[This is not part 3 of that little mini-series of thoughts. Sorry. However, if you were expecting that, worry not.. It's still on my heart and I'll get to it soon.]
This weekend was our church's Young Adults retreat. We went to Elkhart Lodge (http://elkhart.webs.com/). It was fun, and I had a good time, but in the same clause I was uncomfortable. Not from the cold (it was freezing haha), or anything like that. Just being around these people.
And it's been like that for a long time. It's not because I don't like them. And until this weekend, I wasn't even exactly sure why. But whenever I would go to the Young Adults services, or even to church, I'd get that feeling. I stopped going to the services, and at church I sat with younger friends who were still in highschool, instead of the older ones in YA.
Anyways, at the retreat we had a little worship/prayer session as a group, that feeling came again as I was around all these young adults. But this time, I realized what it was, and the thought just came:
I don't know where I belong here.
It's not that I don't feel like I DON'T belong. I feel accepted and on equal terms with everyone. I just don't know where I fit in. Part of it has to do with age. I'm one of the youngest people there. Nearly everyone, excepting about maybe 10 people (out of maybe 50 or 60) is at least three years older, if not more. But there are still a few younger than me, that have found places in the band, and other things. So there goes that reason.
It's hard to explain, but even though I'm 20 I still feel like a child there; as if, because of my at times boundless energy and ADD speech patterns, they still view me as this reckless, crazy teenager that still has to grow up. And in a way, I can't blame them. It's like as soon as I enter the room, I'm just happy to be around all these people I admire and would love to be friends with (or, better friends anyway) and I just get excited. And when I get excited I do blubber around and bounce and act like a fool more often than not. But I also feel like that's the only me that they know, so that's the person I have to be around them. Like they'll never figure out that there's a serious side too, that knows I'm ridiculous but I just don't know how to interact with them any other way because this is all they've ever seen.
And that's blocking me from having a deeper relationship with these people. Some of them I've known since I was in elementary and they were in middle and high school. I mean, it really should be a non-issue. But it is, and I know it is because it happens all the time. That session wasn't the only time it happened at the retreat.. Saturday there were two girls playing a game, and I wanted to play, but I was too afraid to ask; by the time I worked up the courage to see if maybe I could join in the next round, they were cleaning it up. I lost my chance to engage and strengthen a relationship because I don't trust myself to interact with them and not be an idiot because that's the only thing I know how to do.
At that same session, when we were done worshiping we got into small groups to pray with each other. I was with four other people, one whom I'd never met, and all older than me, as per the usual. We took turns being "in the spotlight" so to say, and when my turn came I didn't really move into the center as the others had. The tallest guy, and the one who I knew the least (aside from the one I'd just met), said something to the effect of not having to be afraid.
I wanted to turn and say, "It's not that I'm afraid. I just don't know who I am here." I said nothing, however, as I was pretty close to tears at that point from thinking all of this out and having no answers. The funniest things happen, though, when they're least expected. That's exactly what he prayed for me. That I would have answers.
He mentioned this blog and how I have no difficulty asking hard questions and figuring things out, and asked for a blessing on me in wisdom - so that I would have answers when people came to me with questions, and when my own questions reared up as well.
God's amazing like that, you know. I said nothing out loud, but that man prayed a direct answer to my thoughts of the last hour.
And you know, I've been thinking a lot about what he said. The others' prayers for me were very nice and encouraging as well, and I won't forget them, but what he said struck home.
In person, I'm a silly girl who jumps thoughts every three seconds and has to keep moving in order to focus on anything 90% of the time. I laugh about the smallest things, including my own jokes, and I love to quote poetry and novels.
On Facebook, on this blog, in text.. anything where I remain nothing but a name, I turn into this other person who is capable of carrying on long conversations about things that actually matter, and even sounding intelligent once in a while. It's like those newspaper advice columns... I can be that person who can answer a question and give decent advice, but it's so much easier on the computer because the other person can't see how many times I click on other links, or take a few minutes to play cards, or generally get distracted at all. I can focus on the conversation inbetween everything else, but the other person doesn't know any better. In person, it's so different, because thoughts just jump out that don't connect and I'm always looking everywhere and I'm sure people just give up, because I look like I'm not paying attention.
I feel like two people.
All this goes to say that I want to change. I want to mellow out my distinct personalities and mold them together to create a more even person. I want to be able to pull out a quieter, less distracting Ashleigh so I don't feel like I have to be that crazy retard when I'm around other people because I don't know what else to do.
I want to get past the feeling that I'm inadequate when it comes to being friends with other, older young adults.
I want to them to know this part of me, too; that I am more than just that random, that I can be someone they can actually have a conversation with.
I want to be friends, on a deeper level than I am now. More than just a "Hey, how are you, how's the weather?" aquaintance.
I want to fight for what I dream of.
And the only way I know how to do that is to push the limits. My limits. To just ask if I can join the game.
Bravery isn't doing what the heroes do. It's doing what you think you can't.
Only to discover that you're much more than capable.
There is nothing stopping me except myself.
What do you dream of? What's stopping you? The first step is just to identify it. When you want to clean that storage closet, but you freeze every time you open the door. Realize that you feel overwhelmed.
Second step is strategy. Don't take on the entire war. One battle at a time. Just do one shelf. Ignore the rest until you're finished that one shelf. Then congratulate yourself on the progress.
Third step?
Fight for the rest, and don't finish until you're where you want to be.
I'll be asking for a coffee date tomorrow.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Massage. It Makes You Feel Better.
So it's been nearly ten days since my last post, and I'm sorry for that, but here's to the second idea of three: stress reduction.
I don't mean the fact that we humans as a whole have a lot of stress in our lives. I think that's pretty obvious. I also think it quite rational that we should do our utmost to reduce the amount of stress we're exposed to in our daily routines. I'm sure you'd agree... there are hundreds of studies related to stress and its cumulative effect on disease and other such nasty things.
But, no. This post is more about ways of effectively dealing with stress, because I've had to learn a lot about it in the last little while.
We have a new dishwasher at work (person, not machine), and he's a little slow. But hey, he's learning. However, in the meantime, I walk into huge messes in the morning that normally wouldn't be there. One day there were stacks of dishes on the counter that were level with my head.
Overwhelmed is too small a word. I wanted to sit down and cry. But you can't do that.
So I shoved my head down, threw some music on, and ploughed ahead. The pile went down. So did my stress level.
Basically, I've come to the conclusion that stress reduction is vital to one's sanity. Sometimes important tasks are sacrificed or postponed in favor of wasting time. But I think that wasting time relaxing your mind and body is productive.. now there's an oxymoron.
I've just been thinking about this because of work, and my family's crazy schedule, and some conversations I've been having with a few friends. Comparing strategies to reduce stress and finding what works for other people is super interesting to me.
It goes everywhere, from music to sports to food. Sitting on front of our wood stove for 15 minutes before bed every night is probably my favorite. But I've found something else that really, really works. For me.
You know those chronic 'listers'? People who write EVERYTHING down, who are seemingly so organized and together? Well, I'm sort of turning into one of those.
One of our teachers at Bible School put shape to an idea that I was already familiar with but never realized it. He explained the purpose of journaling... or at least, explained it better.
The concept is not so much about just expressing your feelings through writing. It's about communicating, with yourself just as much as with others should you so choose.
It's about goals and memories, anger and happiness.
But the revolutionary idea is that when you write something down, you leave it behind. List writers write lists so that they don't have to remember. Journaling is very similar.
Because when you write something down, you can leave it on the paper. Walk away from it. Doesn't mean that the emotion or problem or whatever it may be has disappeared - but what is does mean is that you don't have to carry it around any longer.
That is essentially what this blog is. A journal where I write thoughts, albeit in a very public format. But you know, that's okay. I made the decision for this to be public because I want people to understand who I am and how I think. What I believe and why. Maybe challenge their opinions and views. Maybe challenge mine.
Before I post things, I think about them for weeks on end - but I find that when I post them and discuss my thoughts with myself, when I click the "Publish Post" button and consider it done, the stress and worry that these thoughts bring upon me - just from constantly thinking and analyzing - are greatly diminished, if not gone altogether.
So far, that's the best stress reducing technique I've ever seen or had the pleasure to take advantage of. So I thought I would share what works for me, because maybe it'll work for you. Take your worries and problems and write them down, and then make a concious decision to walk away and stop thinking about them. Especially overnight... because they're safe, waiting for you on a piece of paper that you can go back to later, when you're ready to deal with them. But for now, you've dropped ten pounds from your shoulders - doesn't it feel good?
I don't mean the fact that we humans as a whole have a lot of stress in our lives. I think that's pretty obvious. I also think it quite rational that we should do our utmost to reduce the amount of stress we're exposed to in our daily routines. I'm sure you'd agree... there are hundreds of studies related to stress and its cumulative effect on disease and other such nasty things.
But, no. This post is more about ways of effectively dealing with stress, because I've had to learn a lot about it in the last little while.
We have a new dishwasher at work (person, not machine), and he's a little slow. But hey, he's learning. However, in the meantime, I walk into huge messes in the morning that normally wouldn't be there. One day there were stacks of dishes on the counter that were level with my head.
Overwhelmed is too small a word. I wanted to sit down and cry. But you can't do that.
So I shoved my head down, threw some music on, and ploughed ahead. The pile went down. So did my stress level.
Basically, I've come to the conclusion that stress reduction is vital to one's sanity. Sometimes important tasks are sacrificed or postponed in favor of wasting time. But I think that wasting time relaxing your mind and body is productive.. now there's an oxymoron.
I've just been thinking about this because of work, and my family's crazy schedule, and some conversations I've been having with a few friends. Comparing strategies to reduce stress and finding what works for other people is super interesting to me.
It goes everywhere, from music to sports to food. Sitting on front of our wood stove for 15 minutes before bed every night is probably my favorite. But I've found something else that really, really works. For me.
You know those chronic 'listers'? People who write EVERYTHING down, who are seemingly so organized and together? Well, I'm sort of turning into one of those.
One of our teachers at Bible School put shape to an idea that I was already familiar with but never realized it. He explained the purpose of journaling... or at least, explained it better.
The concept is not so much about just expressing your feelings through writing. It's about communicating, with yourself just as much as with others should you so choose.
It's about goals and memories, anger and happiness.
But the revolutionary idea is that when you write something down, you leave it behind. List writers write lists so that they don't have to remember. Journaling is very similar.
Because when you write something down, you can leave it on the paper. Walk away from it. Doesn't mean that the emotion or problem or whatever it may be has disappeared - but what is does mean is that you don't have to carry it around any longer.
That is essentially what this blog is. A journal where I write thoughts, albeit in a very public format. But you know, that's okay. I made the decision for this to be public because I want people to understand who I am and how I think. What I believe and why. Maybe challenge their opinions and views. Maybe challenge mine.
Before I post things, I think about them for weeks on end - but I find that when I post them and discuss my thoughts with myself, when I click the "Publish Post" button and consider it done, the stress and worry that these thoughts bring upon me - just from constantly thinking and analyzing - are greatly diminished, if not gone altogether.
So far, that's the best stress reducing technique I've ever seen or had the pleasure to take advantage of. So I thought I would share what works for me, because maybe it'll work for you. Take your worries and problems and write them down, and then make a concious decision to walk away and stop thinking about them. Especially overnight... because they're safe, waiting for you on a piece of paper that you can go back to later, when you're ready to deal with them. But for now, you've dropped ten pounds from your shoulders - doesn't it feel good?
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Don't Walk Away Without Leaving.
My brain is a really jumbled mish-mash of thoughts that I'll attempt to organize for your benefit, but please walk away now if you're impatient. :)
Anyways, the last couple of weeks I've been thinking alot about three things: stress reduction, commitment (in relationships), and renewed interest in life.
They are seperate ideas that tangle together into a huge messy knot. I'll tackle them one at a time though, or at least try.
To start, a couple I know recently became pregnant out of wedlock. As both a Christian and someone who has witnessed firsthand many negative effects of that very situation, I find it hard to accept, let alone congratulate them. But they are adults, and they're happy, and simply put, I can't step into a situation like that and point fingers whilst screaming, "you're WRONG, and now this baby's going to grow up in an unstable home and probably seperated parents and blah blah blah."
That might not happen. Statistically, it's likely. And that's what hurts me. When I was told, all I could think for the next hour was, "You weren't strong enough to say no." But there's nothing I can do about it except hope for the best, and hope for the baby's sake that they'll be strong enough to stay together.
It really gets under my skin, thinking about the status of today's relationship belief system.
How fragile the idea of commitment is, and how easily society smashes it into fragments at its pleasure. Why we undervalue it so much. Like that song, Irreplaceable, by Beyonce:
You must not know 'bout me
You must not know 'bout me
I could have another you in a minute
Matter fact he'll be here in a minute, baby
You must not know 'bout me
You must not know 'bout me
I can have another you by tomorrow
So don't you ever for a second get to thinking you're irreplaceable
That's society's opinion of relationships. That they're commodities. If you find your model defective at any point, return it and get a replacement within two weeks.
Even at work this last Friday, I was having trouble doing something and I said out loud, "I need a guy," (because they're stronger) and one of the older ladies looked at me and said, "Don't EVER say that; you don't need a guy at all. Ever."
Except, man and woman were created to be together:
For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.
Genesis 2:24, NIV
I believe that I'm strong enough to live life on my own. But I also believe that I was created to be with a man, and that God's got one picked out for me. So yes, I do need one. Because there is a specific man on this planet that can and will give me one day something that no other person could. Why would God design such a thing as marriage if the opposite were true?
That same lady, one other guy, and I were discussing whether most major conflicts in history were related to religion, and I told her I'd have to do a little research to offer a solid opinion on that.. but if she wanted my opinion on relationships and men, to rent the movie Fireproof and go home and watch it with her husband.
Hopefully, that will help her to understand that we may not 'need' a spouse/significant other like we need a house or clothes, but that they do fill a place in our lives that was meant for none other. And that each relationship, whether it be your husband/wife, other relative, friend, or even stranger deserves respect, hard work, and commitment for the time you are involved in that other person's life - be it five minutes or fifty years.
This has just really been in my heart and head for the last little while, as I continue to come into that age where I will within a few years mostly likely have entered a relationship of my own, with a goal of marriage. I think about the various examples I've seen, both good and bad, and the one I want to set for my generation, and the generations afterward. Because relationships aren't contracts. They're promises. Eternal ones. Like the wedding vows say, "for better or for worse, as long as we both shall live."
They ought to be treated as such.
Anyways, the last couple of weeks I've been thinking alot about three things: stress reduction, commitment (in relationships), and renewed interest in life.
They are seperate ideas that tangle together into a huge messy knot. I'll tackle them one at a time though, or at least try.
To start, a couple I know recently became pregnant out of wedlock. As both a Christian and someone who has witnessed firsthand many negative effects of that very situation, I find it hard to accept, let alone congratulate them. But they are adults, and they're happy, and simply put, I can't step into a situation like that and point fingers whilst screaming, "you're WRONG, and now this baby's going to grow up in an unstable home and probably seperated parents and blah blah blah."
That might not happen. Statistically, it's likely. And that's what hurts me. When I was told, all I could think for the next hour was, "You weren't strong enough to say no." But there's nothing I can do about it except hope for the best, and hope for the baby's sake that they'll be strong enough to stay together.
It really gets under my skin, thinking about the status of today's relationship belief system.
How fragile the idea of commitment is, and how easily society smashes it into fragments at its pleasure. Why we undervalue it so much. Like that song, Irreplaceable, by Beyonce:
You must not know 'bout me
You must not know 'bout me
I could have another you in a minute
Matter fact he'll be here in a minute, baby
You must not know 'bout me
You must not know 'bout me
I can have another you by tomorrow
So don't you ever for a second get to thinking you're irreplaceable
That's society's opinion of relationships. That they're commodities. If you find your model defective at any point, return it and get a replacement within two weeks.
Even at work this last Friday, I was having trouble doing something and I said out loud, "I need a guy," (because they're stronger) and one of the older ladies looked at me and said, "Don't EVER say that; you don't need a guy at all. Ever."
Except, man and woman were created to be together:
For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.
Genesis 2:24, NIV
I believe that I'm strong enough to live life on my own. But I also believe that I was created to be with a man, and that God's got one picked out for me. So yes, I do need one. Because there is a specific man on this planet that can and will give me one day something that no other person could. Why would God design such a thing as marriage if the opposite were true?
That same lady, one other guy, and I were discussing whether most major conflicts in history were related to religion, and I told her I'd have to do a little research to offer a solid opinion on that.. but if she wanted my opinion on relationships and men, to rent the movie Fireproof and go home and watch it with her husband.
Hopefully, that will help her to understand that we may not 'need' a spouse/significant other like we need a house or clothes, but that they do fill a place in our lives that was meant for none other. And that each relationship, whether it be your husband/wife, other relative, friend, or even stranger deserves respect, hard work, and commitment for the time you are involved in that other person's life - be it five minutes or fifty years.
This has just really been in my heart and head for the last little while, as I continue to come into that age where I will within a few years mostly likely have entered a relationship of my own, with a goal of marriage. I think about the various examples I've seen, both good and bad, and the one I want to set for my generation, and the generations afterward. Because relationships aren't contracts. They're promises. Eternal ones. Like the wedding vows say, "for better or for worse, as long as we both shall live."
They ought to be treated as such.
Monday, January 31, 2011
30.Day.Challenge vs. Life.Time.Challenges
On Facebook, there is a new trend. Many folks are familiar with the 'quiz' notes, where you copy and paste a large question and answer sheet of sorts, and replace the answers with your own. The new thing is similar, but instead of notes, there is a "30 Day Challenge" where you post photos for specific categories. For example, Day 1 is "a picture of yourself with 15 facts about you." Others include something you love, something you hate, someone you've been friends with the longest, etc.
Day 18, for the one I did, requires you to post a photo of 'your biggest insecurity." The person I copied the challenge from had a picture of a lady measuring her waistline, and I'm sure many would think and choose a picture along similiar lines. Unfortunately, I'm not one of those.
The photo I posted was of a big sign that says, "LIAR." With each photo, I wrote a small description explaining it. I'll repost that day's here:
This is a little complicated and will sound weird, but I'm always worrying about and fearing that when people tell me I'm talented, or beautiful, or honest, or anything like that, that although they may mean it somehow they're deceived and that I'm not the person they think I am. That they don't actually know what they're saying or who they're saying it to/about, that I'm just your average person with nothing to set me apart from the populace and make me special and worth remembering.
My biggest fear and insecurity lies in exactly that - lies. I am so afraid that people are wrong and misguided when they compliment me that I don't allow myself to believe any of it. I worry that they don't know the real me - someone who is just a regular person with nothing to shine about - and that they think I'm better than I really am.
But.
Somewhere, deep inside a tiny cupboard in my heart, there is a voice that whispers to my head, "You are worthy of that compliment. They're right. You ARE good at this. You ARE worth it. You ARE the person she thinks you are, that he knows you to be."
If it wasn't for that little voice bolstering my confidence and telling me that I can push past these LIES that I'm being fed, I have no idea where I'd be today. But it's there, and I know that even though I struggle with accepting praise and believing in myself every day, the Good Lord is there in that cupboard with me and together, we'll kick the devil's head in, and maybe some day, his voice will go too.
Until that day comes, I've developed a little battle strategy. I keep things. Save comments. There's a whole legion of texts on my phone that I won't delete. Birthday cards, graduation cards, yearbooks, letters. Anything that makes me laugh or feel good about who I am gets added to this.. idea.
I call it.. well, I guess it doesn't really have a name. But it saves me on days when I feel like there's nothing in me left to be proud of. It's my little list of pick me ups.. all over my wall, my Facebook, my phone, my room, my life. I'll give you a small example here (some may recognize comments from themselves, etc, but for privacy's sake, no names will be mentioned.)
"The thing is babe, I am so proud of you, so very proud. You go to these places and touch people's lives and help them in a way I don't think I ever could and even though I know you get blessed back, I know that you are an amazing young lady touching lives all over the world and blessing those people. I look at all the lives here in Kelowna that you have touched and how many people love you and have been blessed by your friendship and hugs and I know that the little corner in Africa that you are going to will never be the same after you have been there."
"Seeing and watching you grow over the last year has been amazing. I am proud to call you a friend and to have you in my life. You put a smile on my face every time I see you. Your joy and happiness are overflowing. Keep it that way!"
"I want to say that you've been a great friend all through school and you're not only extremely thoughtful but you're also extremely brave. You've never been afraid to pray in class, to stand in front of worship, or to speak your mind. I admire that about you, and I hope you don't lose those characteristics. You're also very smart and intelligent. ... Anyway I just want to say that ever since I've been at HCS you've always been extremely friendly. You're easy to talk to and I'm glad I've gotten to know you."
"Don't ever forget about our Morning Star retreats, ok? We hung out in the dark, attempting to scare people. I hung on to your arm for support, because I knew that you would never leave my side. Thanks Ash for being there.."
"Oh my! You are quite the artist!"
"Good night, beautiful."
"You know, I really want to tell you that you're depriving a really lucky guy of a wonderful girlfriend, but I admire your high standards."
"That's called being hypercritical. People are friends with you because you're funny and pretty and caring and always know just what to say when someone is feeling down."
"Dangit, where are you? I need someone pretty and single to dance with."
"I still like you, Ash. Nothing can't stop that."
"No, thank you Ash. You're a great friend."
"It didn't surprise me you said you are a writer. You are very intelligent. and pure souled.. be proud of that."
"I love you because you're kind and caring and you remember me when sometimes even my best friends don't."
There's a lot more, but some wouldn't even make sense to anyone but me. However, that's a goodly percentage of my little list. This is what I look at when I feel like I'm not worth it. God didn't bless me with people in my life to encourage me, just so that I could ignore them.
I would suggest that you do the same as me, even if you don't struggle with the same things I do. Everyone has a down day once in a while. Even if you're happy, it's good to know why you're loved.
And when you're feeling full of love and acceptance, it's easy to reciprocate it to others..
Maybe you can go make someone else's 'feel good list' a little longer today, yourself.
Day 18, for the one I did, requires you to post a photo of 'your biggest insecurity." The person I copied the challenge from had a picture of a lady measuring her waistline, and I'm sure many would think and choose a picture along similiar lines. Unfortunately, I'm not one of those.
The photo I posted was of a big sign that says, "LIAR." With each photo, I wrote a small description explaining it. I'll repost that day's here:
This is a little complicated and will sound weird, but I'm always worrying about and fearing that when people tell me I'm talented, or beautiful, or honest, or anything like that, that although they may mean it somehow they're deceived and that I'm not the person they think I am. That they don't actually know what they're saying or who they're saying it to/about, that I'm just your average person with nothing to set me apart from the populace and make me special and worth remembering.
My biggest fear and insecurity lies in exactly that - lies. I am so afraid that people are wrong and misguided when they compliment me that I don't allow myself to believe any of it. I worry that they don't know the real me - someone who is just a regular person with nothing to shine about - and that they think I'm better than I really am.
But.
Somewhere, deep inside a tiny cupboard in my heart, there is a voice that whispers to my head, "You are worthy of that compliment. They're right. You ARE good at this. You ARE worth it. You ARE the person she thinks you are, that he knows you to be."
If it wasn't for that little voice bolstering my confidence and telling me that I can push past these LIES that I'm being fed, I have no idea where I'd be today. But it's there, and I know that even though I struggle with accepting praise and believing in myself every day, the Good Lord is there in that cupboard with me and together, we'll kick the devil's head in, and maybe some day, his voice will go too.
Until that day comes, I've developed a little battle strategy. I keep things. Save comments. There's a whole legion of texts on my phone that I won't delete. Birthday cards, graduation cards, yearbooks, letters. Anything that makes me laugh or feel good about who I am gets added to this.. idea.
I call it.. well, I guess it doesn't really have a name. But it saves me on days when I feel like there's nothing in me left to be proud of. It's my little list of pick me ups.. all over my wall, my Facebook, my phone, my room, my life. I'll give you a small example here (some may recognize comments from themselves, etc, but for privacy's sake, no names will be mentioned.)
"The thing is babe, I am so proud of you, so very proud. You go to these places and touch people's lives and help them in a way I don't think I ever could and even though I know you get blessed back, I know that you are an amazing young lady touching lives all over the world and blessing those people. I look at all the lives here in Kelowna that you have touched and how many people love you and have been blessed by your friendship and hugs and I know that the little corner in Africa that you are going to will never be the same after you have been there."
"Seeing and watching you grow over the last year has been amazing. I am proud to call you a friend and to have you in my life. You put a smile on my face every time I see you. Your joy and happiness are overflowing. Keep it that way!"
"I want to say that you've been a great friend all through school and you're not only extremely thoughtful but you're also extremely brave. You've never been afraid to pray in class, to stand in front of worship, or to speak your mind. I admire that about you, and I hope you don't lose those characteristics. You're also very smart and intelligent. ... Anyway I just want to say that ever since I've been at HCS you've always been extremely friendly. You're easy to talk to and I'm glad I've gotten to know you."
"Don't ever forget about our Morning Star retreats, ok? We hung out in the dark, attempting to scare people. I hung on to your arm for support, because I knew that you would never leave my side. Thanks Ash for being there.."
"Oh my! You are quite the artist!"
"Good night, beautiful."
"You know, I really want to tell you that you're depriving a really lucky guy of a wonderful girlfriend, but I admire your high standards."
"That's called being hypercritical. People are friends with you because you're funny and pretty and caring and always know just what to say when someone is feeling down."
"Dangit, where are you? I need someone pretty and single to dance with."
"I still like you, Ash. Nothing can't stop that."
"No, thank you Ash. You're a great friend."
"It didn't surprise me you said you are a writer. You are very intelligent. and pure souled.. be proud of that."
"I love you because you're kind and caring and you remember me when sometimes even my best friends don't."
There's a lot more, but some wouldn't even make sense to anyone but me. However, that's a goodly percentage of my little list. This is what I look at when I feel like I'm not worth it. God didn't bless me with people in my life to encourage me, just so that I could ignore them.
I would suggest that you do the same as me, even if you don't struggle with the same things I do. Everyone has a down day once in a while. Even if you're happy, it's good to know why you're loved.
And when you're feeling full of love and acceptance, it's easy to reciprocate it to others..
Maybe you can go make someone else's 'feel good list' a little longer today, yourself.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
And He Will Guide Me
Destiny seems like such a... sort of fairy tale word to me, or something out of mainstream India, where karma is huge. I wouldn't say I believe your life choices are set before you're even born.. but what about foreordination?
One means ". The inevitable or necessary fate to which a particular person or thing is destined; one's lot," and the other, "To determine or appoint beforehand; predestine." Can you guess which is which?
There is hardly any difference, it's true - but that's what makes ALL the difference. Destiny is inevitable. Meaning that there is no possible way you could get out of it. However, something foreordained is only appointed - you can break appointments.
They both could lead to the same destination - but one word gives you the ability to opt out, while the other does not.
I've been contemplating the idea and meaning of destiny and other like-minded words. The Bible clearly states that God has a plan for each person (Jeremiah 29:11), and it may likewise be inferred that if He has a plan for each person, He has a plan for the world. However, it also teaches that we can and should choose what we are going to do (Deut. 30:19).
That, at first, would seem contradictory. However, when I was in Bible school, one of the teachers presented an idea that made much sense. He said that God does, indeed, have a plan, and that we each are part of it. However, the free choice part comes in this way. Let's say God has Plan 2449B, and you are the one He chose to complete it. You're person A. Now, free choice - you can either go with it, or choose not to. If you choose not to, God's plan will still get completed - He'll just have to use someone else, who maybe isn't quite so fit for the position as you would've been. But it gets done.
Another guest speaker shared a dream that she'd had as a young lady with us. In it, she dreamt that she was in a room full of babies yet to be born, yea, even yet to have their families 'assigned' (for lack of a better word). He would go to each one, and tell it about the life He wanted to place it into: "This family has drug and alcohol abuse, but I want to place you here because there will be younger children who will look up to you and I know you will be strong enough." "This family travels a lot, but you will get to meet tons of people and share your experiences all over the world with others."
Every family had its own good and bad, ups and downs. God took each prospective child and told them exactly what kind of a life he or she would have. He would then say, "I think you are the best person for this family, and you will be exactly what they need. Are you willing?"
I have my own little story, too.
Three years ago, my sister's best friend transferred to another school. My sister was very lonely without her, so the year after, she transferred as well. They both joined cheerleading, and through the team met some really awesome people and made a lot of new friends.
Enter me. I wasn't too involved in their cheer or school until the end of last year, but over the summer and throughout this year, I've gotten to know a lot of their friends, been to competitions, and attended nearly every practice.
It has come about that several of the kids on the team have needed an older sister/friend/confidante/whatever you want to call it, and that has become me. Two boys in particular have come to me with many of their problems and frustrations, and I'm building a stronger relationship with a few girls as well. Our mother has become a much of a second parent to many of them as well.
My thought this past week has been this: were Alexis and Kelsey foreordained to change schools, so that they would eventually join the cheer team, and we would meet these kids that chose us when they didn't have anyone else at those times?
We still have a choice. I could choose, even now, to stop talking to those boys and to quit attending practices. I could choose to tell them to get lost and find someone else to listen.
But, if God put them in my path and I can help them...
If He thinks I'm the best person, in that situation, that can reach them and be what they need..
Are you willing?
I am. If I'm the one they're gonna trust, I want to take pride in the fact that God thinks I'm good enough - no, that I am the best option out of the 6 billion people in this world. I want to make sure I'm prepared, with solid information and advice, so that their lives will improve when they learn how to communicate and problem solve with help from my example.
Are you? You don't have to believe that you were created for a purpose, or placed in a specific situation at a specific time, if you don't want to. It won't change anything.
But. If you DO choose to believe. If you choose to believe that you, more than any other person on the planet, were placed in the situation you're in because God knew you could change it - doesn't that make you invaluable?
Sometimes all it takes is a reversal of perspective.. instead of being the bearer of people's problems, you're now part of the solution.
Are you willing?
One means ". The inevitable or necessary fate to which a particular person or thing is destined; one's lot," and the other, "To determine or appoint beforehand; predestine." Can you guess which is which?
There is hardly any difference, it's true - but that's what makes ALL the difference. Destiny is inevitable. Meaning that there is no possible way you could get out of it. However, something foreordained is only appointed - you can break appointments.
They both could lead to the same destination - but one word gives you the ability to opt out, while the other does not.
I've been contemplating the idea and meaning of destiny and other like-minded words. The Bible clearly states that God has a plan for each person (Jeremiah 29:11), and it may likewise be inferred that if He has a plan for each person, He has a plan for the world. However, it also teaches that we can and should choose what we are going to do (Deut. 30:19).
That, at first, would seem contradictory. However, when I was in Bible school, one of the teachers presented an idea that made much sense. He said that God does, indeed, have a plan, and that we each are part of it. However, the free choice part comes in this way. Let's say God has Plan 2449B, and you are the one He chose to complete it. You're person A. Now, free choice - you can either go with it, or choose not to. If you choose not to, God's plan will still get completed - He'll just have to use someone else, who maybe isn't quite so fit for the position as you would've been. But it gets done.
Another guest speaker shared a dream that she'd had as a young lady with us. In it, she dreamt that she was in a room full of babies yet to be born, yea, even yet to have their families 'assigned' (for lack of a better word). He would go to each one, and tell it about the life He wanted to place it into: "This family has drug and alcohol abuse, but I want to place you here because there will be younger children who will look up to you and I know you will be strong enough." "This family travels a lot, but you will get to meet tons of people and share your experiences all over the world with others."
Every family had its own good and bad, ups and downs. God took each prospective child and told them exactly what kind of a life he or she would have. He would then say, "I think you are the best person for this family, and you will be exactly what they need. Are you willing?"
I have my own little story, too.
Three years ago, my sister's best friend transferred to another school. My sister was very lonely without her, so the year after, she transferred as well. They both joined cheerleading, and through the team met some really awesome people and made a lot of new friends.
Enter me. I wasn't too involved in their cheer or school until the end of last year, but over the summer and throughout this year, I've gotten to know a lot of their friends, been to competitions, and attended nearly every practice.
It has come about that several of the kids on the team have needed an older sister/friend/confidante/whatever you want to call it, and that has become me. Two boys in particular have come to me with many of their problems and frustrations, and I'm building a stronger relationship with a few girls as well. Our mother has become a much of a second parent to many of them as well.
My thought this past week has been this: were Alexis and Kelsey foreordained to change schools, so that they would eventually join the cheer team, and we would meet these kids that chose us when they didn't have anyone else at those times?
We still have a choice. I could choose, even now, to stop talking to those boys and to quit attending practices. I could choose to tell them to get lost and find someone else to listen.
But, if God put them in my path and I can help them...
If He thinks I'm the best person, in that situation, that can reach them and be what they need..
Are you willing?
I am. If I'm the one they're gonna trust, I want to take pride in the fact that God thinks I'm good enough - no, that I am the best option out of the 6 billion people in this world. I want to make sure I'm prepared, with solid information and advice, so that their lives will improve when they learn how to communicate and problem solve with help from my example.
Are you? You don't have to believe that you were created for a purpose, or placed in a specific situation at a specific time, if you don't want to. It won't change anything.
But. If you DO choose to believe. If you choose to believe that you, more than any other person on the planet, were placed in the situation you're in because God knew you could change it - doesn't that make you invaluable?
Sometimes all it takes is a reversal of perspective.. instead of being the bearer of people's problems, you're now part of the solution.
Are you willing?
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Trust (Un)Worthy
My brother introduced me to a band called Rise Against. They have a song entitled, "From Heads Unworthy". It's got quite a bit in the way of good lyrics (recommended listening if you don't mind rock), but it's the chorus in particular that gets me.
As your castles crumble slowly
We watch them fall
The crown slips from heads unworthy
As we gain control.
I'm currently reading a book on the six wives of Henry VIII, so you can imagine that the immediate connection is made. To me, the obvious question presents itself:
What makes a head unworthy - then, or now?
For it wasn't only in the past that 'crowns' were gained or lost by reasons of virtue or goodwill. We might not have literal crowns today (for the most part), but the idea they represent is still very real.
Crowns represent authority, but they also represent a faith of sorts. I don't mean religious faith, but rather more of a belief in the person who wears it; they will treat you fairly, take your interests and concerns to heart, deal with problems that arise, that sort of thing. That they'll be worthy of the trust you've placed in them by allowing them the 'crown'.
I've been thinking a lot about trust these last few weeks. What exactly is it? How do you define trust? I think the explanation of a crown that I just gave is satisfactory enough... if you're just trying to arrive at a very basic idea. However, trust is not just a nice idea. Not just an emotion. To me, it's a tangible thing. Something that is given, taken, felt, and used. It has weight. A lot of it.
What does it take to make a person trustworthy? To me, it's all about that confidentiality agreement. You know, the one you sign when you open a bank account, go to a lawyer or a doctor.. yeah, them. There are, or should be, in my opinion, confidentiality agreements between friends.
You see, you trust a lawyer or a doctor because you have to, because they know a lot about something that you don't and therefore cannot handle adequately. You might not like the guy, but you have to trust his opinion as a trained professional (theoretically, I know there's such things as second opinions!). You trust a friend because you want to.
But there are levels and limits. I do not tell everyone everything. The friend I met over the Internet, but never actually met, does not need to know my personal address <- common example. My coworkers don't need to know if my parents and I just had a fight (no, we didn't).
There are some people I've known for years and years that I would not tell things to, because I know they like to talk and I might not trust them to keep my confidences - or maybe they might, but somehow, friends find out and the fire is lit. I'm sure you've seen it happen. There are others I've known for less than a year that I would easily spill my guts to, because they've proven themselves able to discriminate between what should and shouldn't be repeated.
People have said that I'm trustworthy... but I'm still trying to figure out what classifies me as such. What makes a 16 year old girl come to ask my advice in regards to telling her father she's found a boy she'd like to date? An 18 year old boy come to me first when he's hung over and needs someone just to be there? A 21 year old man ask my opinion on why his friend may not want him to make friends with a certain girl - a 40 year old mother request parenting advice on her teen who's pushing boundaries - a woman in her fifties, over YouTube, ask for my take on how to deal with her daughter's emotions after a difficult divorce?
All those examples are true. I don't have experience in relationships, so I can't account for a few of those. I've never parented teens - only taken care of children. I have been through divorce, but I was only four..
Why do they ask me?
I suppose it's because I've learned to listen. I've learned to watch, to not make mistakes others have exemplified for me. To follow the advice of people I respect. That the best option is never revenge, but compromise. That the more respect you give, the more you will get.
However, most important to me, and I think to others as well, is that I know how to keep a secret.
I think that's what more people in this world need than anything else - someone just to listen, to comment when asked, but not to repeat. To not judge, to understand, to sympathize, to just lend their shoulder if that's all that's needed... to be the friend we all wish we had, but often don't.
And you know something? The more I try to be that person for others, they are those people for me. That 18 year old is one of my best friends, and he often allows me just to sit - no questions, but recognizing that I just need someone there, to sit in silence and let me think it out. The 21 year old is the person I go to when I need to talk, when I'm frusterated, when I have questions floating about in my head.
That YouTube woman? I haven't talked to her in years. I think we only talked about two weeks, actually. But she called me her "little counselor." I took it to heart - I know I'm not the most knowledgable person on this planet, but I do have something. I share what I know when I can.
What about you? Are you anyone's "little counselor"? COULD you be? Are you trustworthy enough to allow other people to have faith that the crown will not slip from your head?
People will place that crown of trust on your head sooner or later... don't fail them.
As your castles crumble slowly
We watch them fall
The crown slips from heads unworthy
As we gain control.
I'm currently reading a book on the six wives of Henry VIII, so you can imagine that the immediate connection is made. To me, the obvious question presents itself:
What makes a head unworthy - then, or now?
For it wasn't only in the past that 'crowns' were gained or lost by reasons of virtue or goodwill. We might not have literal crowns today (for the most part), but the idea they represent is still very real.
Crowns represent authority, but they also represent a faith of sorts. I don't mean religious faith, but rather more of a belief in the person who wears it; they will treat you fairly, take your interests and concerns to heart, deal with problems that arise, that sort of thing. That they'll be worthy of the trust you've placed in them by allowing them the 'crown'.
I've been thinking a lot about trust these last few weeks. What exactly is it? How do you define trust? I think the explanation of a crown that I just gave is satisfactory enough... if you're just trying to arrive at a very basic idea. However, trust is not just a nice idea. Not just an emotion. To me, it's a tangible thing. Something that is given, taken, felt, and used. It has weight. A lot of it.
What does it take to make a person trustworthy? To me, it's all about that confidentiality agreement. You know, the one you sign when you open a bank account, go to a lawyer or a doctor.. yeah, them. There are, or should be, in my opinion, confidentiality agreements between friends.
You see, you trust a lawyer or a doctor because you have to, because they know a lot about something that you don't and therefore cannot handle adequately. You might not like the guy, but you have to trust his opinion as a trained professional (theoretically, I know there's such things as second opinions!). You trust a friend because you want to.
But there are levels and limits. I do not tell everyone everything. The friend I met over the Internet, but never actually met, does not need to know my personal address <- common example. My coworkers don't need to know if my parents and I just had a fight (no, we didn't).
There are some people I've known for years and years that I would not tell things to, because I know they like to talk and I might not trust them to keep my confidences - or maybe they might, but somehow, friends find out and the fire is lit. I'm sure you've seen it happen. There are others I've known for less than a year that I would easily spill my guts to, because they've proven themselves able to discriminate between what should and shouldn't be repeated.
People have said that I'm trustworthy... but I'm still trying to figure out what classifies me as such. What makes a 16 year old girl come to ask my advice in regards to telling her father she's found a boy she'd like to date? An 18 year old boy come to me first when he's hung over and needs someone just to be there? A 21 year old man ask my opinion on why his friend may not want him to make friends with a certain girl - a 40 year old mother request parenting advice on her teen who's pushing boundaries - a woman in her fifties, over YouTube, ask for my take on how to deal with her daughter's emotions after a difficult divorce?
All those examples are true. I don't have experience in relationships, so I can't account for a few of those. I've never parented teens - only taken care of children. I have been through divorce, but I was only four..
Why do they ask me?
I suppose it's because I've learned to listen. I've learned to watch, to not make mistakes others have exemplified for me. To follow the advice of people I respect. That the best option is never revenge, but compromise. That the more respect you give, the more you will get.
However, most important to me, and I think to others as well, is that I know how to keep a secret.
I think that's what more people in this world need than anything else - someone just to listen, to comment when asked, but not to repeat. To not judge, to understand, to sympathize, to just lend their shoulder if that's all that's needed... to be the friend we all wish we had, but often don't.
And you know something? The more I try to be that person for others, they are those people for me. That 18 year old is one of my best friends, and he often allows me just to sit - no questions, but recognizing that I just need someone there, to sit in silence and let me think it out. The 21 year old is the person I go to when I need to talk, when I'm frusterated, when I have questions floating about in my head.
That YouTube woman? I haven't talked to her in years. I think we only talked about two weeks, actually. But she called me her "little counselor." I took it to heart - I know I'm not the most knowledgable person on this planet, but I do have something. I share what I know when I can.
What about you? Are you anyone's "little counselor"? COULD you be? Are you trustworthy enough to allow other people to have faith that the crown will not slip from your head?
People will place that crown of trust on your head sooner or later... don't fail them.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
The Faithful Ones
I have been mucking my way through the quagmire of The Complete Illustrated Sherlock Holmes (Doyle, Arthur C. The Complete Illustrated Sherlock Holmes. First ed. London: CRW Publishing Limited, 2009. Print.) - if you care to know which edition exactly - for almost a month.
It's a huge book. Eight hundred and fifty-five pages, with font size 10 or 11 at most, and interspersed with penciled sketches averaging an eighth of a page, every second page or so. No space wasted, that's for sure.
It's interesting, but also a little tedius.. Sherlock Holmes is an amazing character and thinker, very round and in depth, but one can only read so many 19th-century mysteries before they cease to be exciting and fresh, and sink to the depths of mere melodrama. However, I've only 170 pages to go, and I fully intend to see it finished. I am and will always be devoted to the end.
Wait. Did that strike a chord with you? To the end. What does that imply? Nothing will stop the bearer of such words until his or her mission is complete.
Brazen, unabashed loyalty, that's what. A strong conviction and devotion to what one holds dear. Sherlock Holmes is chock full of it.
It seems like half the stories are either of spouses who were mistakenly identified as having been killed and had come to claim their better halves (who, of course are remarried and desirous to avoid scandal), or that the person was GOING to marry so and so but some vicious rival killed him/her and now said person has sworn revenge, and will stop at nothing to get it.
Loyalty, in any form - whether it be between a married couple, or a criminal to the rest of his gang - is quite impervious to me. Understanding eludes my grasp.. what makes a person so strong that they would face imprisonment, torture, a broken heart, or even death to save something or someone they were beholden to? Lovers do it, but so do soldiers. It can be choice, or it can be duty. It is a hard man whose soul betokens no loyalty to any object or personage - but what, dear fellows, is the cause?
Some situations exist where the reasons are easily perceived and comprehended. The previous example of a lover comes to mind. What about, though, those who are violated by the one they love and yet still hold the cords of love within their grasp?
Or, again, to the man of war. His duty it is to defend his homeland, but nothing save loyalty to the cause would charge him with staying in the line when every instinct screams for him to run.
I give you a personal and current example. I have often been called niave and too trusting of the people I am intimately aquainted with; many times it has resulted in my being the butt end of a joke because I erronously believed things said by my friends, even against my own better judgment. Why, you ask?
It is because I believe, in the very depths of my soul, that if I were not to engage my trust fully and explicitly in the ones I love, that I should dishonor our relationship. Even if a friend told me there was a piano "on the roof" (a truthful example), when we were indoors and I knew that it was an impossibility that a piano should be suspended from the ceiling, and yet I still turn to look, causing much laughter among the company; even then, when told a second time a half hour later, and even though I know such a thing is an absurdity and I certainly didn't see one the first time, I turn to look again.. it is because I hold trust, honesty, and loyalty in the highest regard.
I would not willingly believe that a friend would deceive me, even in fun, although it's happened more times than I can care to count. It seems to me the very epitome of disloyalty and repulsive behaviour if I were to disregard a friend as being untruthful, that somehow I've placed no stock in the depth of our relationship and aquaintance, that I should treat them so terribly.
Call me crazy - others have. But I can't do it. So I continue to serve as the punchline. And the question remains.. why?
Because. That is my picture of loyalty. I can't shake it; believe me, I've tried. But something is stronger and holds more true than the mocking of such a ridiculous person as I can be, and have been - and that is the love and regard of my friends, which only under extraordinary circumstances would I let slip.
What do you hold dear? What keeps you strong for that time when nothing else will? Why?
What does the word 'loyalty' mean to you?
It's a huge book. Eight hundred and fifty-five pages, with font size 10 or 11 at most, and interspersed with penciled sketches averaging an eighth of a page, every second page or so. No space wasted, that's for sure.
It's interesting, but also a little tedius.. Sherlock Holmes is an amazing character and thinker, very round and in depth, but one can only read so many 19th-century mysteries before they cease to be exciting and fresh, and sink to the depths of mere melodrama. However, I've only 170 pages to go, and I fully intend to see it finished. I am and will always be devoted to the end.
Wait. Did that strike a chord with you? To the end. What does that imply? Nothing will stop the bearer of such words until his or her mission is complete.
Brazen, unabashed loyalty, that's what. A strong conviction and devotion to what one holds dear. Sherlock Holmes is chock full of it.
It seems like half the stories are either of spouses who were mistakenly identified as having been killed and had come to claim their better halves (who, of course are remarried and desirous to avoid scandal), or that the person was GOING to marry so and so but some vicious rival killed him/her and now said person has sworn revenge, and will stop at nothing to get it.
Loyalty, in any form - whether it be between a married couple, or a criminal to the rest of his gang - is quite impervious to me. Understanding eludes my grasp.. what makes a person so strong that they would face imprisonment, torture, a broken heart, or even death to save something or someone they were beholden to? Lovers do it, but so do soldiers. It can be choice, or it can be duty. It is a hard man whose soul betokens no loyalty to any object or personage - but what, dear fellows, is the cause?
Some situations exist where the reasons are easily perceived and comprehended. The previous example of a lover comes to mind. What about, though, those who are violated by the one they love and yet still hold the cords of love within their grasp?
Or, again, to the man of war. His duty it is to defend his homeland, but nothing save loyalty to the cause would charge him with staying in the line when every instinct screams for him to run.
I give you a personal and current example. I have often been called niave and too trusting of the people I am intimately aquainted with; many times it has resulted in my being the butt end of a joke because I erronously believed things said by my friends, even against my own better judgment. Why, you ask?
It is because I believe, in the very depths of my soul, that if I were not to engage my trust fully and explicitly in the ones I love, that I should dishonor our relationship. Even if a friend told me there was a piano "on the roof" (a truthful example), when we were indoors and I knew that it was an impossibility that a piano should be suspended from the ceiling, and yet I still turn to look, causing much laughter among the company; even then, when told a second time a half hour later, and even though I know such a thing is an absurdity and I certainly didn't see one the first time, I turn to look again.. it is because I hold trust, honesty, and loyalty in the highest regard.
I would not willingly believe that a friend would deceive me, even in fun, although it's happened more times than I can care to count. It seems to me the very epitome of disloyalty and repulsive behaviour if I were to disregard a friend as being untruthful, that somehow I've placed no stock in the depth of our relationship and aquaintance, that I should treat them so terribly.
Call me crazy - others have. But I can't do it. So I continue to serve as the punchline. And the question remains.. why?
Because. That is my picture of loyalty. I can't shake it; believe me, I've tried. But something is stronger and holds more true than the mocking of such a ridiculous person as I can be, and have been - and that is the love and regard of my friends, which only under extraordinary circumstances would I let slip.
What do you hold dear? What keeps you strong for that time when nothing else will? Why?
What does the word 'loyalty' mean to you?
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