slowly presented itself to me.  She couldn't possibly be as terrible as all that, if this man I respected liked her, LOVED her, enough to marry her.

Fine.  Maybe I was wrong.. she probably wasn't the witch I'd made her out to be in my own mind.  I could handle that idea.. it didn't matter anyways, since I never saw her and didn't expect to.

Guess what.  Wrong there, too.  Who do you think was the person selected to teach us our drama for Africa?  Horrible-memory-teacher-lady.  Yeah.

However, I'd hope to say that I've grown and matured some in almost ten years.  So, even though those disturbing feelings returned, I bit my tongue and made the effort to get to know her.  Nobody else I knew disliked her.. she was friends with people I knew, and again, this dude I considered an older brother, wise, energetic, helpful, kind.. married her. 

I had to change.  And you know, I was right.

She isn't a witch. 

I will admit that I can see traces of what made me dislike her that day, so long ago.  However, if I choose to look at her as a friend instead of an enemy, they really are insignificant.  There's a pretty decent age gap between us, so I've had a bit of a challenge in getting to know her.  I'm still trying to set up a time to hang out with her and her husband, because I don't want to lose the friendship with the one, and I want to finish that cycle of rebuilding an opinion with the other.  I want to fully and finally prove to myself that first impressions aren't always correct.

What would it take for you?  Is there someone you just can't stand, or simply tolerate because you have the same circle of friends?  Would changing your perspective... looking for something in common with that person... pointing out their positive traits... would that maybe gain you a friend you never thought you had?

Maybe it would even make life better for other people in your life.. nobody likes those awkward situations where two people who would rather not be in the same room get invited to a party or something similar.

Maybe you can be the bigger person today.  Maybe you can change your world by changing the way you look at it.  Pick someone.  Now go try.