[This is not part 3 of that little mini-series of thoughts. Sorry. However, if you were expecting that, worry not.. It's still on my heart and I'll get to it soon.]
This weekend was our church's Young Adults retreat. We went to Elkhart Lodge (http://elkhart.webs.com/). It was fun, and I had a good time, but in the same clause I was uncomfortable. Not from the cold (it was freezing haha), or anything like that. Just being around these people.
And it's been like that for a long time. It's not because I don't like them. And until this weekend, I wasn't even exactly sure why. But whenever I would go to the Young Adults services, or even to church, I'd get that feeling. I stopped going to the services, and at church I sat with younger friends who were still in highschool, instead of the older ones in YA.
Anyways, at the retreat we had a little worship/prayer session as a group, that feeling came again as I was around all these young adults. But this time, I realized what it was, and the thought just came:
I don't know where I belong here.
It's not that I don't feel like I DON'T belong. I feel accepted and on equal terms with everyone. I just don't know where I fit in. Part of it has to do with age. I'm one of the youngest people there. Nearly everyone, excepting about maybe 10 people (out of maybe 50 or 60) is at least three years older, if not more. But there are still a few younger than me, that have found places in the band, and other things. So there goes that reason.
It's hard to explain, but even though I'm 20 I still feel like a child there; as if, because of my at times boundless energy and ADD speech patterns, they still view me as this reckless, crazy teenager that still has to grow up. And in a way, I can't blame them. It's like as soon as I enter the room, I'm just happy to be around all these people I admire and would love to be friends with (or, better friends anyway) and I just get excited. And when I get excited I do blubber around and bounce and act like a fool more often than not. But I also feel like that's the only me that they know, so that's the person I have to be around them. Like they'll never figure out that there's a serious side too, that knows I'm ridiculous but I just don't know how to interact with them any other way because this is all they've ever seen.
And that's blocking me from having a deeper relationship with these people. Some of them I've known since I was in elementary and they were in middle and high school. I mean, it really should be a non-issue. But it is, and I know it is because it happens all the time. That session wasn't the only time it happened at the retreat.. Saturday there were two girls playing a game, and I wanted to play, but I was too afraid to ask; by the time I worked up the courage to see if maybe I could join in the next round, they were cleaning it up. I lost my chance to engage and strengthen a relationship because I don't trust myself to interact with them and not be an idiot because that's the only thing I know how to do.
At that same session, when we were done worshiping we got into small groups to pray with each other. I was with four other people, one whom I'd never met, and all older than me, as per the usual. We took turns being "in the spotlight" so to say, and when my turn came I didn't really move into the center as the others had. The tallest guy, and the one who I knew the least (aside from the one I'd just met), said something to the effect of not having to be afraid.
I wanted to turn and say, "It's not that I'm afraid. I just don't know who I am here." I said nothing, however, as I was pretty close to tears at that point from thinking all of this out and having no answers. The funniest things happen, though, when they're least expected. That's exactly what he prayed for me. That I would have answers.
He mentioned this blog and how I have no difficulty asking hard questions and figuring things out, and asked for a blessing on me in wisdom - so that I would have answers when people came to me with questions, and when my own questions reared up as well.
God's amazing like that, you know. I said nothing out loud, but that man prayed a direct answer to my thoughts of the last hour.
And you know, I've been thinking a lot about what he said. The others' prayers for me were very nice and encouraging as well, and I won't forget them, but what he said struck home.
In person, I'm a silly girl who jumps thoughts every three seconds and has to keep moving in order to focus on anything 90% of the time. I laugh about the smallest things, including my own jokes, and I love to quote poetry and novels.
On Facebook, on this blog, in text.. anything where I remain nothing but a name, I turn into this other person who is capable of carrying on long conversations about things that actually matter, and even sounding intelligent once in a while. It's like those newspaper advice columns... I can be that person who can answer a question and give decent advice, but it's so much easier on the computer because the other person can't see how many times I click on other links, or take a few minutes to play cards, or generally get distracted at all. I can focus on the conversation inbetween everything else, but the other person doesn't know any better. In person, it's so different, because thoughts just jump out that don't connect and I'm always looking everywhere and I'm sure people just give up, because I look like I'm not paying attention.
I feel like two people.
All this goes to say that I want to change. I want to mellow out my distinct personalities and mold them together to create a more even person. I want to be able to pull out a quieter, less distracting Ashleigh so I don't feel like I have to be that crazy retard when I'm around other people because I don't know what else to do.
I want to get past the feeling that I'm inadequate when it comes to being friends with other, older young adults.
I want to them to know this part of me, too; that I am more than just that random, that I can be someone they can actually have a conversation with.
I want to be friends, on a deeper level than I am now. More than just a "Hey, how are you, how's the weather?" aquaintance.
I want to fight for what I dream of.
And the only way I know how to do that is to push the limits. My limits. To just ask if I can join the game.
Bravery isn't doing what the heroes do. It's doing what you think you can't.
Only to discover that you're much more than capable.
There is nothing stopping me except myself.
What do you dream of? What's stopping you? The first step is just to identify it. When you want to clean that storage closet, but you freeze every time you open the door. Realize that you feel overwhelmed.
Second step is strategy. Don't take on the entire war. One battle at a time. Just do one shelf. Ignore the rest until you're finished that one shelf. Then congratulate yourself on the progress.
Third step?
Fight for the rest, and don't finish until you're where you want to be.
I'll be asking for a coffee date tomorrow.
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