The History Of Us. Onions. Me.

I have a confession to make.  Sometimes, I hate this blog.

Not all the time, though.  Usually, we get along just fine.  Sometimes, though, like tonight.. I don't have anything that I feel super passionate about to blog on.  Sometimes, like tonight, I forget to blog at all.  Those two reasons are why the blog is late half the time.. my goal is to publish every Saturday and Wednesday.  And I feel like I've failed to some degree if I don't get them done by those days, even if there's a good reason.  Which makes me dislike it more.

I feel like I'm bound to this blog, as a prisoner is chained to the next man in line.  I can't get away from it.  Sometimes, it's good to have the help and conversation the person beside you can give, but when you see that person every day, sometimes enough is enough.

Many of you don't even know why this blog originated.  I thought that you might be interested in that story, since I'm more than three months into this journey of writing.  I also figure you're probably wondering why I still write it if I'm not loving it all the time anymore.. I plan to explain that, too.

I was in Bible School last year.  Our final assignment was a project that incorporated a goodly percentage of all that we'd learned through the year, especially the information imbued upon us in a class called Research Methods. 

For my final assignment, I wrote a story, called Forgiving Jack.  It's a short story, written about an uncle's perspective on the effects on his young nephew of his parents' divorce.  Our project was marked by the dean of the school and one of the church's pastors.  Both judges gave each presentor a mark based on how well they implemented their gained knowledge into the project (projects ranged from a painting, to my story, to mock leadership retreats, to Bible studies, to essays), as well as creativity and content; they also offered ciriticism and praise to each presentor after they'd been up.

I had printed out copies and distributed them previous to the class I was scheduled, and asked them to read it and think about some discussion questions I had written out.  During my presentation, which I formatted after a high school English short story discussion class, we talked about the questions and my own experiences with divorce, as well as advice given and received, and conversations I'd with others.  After I was finished, the pastor (who usually went first) turned to the dean and said, "I'm gonna hand this one over to Trudy," and proceeded to say nothing else.  Trudy, rather caught on the spot, said some things about how mine was a little harder to mark because of its being a narrative, and how it was obvious that I had learned something but how it's hard to incorporate that into a story, but she liked it, etc.  Similar comments to what the others had received for their projects.

So I thought I wouldn't get any comments from Pastor Ed, but after Trudy was finished, he turns to me and starts talking.  I don't recall all that he said, but I remember him asking, "Do you enjoy writing?" To which I replied, "I feel like I was born to write."  Which isn't exactly true, but what is true is that I do enjoy writing more than any other form of communication save direct conversation, and that I do think I'm decent at it.  He said he thinks I write well, and the conversation ended with him telling me, "This is what I think you should do.  Start a website, and put your story on it.  Get it out there, because I think there's power in this to heal people."  He told me to go talk to the church's staff counselor and see what she thought and if she had any ideas.

Enter a momentary break in my thoughts here.  That scared the crap out of me.  I didn't say anything, but I was like, no, absolutely not, I didn't write this for the public, I wrote this for this class.  I don't want people asking me for advice.  I'm not doing it.  And I didn't.  After that class ended, I kept on with my life, getting ready to finish the school year and prepare for a trip to Africa.  But it didn't leave my mind.

I thought about it all summer, and didn't do anything till about halfway through.  Then, I finally made an appointment with the counselor, Linda.  She wasn't really sure what to tell me, but we talked and I told her what Pastor Ed said, and she gave me some ideas.  One of which was to blog.  Again, I walked away from that and did nothing right away... but it 'percolated', ideas slowly dripping into my brain as coffee does into the pot. 

One day, I was supposed to go see a movie with my brother..  and he ended up sick that night and I ended up going alone to a different movie.  Afterward, the emotions I felt and the things I was thinking provided the last push I needed, and when I got home, I finally decided to start this blog.

So there you have it.  Originally, this blog was going to be me sharing my stories and my experiences through divorce and how I've handled it and healed past hurts.  It turned into me blogging about all of life. 

As I've said, sometimes I hate it.  Sometimes I forget about it.  I can't really decide if I like having what is basically a public journal, more or less.  But I haven't quit.

I haven't quit for two reasons.  Firstly, because I miss writing.  This is good practice.  This keeps me accountable to produce something on a regular basis.  It's keeping me in literary shape, so to speak.  It's a challenge - to try to get my ideas across, to explain them in a way many people will understand.  Sometimes, just to have an idea at all.

The second reason is this.  Perhaps this is bigger than me.  Perhaps, in my weeks of avoiding this, I didn't forget about it for a reason.  Maybe I was meant to write that story, to get those people to tell me to do things I wasn't into doing when they told me, to start this for something I'm not aware of.  Or maybe I am.  How am I to know?  The thought that keeps me going more often than not is that maybe, this blog will change someone's life.

In turn, your comments mean the world to me.  They keep me motivated, and help me to know whether I'm on track with what I think about the world and life.  All of my Onions fans are so awesome, and it's such a blessing to know I have more than one regular reader.  You guys are so encouraging.  Thank you.

So my challenge to you today is to keep on.  Live your life the best you know how.  Accept challenges, new perspectives, and other ideas.  Learn from those who know more, and share what you know with others.  Because maybe, just as I might be changing lives without knowing it, so too may you be.