Ladies and gentlemen, I have an announcement! I am a single young woman of marriagable age!
Yes, I know you already know. In fact, some may disagree.. many these days consider twenty too young. But fact is, people my age (and younger!) are getting into relationships, getting married, and beginning families. Many of us singletons simply watch in major confusion and ample jealousy as two people we know fall helplessly into this thing called "love", buy pretty rings, and pay exhorbitant prices for huge parties to proclaim their mutual fascination for each other to the rest of the world and solemnly promise to do their best to stay fascinated until they're old and wrinkly.
This naturally raises questions for us not quite so lucky ones.
There is the whole mottled bottle of questions involving dating, what kind of a guy should I go out with, blah blah blah.. but many of us never dare to ask the questions we are most curious about: those involving sex.
We are sexual beings. There's no denying that. And the older we get, the more apparent it becomes. I can't speak for everyone, but as I mature, the longings and the questions get deeper and deeper, as well as more confusing. I know enough people that feel the same way to assume that statement is true for a good part of the population - especially if you are inexperienced in love.
So how do we answer those deepseated feelings? Every girl struggles with complex issues about attractiveness, fear of rejection, of not being enough, of being alone... what is the right thing to tell a girl that will convince her everything will be okay, there is someone out there for you, and yes, you will find love...
Nobody knows for sure. Some are very successful at it, but it takes years of practice, study, and many failures before they know how to make someone KNOW that everything's going to be okay.. and it's usually their own wives who help them figure it out.
Where do the rest of us turn to? Unfortunately, that question is the the root of much of the young girl's problems today. Many teens are too ashamed or afraid to ask, and parents find it much too awkward to approach. So our nation's daughters get their answers about romance, love and sex from raunchy magazines and television shows that make your heart race and your brain swoon but contain little of reality or truth.
I was lucky enough to have a mom willing to share what she knew about relationships and sex, good and bad, complete or not. But I am in the minority. Too many young ladies have the wrong ideas about what it means to be in a relationship and undervalue the gift of their virginity.
I recently went online to look up advice on having sex the first time, to see what people my age and younger would be reading (and you can bet your life they do). I also read some personal stories of first time sexual encounters. Some I was encouraged by, but they were quickly outweighed by scenarios that belonged in R-rated movies. Many stories contained comments that went along the lines of, "I didn't feel ready, but he wanted me to, so I just did it,", "We were holding hands, and one thing led to another..", and "I didn't want my first time to be like this, and I regret my choices."
Some websites were very clear about the physical details one could expect (amount of pain, etc), but the one thing I appreciated the most were the stories that admitted to feeling more pressure than pleasure. 90% of testimonies on those sites were from young girls and guys admitting to having sexual relations mid-teens, with someone they thought "loved them", only to break up a few weeks or months later and realize they'd wasted their gift on another who didn't care as much as they seemed to.
That REALLY bothers me.
Since the dawn of time, people have been struggling with one question. It has many faces, but when you look past the weight loss, the makeup, the hair, the muscles, the cars, houses, boats, jobs... we all need to know: are we good enough? And it has never been more prevalent than now.
It is my belief that society has a responsibility, and we are failing. We are responsible to treat every person as a person and an individual, with individual needs, wants, and fears. We are responsible to make our young people understand that they don't need what TV says they need in order to be accepted and productive members of society. We are responsible to tell each twelve year old girl and boy that they do not need to be skinner, more muscled, more painted up, stronger. That they don't need to have sex before they're sixteen. That they are much more valuable than they think and believe and they don't have to prove themselves to anyone.
Because that's what they believe.
But that's not what I believe.
I too, have questions. I too desire a relationship and to experience love and sex and all that goes with it. I'm preprogrammed to do so, and media today sadly isn't helping to solve the probelm. But I know that unless I'm ready, with the right man, at the right time, things will go sour quicker than warm milk. I know that waiting for a covenant marriage, where my husband and I have committed to walk together for life, will be worth all the pain, impatience, confusion, and unmet desire I struggle with now.
My solution? I remember. I remember every successful couple I've ever met, every unsuccessful relationship I've ever witnessed, all the broken young men and women that weren't sure what they wanted, and figured it out too late. Then, I pray. Pray for strength to wait. Pray for wisdom in how I deal with the men in my life. I even pray for the ones I'm attracted to or interested in, that they would have wisdom in their own lives and that God would work in them and remind them of how much they're worth.
One of the most valuable tools to deal with the questions I've found is having close friends of the same sex who are willing to talk about it. Friends who are going through the same struggles, same feelings, and will encourage you as you encourage them.
It's hard, but it will not last forever. You are good enough. I am good enough. And someday, we'll all find the love we're dreaming of.
You might be reading this and thinking, this doesn't apply to me. I'm 40 years old with three kids, a great husband, and a busy life. Or, I'm 60 years old and have two grandkids. Well, got news for ya. You're wrong. It very much applies to you, to your kids, to your grandkids, to your neighbours, the cop that pulled you over last week, and the man behind the counter at Tim's. People's struggles don't end magically when they reach a certain age. Fairytale weddings turn into horrific nightmares because of these issues. Each of us knows what it feels like. Each has influence. Go out today and encourage someone. Hopefully someday we'll convince the world.
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Friday, August 12, 2011
Remembrances.
I have photos on my walls.
Not uncommon.
They're photos of places, pets, past times, projects, and people. Mostly people. Many people. Many people that I don't even speak to anymore.
The past three weeks I have been staring at particular sets of photos on my walls, gazing upon faces of princes familiar. People I used to be really good friends with. Maybe even family. I was, at least, for one - a little sister. But "used" is past tense. Meaning what "used" to be is no longer. Meaning it doesn't happen anymore. I'm not anyone's little sister now.
My heart's been aching like I've never experienced before. Friends come and go all the time. It's happened a hundred, a thousand, countless times to me. I always find new ones to fill the space. But not this time.
The walls are crumbling and the cracks are widening. And I miss them.
And it hurts.
I don't understand why I miss these few particulars more than others in the past. I certainly had good friends, even best friends, that moved away or changed schools and I lived on. Maybe it's the way they went.
I do, however, understand why I miss them. They made me happy. I felt confident, appreciated, loved. Maybe even pretty. Protected. Valued. Sometimes even fun.
But it ended. Not slowly, and not even with a goodbye from at least one of them. Just dropped. Like marshmallows in fire. Bam. Done. Melted. Burned and gone.
Just. Gone.
I guess that it hurts because at one point, I meant something, more than just a friend, someone they cared about and spent time with. Because I cared about them. Invested my time, energy, wisdom, patience, and even cash. For long periods of time. Months.
Then circumstances change and they're just gone. I feel so abandoned and forgotten. I can't comprehend how you can spend four or five days a week with someone, then go from that to not even a shred of communication in less than two months. Because I tried. Facebooked, texted, called. Knocked on doors when I could. Nothing worked. I was relocated to the back burner, set on very low heat, and forgotten about. Maybe even turned off all the way.
My head's telling me that I don't need friends like that. That it's good they're not talking to me, because it just proves that they don't care enough to put effort into it anyway. That I should just give up and move on and find people who will put the time in. That I'm better off this way.
But my heart misses those who were close. Maybe I can't have them back the way things were, but I wish I could have them back at all. Even one conversation, just to show me they haven't forgotten. That life just got in the way, communication broke down, I'm sorry, they're sorry, and we'll fix it. Have coffee.
But I know that most, if not all, won't repair themselves the way I wish they could. And I know that's something I'll have to learn to live with. Because I'm an adult now, and I have to choose what kind of people I want to be around. There will be new friends, and old ones. And there will be people with whom it is better to break contact with, regardless of how I feel about them. But there will also be people, and one specific person eventually, who will be able to fill every void I've felt and am feeling and will feel. When I learn to let go, and stop allowing this kind of situation to affect my happiness.
Welcome to life. Wish it was easier. It's not. No cake walks. Just bushwhacking.
Not uncommon.
They're photos of places, pets, past times, projects, and people. Mostly people. Many people. Many people that I don't even speak to anymore.
The past three weeks I have been staring at particular sets of photos on my walls, gazing upon faces of princes familiar. People I used to be really good friends with. Maybe even family. I was, at least, for one - a little sister. But "used" is past tense. Meaning what "used" to be is no longer. Meaning it doesn't happen anymore. I'm not anyone's little sister now.
My heart's been aching like I've never experienced before. Friends come and go all the time. It's happened a hundred, a thousand, countless times to me. I always find new ones to fill the space. But not this time.
The walls are crumbling and the cracks are widening. And I miss them.
And it hurts.
I don't understand why I miss these few particulars more than others in the past. I certainly had good friends, even best friends, that moved away or changed schools and I lived on. Maybe it's the way they went.
I do, however, understand why I miss them. They made me happy. I felt confident, appreciated, loved. Maybe even pretty. Protected. Valued. Sometimes even fun.
But it ended. Not slowly, and not even with a goodbye from at least one of them. Just dropped. Like marshmallows in fire. Bam. Done. Melted. Burned and gone.
Just. Gone.
I guess that it hurts because at one point, I meant something, more than just a friend, someone they cared about and spent time with. Because I cared about them. Invested my time, energy, wisdom, patience, and even cash. For long periods of time. Months.
Then circumstances change and they're just gone. I feel so abandoned and forgotten. I can't comprehend how you can spend four or five days a week with someone, then go from that to not even a shred of communication in less than two months. Because I tried. Facebooked, texted, called. Knocked on doors when I could. Nothing worked. I was relocated to the back burner, set on very low heat, and forgotten about. Maybe even turned off all the way.
My head's telling me that I don't need friends like that. That it's good they're not talking to me, because it just proves that they don't care enough to put effort into it anyway. That I should just give up and move on and find people who will put the time in. That I'm better off this way.
But my heart misses those who were close. Maybe I can't have them back the way things were, but I wish I could have them back at all. Even one conversation, just to show me they haven't forgotten. That life just got in the way, communication broke down, I'm sorry, they're sorry, and we'll fix it. Have coffee.
But I know that most, if not all, won't repair themselves the way I wish they could. And I know that's something I'll have to learn to live with. Because I'm an adult now, and I have to choose what kind of people I want to be around. There will be new friends, and old ones. And there will be people with whom it is better to break contact with, regardless of how I feel about them. But there will also be people, and one specific person eventually, who will be able to fill every void I've felt and am feeling and will feel. When I learn to let go, and stop allowing this kind of situation to affect my happiness.
Welcome to life. Wish it was easier. It's not. No cake walks. Just bushwhacking.
Monday, May 16, 2011
Living and Learning
First off, I want to explain why my posts have been so few and far between as of late. I feel like the purpose of this blog is not just for me to write and to get things off my chest, but also to provide a solid view on issues and why I see it that way - to perhaps have something concrete, a lesson of some sort, that the reader can take away. If nothing else, for people to understand who I am and why I feel the way I do. Lately, my thoughts have been nothing but abstract emotions, slowly conglomerating into life lessons. Until this week, I couldn't put words to anything I've been feeling, experiencing, and learning that would format into cohesive sentences. I didn't want to write anything on here that didn't have a point.. or a semblance of a point... so that's why there's been almost nothing. I'm sorry, but I'm human and sometimes I'm a slow learner.. plus I've exhausted many of the things that I have opinions on in this blog already. Haha. That being said, I feel like I've learned three HUGE things in the past two weeks.
I've started going to a girls' group every Saturday night. It's going to be some kind of Bible study (we're discussing potential topics right now), but it's also just a place where we can go to hang out with, and be real with, other like-minded young adult females. I'll go into more detail in a bit here, but it was mostly in talking with these ladies that all these thoughts morphed into ideas.
The first one has to do with relationships. Obviously, I'm at an age where that's often on my mind. It's hard to forget when my friends are starting to get married and some older ones are having their first children. God has seen fit, in the last year or so, to put me into many positions where I am blessed to be able to give a listening ear to folks younger than myself (and occasionally older too) with their relationships, and to offer an opinion and advice if it's wanted.
I sometimes find it difficult to talk about such things objectively, when they're describing how they feel and dreams and problems and whatnot - describing things I wish I had and don't, and never have. Since I've never been in a relationship, I assume that I'm a good communicator, or a good listener, or both, since they keep coming back to me with questions and thoughts. I get jealous, but it's my opinion that you should look for a relationship with the intention of marriage - and I don't know if I'm ready for that yet.
However, last week I was texting a friend about it and he replied, "Half of me wants a relationship, some of me doesn't, and the rest isn't sure." I felt that was exactly where I was at, and then a thought came, which I texted back: "I'm learning too much about relationships to be in one right now." I think that's a very encouraging statement for myself. By talking about others' relationships, I'm learning a lot about what it takes to make, break and repair them.. knowledge I'm sure I'll find useful in the future. Lesson One.
Lesson Two was about lies. It says in the Bible that satan is the father of lies, and it describes him as the god of this world, a lion seeking to devour, and a red dragon. Those are powerful descriptions, and this week I learned that satan is a powerful being and if I am not strong in God's word of who He says I am, I am easily overcome. The last little while I've had a nagging thought in the back of my head - one that said my friends only hung out with me because they were obligated to. For instance, the girls called me for that Bible study because I'm a 'young adult' and 'part of the group'.. on the list.. and not necessarily because they wanted me there. And my best buddy only hung out with me because either I asked him, or because he wanted to see my family - hang out with my sister, who is closer in age - but because she was busy I was the next best option. I have always had a difficult time believing that people actually liked me, but it was very hard this last week. I knew it was stupid to think things like that, because people don't hang out with people they don't like... but driving my buddy home one night, I asked him straight out, "Do you like hanging out with me?" We've been friends for a year, and close friends for probably ten months of that year. His response was what should've been expected: "Yeah, I spend more time with you than anyone else. Why?" I felt bad for doubting. But reality is, I did.
Lesson Two was about trusting and believing that I am valuable. That people aren't lying to me, aren't deceived somehow, when they tell me they like me, or I'm a fun person to be around, or I look good. I learned that if I let satan in, he'll take what I gave him and push in far past the line I drew, as deep as he can get. But I also learned that I can overcome that, if I remember the truth and dwell on that instead, trusting the Lord when He says that He made me in His image and although I'm not perfect because I'm human, He made no mistakes when He created me.
Lesson Three was the value of friendship. Nay, more than that. The value of life partnerships, support, and love between people. A kind of friendship that is much more than just the occasional coffee and movie night or walk on the beach. This girls' group is exactly that sort of friendship.
We meet at 7 or 7:30 every Saturday night. I've only gone two out of three weeks, but I feel so lightened when I leave each time that I'd almost rather go all night. Everyone who's attended has vocalized similar feelings. Essentially, right now it's a "if you knew me" group. I blogged about that particular show months ago, and now I find myself doing the same thing. We all know, or know of, each other, but for that two hours or so, we make a point to KNOW each other. Everything. Good, bad, and most important, the ugly. I shared about the two things I just wrote about. Others have shared about how they feel pressure to stand up to expectations, how they feel they have no one to lean on in their lives, and a multitude of other things we are normally taught not to 'burden others' with. Emotions run high - toilet paper is a necessity - but we laugh a lot too. We have sworn to hide nothing, to love everyone, to listen to anything - confidentially - and we have. And we've discovered the value of having a group of people who know when your life is full of crap.
The first week I went, we shared about our past and current struggles. Then we prayed as a group. Last night, we recapped and updated a little for some new people, and then we spent nearly three hours going around our circle of six or seven people, encouraging each other. The only rule was you had to make eye contact.. focus on one person at a time, and everyone shared something personal and uplifting with that individual. Nobody struggled to find anything to say, and tears flowed freely.. and for me, it really helped me to shake the idea that people don't love me for me, but because they 'should'. For twenty minutes, I had love poured on me from every corner of the room - and it was amazing. Life changing. Saturday nights are becoming the best nights of the week, and perhaps some of the best nights of my life thus far. Those girls and those hours mean so much to me.
I would encourage you to find at least one person, if not more, you can be completely honest with and spill anything and everything to. Remember that you're valuable, and although it's so hard for some reason to take compliments, when you get one, look that person in the eye and allow those words to sink in as you thank them.
I've had an incredible couple of weeks in my life. There are so many opportunities to learn about myself and about others. You have them too. Find them. Use them. Test them. Invest them.
I've started going to a girls' group every Saturday night. It's going to be some kind of Bible study (we're discussing potential topics right now), but it's also just a place where we can go to hang out with, and be real with, other like-minded young adult females. I'll go into more detail in a bit here, but it was mostly in talking with these ladies that all these thoughts morphed into ideas.
The first one has to do with relationships. Obviously, I'm at an age where that's often on my mind. It's hard to forget when my friends are starting to get married and some older ones are having their first children. God has seen fit, in the last year or so, to put me into many positions where I am blessed to be able to give a listening ear to folks younger than myself (and occasionally older too) with their relationships, and to offer an opinion and advice if it's wanted.
I sometimes find it difficult to talk about such things objectively, when they're describing how they feel and dreams and problems and whatnot - describing things I wish I had and don't, and never have. Since I've never been in a relationship, I assume that I'm a good communicator, or a good listener, or both, since they keep coming back to me with questions and thoughts. I get jealous, but it's my opinion that you should look for a relationship with the intention of marriage - and I don't know if I'm ready for that yet.
However, last week I was texting a friend about it and he replied, "Half of me wants a relationship, some of me doesn't, and the rest isn't sure." I felt that was exactly where I was at, and then a thought came, which I texted back: "I'm learning too much about relationships to be in one right now." I think that's a very encouraging statement for myself. By talking about others' relationships, I'm learning a lot about what it takes to make, break and repair them.. knowledge I'm sure I'll find useful in the future. Lesson One.
Lesson Two was about lies. It says in the Bible that satan is the father of lies, and it describes him as the god of this world, a lion seeking to devour, and a red dragon. Those are powerful descriptions, and this week I learned that satan is a powerful being and if I am not strong in God's word of who He says I am, I am easily overcome. The last little while I've had a nagging thought in the back of my head - one that said my friends only hung out with me because they were obligated to. For instance, the girls called me for that Bible study because I'm a 'young adult' and 'part of the group'.. on the list.. and not necessarily because they wanted me there. And my best buddy only hung out with me because either I asked him, or because he wanted to see my family - hang out with my sister, who is closer in age - but because she was busy I was the next best option. I have always had a difficult time believing that people actually liked me, but it was very hard this last week. I knew it was stupid to think things like that, because people don't hang out with people they don't like... but driving my buddy home one night, I asked him straight out, "Do you like hanging out with me?" We've been friends for a year, and close friends for probably ten months of that year. His response was what should've been expected: "Yeah, I spend more time with you than anyone else. Why?" I felt bad for doubting. But reality is, I did.
Lesson Two was about trusting and believing that I am valuable. That people aren't lying to me, aren't deceived somehow, when they tell me they like me, or I'm a fun person to be around, or I look good. I learned that if I let satan in, he'll take what I gave him and push in far past the line I drew, as deep as he can get. But I also learned that I can overcome that, if I remember the truth and dwell on that instead, trusting the Lord when He says that He made me in His image and although I'm not perfect because I'm human, He made no mistakes when He created me.
Lesson Three was the value of friendship. Nay, more than that. The value of life partnerships, support, and love between people. A kind of friendship that is much more than just the occasional coffee and movie night or walk on the beach. This girls' group is exactly that sort of friendship.
We meet at 7 or 7:30 every Saturday night. I've only gone two out of three weeks, but I feel so lightened when I leave each time that I'd almost rather go all night. Everyone who's attended has vocalized similar feelings. Essentially, right now it's a "if you knew me" group. I blogged about that particular show months ago, and now I find myself doing the same thing. We all know, or know of, each other, but for that two hours or so, we make a point to KNOW each other. Everything. Good, bad, and most important, the ugly. I shared about the two things I just wrote about. Others have shared about how they feel pressure to stand up to expectations, how they feel they have no one to lean on in their lives, and a multitude of other things we are normally taught not to 'burden others' with. Emotions run high - toilet paper is a necessity - but we laugh a lot too. We have sworn to hide nothing, to love everyone, to listen to anything - confidentially - and we have. And we've discovered the value of having a group of people who know when your life is full of crap.
The first week I went, we shared about our past and current struggles. Then we prayed as a group. Last night, we recapped and updated a little for some new people, and then we spent nearly three hours going around our circle of six or seven people, encouraging each other. The only rule was you had to make eye contact.. focus on one person at a time, and everyone shared something personal and uplifting with that individual. Nobody struggled to find anything to say, and tears flowed freely.. and for me, it really helped me to shake the idea that people don't love me for me, but because they 'should'. For twenty minutes, I had love poured on me from every corner of the room - and it was amazing. Life changing. Saturday nights are becoming the best nights of the week, and perhaps some of the best nights of my life thus far. Those girls and those hours mean so much to me.
I would encourage you to find at least one person, if not more, you can be completely honest with and spill anything and everything to. Remember that you're valuable, and although it's so hard for some reason to take compliments, when you get one, look that person in the eye and allow those words to sink in as you thank them.
I've had an incredible couple of weeks in my life. There are so many opportunities to learn about myself and about others. You have them too. Find them. Use them. Test them. Invest them.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
I'm A Child Again
Right this moment, my mother has just finished crying. I'm not sure what she was crying about - I never asked.It's not that I don't love my mother, or want to comfort her, or that I don't care... but my step dad was already there. And I realized something.
This is how I should've felt ten years ago.
My parents separated when I was four, and although my mother dated several men before finding the right man (who is amazing and they're about ten years together), she often felt alone and frusterated. Understandable, as a single mother of two young children (my sister was two years old), and having to provide all the necessities of life on her own. My father sent money and came to see us, but in the early years both cash and visits were somewhat scarce. (Past is past, and the situation improved, they now get along famously).
Throughout the six or so years we were a three person family, things often arose that stressed her out or made her cry, and as the oldest child and often the only one around she could talk to, I became her confidante in a lot of things, ranging from finances to work stress to anger with my dad over some thing he did or didn't do.
I don't blame her for that. It probably wasn't the best way to be raised, and we both realize it - but I'm glad to know that if I helped her get through it a little bit, then it was worth it. It also taught me a lot about communication and family dynamics, things I've communicated to others to help in their family situations. It showed me things I never would've learned otherwise about commitment, love, hardship, strength, and ultimately in later years, forgiveness.
Good or bad, I don't care. It is what it is, and no one can change the past. That's the way it was.. until now. Until I just realized something. This is how it would've felt, ten years ago, if things were different.
Because Tony is there, taking the role as husband, comforter, supporter - as he rightfully should - I don't have to. I could ask, and sometimes I do, but it's not my responsibility or obligation. I used to think it was, and it caused me to grow up a lot faster than some kids. Not that I mind taking it. My mom and I are best friends, and I'm okay with still being that person - occassionally.
But no longer all the time.
I'm sitting here, writing this, feeling free. Feeling like the child I used to be but never really was. I'm grateful for the chance to know what it feels like to let someone else, whose rightful position is such, be the person I used to try to be. To know that I know my mom loves me, and I love her, but that it's okay to let Tony step in and be her husband, that they need to do this together and maybe it's better if I just stay out.
I feel like a kid - and even if it's ten years late, I'm glad I know what it feels like to be a kid and to let my mom have what she needed so long ago.
Better late than never.
This is how I should've felt ten years ago.
My parents separated when I was four, and although my mother dated several men before finding the right man (who is amazing and they're about ten years together), she often felt alone and frusterated. Understandable, as a single mother of two young children (my sister was two years old), and having to provide all the necessities of life on her own. My father sent money and came to see us, but in the early years both cash and visits were somewhat scarce. (Past is past, and the situation improved, they now get along famously).
Throughout the six or so years we were a three person family, things often arose that stressed her out or made her cry, and as the oldest child and often the only one around she could talk to, I became her confidante in a lot of things, ranging from finances to work stress to anger with my dad over some thing he did or didn't do.
I don't blame her for that. It probably wasn't the best way to be raised, and we both realize it - but I'm glad to know that if I helped her get through it a little bit, then it was worth it. It also taught me a lot about communication and family dynamics, things I've communicated to others to help in their family situations. It showed me things I never would've learned otherwise about commitment, love, hardship, strength, and ultimately in later years, forgiveness.
Good or bad, I don't care. It is what it is, and no one can change the past. That's the way it was.. until now. Until I just realized something. This is how it would've felt, ten years ago, if things were different.
Because Tony is there, taking the role as husband, comforter, supporter - as he rightfully should - I don't have to. I could ask, and sometimes I do, but it's not my responsibility or obligation. I used to think it was, and it caused me to grow up a lot faster than some kids. Not that I mind taking it. My mom and I are best friends, and I'm okay with still being that person - occassionally.
But no longer all the time.
I'm sitting here, writing this, feeling free. Feeling like the child I used to be but never really was. I'm grateful for the chance to know what it feels like to let someone else, whose rightful position is such, be the person I used to try to be. To know that I know my mom loves me, and I love her, but that it's okay to let Tony step in and be her husband, that they need to do this together and maybe it's better if I just stay out.
I feel like a kid - and even if it's ten years late, I'm glad I know what it feels like to be a kid and to let my mom have what she needed so long ago.
Better late than never.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Son, Have You Seen The World?
I've blogged a few times about songs from the artist Rise Against. I'm about to do so again.
I haven't listened to them tons lately, but there's a new dishwasher at work and he likes them a lot. So I was sitting there, working, this afternoon, when a song came on that I've heard before.
However, I recently really heard it for the first time, just a few weeks ago.
It's called Hero Of War.
I debated for a long time about whether to post the lyrics, as they contain some foul language and descriptions of violence.. however, it didn't feel right just to describe the situations to you. It would water it down. Therefore, if you have a minor around that likes to read over your shoulder (I was one of those) and you don't want them reading this.. send them away now.
Rise Against - Hero Of War
He said "Son, have you seen the world?
Well, what would you say if I said that you could?
Just carry this gun and you'll even get paid."
I said "That sounds pretty good."
Black leather boots
Spit-shined so bright
They cut off my hair but it looked alright
We marched and we sang
We all became friends
As we learned how to fight
A hero of war
Yeah that's what I'll be
And when I come home
They'll be damn proud of me
I'll carry this flag
To the grave if I must
Because it's a flag that I love
And a flag that I trust
I kicked in the door
I yelled my commands
The children, they cried
But I got my man
We took him away
A bag over his face
From his family and his friends
They took off his clothes
They pissed in his hands
I told them to stop
But then I joined in
We beat him with guns
And batons not just once
But again and again
A hero of war
Yeah that's what I'll be
And when I come home
They'll be damn proud of me
I'll carry this flag
To the grave if I must
Because it's a flag that I love
And a flag that I trust
She walked through bullets and haze
I asked her to stop
I begged her to stay
But she pressed on
So I lifted my gun
And I fired away
The shells jumped through the smoke
And into the sand
That the blood now had soaked
She collapsed with a flag in her hand
A flag white as snow
A hero of war
Is that what they see
Just medals and scars
So damn proud of me
And I brought home that flag
Now it gathers dust
But it's a flag that I love
It's the only flag I trust
He said, "Son, have you seen the world?
Well what would you say, if I said that you could?"
Last night I finished the book A Lucky Child: A Memoir of Surviving Auschwitz as a Young Boy, by Thomas Buergenthal. At the end of the book, the question that burns for him is why. Not "Why did this happen?", but "Why did some lose their moral compass while others died standing for what they believed?"
Those are both great questions, but I think the second one is much more poignant. Asking why something happened questions the idea of fate - "Why did God allow this?", but conversely asking why someone would descend to a level where they treat other humans as dispensable puts the question not on God, but on ourselves. Why we allow ourselves to choose things we know to be morally wrong.
The same thing occurs in the song I posted above. The singer describes going to war and making decisions that devalue human life and our unalienable rights ("We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are created equal, that they are endowed, by their Creator, with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness." - USA Founding Fathers).
The question he asks is not why did this happen or why did I allow it, but something even greater - why am I hiding it? Every man, woman and child desires to conceal the things they've done wrong. It's ingrained in our blood from Adam and Eve, hiding in the Garden after they sinned. In the song, the artist paints a picture of coming home and being hailed as a "hero of war", but in his heart and his head, he's saying, "You have no idea what I've done.. all you see are the pictures we choose to send over. I am not the person you think I am. I am no more a hero than you; in fact, I am less."
I think those are two questions we ought to be asking ourselves about all the choices we make, and actions we take, in our lives. Firstly, are we holding true to our moral standards; respecting others and ourselves? If not, why? Are we afraid of something or someone, trying to earn recognition, trying to survive, to get that one more bit of moldy black bread as if we were a starving Jew in a Nazi camp?
When the day comes and we do make mistakes, why do we let people believe what they want to believe? Maybe it does less harm.. but really, does it? Are you willing to hold in your wretched secrets to allow others to think you're a hero of war, when you just effectively lied to your boss about a job you didn't get done, because he believes it was someone else's fault and you didn't tell him? What happens if they ever find out.. wouldn't you rather it was from yourself and not a third party?
Really. Why do we do the things we do? Honesty rarely gets people raises, but it garnishes respect and trust. To let others down is also to let ourselves down - they may forget, but we cannot. We reap what we sow.
What's more valuable to you?
I haven't listened to them tons lately, but there's a new dishwasher at work and he likes them a lot. So I was sitting there, working, this afternoon, when a song came on that I've heard before.
However, I recently really heard it for the first time, just a few weeks ago.
It's called Hero Of War.
I debated for a long time about whether to post the lyrics, as they contain some foul language and descriptions of violence.. however, it didn't feel right just to describe the situations to you. It would water it down. Therefore, if you have a minor around that likes to read over your shoulder (I was one of those) and you don't want them reading this.. send them away now.
Rise Against - Hero Of War
He said "Son, have you seen the world?
Well, what would you say if I said that you could?
Just carry this gun and you'll even get paid."
I said "That sounds pretty good."
Black leather boots
Spit-shined so bright
They cut off my hair but it looked alright
We marched and we sang
We all became friends
As we learned how to fight
A hero of war
Yeah that's what I'll be
And when I come home
They'll be damn proud of me
I'll carry this flag
To the grave if I must
Because it's a flag that I love
And a flag that I trust
I kicked in the door
I yelled my commands
The children, they cried
But I got my man
We took him away
A bag over his face
From his family and his friends
They took off his clothes
They pissed in his hands
I told them to stop
But then I joined in
We beat him with guns
And batons not just once
But again and again
A hero of war
Yeah that's what I'll be
And when I come home
They'll be damn proud of me
I'll carry this flag
To the grave if I must
Because it's a flag that I love
And a flag that I trust
She walked through bullets and haze
I asked her to stop
I begged her to stay
But she pressed on
So I lifted my gun
And I fired away
The shells jumped through the smoke
And into the sand
That the blood now had soaked
She collapsed with a flag in her hand
A flag white as snow
A hero of war
Is that what they see
Just medals and scars
So damn proud of me
And I brought home that flag
Now it gathers dust
But it's a flag that I love
It's the only flag I trust
He said, "Son, have you seen the world?
Well what would you say, if I said that you could?"
Last night I finished the book A Lucky Child: A Memoir of Surviving Auschwitz as a Young Boy, by Thomas Buergenthal. At the end of the book, the question that burns for him is why. Not "Why did this happen?", but "Why did some lose their moral compass while others died standing for what they believed?"
Those are both great questions, but I think the second one is much more poignant. Asking why something happened questions the idea of fate - "Why did God allow this?", but conversely asking why someone would descend to a level where they treat other humans as dispensable puts the question not on God, but on ourselves. Why we allow ourselves to choose things we know to be morally wrong.
The same thing occurs in the song I posted above. The singer describes going to war and making decisions that devalue human life and our unalienable rights ("We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are created equal, that they are endowed, by their Creator, with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness." - USA Founding Fathers).
The question he asks is not why did this happen or why did I allow it, but something even greater - why am I hiding it? Every man, woman and child desires to conceal the things they've done wrong. It's ingrained in our blood from Adam and Eve, hiding in the Garden after they sinned. In the song, the artist paints a picture of coming home and being hailed as a "hero of war", but in his heart and his head, he's saying, "You have no idea what I've done.. all you see are the pictures we choose to send over. I am not the person you think I am. I am no more a hero than you; in fact, I am less."
I think those are two questions we ought to be asking ourselves about all the choices we make, and actions we take, in our lives. Firstly, are we holding true to our moral standards; respecting others and ourselves? If not, why? Are we afraid of something or someone, trying to earn recognition, trying to survive, to get that one more bit of moldy black bread as if we were a starving Jew in a Nazi camp?
When the day comes and we do make mistakes, why do we let people believe what they want to believe? Maybe it does less harm.. but really, does it? Are you willing to hold in your wretched secrets to allow others to think you're a hero of war, when you just effectively lied to your boss about a job you didn't get done, because he believes it was someone else's fault and you didn't tell him? What happens if they ever find out.. wouldn't you rather it was from yourself and not a third party?
Really. Why do we do the things we do? Honesty rarely gets people raises, but it garnishes respect and trust. To let others down is also to let ourselves down - they may forget, but we cannot. We reap what we sow.
What's more valuable to you?
Sunday, March 13, 2011
A War We All Can't Lose... Dangerous Muse.
I have a new favorite song. Written by a local, and better yet, someone I know personally... although I don't know if he'd remember me all that well. I went to school with his daughters. His name? Andrew Smith. The song?
Dangerous Muse.
(http://www.roadmapmusic.com/mood/intense/) [The second track, click the yellow "play" button to listen)
I'm becoming a huge fan of ballads. I saw Great Big Sea live on Friday night with a friend, and heard this title track from their new album, Safe Upon The Shore. Check it out here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KlZUwVTfQyU&feature=related
The reason I love ballads is because they produce in me a very ethereal (in the metaphysical sense) longing for life. As ballads are a much more ancient form of music than rock and pop, they immediately transport me into this primal sort of thinking, where nothing matters but the will to live and the strength to fight for what I love - my family and my home. To a place and time when there was naught but the plow and the sword to live by, when a man worked the earth and went to war whilst his woman stayed and took charge of the house and children, and sang to them about the day their father would come home.
Nowadays, things have changed so much, as the natural course of technological advancements decree. There's nothing wrong with that... people live and die as they always have and always will, but now there's more ways to die as well as more ways to prevent one's death, through medicine and things... but sometimes I feel like we've lost something important over the centuries, which is that will to live. Live, meaning not just remain physically sustained, but to have something you'd give your life for, to take opportunity, to learn and achieve and have something to show for the years you've spent on earth.
Maybe this doesn't apply to everyone.. there are plenty of motivated people here that are doing just that. However, and I see it personally every day, there are more and more folks who have no idea what they want out of life.. people who just sit and play games or watch movies, go to work, come home, eat, and sleep. They're just existing, and you know it because they're bored all the time, but when the question comes, "What should we do?" they never have an answer.
I feel like that sometimes. My life is (ironically) like the images from a heart moniter... I hit highs where I feel like I can do anything and be anyone, but they're only temporary and after a few months I find myself down in a valley again.
A friend once told me that humans get bored with anything after approximately three months, give or take. We need constant change in order to stay motivated. I've never seen a study to corroborate her statement, but I have to believe it, because it's true for me.
Two examples in the last months - my job, first of all. I loved it for a month, and then the novelty wore off, and then the un-novelty wore off, and I get bored now, and all the staff are in the same boat because tempers are continually wearing shorter. Hour reductions start April 2nd, and I get laid off for the summer April 29th. I couldn't ever see myself saying this in the beginning, but I can't wait for it to end now. I'm in my fifth month, and it's grating on me.
Second example is trampoline and tumbling. I've been taking classes for two months, and practicing on my own at a small gymnastics gym my mom works at. Everything was great and I was learning and progressing fast enough to suit my expectations.. until two weeks ago. I got tired at the end of practice, couldn't land a trick that I can normally, and since then I'm really not even motivated to try anything. I was so close to landing some things I've been working on for weeks, and I don't even care any more. I want to know how to do those and other tricks still, but I get on the trampoline and I can't find the drive within myself any longer - it's just as easy to jump off again and walk away. It doesn't matter to me. Now I want to learn to play my bodhran, but it gets frustrating (as I'm learning off of youtube with no formal instruction), and I know that eventually I'll give that up too.
It bothers me, because it's sort of difficult to become good at anything when you only try for two or three months, but at the same time how do you keep yourself excited and willing to pursue your goals when you walk in one day and find out that it doesn't even matter to you any more? Even with dogs, something I love and could do all day, I find myself feeling 'done'.
The bigger problem is, when I get bored with my current interest, I tend to get bored with everything else as the feeling spills over from that one activity into the rest of my life, and I enter into a cycle of depression. Having dealt with this a number of times in past years, the only solution I've been able to find is to learn something new.. but often I have problems motivating myself to even get out and try.
I'm entering into that again now.. bored with life and the things I've been doing.. I can't wait to get out my bike and go riding until I'm so exhausted I can't even think about being bored. Go swimming and relax in the warm summer sun. But I still need something to do, something that's worth getting up for and being excited about.
And I need to figure out how to stay motivated for the things I'm involved in now.. otherwise I'll end my life being mediocre at a thousand different things, but with no great skill in anything to show for all the time I put into it when I was interested.
I don't really have a big question for introspection this week. But if you know how I'm feeling and maybe have a way to get past it, please comment and share. If you don't have a solution but still can identify, comment anyway so we can all be moody, uninterested suckers together.
Just kidding.. sort of.
Oh, and by the way, this is the greatly anticipated (one can dream, can't one?) part 3 of that three piece thought I started a few weeks ago. Although... ach, nevermind. It wasn't all that great anyway.
Dangerous Muse.
(http://www.roadmapmusic.com/mood/intense/) [The second track, click the yellow "play" button to listen)
I'm becoming a huge fan of ballads. I saw Great Big Sea live on Friday night with a friend, and heard this title track from their new album, Safe Upon The Shore. Check it out here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KlZUwVTfQyU&feature=related
The reason I love ballads is because they produce in me a very ethereal (in the metaphysical sense) longing for life. As ballads are a much more ancient form of music than rock and pop, they immediately transport me into this primal sort of thinking, where nothing matters but the will to live and the strength to fight for what I love - my family and my home. To a place and time when there was naught but the plow and the sword to live by, when a man worked the earth and went to war whilst his woman stayed and took charge of the house and children, and sang to them about the day their father would come home.
Nowadays, things have changed so much, as the natural course of technological advancements decree. There's nothing wrong with that... people live and die as they always have and always will, but now there's more ways to die as well as more ways to prevent one's death, through medicine and things... but sometimes I feel like we've lost something important over the centuries, which is that will to live. Live, meaning not just remain physically sustained, but to have something you'd give your life for, to take opportunity, to learn and achieve and have something to show for the years you've spent on earth.
Maybe this doesn't apply to everyone.. there are plenty of motivated people here that are doing just that. However, and I see it personally every day, there are more and more folks who have no idea what they want out of life.. people who just sit and play games or watch movies, go to work, come home, eat, and sleep. They're just existing, and you know it because they're bored all the time, but when the question comes, "What should we do?" they never have an answer.
I feel like that sometimes. My life is (ironically) like the images from a heart moniter... I hit highs where I feel like I can do anything and be anyone, but they're only temporary and after a few months I find myself down in a valley again.
A friend once told me that humans get bored with anything after approximately three months, give or take. We need constant change in order to stay motivated. I've never seen a study to corroborate her statement, but I have to believe it, because it's true for me.
Two examples in the last months - my job, first of all. I loved it for a month, and then the novelty wore off, and then the un-novelty wore off, and I get bored now, and all the staff are in the same boat because tempers are continually wearing shorter. Hour reductions start April 2nd, and I get laid off for the summer April 29th. I couldn't ever see myself saying this in the beginning, but I can't wait for it to end now. I'm in my fifth month, and it's grating on me.
Second example is trampoline and tumbling. I've been taking classes for two months, and practicing on my own at a small gymnastics gym my mom works at. Everything was great and I was learning and progressing fast enough to suit my expectations.. until two weeks ago. I got tired at the end of practice, couldn't land a trick that I can normally, and since then I'm really not even motivated to try anything. I was so close to landing some things I've been working on for weeks, and I don't even care any more. I want to know how to do those and other tricks still, but I get on the trampoline and I can't find the drive within myself any longer - it's just as easy to jump off again and walk away. It doesn't matter to me. Now I want to learn to play my bodhran, but it gets frustrating (as I'm learning off of youtube with no formal instruction), and I know that eventually I'll give that up too.
It bothers me, because it's sort of difficult to become good at anything when you only try for two or three months, but at the same time how do you keep yourself excited and willing to pursue your goals when you walk in one day and find out that it doesn't even matter to you any more? Even with dogs, something I love and could do all day, I find myself feeling 'done'.
The bigger problem is, when I get bored with my current interest, I tend to get bored with everything else as the feeling spills over from that one activity into the rest of my life, and I enter into a cycle of depression. Having dealt with this a number of times in past years, the only solution I've been able to find is to learn something new.. but often I have problems motivating myself to even get out and try.
I'm entering into that again now.. bored with life and the things I've been doing.. I can't wait to get out my bike and go riding until I'm so exhausted I can't even think about being bored. Go swimming and relax in the warm summer sun. But I still need something to do, something that's worth getting up for and being excited about.
And I need to figure out how to stay motivated for the things I'm involved in now.. otherwise I'll end my life being mediocre at a thousand different things, but with no great skill in anything to show for all the time I put into it when I was interested.
I don't really have a big question for introspection this week. But if you know how I'm feeling and maybe have a way to get past it, please comment and share. If you don't have a solution but still can identify, comment anyway so we can all be moody, uninterested suckers together.
Just kidding.. sort of.
Oh, and by the way, this is the greatly anticipated (one can dream, can't one?) part 3 of that three piece thought I started a few weeks ago. Although... ach, nevermind. It wasn't all that great anyway.
Monday, March 7, 2011
A New Creed To Succeed
If you know me at all, you ought to know that I love dogs, and anything to do with dogs. That includes playing and petting, exercising - even the nastier things like bathing and scooping poop - if it means I get to spend time with a beautiful canine, I'm in. However, I ESPECIALLY love training.
To have a dog, or any animal for that matter, execute a behaviour perfectly and on cue not only looks good to others because your dog is "obedient" and "smart", it is also a hugely satisfying feeling to know that this animal has done this thing because you taught it to.
I've owned dogs for the past roughly 11 years. I've learned some things about training and care and what works, as well as plenty that doesn't work at all. I've built confidence in my abilities to teach and to handle a dog, and knowledge in how to approach different personalities. However, nobody's ever finished learning, and if someone thinks they know everything there is to know, they're probably an arrogant person and not fit to hang around anyway.
That being said, I have recently (in the last three weeks or so), entered into the world of clicker training. Clicker training is the use of a clicker (essentially a thin piece of metal that makes a clicking sound when bent) and reinforcement (food, play, or anything the subject likes) to capture behaviours and put them on cue.
For example, teaching a dog to come on cue is the first thing any trainer will do. Essentially, you "click" the dog first when it even looks at you, and then for taking steps toward you, and eventually for running directly to you past various distractions. Each time you click the dog, you offer it a reward, known as a reinforcer. The dog does not understand that you are teaching it to 'come'. What it does understand that every time it comes to you, you make that sound and it gets something it really likes (often a food tidbit works great). You then add a "cue" (a word, hand signal, scent, flashing light), and as the dog continues to perform the behaviour, it will begin to associate with the cue given at the same time, and it learns, "Hey, when she says, "sit" and I put my bottom on the ground, I get a treat!"
This is known as operant conditioning. What it means is that the subject learns that every time A occures, B follows. A common example from human life is the stove - we've all learned that A - putting our hand on a hot burner results in B - getting burned. At the same time, we've learned that removing said hand stops the pain.
Clicker training is the technology evolved from operant conditioning. There are negative reinforcers - like in the example just given, when we remove our hand from the element (A), the negative aspect (the burning sensation) is removed (B), resulting in a more positive experience and something retained. There are postive reinforcers as well. The dog learns that every time it hears the clicker (A), a reward follows (B). All that's required now is to pair the behaviour with a cue of some sort, transfer the behaviour reinforcement from the click to the new cue, and you shortly have Fido performing his sit quickly and reliably.
There are two major rules to clicker training, and the first is that there is no punishment involved whatsoever. If the subject doesn't offer the behaviour wanted, it doesn't get a reward - simple as that. Secondly, that you must set up the training in such a way that you ensure the subject will eventually succeed. Ensure that your dog has nothing better to do while you're training it a new behaviour, so that it gets so bored it will eventually sit naturally - and you click. The dog will go, "Heyyyy... what just happened? Hm. What did I do? Maybe I can do it again..."
You may have noticed that I've been using the word cue instead of command... on http://www.clickertraining.com/, author and clicker trainer Karen Pryor makes this statement in an article about clicker training falcons:
To do this, we need to understand more about cues. A cue is different from a command. We give our dogs commands all the time: Come here. Lie down. Get in the truck. Shut up. A command is a signal to do something, but it is also a threat: Come here Or Else. Or else I will make you do it. Or else I will reprimand you. If the command is not heeded, we often escalate the threat aspect: we yell the command, for example. This often works with dogs. Sometimes it works with people. But we all know it NEVER works with birds.
That doesn't mean, however, that you can't tell a bird what to do; you just do it with cues, instead of commands. We don't normally teach cues methodically; animals pick them up. You decide to go to the store, so you make sure you've got your car keys. The dog hears the keys jingle, and runs to the front door. That sound has become the cue for a behavior: "Get to the door fast, and I might get to go for a ride." A cue is like a green light: it's a window of opportunity to do the right thing and get reinforced for it. Here's the cue: my fist in position. Step onto my glove, and you'll get a click and a treat. The cue need not be so obvious: a whistle or a gesture that's nowhere near the perch can tell the bird "Get on the perch and I will click you.
The big difference between a cue and a command is that while a command is an implied threat, a cue is a positive signal: a cue is an opportunity for reinforcement. When the cue is well-learned, it becomes a sort of "on" switch for action. The animal WANTS to do the behavior the cue indicates, because it has paid off handsomely now and then in the past. It doesn't stop to ponder, "Yes, but do I want a tidbit more than I want to sit on this telephone pole?" It just responds. "Oh, he said 'Come!' Good, here I come!" So, once you have established a cue, you don't need to escalate it, to get results. When the light turns green, we step on the gas immediately; two green lights, or a bigger green light, would not make us step on the gas any faster or better. When the phone rings, we answer it, even though sometimes the caller is a roofing salesman and sometimes we were doing something we really enjoyed more than phone calls when the phone rang. It's a cue, cues mean a chance to get something good, and we respond.
Makes sense, doesn't it?
So here's my thought for the day.
What if we applied this to our lives?
Not just training our pets to perform pretty tricks, but actually applied it.
We all know someone who is simply way too busy. Activites, kids, meetings, travel - they just have no time. What if you're that person? You probably find that not everything you do gets done as well as you could do it, and I'm willing to bet that it's because of a lack of time to apply to it. You haven't set yourself up to be successful. It doesn't even have to be about reaping a reward, but even that would come. By reducing the amount of things in your schedule, you free up time to better complete those events and tasks that you have still committed to - but you also have time for coffee with friends, for a warm bath with candles, or a date night with your spouse...
What about our kids? Asking them to clean their room often seems like more of a headache than a help. But what if you put a bit more effort into creating a situation where they are more likely to be successful on their own? Instead of putting up just shelves for the toys, label boxes with pictures of Lego, dollies, and cars, then place matching labels on the shelves where the boxes should go. Put organizational bins in the closet for craft supplies, and then put into practice the same principle clicker trainers use to teach a new behaviour - make the reward for offering the wanted behaviour (cleaning up) much more tempting and substantial than the children's current activity. For instance, putting away your toys means you can help mommy bake and decorate cookies afterwards.
There's even a training technique where trainers call the animal away from what it's doing (for instance, a dog chasing a squirrel), but then reward its obedience by allowing it to return to the same acitivity. So let's say Sarah is playing with PlayDoh, but has neglected to tidy up her tea party things from several hours ago. Her mother might say, "Sarah, dear, it's time to clean up your tea party, but you can go back that after you're finished." Sarah obeys because she knows that the PlayDoh wasn't taken away, but rather postponed.
If you think hard, you could come up with thousands of similar situations for anyone. I'm not trying to compare people to dogs or birds, but sometimes the same principles work for both. Why don't we start cueing ourselves and others instead of commanding?
How can you set yourself and those around you up for success today?
To have a dog, or any animal for that matter, execute a behaviour perfectly and on cue not only looks good to others because your dog is "obedient" and "smart", it is also a hugely satisfying feeling to know that this animal has done this thing because you taught it to.
I've owned dogs for the past roughly 11 years. I've learned some things about training and care and what works, as well as plenty that doesn't work at all. I've built confidence in my abilities to teach and to handle a dog, and knowledge in how to approach different personalities. However, nobody's ever finished learning, and if someone thinks they know everything there is to know, they're probably an arrogant person and not fit to hang around anyway.
That being said, I have recently (in the last three weeks or so), entered into the world of clicker training. Clicker training is the use of a clicker (essentially a thin piece of metal that makes a clicking sound when bent) and reinforcement (food, play, or anything the subject likes) to capture behaviours and put them on cue.
For example, teaching a dog to come on cue is the first thing any trainer will do. Essentially, you "click" the dog first when it even looks at you, and then for taking steps toward you, and eventually for running directly to you past various distractions. Each time you click the dog, you offer it a reward, known as a reinforcer. The dog does not understand that you are teaching it to 'come'. What it does understand that every time it comes to you, you make that sound and it gets something it really likes (often a food tidbit works great). You then add a "cue" (a word, hand signal, scent, flashing light), and as the dog continues to perform the behaviour, it will begin to associate with the cue given at the same time, and it learns, "Hey, when she says, "sit" and I put my bottom on the ground, I get a treat!"
This is known as operant conditioning. What it means is that the subject learns that every time A occures, B follows. A common example from human life is the stove - we've all learned that A - putting our hand on a hot burner results in B - getting burned. At the same time, we've learned that removing said hand stops the pain.
Clicker training is the technology evolved from operant conditioning. There are negative reinforcers - like in the example just given, when we remove our hand from the element (A), the negative aspect (the burning sensation) is removed (B), resulting in a more positive experience and something retained. There are postive reinforcers as well. The dog learns that every time it hears the clicker (A), a reward follows (B). All that's required now is to pair the behaviour with a cue of some sort, transfer the behaviour reinforcement from the click to the new cue, and you shortly have Fido performing his sit quickly and reliably.
There are two major rules to clicker training, and the first is that there is no punishment involved whatsoever. If the subject doesn't offer the behaviour wanted, it doesn't get a reward - simple as that. Secondly, that you must set up the training in such a way that you ensure the subject will eventually succeed. Ensure that your dog has nothing better to do while you're training it a new behaviour, so that it gets so bored it will eventually sit naturally - and you click. The dog will go, "Heyyyy... what just happened? Hm. What did I do? Maybe I can do it again..."
You may have noticed that I've been using the word cue instead of command... on http://www.clickertraining.com/, author and clicker trainer Karen Pryor makes this statement in an article about clicker training falcons:
To do this, we need to understand more about cues. A cue is different from a command. We give our dogs commands all the time: Come here. Lie down. Get in the truck. Shut up. A command is a signal to do something, but it is also a threat: Come here Or Else. Or else I will make you do it. Or else I will reprimand you. If the command is not heeded, we often escalate the threat aspect: we yell the command, for example. This often works with dogs. Sometimes it works with people. But we all know it NEVER works with birds.
That doesn't mean, however, that you can't tell a bird what to do; you just do it with cues, instead of commands. We don't normally teach cues methodically; animals pick them up. You decide to go to the store, so you make sure you've got your car keys. The dog hears the keys jingle, and runs to the front door. That sound has become the cue for a behavior: "Get to the door fast, and I might get to go for a ride." A cue is like a green light: it's a window of opportunity to do the right thing and get reinforced for it. Here's the cue: my fist in position. Step onto my glove, and you'll get a click and a treat. The cue need not be so obvious: a whistle or a gesture that's nowhere near the perch can tell the bird "Get on the perch and I will click you.
The big difference between a cue and a command is that while a command is an implied threat, a cue is a positive signal: a cue is an opportunity for reinforcement. When the cue is well-learned, it becomes a sort of "on" switch for action. The animal WANTS to do the behavior the cue indicates, because it has paid off handsomely now and then in the past. It doesn't stop to ponder, "Yes, but do I want a tidbit more than I want to sit on this telephone pole?" It just responds. "Oh, he said 'Come!' Good, here I come!" So, once you have established a cue, you don't need to escalate it, to get results. When the light turns green, we step on the gas immediately; two green lights, or a bigger green light, would not make us step on the gas any faster or better. When the phone rings, we answer it, even though sometimes the caller is a roofing salesman and sometimes we were doing something we really enjoyed more than phone calls when the phone rang. It's a cue, cues mean a chance to get something good, and we respond.
Makes sense, doesn't it?
So here's my thought for the day.
What if we applied this to our lives?
Not just training our pets to perform pretty tricks, but actually applied it.
We all know someone who is simply way too busy. Activites, kids, meetings, travel - they just have no time. What if you're that person? You probably find that not everything you do gets done as well as you could do it, and I'm willing to bet that it's because of a lack of time to apply to it. You haven't set yourself up to be successful. It doesn't even have to be about reaping a reward, but even that would come. By reducing the amount of things in your schedule, you free up time to better complete those events and tasks that you have still committed to - but you also have time for coffee with friends, for a warm bath with candles, or a date night with your spouse...
What about our kids? Asking them to clean their room often seems like more of a headache than a help. But what if you put a bit more effort into creating a situation where they are more likely to be successful on their own? Instead of putting up just shelves for the toys, label boxes with pictures of Lego, dollies, and cars, then place matching labels on the shelves where the boxes should go. Put organizational bins in the closet for craft supplies, and then put into practice the same principle clicker trainers use to teach a new behaviour - make the reward for offering the wanted behaviour (cleaning up) much more tempting and substantial than the children's current activity. For instance, putting away your toys means you can help mommy bake and decorate cookies afterwards.
There's even a training technique where trainers call the animal away from what it's doing (for instance, a dog chasing a squirrel), but then reward its obedience by allowing it to return to the same acitivity. So let's say Sarah is playing with PlayDoh, but has neglected to tidy up her tea party things from several hours ago. Her mother might say, "Sarah, dear, it's time to clean up your tea party, but you can go back that after you're finished." Sarah obeys because she knows that the PlayDoh wasn't taken away, but rather postponed.
If you think hard, you could come up with thousands of similar situations for anyone. I'm not trying to compare people to dogs or birds, but sometimes the same principles work for both. Why don't we start cueing ourselves and others instead of commanding?
How can you set yourself and those around you up for success today?
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