Today I finished the book The Betrayal by Beverly Lewis. It is the second in a five part series about an Amish family with five daughters and the trials they go through from the point of the eldest's Rumschpringe (or the period from the sixteenth birthday until a young adult chooses to formally be baptised into the church or to leave the community and is a 'running around' period meant to allow Amish young adults to experience a bit more of the world and to find a suitable marriage partner within the faith) and continues throughout the next few years with excerpts from each daughter's point of view.
The books are good, easy reads that give you a fairly decent picture of traditional Old Order Amish lifestyle, and I own several of Lewis' works. The Betrayal mostly tells the story of the second oldest daughter of the family, Leah, and her beau, Jonas. At the beginning of the book, they are madly in love and participating in the traditional routines of Amish courtship practices, which include going to barn singings with other young folks, and horse and buggy rides late into the night. Over the course of the book, Jonas gets offered a wonderful opportunity to master a trade in another church district, in another state altogether, and ends up taking it. Meanwhile, another youth at home, Gideon, is the young man chosen to marry Leah by her father.. but everyone knows Leah loves Jonas and Gid refuses to destroy it.
Gid gives Leah a German Shepherd puppy, and one day some months later she gets lost in the wood behind her home, and together, Gid and the dog King end up rescuing her and bringing her back. Leah's older sister Sadie espies them holding hands on the way home, but doesn't ask for an explanation and begins to jump to conclusions. Near the end of the book, Sadie moves out to Ohio where Jonas is working for a change of scenery, and through a myriad of misinterpretations, destroyed or discarded letters, and hastily made phone calls, Leah and Jonas both end up believing that they've been cheated on weeks before their planned wedding - Leah with Gideon, and Jonas with Sadie. The wedding is called off, for reasons that had they spoken directly, would've been easily and swiftly dealt with. However, because of the patched together information from other sources and the strict rules of the Amish church regarding courtship before marriage, neither Leah nor Jonas know the truth until it's too late.
I can't tell you what happens beyond that, because I only have the first and second books. (I will be visiting the library shortly!) But reading that today, it kind of struck me in a new way how fragile relationships are.
Think of the person you would consider your best, or at least a very dear, friend. Someone you know inside and out, sometimes better than yourself. Now think of someone you met in the past week. You have relationships with both these people... but they're obviously not the same. What's the difference? The answer should be jumping out at you right now - time. You've spent time with one and not the other.
It takes hours, days, weeks, years.. you get the point.. to build a solid relationship. Those hours can't just be idle chatter all the time, either... they must be at times be spent in earnest discussion, at times in laughter, at times in tears, at times in silence.
However, despite all those hours invested, it can take but one wrongly worded statement, but one lie, but one bit of gossip to destroy in one fell swoop every iota of trust that exists.. er, existed.
And once gone, it is possibly gone forever - and you're gonna have to work hard if you want it back.
I think, though, that the most powerful relationship repairing tools are the words, "I'm sorry," and "I forgive you,", of course, provided that they're meant sincerely and one makes an effort to remedy and not repeat one's mistake.
Recognizing and taking responsibility of one's erronous ways and mistakes goes far in repairing a hurt relationship, but sometimes it takes more than just words of apology. Sometimes it takes actions. And sometimes, it takes time. Sometimes, there is nothing one can do except offer their most sincere apology and walk away knowing one did one's best.
After reading that book, and knowing things from all perspectives, it was very frustrating to see the characters struggle in the ways they did because they chose to obey the laws of communicating only by written word, even when important letters (which were tampered with by other people) never seemed to arrive or be delivered, or even worse, were never written because of one three reasons: i) they were afraid to write, b) they assumed things, or c) they listened to others who themselves had only partial pieces of the puzzle.
Which made me think about how much I'd stake to save a relationship I cared about when it was on rocky ground. Would I rely on what others said about people involved and what they saw or heard? I think I would be interested, but they're subject to their own opinions and biases too. I've learned too that jumping to conclusions and assuming things is never the route to travel either..
I once had a friend text me and say how he felt betrayed by some people he knew and didn't feel like he could associate with them anymore. I encouraged him to aquiesce to their request to talk, however, and I told him exactly this: that as long as he didn't talk to them, any answers to the questions he had were merely guesses. He may have guessed correctly, but there was also the possibility that he had not. I told him that simply for his own eventual peace of mind, he should go speak to them, instead of making assumptions.
He did speak to them. Most of his guesses were correct. However, some apologies were given and issues dealt with, and they are still close friends today... even after a deep hurt. Because the words "I'm sorry," and "Will you forgive me?" came into play, and because he overcame his anger and pain enough to at least hear their side.
So what will you do? We all have been and will be hurt by someone we love. What are you willing to put at stake - your relationship, or your pride? What's more worth saving?
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