No Pain, No Gain

A long time ago, I was taught to never leave blank spaces.

You know what I mean.  In art class.  I'd be drawing.  There would come a point where I would have no more ideas and therefore considered myself finished.  Then the teacher would come along and look.  If she saw white, she would say, "You're not finished.. there's still space.  Fill it up, Ashleigh - use your imagination and draw whatever you want.  There's no right or wrong, as long as you fill the page.  I know there's more inside of you... fill the page, sweetheart."

So I did.  I learned to fill pages with my emotions, my thoughts, my ideas, my plans.  I reached a level in my artistic ability where there was never a problem with using the space.  But tonight I realized that somewhere along the line, I've forgotten that most simple of lessons - to not stop at what you think is finished, but to reach out and push yourself, to strive, to create.  Until you've filled the space.

Tonight I'm babysitting.  The boy is three years old, and there are crayons and paper on the table.  I filled the space with color and emotion, just as I'd been taught.. but about halfway, I almost stopped.  Because I wasn't sure what to do or where to go next.  That's when it hit me - this piece of paper is just like my life.

So much has happened to me in the last week that my head is still spinning.  Even tonight, I wasn't sure what to blog on... my planned idea seemed so unfit for the way I feel right now.  So, instead of blogging, I drew.  And through that simple, childlike experience, I grew.  And so I knew then that that's what I would tell you.  So here's the spew. ;)

Basically, that page is my life, the crayons are my experiences, and I am the artist.  This summer I was stuck.  Blank.  Left with white spaces.  I had no idea where to go or what to do.  I was getting depressed.

Let me say that I don't think I wasted my whole summer.  I put a lot of time and effort into growing some newer friendships and I'm glad I had the time and opportunity to do that.  But my plan after getting back from Africa in May had been to work all summer, fall, winter.. and then see what happens.  I was going to revert back to where I had been at after I graduated high school. I had three plans.. a) go to university, b) travel abroad, or c) go up north and apprentice to a musher.  It didn't work out that way.

After Bible school I lost any motivation for education.. I needed a break.  Going up north didn't appeal to me any longer.  I wasn't finding a job, even though I put effort into searching.  I decided I wanted to go to Europe, and started looking into options to get there.

Nothing worked, and I sat at home for weeks on end, doing nothing with the majority of my time.  I was bored, frustrated, and sinking deeper into the depression that had already started.

A few weeks ago, I looked up.  I knew I was depressed because I was choosing more and more to sleep my days away, and I wasn't okay with that.  So finally, I asked God - "What's the plan?  Nothing I want is working and I've lost all my drive.  I know I'm not useless and that there's a place for me... what is it?"

Nothing happened right that second, but I was driven back into my Bible, searching for answers.  It was encouraging, but it still wasn't fixing my problem.. my future was still a huge, blank space.  I posted about how my dreams seemed to be crumbling on Facebook, and my friend's mother offered to meet me for coffee and a chat.  She's not exactly professional.. but she is amazing at planning things and setting goals, and I knew that's what I needed to do - so I said yes.

The first time was a few days after the post, and my mood had lightened considerably, and I REALLY didn't want to go.  That made me sure that I had to.... because for me, there are two types of "not want" feelings:  1) the regular "I don't really mind if I miss this and it won't affect my life too much if I do (for example, watching Survivor or sometimes missing an event), but then there's b) I really don't want to go and can't get it off my mind, and all I can think about is how much I don't want to go.  This meeting was defnintely not want to B.  I know from experience that whenever feeling B shows up, that whatever I want to avoid must definitely not be avoided.  I went.

She hasn't shared with me a ton that I don't know.  I'd say 70-80% of what she's told me in two meetings I knew already... but the difference comes in when you are pushed to apply it to your own life, instead of just spitting it out from memory like you would facts on a test.  That was what I wasn't doing - applying it.  Coloring the spaces.  In fact, I would have to say I was running from it.  Leaving the spaces blank because I was too discouraged from past attempts to make things work that failed.  She changed that for me.

I am inspired again.  I'm learning how to set goals and keep them - something I've never really done.  I'm an accountability person.  Being accountable to this lady, to be accountable to myself, is the best thing I've done for me in a long time.  In the Bible it says clearly, "Without a vision, the people perish."  Another common quote says, "Fail to plan, plan to fail."  I still had my ideas, but I wasn't applying them to the paper of my life.  I wasn't planning, and I was failing.. and miserably, too.

Since that first meeting two weeks ago, when I decided that my life had to change and I had to remotivate myself to move forward, several things have happened.  I got a call from a job I had applied for.  I went for the interview.  Yesterday, I found out that I have the job.  I start Monday.  I've looked into university again, and I'm seriously considering reapplying.

I reviewed my colors and I'm excited about the prospect of blank space to be filled.  I took my ideas and former goals that I ditched on a shelf in the back of my brain and dusted them off.  I have a plan once again, and this time I'm not trying to set things up on my own.  I've learned that staying motivated, even when ideas don't work out the first time, is way easier when you firstly give it up to the Master Artist and say, "I need a little nudge... can you show me the way?" and secondly when you surround yourself with people who encourage you to push yourself and applaud your successes along the way.

Even this blog has renewed life within it.. I've wanted to quit, but one very dear friend of mine texted or facebooked me every Saturday to tell me she loved my writing and to keep going, to not give up.  There would only be about 5 posts if it weren't for Kira Machek.

And there would still be a very sad and bored Ashleigh if God hadn't nudged me in Jody Wielgosz's direction, and through her shown me that my goals are worth keeping and accomplishing.

I know you both read this, and I want to publicly thank you from the bottom of my heart for everything you've done for me.  I love you and I pray that God blesses you richly for the help you've been to me.

This is a really long blog, and I'm sorry for that.  But that's where I am tonight.  I'm the artist of my own sheet of paper, and I've new ideas and a new excitement for the blank spaces.  I hope this encourages you to start drawing again, to begin to fill up the white spots on your own sheet of life paper - because your goals, dreams and ideas are worth saving, too.