Because Jordan Dared Me.

Words can be injurious.  We all know that.  However, have you ever thought about how a lack of words could potentially do more damage?  In the last few hours, that's really all I could think about.

You may not understand right away.  That's okay.  We as a society have been taught time and time again to view things from one perspective, and it takes some serious work to break out of that box and see life from a different angle.

So when you think about words, and how they hurt, the first thing that probably comes to mind is some form of bullying or verbal abuse.  These are bad.  They do hurt.  People are victims all the time... less than a week ago, a young homosexual boy shot himself in the head because of the abuse he received at school:

http://www.kidglue.com/2010/09/30/asher-brown-suicide-parents-speak-out-against-bullying-watch/

He was the third young male to do so in three weeks.  All for the same reason. 

Not that I'm advocating homosexuality.  I'm strongly against it.  But that boy's life was worth something - and he chose to end it because of words.  Not every situation is that intense, but every situation matters. 

Earlier this week, I heard someone speak for a few minutes on self esteem.  I knew what it was, of course, but he gave me a new understanding of the words, and therefore a deeper appreciation for what they signify.  Self esteem is literally self estimation.  Let me make that a little clearer.  It's how you estimate yourself.  Your skills. Your abilities.  Your looks.  Your personality.  Your worth.  A person who esteems himself well is a rare sight today.  Most of us already underestimate ourselves considerably - and it isn't hard for the little estimation we allow ourselves to get pushed aside by sneering, angry, hurtful words.... or a lack of words at all.

You're probably still wondering what I meant by that.  If you've figured it out, congratulations.  If not.. imagine this.  A high school sports team.  Every school has one.  That new kid that joined this season.  Not much skill-wise, and sort of a social outcast.  Nobody talks to him unless they have to.

Direct words can and do cut, but it's been proven that people will take a verbally abusive relationship over absolute solitude, without contact of any kind.  Nobody wants to be ignored, and in some ways, that can hurt more than being bullied.  Nobody's stupid enough to not notice when everyone else is avoiding them.

My sister and I were talking about her cheer team today.  This is going on there, what I will call a silent form of bullying.  Together, the team seems strong, and they talk with each other.  There are five boys and I think about twenty two girls, give or take one or two.  They work as a team, and in practice everyone seems to get along fine... but as soon as practice is over and there's only two or three left, the words start.

"I really, really don't like her."  "He's so weird, I wish he'd never joined the team."  "She shouldn't have made it, she..."  During practice, it's noticable, too.  They work together because they have to.  But for the most part, the experienced ones stay in a group on water breaks.  A couple of the guys are consistantly ignored by the girls - thankfully, the guys treat each other decently and fairly, and they seem to be striking up friendships.  But I can't help but see when those two or three that six, or seven, or even all of the team "don't like" show up for practice, and get constantly ignored.. not even a hello, or how was your day... and I see the pain in their eyes as they face the rejection.  And even if they don't hear the words, they get the message.

It hurts me.  It really does.  I mean, I can understand if perhaps they have a bad day with another person and maybe they grated on each other's nerves.  That happens. 

But when my sister started in on a few people again tonight when we were talking, I turned to her and I was like, "Why don't you like so-and-so?  She seems really nice."  My sister shrugged her shoulders and was like, "I don't know.. I just don't."

I was floored.  I almost wanted to pound her into the floor... but obviously she hasn't thought this out much.  So I didn't.  It seems to be common at her school.  It seems to be common everywhere.  That really, really, REALLY bothers me. 

She said something about one of the guys, and I was like, "Why can't you give him a chance?!?  He may not have his skills perfected yet, but he's a first year!  Sometimes people take a little longer to learn.. and this is definitely not natural for any of those boys."  She chose to focus on what he was doing wrong that day, and how many times they've corrected him, "but he still doesn't get it."  No mention was made of his awesome attitude toward cheer, his natural affibility with his teammates, how much he was improving on other aspects of the routine in the few weeks he'd been part of the team. 

It seems like this is becoming part and parcel of today's culture.  I'm ashamed to say that much of my generation (the '90's kids), have grown up either without being taught to consider, or even worse, choosing to ignore how they might be affecting the feelings of others.  They don't want to take responsibility for their words, because that would mean realizing the damage that all those tiny daggers they have shot out every day for so long actually hurt people.  Or, they follow that age old adage, "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all."  I don't think the author of that statement meant for individuals to be blandly ignored.  Either extreme causes unnecessary pain.

The Bible explains it well...I really don't think it gets much better than this:

If your hand causes you to sin, cut it off. It's better to enter eternal life with only one hand than to go into the unquenchable fires of hell with two hands.
- Mark 9:43

In other words, if there's a part of you that causes damage and hurt to others, either change it or get rid of it.  We are losing the ability to focus on the positives of people.  I don't want to see more damaged kids.  I don't want to see self esteem sink lower and lower.  I don't want to see more suicides because we as a society couldn't control our tongues. 

Every time I'm at cheer practice, I make a point of talking to those kids who are on the outside.  I tell them I'm happy they're there.  I tell them they did a great job that day.  I point out things I've noticed they improved on.  I do whatever I can to make sure they know that at least one other person aside from the coach is glad they're alive and they showed up today.

I know it's not Saturday, and I know that until now, I've been blogging on the weekends. But this caused enough turmoil within my heart for those kids that I felt strongly that I had to write. Today.

I'm trying to train my brain to see the good, and transfer that ability to the muscle in my mouth.  I don't want to hurt others.  There's enough people doing that.  It's hard work sometimes, but as with anything, it comes easier with practice.

What about you?  Are you one who continually tears folks down, or do you put effort into building others up?  Be mindful of what you say - and we all can always improve. 

There's no better time to make the decision to change the way you speak than right now.  The next step is to act on it.