Right this moment, my mother has just finished crying. I'm not sure what she was crying about - I never asked.It's not that I don't love my mother, or want to comfort her, or that I don't care... but my step dad was already there. And I realized something.
This is how I should've felt ten years ago.
My parents separated when I was four, and although my mother dated several men before finding the right man (who is amazing and they're about ten years together), she often felt alone and frusterated. Understandable, as a single mother of two young children (my sister was two years old), and having to provide all the necessities of life on her own. My father sent money and came to see us, but in the early years both cash and visits were somewhat scarce. (Past is past, and the situation improved, they now get along famously).
Throughout the six or so years we were a three person family, things often arose that stressed her out or made her cry, and as the oldest child and often the only one around she could talk to, I became her confidante in a lot of things, ranging from finances to work stress to anger with my dad over some thing he did or didn't do.
I don't blame her for that. It probably wasn't the best way to be raised, and we both realize it - but I'm glad to know that if I helped her get through it a little bit, then it was worth it. It also taught me a lot about communication and family dynamics, things I've communicated to others to help in their family situations. It showed me things I never would've learned otherwise about commitment, love, hardship, strength, and ultimately in later years, forgiveness.
Good or bad, I don't care. It is what it is, and no one can change the past. That's the way it was.. until now. Until I just realized something. This is how it would've felt, ten years ago, if things were different.
Because Tony is there, taking the role as husband, comforter, supporter - as he rightfully should - I don't have to. I could ask, and sometimes I do, but it's not my responsibility or obligation. I used to think it was, and it caused me to grow up a lot faster than some kids. Not that I mind taking it. My mom and I are best friends, and I'm okay with still being that person - occassionally.
But no longer all the time.
I'm sitting here, writing this, feeling free. Feeling like the child I used to be but never really was. I'm grateful for the chance to know what it feels like to let someone else, whose rightful position is such, be the person I used to try to be. To know that I know my mom loves me, and I love her, but that it's okay to let Tony step in and be her husband, that they need to do this together and maybe it's better if I just stay out.
I feel like a kid - and even if it's ten years late, I'm glad I know what it feels like to be a kid and to let my mom have what she needed so long ago.
Better late than never.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Son, Have You Seen The World?
I've blogged a few times about songs from the artist Rise Against. I'm about to do so again.
I haven't listened to them tons lately, but there's a new dishwasher at work and he likes them a lot. So I was sitting there, working, this afternoon, when a song came on that I've heard before.
However, I recently really heard it for the first time, just a few weeks ago.
It's called Hero Of War.
I debated for a long time about whether to post the lyrics, as they contain some foul language and descriptions of violence.. however, it didn't feel right just to describe the situations to you. It would water it down. Therefore, if you have a minor around that likes to read over your shoulder (I was one of those) and you don't want them reading this.. send them away now.
Rise Against - Hero Of War
He said "Son, have you seen the world?
Well, what would you say if I said that you could?
Just carry this gun and you'll even get paid."
I said "That sounds pretty good."
Black leather boots
Spit-shined so bright
They cut off my hair but it looked alright
We marched and we sang
We all became friends
As we learned how to fight
A hero of war
Yeah that's what I'll be
And when I come home
They'll be damn proud of me
I'll carry this flag
To the grave if I must
Because it's a flag that I love
And a flag that I trust
I kicked in the door
I yelled my commands
The children, they cried
But I got my man
We took him away
A bag over his face
From his family and his friends
They took off his clothes
They pissed in his hands
I told them to stop
But then I joined in
We beat him with guns
And batons not just once
But again and again
A hero of war
Yeah that's what I'll be
And when I come home
They'll be damn proud of me
I'll carry this flag
To the grave if I must
Because it's a flag that I love
And a flag that I trust
She walked through bullets and haze
I asked her to stop
I begged her to stay
But she pressed on
So I lifted my gun
And I fired away
The shells jumped through the smoke
And into the sand
That the blood now had soaked
She collapsed with a flag in her hand
A flag white as snow
A hero of war
Is that what they see
Just medals and scars
So damn proud of me
And I brought home that flag
Now it gathers dust
But it's a flag that I love
It's the only flag I trust
He said, "Son, have you seen the world?
Well what would you say, if I said that you could?"
Last night I finished the book A Lucky Child: A Memoir of Surviving Auschwitz as a Young Boy, by Thomas Buergenthal. At the end of the book, the question that burns for him is why. Not "Why did this happen?", but "Why did some lose their moral compass while others died standing for what they believed?"
Those are both great questions, but I think the second one is much more poignant. Asking why something happened questions the idea of fate - "Why did God allow this?", but conversely asking why someone would descend to a level where they treat other humans as dispensable puts the question not on God, but on ourselves. Why we allow ourselves to choose things we know to be morally wrong.
The same thing occurs in the song I posted above. The singer describes going to war and making decisions that devalue human life and our unalienable rights ("We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are created equal, that they are endowed, by their Creator, with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness." - USA Founding Fathers).
The question he asks is not why did this happen or why did I allow it, but something even greater - why am I hiding it? Every man, woman and child desires to conceal the things they've done wrong. It's ingrained in our blood from Adam and Eve, hiding in the Garden after they sinned. In the song, the artist paints a picture of coming home and being hailed as a "hero of war", but in his heart and his head, he's saying, "You have no idea what I've done.. all you see are the pictures we choose to send over. I am not the person you think I am. I am no more a hero than you; in fact, I am less."
I think those are two questions we ought to be asking ourselves about all the choices we make, and actions we take, in our lives. Firstly, are we holding true to our moral standards; respecting others and ourselves? If not, why? Are we afraid of something or someone, trying to earn recognition, trying to survive, to get that one more bit of moldy black bread as if we were a starving Jew in a Nazi camp?
When the day comes and we do make mistakes, why do we let people believe what they want to believe? Maybe it does less harm.. but really, does it? Are you willing to hold in your wretched secrets to allow others to think you're a hero of war, when you just effectively lied to your boss about a job you didn't get done, because he believes it was someone else's fault and you didn't tell him? What happens if they ever find out.. wouldn't you rather it was from yourself and not a third party?
Really. Why do we do the things we do? Honesty rarely gets people raises, but it garnishes respect and trust. To let others down is also to let ourselves down - they may forget, but we cannot. We reap what we sow.
What's more valuable to you?
I haven't listened to them tons lately, but there's a new dishwasher at work and he likes them a lot. So I was sitting there, working, this afternoon, when a song came on that I've heard before.
However, I recently really heard it for the first time, just a few weeks ago.
It's called Hero Of War.
I debated for a long time about whether to post the lyrics, as they contain some foul language and descriptions of violence.. however, it didn't feel right just to describe the situations to you. It would water it down. Therefore, if you have a minor around that likes to read over your shoulder (I was one of those) and you don't want them reading this.. send them away now.
Rise Against - Hero Of War
He said "Son, have you seen the world?
Well, what would you say if I said that you could?
Just carry this gun and you'll even get paid."
I said "That sounds pretty good."
Black leather boots
Spit-shined so bright
They cut off my hair but it looked alright
We marched and we sang
We all became friends
As we learned how to fight
A hero of war
Yeah that's what I'll be
And when I come home
They'll be damn proud of me
I'll carry this flag
To the grave if I must
Because it's a flag that I love
And a flag that I trust
I kicked in the door
I yelled my commands
The children, they cried
But I got my man
We took him away
A bag over his face
From his family and his friends
They took off his clothes
They pissed in his hands
I told them to stop
But then I joined in
We beat him with guns
And batons not just once
But again and again
A hero of war
Yeah that's what I'll be
And when I come home
They'll be damn proud of me
I'll carry this flag
To the grave if I must
Because it's a flag that I love
And a flag that I trust
She walked through bullets and haze
I asked her to stop
I begged her to stay
But she pressed on
So I lifted my gun
And I fired away
The shells jumped through the smoke
And into the sand
That the blood now had soaked
She collapsed with a flag in her hand
A flag white as snow
A hero of war
Is that what they see
Just medals and scars
So damn proud of me
And I brought home that flag
Now it gathers dust
But it's a flag that I love
It's the only flag I trust
He said, "Son, have you seen the world?
Well what would you say, if I said that you could?"
Last night I finished the book A Lucky Child: A Memoir of Surviving Auschwitz as a Young Boy, by Thomas Buergenthal. At the end of the book, the question that burns for him is why. Not "Why did this happen?", but "Why did some lose their moral compass while others died standing for what they believed?"
Those are both great questions, but I think the second one is much more poignant. Asking why something happened questions the idea of fate - "Why did God allow this?", but conversely asking why someone would descend to a level where they treat other humans as dispensable puts the question not on God, but on ourselves. Why we allow ourselves to choose things we know to be morally wrong.
The same thing occurs in the song I posted above. The singer describes going to war and making decisions that devalue human life and our unalienable rights ("We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are created equal, that they are endowed, by their Creator, with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness." - USA Founding Fathers).
The question he asks is not why did this happen or why did I allow it, but something even greater - why am I hiding it? Every man, woman and child desires to conceal the things they've done wrong. It's ingrained in our blood from Adam and Eve, hiding in the Garden after they sinned. In the song, the artist paints a picture of coming home and being hailed as a "hero of war", but in his heart and his head, he's saying, "You have no idea what I've done.. all you see are the pictures we choose to send over. I am not the person you think I am. I am no more a hero than you; in fact, I am less."
I think those are two questions we ought to be asking ourselves about all the choices we make, and actions we take, in our lives. Firstly, are we holding true to our moral standards; respecting others and ourselves? If not, why? Are we afraid of something or someone, trying to earn recognition, trying to survive, to get that one more bit of moldy black bread as if we were a starving Jew in a Nazi camp?
When the day comes and we do make mistakes, why do we let people believe what they want to believe? Maybe it does less harm.. but really, does it? Are you willing to hold in your wretched secrets to allow others to think you're a hero of war, when you just effectively lied to your boss about a job you didn't get done, because he believes it was someone else's fault and you didn't tell him? What happens if they ever find out.. wouldn't you rather it was from yourself and not a third party?
Really. Why do we do the things we do? Honesty rarely gets people raises, but it garnishes respect and trust. To let others down is also to let ourselves down - they may forget, but we cannot. We reap what we sow.
What's more valuable to you?
Sunday, March 13, 2011
A War We All Can't Lose... Dangerous Muse.
I have a new favorite song. Written by a local, and better yet, someone I know personally... although I don't know if he'd remember me all that well. I went to school with his daughters. His name? Andrew Smith. The song?
Dangerous Muse.
(http://www.roadmapmusic.com/mood/intense/) [The second track, click the yellow "play" button to listen)
I'm becoming a huge fan of ballads. I saw Great Big Sea live on Friday night with a friend, and heard this title track from their new album, Safe Upon The Shore. Check it out here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KlZUwVTfQyU&feature=related
The reason I love ballads is because they produce in me a very ethereal (in the metaphysical sense) longing for life. As ballads are a much more ancient form of music than rock and pop, they immediately transport me into this primal sort of thinking, where nothing matters but the will to live and the strength to fight for what I love - my family and my home. To a place and time when there was naught but the plow and the sword to live by, when a man worked the earth and went to war whilst his woman stayed and took charge of the house and children, and sang to them about the day their father would come home.
Nowadays, things have changed so much, as the natural course of technological advancements decree. There's nothing wrong with that... people live and die as they always have and always will, but now there's more ways to die as well as more ways to prevent one's death, through medicine and things... but sometimes I feel like we've lost something important over the centuries, which is that will to live. Live, meaning not just remain physically sustained, but to have something you'd give your life for, to take opportunity, to learn and achieve and have something to show for the years you've spent on earth.
Maybe this doesn't apply to everyone.. there are plenty of motivated people here that are doing just that. However, and I see it personally every day, there are more and more folks who have no idea what they want out of life.. people who just sit and play games or watch movies, go to work, come home, eat, and sleep. They're just existing, and you know it because they're bored all the time, but when the question comes, "What should we do?" they never have an answer.
I feel like that sometimes. My life is (ironically) like the images from a heart moniter... I hit highs where I feel like I can do anything and be anyone, but they're only temporary and after a few months I find myself down in a valley again.
A friend once told me that humans get bored with anything after approximately three months, give or take. We need constant change in order to stay motivated. I've never seen a study to corroborate her statement, but I have to believe it, because it's true for me.
Two examples in the last months - my job, first of all. I loved it for a month, and then the novelty wore off, and then the un-novelty wore off, and I get bored now, and all the staff are in the same boat because tempers are continually wearing shorter. Hour reductions start April 2nd, and I get laid off for the summer April 29th. I couldn't ever see myself saying this in the beginning, but I can't wait for it to end now. I'm in my fifth month, and it's grating on me.
Second example is trampoline and tumbling. I've been taking classes for two months, and practicing on my own at a small gymnastics gym my mom works at. Everything was great and I was learning and progressing fast enough to suit my expectations.. until two weeks ago. I got tired at the end of practice, couldn't land a trick that I can normally, and since then I'm really not even motivated to try anything. I was so close to landing some things I've been working on for weeks, and I don't even care any more. I want to know how to do those and other tricks still, but I get on the trampoline and I can't find the drive within myself any longer - it's just as easy to jump off again and walk away. It doesn't matter to me. Now I want to learn to play my bodhran, but it gets frustrating (as I'm learning off of youtube with no formal instruction), and I know that eventually I'll give that up too.
It bothers me, because it's sort of difficult to become good at anything when you only try for two or three months, but at the same time how do you keep yourself excited and willing to pursue your goals when you walk in one day and find out that it doesn't even matter to you any more? Even with dogs, something I love and could do all day, I find myself feeling 'done'.
The bigger problem is, when I get bored with my current interest, I tend to get bored with everything else as the feeling spills over from that one activity into the rest of my life, and I enter into a cycle of depression. Having dealt with this a number of times in past years, the only solution I've been able to find is to learn something new.. but often I have problems motivating myself to even get out and try.
I'm entering into that again now.. bored with life and the things I've been doing.. I can't wait to get out my bike and go riding until I'm so exhausted I can't even think about being bored. Go swimming and relax in the warm summer sun. But I still need something to do, something that's worth getting up for and being excited about.
And I need to figure out how to stay motivated for the things I'm involved in now.. otherwise I'll end my life being mediocre at a thousand different things, but with no great skill in anything to show for all the time I put into it when I was interested.
I don't really have a big question for introspection this week. But if you know how I'm feeling and maybe have a way to get past it, please comment and share. If you don't have a solution but still can identify, comment anyway so we can all be moody, uninterested suckers together.
Just kidding.. sort of.
Oh, and by the way, this is the greatly anticipated (one can dream, can't one?) part 3 of that three piece thought I started a few weeks ago. Although... ach, nevermind. It wasn't all that great anyway.
Dangerous Muse.
(http://www.roadmapmusic.com/mood/intense/) [The second track, click the yellow "play" button to listen)
I'm becoming a huge fan of ballads. I saw Great Big Sea live on Friday night with a friend, and heard this title track from their new album, Safe Upon The Shore. Check it out here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KlZUwVTfQyU&feature=related
The reason I love ballads is because they produce in me a very ethereal (in the metaphysical sense) longing for life. As ballads are a much more ancient form of music than rock and pop, they immediately transport me into this primal sort of thinking, where nothing matters but the will to live and the strength to fight for what I love - my family and my home. To a place and time when there was naught but the plow and the sword to live by, when a man worked the earth and went to war whilst his woman stayed and took charge of the house and children, and sang to them about the day their father would come home.
Nowadays, things have changed so much, as the natural course of technological advancements decree. There's nothing wrong with that... people live and die as they always have and always will, but now there's more ways to die as well as more ways to prevent one's death, through medicine and things... but sometimes I feel like we've lost something important over the centuries, which is that will to live. Live, meaning not just remain physically sustained, but to have something you'd give your life for, to take opportunity, to learn and achieve and have something to show for the years you've spent on earth.
Maybe this doesn't apply to everyone.. there are plenty of motivated people here that are doing just that. However, and I see it personally every day, there are more and more folks who have no idea what they want out of life.. people who just sit and play games or watch movies, go to work, come home, eat, and sleep. They're just existing, and you know it because they're bored all the time, but when the question comes, "What should we do?" they never have an answer.
I feel like that sometimes. My life is (ironically) like the images from a heart moniter... I hit highs where I feel like I can do anything and be anyone, but they're only temporary and after a few months I find myself down in a valley again.
A friend once told me that humans get bored with anything after approximately three months, give or take. We need constant change in order to stay motivated. I've never seen a study to corroborate her statement, but I have to believe it, because it's true for me.
Two examples in the last months - my job, first of all. I loved it for a month, and then the novelty wore off, and then the un-novelty wore off, and I get bored now, and all the staff are in the same boat because tempers are continually wearing shorter. Hour reductions start April 2nd, and I get laid off for the summer April 29th. I couldn't ever see myself saying this in the beginning, but I can't wait for it to end now. I'm in my fifth month, and it's grating on me.
Second example is trampoline and tumbling. I've been taking classes for two months, and practicing on my own at a small gymnastics gym my mom works at. Everything was great and I was learning and progressing fast enough to suit my expectations.. until two weeks ago. I got tired at the end of practice, couldn't land a trick that I can normally, and since then I'm really not even motivated to try anything. I was so close to landing some things I've been working on for weeks, and I don't even care any more. I want to know how to do those and other tricks still, but I get on the trampoline and I can't find the drive within myself any longer - it's just as easy to jump off again and walk away. It doesn't matter to me. Now I want to learn to play my bodhran, but it gets frustrating (as I'm learning off of youtube with no formal instruction), and I know that eventually I'll give that up too.
It bothers me, because it's sort of difficult to become good at anything when you only try for two or three months, but at the same time how do you keep yourself excited and willing to pursue your goals when you walk in one day and find out that it doesn't even matter to you any more? Even with dogs, something I love and could do all day, I find myself feeling 'done'.
The bigger problem is, when I get bored with my current interest, I tend to get bored with everything else as the feeling spills over from that one activity into the rest of my life, and I enter into a cycle of depression. Having dealt with this a number of times in past years, the only solution I've been able to find is to learn something new.. but often I have problems motivating myself to even get out and try.
I'm entering into that again now.. bored with life and the things I've been doing.. I can't wait to get out my bike and go riding until I'm so exhausted I can't even think about being bored. Go swimming and relax in the warm summer sun. But I still need something to do, something that's worth getting up for and being excited about.
And I need to figure out how to stay motivated for the things I'm involved in now.. otherwise I'll end my life being mediocre at a thousand different things, but with no great skill in anything to show for all the time I put into it when I was interested.
I don't really have a big question for introspection this week. But if you know how I'm feeling and maybe have a way to get past it, please comment and share. If you don't have a solution but still can identify, comment anyway so we can all be moody, uninterested suckers together.
Just kidding.. sort of.
Oh, and by the way, this is the greatly anticipated (one can dream, can't one?) part 3 of that three piece thought I started a few weeks ago. Although... ach, nevermind. It wasn't all that great anyway.
Monday, March 7, 2011
A New Creed To Succeed
If you know me at all, you ought to know that I love dogs, and anything to do with dogs. That includes playing and petting, exercising - even the nastier things like bathing and scooping poop - if it means I get to spend time with a beautiful canine, I'm in. However, I ESPECIALLY love training.
To have a dog, or any animal for that matter, execute a behaviour perfectly and on cue not only looks good to others because your dog is "obedient" and "smart", it is also a hugely satisfying feeling to know that this animal has done this thing because you taught it to.
I've owned dogs for the past roughly 11 years. I've learned some things about training and care and what works, as well as plenty that doesn't work at all. I've built confidence in my abilities to teach and to handle a dog, and knowledge in how to approach different personalities. However, nobody's ever finished learning, and if someone thinks they know everything there is to know, they're probably an arrogant person and not fit to hang around anyway.
That being said, I have recently (in the last three weeks or so), entered into the world of clicker training. Clicker training is the use of a clicker (essentially a thin piece of metal that makes a clicking sound when bent) and reinforcement (food, play, or anything the subject likes) to capture behaviours and put them on cue.
For example, teaching a dog to come on cue is the first thing any trainer will do. Essentially, you "click" the dog first when it even looks at you, and then for taking steps toward you, and eventually for running directly to you past various distractions. Each time you click the dog, you offer it a reward, known as a reinforcer. The dog does not understand that you are teaching it to 'come'. What it does understand that every time it comes to you, you make that sound and it gets something it really likes (often a food tidbit works great). You then add a "cue" (a word, hand signal, scent, flashing light), and as the dog continues to perform the behaviour, it will begin to associate with the cue given at the same time, and it learns, "Hey, when she says, "sit" and I put my bottom on the ground, I get a treat!"
This is known as operant conditioning. What it means is that the subject learns that every time A occures, B follows. A common example from human life is the stove - we've all learned that A - putting our hand on a hot burner results in B - getting burned. At the same time, we've learned that removing said hand stops the pain.
Clicker training is the technology evolved from operant conditioning. There are negative reinforcers - like in the example just given, when we remove our hand from the element (A), the negative aspect (the burning sensation) is removed (B), resulting in a more positive experience and something retained. There are postive reinforcers as well. The dog learns that every time it hears the clicker (A), a reward follows (B). All that's required now is to pair the behaviour with a cue of some sort, transfer the behaviour reinforcement from the click to the new cue, and you shortly have Fido performing his sit quickly and reliably.
There are two major rules to clicker training, and the first is that there is no punishment involved whatsoever. If the subject doesn't offer the behaviour wanted, it doesn't get a reward - simple as that. Secondly, that you must set up the training in such a way that you ensure the subject will eventually succeed. Ensure that your dog has nothing better to do while you're training it a new behaviour, so that it gets so bored it will eventually sit naturally - and you click. The dog will go, "Heyyyy... what just happened? Hm. What did I do? Maybe I can do it again..."
You may have noticed that I've been using the word cue instead of command... on http://www.clickertraining.com/, author and clicker trainer Karen Pryor makes this statement in an article about clicker training falcons:
To do this, we need to understand more about cues. A cue is different from a command. We give our dogs commands all the time: Come here. Lie down. Get in the truck. Shut up. A command is a signal to do something, but it is also a threat: Come here Or Else. Or else I will make you do it. Or else I will reprimand you. If the command is not heeded, we often escalate the threat aspect: we yell the command, for example. This often works with dogs. Sometimes it works with people. But we all know it NEVER works with birds.
That doesn't mean, however, that you can't tell a bird what to do; you just do it with cues, instead of commands. We don't normally teach cues methodically; animals pick them up. You decide to go to the store, so you make sure you've got your car keys. The dog hears the keys jingle, and runs to the front door. That sound has become the cue for a behavior: "Get to the door fast, and I might get to go for a ride." A cue is like a green light: it's a window of opportunity to do the right thing and get reinforced for it. Here's the cue: my fist in position. Step onto my glove, and you'll get a click and a treat. The cue need not be so obvious: a whistle or a gesture that's nowhere near the perch can tell the bird "Get on the perch and I will click you.
The big difference between a cue and a command is that while a command is an implied threat, a cue is a positive signal: a cue is an opportunity for reinforcement. When the cue is well-learned, it becomes a sort of "on" switch for action. The animal WANTS to do the behavior the cue indicates, because it has paid off handsomely now and then in the past. It doesn't stop to ponder, "Yes, but do I want a tidbit more than I want to sit on this telephone pole?" It just responds. "Oh, he said 'Come!' Good, here I come!" So, once you have established a cue, you don't need to escalate it, to get results. When the light turns green, we step on the gas immediately; two green lights, or a bigger green light, would not make us step on the gas any faster or better. When the phone rings, we answer it, even though sometimes the caller is a roofing salesman and sometimes we were doing something we really enjoyed more than phone calls when the phone rang. It's a cue, cues mean a chance to get something good, and we respond.
Makes sense, doesn't it?
So here's my thought for the day.
What if we applied this to our lives?
Not just training our pets to perform pretty tricks, but actually applied it.
We all know someone who is simply way too busy. Activites, kids, meetings, travel - they just have no time. What if you're that person? You probably find that not everything you do gets done as well as you could do it, and I'm willing to bet that it's because of a lack of time to apply to it. You haven't set yourself up to be successful. It doesn't even have to be about reaping a reward, but even that would come. By reducing the amount of things in your schedule, you free up time to better complete those events and tasks that you have still committed to - but you also have time for coffee with friends, for a warm bath with candles, or a date night with your spouse...
What about our kids? Asking them to clean their room often seems like more of a headache than a help. But what if you put a bit more effort into creating a situation where they are more likely to be successful on their own? Instead of putting up just shelves for the toys, label boxes with pictures of Lego, dollies, and cars, then place matching labels on the shelves where the boxes should go. Put organizational bins in the closet for craft supplies, and then put into practice the same principle clicker trainers use to teach a new behaviour - make the reward for offering the wanted behaviour (cleaning up) much more tempting and substantial than the children's current activity. For instance, putting away your toys means you can help mommy bake and decorate cookies afterwards.
There's even a training technique where trainers call the animal away from what it's doing (for instance, a dog chasing a squirrel), but then reward its obedience by allowing it to return to the same acitivity. So let's say Sarah is playing with PlayDoh, but has neglected to tidy up her tea party things from several hours ago. Her mother might say, "Sarah, dear, it's time to clean up your tea party, but you can go back that after you're finished." Sarah obeys because she knows that the PlayDoh wasn't taken away, but rather postponed.
If you think hard, you could come up with thousands of similar situations for anyone. I'm not trying to compare people to dogs or birds, but sometimes the same principles work for both. Why don't we start cueing ourselves and others instead of commanding?
How can you set yourself and those around you up for success today?
To have a dog, or any animal for that matter, execute a behaviour perfectly and on cue not only looks good to others because your dog is "obedient" and "smart", it is also a hugely satisfying feeling to know that this animal has done this thing because you taught it to.
I've owned dogs for the past roughly 11 years. I've learned some things about training and care and what works, as well as plenty that doesn't work at all. I've built confidence in my abilities to teach and to handle a dog, and knowledge in how to approach different personalities. However, nobody's ever finished learning, and if someone thinks they know everything there is to know, they're probably an arrogant person and not fit to hang around anyway.
That being said, I have recently (in the last three weeks or so), entered into the world of clicker training. Clicker training is the use of a clicker (essentially a thin piece of metal that makes a clicking sound when bent) and reinforcement (food, play, or anything the subject likes) to capture behaviours and put them on cue.
For example, teaching a dog to come on cue is the first thing any trainer will do. Essentially, you "click" the dog first when it even looks at you, and then for taking steps toward you, and eventually for running directly to you past various distractions. Each time you click the dog, you offer it a reward, known as a reinforcer. The dog does not understand that you are teaching it to 'come'. What it does understand that every time it comes to you, you make that sound and it gets something it really likes (often a food tidbit works great). You then add a "cue" (a word, hand signal, scent, flashing light), and as the dog continues to perform the behaviour, it will begin to associate with the cue given at the same time, and it learns, "Hey, when she says, "sit" and I put my bottom on the ground, I get a treat!"
This is known as operant conditioning. What it means is that the subject learns that every time A occures, B follows. A common example from human life is the stove - we've all learned that A - putting our hand on a hot burner results in B - getting burned. At the same time, we've learned that removing said hand stops the pain.
Clicker training is the technology evolved from operant conditioning. There are negative reinforcers - like in the example just given, when we remove our hand from the element (A), the negative aspect (the burning sensation) is removed (B), resulting in a more positive experience and something retained. There are postive reinforcers as well. The dog learns that every time it hears the clicker (A), a reward follows (B). All that's required now is to pair the behaviour with a cue of some sort, transfer the behaviour reinforcement from the click to the new cue, and you shortly have Fido performing his sit quickly and reliably.
There are two major rules to clicker training, and the first is that there is no punishment involved whatsoever. If the subject doesn't offer the behaviour wanted, it doesn't get a reward - simple as that. Secondly, that you must set up the training in such a way that you ensure the subject will eventually succeed. Ensure that your dog has nothing better to do while you're training it a new behaviour, so that it gets so bored it will eventually sit naturally - and you click. The dog will go, "Heyyyy... what just happened? Hm. What did I do? Maybe I can do it again..."
You may have noticed that I've been using the word cue instead of command... on http://www.clickertraining.com/, author and clicker trainer Karen Pryor makes this statement in an article about clicker training falcons:
To do this, we need to understand more about cues. A cue is different from a command. We give our dogs commands all the time: Come here. Lie down. Get in the truck. Shut up. A command is a signal to do something, but it is also a threat: Come here Or Else. Or else I will make you do it. Or else I will reprimand you. If the command is not heeded, we often escalate the threat aspect: we yell the command, for example. This often works with dogs. Sometimes it works with people. But we all know it NEVER works with birds.
That doesn't mean, however, that you can't tell a bird what to do; you just do it with cues, instead of commands. We don't normally teach cues methodically; animals pick them up. You decide to go to the store, so you make sure you've got your car keys. The dog hears the keys jingle, and runs to the front door. That sound has become the cue for a behavior: "Get to the door fast, and I might get to go for a ride." A cue is like a green light: it's a window of opportunity to do the right thing and get reinforced for it. Here's the cue: my fist in position. Step onto my glove, and you'll get a click and a treat. The cue need not be so obvious: a whistle or a gesture that's nowhere near the perch can tell the bird "Get on the perch and I will click you.
The big difference between a cue and a command is that while a command is an implied threat, a cue is a positive signal: a cue is an opportunity for reinforcement. When the cue is well-learned, it becomes a sort of "on" switch for action. The animal WANTS to do the behavior the cue indicates, because it has paid off handsomely now and then in the past. It doesn't stop to ponder, "Yes, but do I want a tidbit more than I want to sit on this telephone pole?" It just responds. "Oh, he said 'Come!' Good, here I come!" So, once you have established a cue, you don't need to escalate it, to get results. When the light turns green, we step on the gas immediately; two green lights, or a bigger green light, would not make us step on the gas any faster or better. When the phone rings, we answer it, even though sometimes the caller is a roofing salesman and sometimes we were doing something we really enjoyed more than phone calls when the phone rang. It's a cue, cues mean a chance to get something good, and we respond.
Makes sense, doesn't it?
So here's my thought for the day.
What if we applied this to our lives?
Not just training our pets to perform pretty tricks, but actually applied it.
We all know someone who is simply way too busy. Activites, kids, meetings, travel - they just have no time. What if you're that person? You probably find that not everything you do gets done as well as you could do it, and I'm willing to bet that it's because of a lack of time to apply to it. You haven't set yourself up to be successful. It doesn't even have to be about reaping a reward, but even that would come. By reducing the amount of things in your schedule, you free up time to better complete those events and tasks that you have still committed to - but you also have time for coffee with friends, for a warm bath with candles, or a date night with your spouse...
What about our kids? Asking them to clean their room often seems like more of a headache than a help. But what if you put a bit more effort into creating a situation where they are more likely to be successful on their own? Instead of putting up just shelves for the toys, label boxes with pictures of Lego, dollies, and cars, then place matching labels on the shelves where the boxes should go. Put organizational bins in the closet for craft supplies, and then put into practice the same principle clicker trainers use to teach a new behaviour - make the reward for offering the wanted behaviour (cleaning up) much more tempting and substantial than the children's current activity. For instance, putting away your toys means you can help mommy bake and decorate cookies afterwards.
There's even a training technique where trainers call the animal away from what it's doing (for instance, a dog chasing a squirrel), but then reward its obedience by allowing it to return to the same acitivity. So let's say Sarah is playing with PlayDoh, but has neglected to tidy up her tea party things from several hours ago. Her mother might say, "Sarah, dear, it's time to clean up your tea party, but you can go back that after you're finished." Sarah obeys because she knows that the PlayDoh wasn't taken away, but rather postponed.
If you think hard, you could come up with thousands of similar situations for anyone. I'm not trying to compare people to dogs or birds, but sometimes the same principles work for both. Why don't we start cueing ourselves and others instead of commanding?
How can you set yourself and those around you up for success today?
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Lost In The Middle Of Everywhere
[This is not part 3 of that little mini-series of thoughts. Sorry. However, if you were expecting that, worry not.. It's still on my heart and I'll get to it soon.]
This weekend was our church's Young Adults retreat. We went to Elkhart Lodge (http://elkhart.webs.com/). It was fun, and I had a good time, but in the same clause I was uncomfortable. Not from the cold (it was freezing haha), or anything like that. Just being around these people.
And it's been like that for a long time. It's not because I don't like them. And until this weekend, I wasn't even exactly sure why. But whenever I would go to the Young Adults services, or even to church, I'd get that feeling. I stopped going to the services, and at church I sat with younger friends who were still in highschool, instead of the older ones in YA.
Anyways, at the retreat we had a little worship/prayer session as a group, that feeling came again as I was around all these young adults. But this time, I realized what it was, and the thought just came:
I don't know where I belong here.
It's not that I don't feel like I DON'T belong. I feel accepted and on equal terms with everyone. I just don't know where I fit in. Part of it has to do with age. I'm one of the youngest people there. Nearly everyone, excepting about maybe 10 people (out of maybe 50 or 60) is at least three years older, if not more. But there are still a few younger than me, that have found places in the band, and other things. So there goes that reason.
It's hard to explain, but even though I'm 20 I still feel like a child there; as if, because of my at times boundless energy and ADD speech patterns, they still view me as this reckless, crazy teenager that still has to grow up. And in a way, I can't blame them. It's like as soon as I enter the room, I'm just happy to be around all these people I admire and would love to be friends with (or, better friends anyway) and I just get excited. And when I get excited I do blubber around and bounce and act like a fool more often than not. But I also feel like that's the only me that they know, so that's the person I have to be around them. Like they'll never figure out that there's a serious side too, that knows I'm ridiculous but I just don't know how to interact with them any other way because this is all they've ever seen.
And that's blocking me from having a deeper relationship with these people. Some of them I've known since I was in elementary and they were in middle and high school. I mean, it really should be a non-issue. But it is, and I know it is because it happens all the time. That session wasn't the only time it happened at the retreat.. Saturday there were two girls playing a game, and I wanted to play, but I was too afraid to ask; by the time I worked up the courage to see if maybe I could join in the next round, they were cleaning it up. I lost my chance to engage and strengthen a relationship because I don't trust myself to interact with them and not be an idiot because that's the only thing I know how to do.
At that same session, when we were done worshiping we got into small groups to pray with each other. I was with four other people, one whom I'd never met, and all older than me, as per the usual. We took turns being "in the spotlight" so to say, and when my turn came I didn't really move into the center as the others had. The tallest guy, and the one who I knew the least (aside from the one I'd just met), said something to the effect of not having to be afraid.
I wanted to turn and say, "It's not that I'm afraid. I just don't know who I am here." I said nothing, however, as I was pretty close to tears at that point from thinking all of this out and having no answers. The funniest things happen, though, when they're least expected. That's exactly what he prayed for me. That I would have answers.
He mentioned this blog and how I have no difficulty asking hard questions and figuring things out, and asked for a blessing on me in wisdom - so that I would have answers when people came to me with questions, and when my own questions reared up as well.
God's amazing like that, you know. I said nothing out loud, but that man prayed a direct answer to my thoughts of the last hour.
And you know, I've been thinking a lot about what he said. The others' prayers for me were very nice and encouraging as well, and I won't forget them, but what he said struck home.
In person, I'm a silly girl who jumps thoughts every three seconds and has to keep moving in order to focus on anything 90% of the time. I laugh about the smallest things, including my own jokes, and I love to quote poetry and novels.
On Facebook, on this blog, in text.. anything where I remain nothing but a name, I turn into this other person who is capable of carrying on long conversations about things that actually matter, and even sounding intelligent once in a while. It's like those newspaper advice columns... I can be that person who can answer a question and give decent advice, but it's so much easier on the computer because the other person can't see how many times I click on other links, or take a few minutes to play cards, or generally get distracted at all. I can focus on the conversation inbetween everything else, but the other person doesn't know any better. In person, it's so different, because thoughts just jump out that don't connect and I'm always looking everywhere and I'm sure people just give up, because I look like I'm not paying attention.
I feel like two people.
All this goes to say that I want to change. I want to mellow out my distinct personalities and mold them together to create a more even person. I want to be able to pull out a quieter, less distracting Ashleigh so I don't feel like I have to be that crazy retard when I'm around other people because I don't know what else to do.
I want to get past the feeling that I'm inadequate when it comes to being friends with other, older young adults.
I want to them to know this part of me, too; that I am more than just that random, that I can be someone they can actually have a conversation with.
I want to be friends, on a deeper level than I am now. More than just a "Hey, how are you, how's the weather?" aquaintance.
I want to fight for what I dream of.
And the only way I know how to do that is to push the limits. My limits. To just ask if I can join the game.
Bravery isn't doing what the heroes do. It's doing what you think you can't.
Only to discover that you're much more than capable.
There is nothing stopping me except myself.
What do you dream of? What's stopping you? The first step is just to identify it. When you want to clean that storage closet, but you freeze every time you open the door. Realize that you feel overwhelmed.
Second step is strategy. Don't take on the entire war. One battle at a time. Just do one shelf. Ignore the rest until you're finished that one shelf. Then congratulate yourself on the progress.
Third step?
Fight for the rest, and don't finish until you're where you want to be.
I'll be asking for a coffee date tomorrow.
This weekend was our church's Young Adults retreat. We went to Elkhart Lodge (http://elkhart.webs.com/). It was fun, and I had a good time, but in the same clause I was uncomfortable. Not from the cold (it was freezing haha), or anything like that. Just being around these people.
And it's been like that for a long time. It's not because I don't like them. And until this weekend, I wasn't even exactly sure why. But whenever I would go to the Young Adults services, or even to church, I'd get that feeling. I stopped going to the services, and at church I sat with younger friends who were still in highschool, instead of the older ones in YA.
Anyways, at the retreat we had a little worship/prayer session as a group, that feeling came again as I was around all these young adults. But this time, I realized what it was, and the thought just came:
I don't know where I belong here.
It's not that I don't feel like I DON'T belong. I feel accepted and on equal terms with everyone. I just don't know where I fit in. Part of it has to do with age. I'm one of the youngest people there. Nearly everyone, excepting about maybe 10 people (out of maybe 50 or 60) is at least three years older, if not more. But there are still a few younger than me, that have found places in the band, and other things. So there goes that reason.
It's hard to explain, but even though I'm 20 I still feel like a child there; as if, because of my at times boundless energy and ADD speech patterns, they still view me as this reckless, crazy teenager that still has to grow up. And in a way, I can't blame them. It's like as soon as I enter the room, I'm just happy to be around all these people I admire and would love to be friends with (or, better friends anyway) and I just get excited. And when I get excited I do blubber around and bounce and act like a fool more often than not. But I also feel like that's the only me that they know, so that's the person I have to be around them. Like they'll never figure out that there's a serious side too, that knows I'm ridiculous but I just don't know how to interact with them any other way because this is all they've ever seen.
And that's blocking me from having a deeper relationship with these people. Some of them I've known since I was in elementary and they were in middle and high school. I mean, it really should be a non-issue. But it is, and I know it is because it happens all the time. That session wasn't the only time it happened at the retreat.. Saturday there were two girls playing a game, and I wanted to play, but I was too afraid to ask; by the time I worked up the courage to see if maybe I could join in the next round, they were cleaning it up. I lost my chance to engage and strengthen a relationship because I don't trust myself to interact with them and not be an idiot because that's the only thing I know how to do.
At that same session, when we were done worshiping we got into small groups to pray with each other. I was with four other people, one whom I'd never met, and all older than me, as per the usual. We took turns being "in the spotlight" so to say, and when my turn came I didn't really move into the center as the others had. The tallest guy, and the one who I knew the least (aside from the one I'd just met), said something to the effect of not having to be afraid.
I wanted to turn and say, "It's not that I'm afraid. I just don't know who I am here." I said nothing, however, as I was pretty close to tears at that point from thinking all of this out and having no answers. The funniest things happen, though, when they're least expected. That's exactly what he prayed for me. That I would have answers.
He mentioned this blog and how I have no difficulty asking hard questions and figuring things out, and asked for a blessing on me in wisdom - so that I would have answers when people came to me with questions, and when my own questions reared up as well.
God's amazing like that, you know. I said nothing out loud, but that man prayed a direct answer to my thoughts of the last hour.
And you know, I've been thinking a lot about what he said. The others' prayers for me were very nice and encouraging as well, and I won't forget them, but what he said struck home.
In person, I'm a silly girl who jumps thoughts every three seconds and has to keep moving in order to focus on anything 90% of the time. I laugh about the smallest things, including my own jokes, and I love to quote poetry and novels.
On Facebook, on this blog, in text.. anything where I remain nothing but a name, I turn into this other person who is capable of carrying on long conversations about things that actually matter, and even sounding intelligent once in a while. It's like those newspaper advice columns... I can be that person who can answer a question and give decent advice, but it's so much easier on the computer because the other person can't see how many times I click on other links, or take a few minutes to play cards, or generally get distracted at all. I can focus on the conversation inbetween everything else, but the other person doesn't know any better. In person, it's so different, because thoughts just jump out that don't connect and I'm always looking everywhere and I'm sure people just give up, because I look like I'm not paying attention.
I feel like two people.
All this goes to say that I want to change. I want to mellow out my distinct personalities and mold them together to create a more even person. I want to be able to pull out a quieter, less distracting Ashleigh so I don't feel like I have to be that crazy retard when I'm around other people because I don't know what else to do.
I want to get past the feeling that I'm inadequate when it comes to being friends with other, older young adults.
I want to them to know this part of me, too; that I am more than just that random, that I can be someone they can actually have a conversation with.
I want to be friends, on a deeper level than I am now. More than just a "Hey, how are you, how's the weather?" aquaintance.
I want to fight for what I dream of.
And the only way I know how to do that is to push the limits. My limits. To just ask if I can join the game.
Bravery isn't doing what the heroes do. It's doing what you think you can't.
Only to discover that you're much more than capable.
There is nothing stopping me except myself.
What do you dream of? What's stopping you? The first step is just to identify it. When you want to clean that storage closet, but you freeze every time you open the door. Realize that you feel overwhelmed.
Second step is strategy. Don't take on the entire war. One battle at a time. Just do one shelf. Ignore the rest until you're finished that one shelf. Then congratulate yourself on the progress.
Third step?
Fight for the rest, and don't finish until you're where you want to be.
I'll be asking for a coffee date tomorrow.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Massage. It Makes You Feel Better.
So it's been nearly ten days since my last post, and I'm sorry for that, but here's to the second idea of three: stress reduction.
I don't mean the fact that we humans as a whole have a lot of stress in our lives. I think that's pretty obvious. I also think it quite rational that we should do our utmost to reduce the amount of stress we're exposed to in our daily routines. I'm sure you'd agree... there are hundreds of studies related to stress and its cumulative effect on disease and other such nasty things.
But, no. This post is more about ways of effectively dealing with stress, because I've had to learn a lot about it in the last little while.
We have a new dishwasher at work (person, not machine), and he's a little slow. But hey, he's learning. However, in the meantime, I walk into huge messes in the morning that normally wouldn't be there. One day there were stacks of dishes on the counter that were level with my head.
Overwhelmed is too small a word. I wanted to sit down and cry. But you can't do that.
So I shoved my head down, threw some music on, and ploughed ahead. The pile went down. So did my stress level.
Basically, I've come to the conclusion that stress reduction is vital to one's sanity. Sometimes important tasks are sacrificed or postponed in favor of wasting time. But I think that wasting time relaxing your mind and body is productive.. now there's an oxymoron.
I've just been thinking about this because of work, and my family's crazy schedule, and some conversations I've been having with a few friends. Comparing strategies to reduce stress and finding what works for other people is super interesting to me.
It goes everywhere, from music to sports to food. Sitting on front of our wood stove for 15 minutes before bed every night is probably my favorite. But I've found something else that really, really works. For me.
You know those chronic 'listers'? People who write EVERYTHING down, who are seemingly so organized and together? Well, I'm sort of turning into one of those.
One of our teachers at Bible School put shape to an idea that I was already familiar with but never realized it. He explained the purpose of journaling... or at least, explained it better.
The concept is not so much about just expressing your feelings through writing. It's about communicating, with yourself just as much as with others should you so choose.
It's about goals and memories, anger and happiness.
But the revolutionary idea is that when you write something down, you leave it behind. List writers write lists so that they don't have to remember. Journaling is very similar.
Because when you write something down, you can leave it on the paper. Walk away from it. Doesn't mean that the emotion or problem or whatever it may be has disappeared - but what is does mean is that you don't have to carry it around any longer.
That is essentially what this blog is. A journal where I write thoughts, albeit in a very public format. But you know, that's okay. I made the decision for this to be public because I want people to understand who I am and how I think. What I believe and why. Maybe challenge their opinions and views. Maybe challenge mine.
Before I post things, I think about them for weeks on end - but I find that when I post them and discuss my thoughts with myself, when I click the "Publish Post" button and consider it done, the stress and worry that these thoughts bring upon me - just from constantly thinking and analyzing - are greatly diminished, if not gone altogether.
So far, that's the best stress reducing technique I've ever seen or had the pleasure to take advantage of. So I thought I would share what works for me, because maybe it'll work for you. Take your worries and problems and write them down, and then make a concious decision to walk away and stop thinking about them. Especially overnight... because they're safe, waiting for you on a piece of paper that you can go back to later, when you're ready to deal with them. But for now, you've dropped ten pounds from your shoulders - doesn't it feel good?
I don't mean the fact that we humans as a whole have a lot of stress in our lives. I think that's pretty obvious. I also think it quite rational that we should do our utmost to reduce the amount of stress we're exposed to in our daily routines. I'm sure you'd agree... there are hundreds of studies related to stress and its cumulative effect on disease and other such nasty things.
But, no. This post is more about ways of effectively dealing with stress, because I've had to learn a lot about it in the last little while.
We have a new dishwasher at work (person, not machine), and he's a little slow. But hey, he's learning. However, in the meantime, I walk into huge messes in the morning that normally wouldn't be there. One day there were stacks of dishes on the counter that were level with my head.
Overwhelmed is too small a word. I wanted to sit down and cry. But you can't do that.
So I shoved my head down, threw some music on, and ploughed ahead. The pile went down. So did my stress level.
Basically, I've come to the conclusion that stress reduction is vital to one's sanity. Sometimes important tasks are sacrificed or postponed in favor of wasting time. But I think that wasting time relaxing your mind and body is productive.. now there's an oxymoron.
I've just been thinking about this because of work, and my family's crazy schedule, and some conversations I've been having with a few friends. Comparing strategies to reduce stress and finding what works for other people is super interesting to me.
It goes everywhere, from music to sports to food. Sitting on front of our wood stove for 15 minutes before bed every night is probably my favorite. But I've found something else that really, really works. For me.
You know those chronic 'listers'? People who write EVERYTHING down, who are seemingly so organized and together? Well, I'm sort of turning into one of those.
One of our teachers at Bible School put shape to an idea that I was already familiar with but never realized it. He explained the purpose of journaling... or at least, explained it better.
The concept is not so much about just expressing your feelings through writing. It's about communicating, with yourself just as much as with others should you so choose.
It's about goals and memories, anger and happiness.
But the revolutionary idea is that when you write something down, you leave it behind. List writers write lists so that they don't have to remember. Journaling is very similar.
Because when you write something down, you can leave it on the paper. Walk away from it. Doesn't mean that the emotion or problem or whatever it may be has disappeared - but what is does mean is that you don't have to carry it around any longer.
That is essentially what this blog is. A journal where I write thoughts, albeit in a very public format. But you know, that's okay. I made the decision for this to be public because I want people to understand who I am and how I think. What I believe and why. Maybe challenge their opinions and views. Maybe challenge mine.
Before I post things, I think about them for weeks on end - but I find that when I post them and discuss my thoughts with myself, when I click the "Publish Post" button and consider it done, the stress and worry that these thoughts bring upon me - just from constantly thinking and analyzing - are greatly diminished, if not gone altogether.
So far, that's the best stress reducing technique I've ever seen or had the pleasure to take advantage of. So I thought I would share what works for me, because maybe it'll work for you. Take your worries and problems and write them down, and then make a concious decision to walk away and stop thinking about them. Especially overnight... because they're safe, waiting for you on a piece of paper that you can go back to later, when you're ready to deal with them. But for now, you've dropped ten pounds from your shoulders - doesn't it feel good?
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Don't Walk Away Without Leaving.
My brain is a really jumbled mish-mash of thoughts that I'll attempt to organize for your benefit, but please walk away now if you're impatient. :)
Anyways, the last couple of weeks I've been thinking alot about three things: stress reduction, commitment (in relationships), and renewed interest in life.
They are seperate ideas that tangle together into a huge messy knot. I'll tackle them one at a time though, or at least try.
To start, a couple I know recently became pregnant out of wedlock. As both a Christian and someone who has witnessed firsthand many negative effects of that very situation, I find it hard to accept, let alone congratulate them. But they are adults, and they're happy, and simply put, I can't step into a situation like that and point fingers whilst screaming, "you're WRONG, and now this baby's going to grow up in an unstable home and probably seperated parents and blah blah blah."
That might not happen. Statistically, it's likely. And that's what hurts me. When I was told, all I could think for the next hour was, "You weren't strong enough to say no." But there's nothing I can do about it except hope for the best, and hope for the baby's sake that they'll be strong enough to stay together.
It really gets under my skin, thinking about the status of today's relationship belief system.
How fragile the idea of commitment is, and how easily society smashes it into fragments at its pleasure. Why we undervalue it so much. Like that song, Irreplaceable, by Beyonce:
You must not know 'bout me
You must not know 'bout me
I could have another you in a minute
Matter fact he'll be here in a minute, baby
You must not know 'bout me
You must not know 'bout me
I can have another you by tomorrow
So don't you ever for a second get to thinking you're irreplaceable
That's society's opinion of relationships. That they're commodities. If you find your model defective at any point, return it and get a replacement within two weeks.
Even at work this last Friday, I was having trouble doing something and I said out loud, "I need a guy," (because they're stronger) and one of the older ladies looked at me and said, "Don't EVER say that; you don't need a guy at all. Ever."
Except, man and woman were created to be together:
For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.
Genesis 2:24, NIV
I believe that I'm strong enough to live life on my own. But I also believe that I was created to be with a man, and that God's got one picked out for me. So yes, I do need one. Because there is a specific man on this planet that can and will give me one day something that no other person could. Why would God design such a thing as marriage if the opposite were true?
That same lady, one other guy, and I were discussing whether most major conflicts in history were related to religion, and I told her I'd have to do a little research to offer a solid opinion on that.. but if she wanted my opinion on relationships and men, to rent the movie Fireproof and go home and watch it with her husband.
Hopefully, that will help her to understand that we may not 'need' a spouse/significant other like we need a house or clothes, but that they do fill a place in our lives that was meant for none other. And that each relationship, whether it be your husband/wife, other relative, friend, or even stranger deserves respect, hard work, and commitment for the time you are involved in that other person's life - be it five minutes or fifty years.
This has just really been in my heart and head for the last little while, as I continue to come into that age where I will within a few years mostly likely have entered a relationship of my own, with a goal of marriage. I think about the various examples I've seen, both good and bad, and the one I want to set for my generation, and the generations afterward. Because relationships aren't contracts. They're promises. Eternal ones. Like the wedding vows say, "for better or for worse, as long as we both shall live."
They ought to be treated as such.
Anyways, the last couple of weeks I've been thinking alot about three things: stress reduction, commitment (in relationships), and renewed interest in life.
They are seperate ideas that tangle together into a huge messy knot. I'll tackle them one at a time though, or at least try.
To start, a couple I know recently became pregnant out of wedlock. As both a Christian and someone who has witnessed firsthand many negative effects of that very situation, I find it hard to accept, let alone congratulate them. But they are adults, and they're happy, and simply put, I can't step into a situation like that and point fingers whilst screaming, "you're WRONG, and now this baby's going to grow up in an unstable home and probably seperated parents and blah blah blah."
That might not happen. Statistically, it's likely. And that's what hurts me. When I was told, all I could think for the next hour was, "You weren't strong enough to say no." But there's nothing I can do about it except hope for the best, and hope for the baby's sake that they'll be strong enough to stay together.
It really gets under my skin, thinking about the status of today's relationship belief system.
How fragile the idea of commitment is, and how easily society smashes it into fragments at its pleasure. Why we undervalue it so much. Like that song, Irreplaceable, by Beyonce:
You must not know 'bout me
You must not know 'bout me
I could have another you in a minute
Matter fact he'll be here in a minute, baby
You must not know 'bout me
You must not know 'bout me
I can have another you by tomorrow
So don't you ever for a second get to thinking you're irreplaceable
That's society's opinion of relationships. That they're commodities. If you find your model defective at any point, return it and get a replacement within two weeks.
Even at work this last Friday, I was having trouble doing something and I said out loud, "I need a guy," (because they're stronger) and one of the older ladies looked at me and said, "Don't EVER say that; you don't need a guy at all. Ever."
Except, man and woman were created to be together:
For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.
Genesis 2:24, NIV
I believe that I'm strong enough to live life on my own. But I also believe that I was created to be with a man, and that God's got one picked out for me. So yes, I do need one. Because there is a specific man on this planet that can and will give me one day something that no other person could. Why would God design such a thing as marriage if the opposite were true?
That same lady, one other guy, and I were discussing whether most major conflicts in history were related to religion, and I told her I'd have to do a little research to offer a solid opinion on that.. but if she wanted my opinion on relationships and men, to rent the movie Fireproof and go home and watch it with her husband.
Hopefully, that will help her to understand that we may not 'need' a spouse/significant other like we need a house or clothes, but that they do fill a place in our lives that was meant for none other. And that each relationship, whether it be your husband/wife, other relative, friend, or even stranger deserves respect, hard work, and commitment for the time you are involved in that other person's life - be it five minutes or fifty years.
This has just really been in my heart and head for the last little while, as I continue to come into that age where I will within a few years mostly likely have entered a relationship of my own, with a goal of marriage. I think about the various examples I've seen, both good and bad, and the one I want to set for my generation, and the generations afterward. Because relationships aren't contracts. They're promises. Eternal ones. Like the wedding vows say, "for better or for worse, as long as we both shall live."
They ought to be treated as such.
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