Right this moment, my mother has just finished crying. I'm not sure what she was crying about - I never asked.It's not that I don't love my mother, or want to comfort her, or that I don't care... but my step dad was already there. And I realized something.
This is how I should've felt ten years ago.
My parents separated when I was four, and although my mother dated several men before finding the right man (who is amazing and they're about ten years together), she often felt alone and frusterated. Understandable, as a single mother of two young children (my sister was two years old), and having to provide all the necessities of life on her own. My father sent money and came to see us, but in the early years both cash and visits were somewhat scarce. (Past is past, and the situation improved, they now get along famously).
Throughout the six or so years we were a three person family, things often arose that stressed her out or made her cry, and as the oldest child and often the only one around she could talk to, I became her confidante in a lot of things, ranging from finances to work stress to anger with my dad over some thing he did or didn't do.
I don't blame her for that. It probably wasn't the best way to be raised, and we both realize it - but I'm glad to know that if I helped her get through it a little bit, then it was worth it. It also taught me a lot about communication and family dynamics, things I've communicated to others to help in their family situations. It showed me things I never would've learned otherwise about commitment, love, hardship, strength, and ultimately in later years, forgiveness.
Good or bad, I don't care. It is what it is, and no one can change the past. That's the way it was.. until now. Until I just realized something. This is how it would've felt, ten years ago, if things were different.
Because Tony is there, taking the role as husband, comforter, supporter - as he rightfully should - I don't have to. I could ask, and sometimes I do, but it's not my responsibility or obligation. I used to think it was, and it caused me to grow up a lot faster than some kids. Not that I mind taking it. My mom and I are best friends, and I'm okay with still being that person - occassionally.
But no longer all the time.
I'm sitting here, writing this, feeling free. Feeling like the child I used to be but never really was. I'm grateful for the chance to know what it feels like to let someone else, whose rightful position is such, be the person I used to try to be. To know that I know my mom loves me, and I love her, but that it's okay to let Tony step in and be her husband, that they need to do this together and maybe it's better if I just stay out.
I feel like a kid - and even if it's ten years late, I'm glad I know what it feels like to be a kid and to let my mom have what she needed so long ago.
Better late than never.
No comments:
Post a Comment