Remembrances.

I have photos on my walls. 

Not uncommon.

They're photos of places, pets, past times, projects, and people.  Mostly people.  Many people.  Many people that I don't even speak to anymore.

The past three weeks I have been staring at particular sets of photos on my walls, gazing upon faces of princes familiar.  People I used to be really good friends with.  Maybe even family.  I was, at least, for one - a little sister.  But "used" is past tense.  Meaning what "used" to be is no longer.  Meaning it doesn't happen anymore.  I'm not anyone's little sister now.

My heart's been aching like I've never experienced before.  Friends come and go all the time.  It's happened a hundred, a thousand, countless times to me.  I always find new ones to fill the space.  But not this time. 

The walls are crumbling and the cracks are widening.  And I miss them.

And it hurts.

I don't understand why I miss these few particulars more than others in the past.  I certainly had good friends, even best friends, that moved away or changed schools and I lived on.  Maybe it's the way they went.

I do, however, understand why I miss them.  They made me happy.  I felt confident, appreciated, loved.  Maybe even pretty.  Protected.  Valued.  Sometimes even fun.

But it ended.  Not slowly, and not even with a goodbye from at least one of them.  Just dropped.  Like marshmallows in fire.  Bam.  Done.  Melted.  Burned and gone. 

Just. Gone.

I guess that it hurts because at one point, I meant something, more than just a friend, someone they cared about and spent time with.  Because I cared about them.  Invested my time, energy, wisdom, patience, and even cash.  For long periods of time.  Months.

Then circumstances change and they're just gone.  I feel so abandoned and forgotten.  I can't comprehend how you can spend four or five days a week with someone, then go from that to not even a shred of communication in less than two months.  Because I tried.  Facebooked, texted, called.  Knocked on doors when I could.  Nothing worked.  I was relocated to the back burner, set on very low heat, and forgotten about.  Maybe even turned off all the way.

My head's telling me that I don't need friends like that.  That it's good they're not talking to me, because it just proves that they don't care enough to put effort into it anyway.  That I should just give up and move on and find people who will put the time in.  That I'm better off this way.

But my heart misses those who were close.  Maybe I can't have them back the way things were, but I wish I could have them back at all.  Even one conversation, just to show me they haven't forgotten.  That life just got in the way, communication broke down, I'm sorry, they're sorry, and we'll fix it.  Have coffee.

But I know that most, if not all, won't repair themselves the way I wish they could.  And I know that's something I'll have to learn to live with.  Because I'm an adult now, and I have to choose what kind of people I want to be around.  There will be new friends, and old ones.  And there will be people with whom it is better to break contact with, regardless of how I feel about them.  But there will also be people, and one specific person eventually, who will be able to fill every void I've felt and am feeling and will feel.  When I learn to let go, and stop allowing this kind of situation to affect my happiness. 

Welcome to life.  Wish it was easier.  It's not.  No cake walks.  Just bushwhacking.